Day 654 - March 31 - Fasting Tomorrow

Just a very brief reminder for those who will be fasting with us - tomorrow is April 1, and the day selected for our "No Fooling Fast". Join me in giving up something for the day and substituting prayer for Connor's healing instead!

Thank you!

Eric

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Day 652 - March 29 - Tidbits

Not much to tell here on the western front. Connor has been fighting insomnia all weekend, with both Friday and Saturday nights going pretty much "awake all night". Everybody managed a nap Sunday afternoon, and last night he was finally able to rest peacefully for more than a few minutes at a time, so we're kind of in shape for the week ahead. I don't know how my wife manages, though - I get more sleep than anyone here, and I'm exhausted most of the time. I have no idea how Cherié continues to function! God's grace, of course, but it's an amazing thing to see her go, day after day after day. What a blessing she is...

Many of you have been praying about the van, so here's the update on that - it appears to be fixed the way it's supposed to be fixed. The shop had it an additional two days, and (if you care) found that some bolts hadn't been torqued down properly, allowing exhaust fumes to leak into the cab and keeping the turbocharger from developing the pressure needed to work properly. Once they figured that out, things are how they're supposed to be. So that's all good.

Of course, it wouldn't be our life if something else didn't immediately go wrong to keep Connor homebound - I don't know what the purpose of all these headaches is, but it's a safe bet that at a minimum we're supposed to be learning patience from them! Late last week we started having problems with the power supply for the ventilator on Connor's wheelchair. That's a problem because without the chair's power supply, the travel vent runs on a one-hour internal back-up battery. That effectively removes our ability to get out of the house - the chair's power supply gives Connor's vent a 10-12 hour lifespan, but without it there's only an hour lifespan before the vent has to be plugged into a wall or fail. So, effectively he can't leave the house with the power supply malfunctioning like this.

So all weekend we've been wrestling with more mechanical headaches. First we replaced the cord that brings power from the external battery to the vent, having deduced (incorrectly, it turns out) that the problem was there. Nope, it still exists. Then I rewired the connectors in the battery box, actually finding a bad connection and correcting it. Problem solved, right? Wrong. We're still getting an intermittent power supply problem that's keeping the external battery from getting power to the vent. So the next thing is replacing the battery - perhaps the battery itself is failing. I hate electrical problems...

Cherié and Connor met this week with a woman who is going to come work with Connor a couple of times on a trial basis to see how it all works out. She's a massage therapist with a background in physical therapy and nursing, and has worked with ventilator-dependent people before. So her skillset seems to be just what the doctor ordered, so to speak. We're going to see how this works out, but hopefully we'll see positive results from it all. Many other people offered their services to us in this regard as well, over the last few weeks - we're very grateful for each one of you.

Today also marks the first day that my bosses at work are requiring me to return to a rotating schedule close to the one that supervisors always work at my facility. Since I came back to work after Connor's accident, I've been working straight dayshifts Monday-Friday. That's an alien schedule in the FAA. What I'm supposed to be working each week is Monday 2:30-10:30 PM, Tuesday 1:00-9:00 PM, Wednesday 6:30 AM-2:30 PM, Thursday 4:30 AM-12:30 PM, and a midshift that begins at 9 PM Thursday night and ends at 5 AM Friday. That would be what's considered a "normal" schedule where I work. Now, I'm on orders from Connor's doctor that two of us must be at home with Connor at night to ensure one doesn't sleep through an alarm or something, so I literally cannot work the midshifts, but they're beginning to push me to return to something more close to the regular rotation, which adds a whole new dimension of hassle to our lives.

I would appreciate your prayers concerning resolution of this issue - I understand that the facility needs people who can actually work the schedules needed to cover the operation, and I'm not able to do that any more. Unfortunately, there aren't any options at work for getting out of the operational environment, leaving me in the potential position of having to choose between obeying my bosses or caring for my family. I'm actively looking for solutions to this problem, even as far as taking a pay cut to move to a location that doesn't run 24/7, so I would appreciate any prayers you could manage. If you do, pray that God would open doors to the right location, that He would provide enough money from a new position to meet our needs, and that we would have the courage to follow once the way is open. Pray also that when the time comes, my bosses will be willing to let me go - that's always a concern in a facility as short-staffed as ours.

So that's all the news that's fit to print from the Williamson household today. Thanks for traveling with us and continuing this prayer journey we're on. You have no idea how much we appreciate it.

Eric

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Day 648 - March 25 - Results

Well, we managed the hospital well enough, and the staff there came through with flying colors. At the CT scan machine, they had four or five helpful, smiling folks available to get Connor into and out of the scanner, and for the other procedure the nurse and doctor were willing to try, and successfully able to perform, the procedure without having to move him to an examination table again. So the tests went as well as they could, and I consider that an answer to your prayers for us while we were there. Thank you Lord, and thank y'all for being such faithful friends to us!

So far, we've had no results from all this except one. Connor's pulmonologist called yesterday and said that the CT scan of Connor's lungs shows some problems in both lungs. Apparently there's gunk in there, which may have developed over the last year or so, or it may be stuff they missed after Connor's accident. There are a few things he wants us to do in the meantime, but it may result in him having to surgically go into the boy's lungs to clear stuff out, like they had to do back in the hospital days.

As you can imagine, we'd rather not have to do that! So there's (yet) another prayer request for you - that the measures we began yesterday to address this would be successful and Connor's lungs would regain their health. Also, that this would speed the process of successfully weaning off the ventilator. I don't believe Connor needs the thing for the rest of his life, and we want to see him be able to send it back to the provider with a nice thank you note attached! So that's what we're praying for, and we so appreciate your joining us.

In other news, the van is back in the shop, hopefully to be correctly fixed and back soon. We'll see. In the meantime, in the words of my irrepressible son, "we'll wait here". 8-)

Eric

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Day 646 - March 23 - Excitement and Requests

Forgot to tell y'all about all the excitement this weekend. Saturday morning at about 0445, Connor's respirator failed. Yep, just quit working, without giving a failure alarm or anything. Just stopped breathing for him. As God had laid out, Cherié was actually up with him at the time, and so was right there to respond quickly. We are blessed that God has brought Connor a long way since the beginning - when the vent failed, he didn't panic, and was able to take some breaths on his own until Cherié was able to take over breathing manually for him. I quickly got him set up on his chair ventilator (that would be the one our insurance company says is "medically unnecessary" and refuses to pay for). Once that was taken care of, the boy was all good again.

It was a bit of a reminder of how far we've come. When this sort of thing happened early on, Connor's heart rate would plummet, and there would have been much running around and wailing and gnashing of teeth. This episode had none of that - just a stable young man, a rapid response team, and everyone doing what they needed to do.

Of course, we had our provider bring us a new ventilator; and the new one, while taking a bit for Connor to get adjusted to, is working out fine. But I continue to be amazed (and a bit frustrated) that the insurance company thinks that the boy only needs one ventilator. The fact that we have two vents saved them from having to pay for an ambulance ride and hospital stay while we replaced the broken ventilator. So - it boggles my mind that the insurance company thinks it's not a necessity to have a back-up. I guess it's time for another letter to the insurance gurus...

On a different note, I would ask for your prayers for Connor (and us) today as he has multiple procedures at the hospital this afternoon. A couple of different CT scans and another procedure after that will tax both his patience and our ability to cope. Please be praying that the hospital is ready to help with a man in his situation - orderlies to help lift, nurses to deal with all the details the rest of us take for granted, and technicians who know how to deal with ventilators in these situations. For the rest of us, getting a CT scan is a lot like getting an X-ray. For Connor, it's an exercise in frustration, problem-solving, and personnel management. So we would greatly appreciate your prayers.

Also, be praying that the tests would clearly give the doctors the information they're seeking, so they can have the information necessary to address their concerns.

We greatly appreciate your prayers and support!

Eric

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Day 644 - March 21 - No Fooling

First, I must apologize for letting this go four days without posting anything at all. Some days there just doesn't seem to be anything in my head, and so there's even less for me to put into a blog! So for those who have been checking in frequently, no, the site's not broken. I just haven't been as diligent this weekend as I usually am.

Yesterday, Allie, her mom Deborah and her friend Jordan made it here and visited with us at the house for about three hours. It was a great time, and good to see Allie stretching herself to come this far, and to see Connor interact with everybody in such a mature and helpful fashion. We pretty much just chit-chatted about things, shared a light meal together and the like, until they had to head back over the hill for home. We really appreciated them coming by!

I got a request about visiting Connor this week through the site, and took a look to see what we currently say about visits on the FAQ page (it's apparently been a while since I've updated any of that information). If you go down to the bottom of any page on the website, you'll see two links - "Contact Us" and "FAQ". First, much of the FAQ info is out of date, so I'll see about getting that updated, but the address under "Where's Connor Now?" is accurate, as is the rest of that answer. We like to have visits, but they do need to be somewhat organized visits, so advance notice is important. Our daily routine doesn't lend itself to surprise, spur of the moment visits very well. So, if you want to visit with us and with Connor, just contact us ahead of time.

Well, how should you do that? The best way, if you've already got our phone number, is to just give us a call. You may get a voicemail if our hands are full at the moment, but we'll call back eventually! If you don't have a number for us, then do this - go to the "Contact Us" page (the link at the bottom, remember?) and find my name, which is currently number five (5). Click on it and you'll be able to send me an email. Let me know what you're thinking and I'll get back to you, usually, with a phone number so we can finalize the plans. Please be patient with us here - it's a bit of a convoluted process, but I don't want to just publish the phone number for the world to see - I already get too many calls from salesmen!

Another thing that I saw when I rummaged through the contact information - much of that information is outdated as well. I'll try to get that cleaned up soon, but in the meantime you can assume that any name that ends in "Williamson" on that contact sheet will get your message where it's supposed to go. The other information is outdated, so please bear with us until we can clean house a bit!

Oh, that reminds me - I've gotten a number of items through that link on the contact page recently, and all of those people are sitting there reading this and saying "Sure, you'll get back to me!" - mostly because I haven't responded to them yet. Oops. Like everyone else, I've got things that fall through the cracks. Here's one, so I'll get those taken care of today - if you're one of those folks waiting for a response and you're reading this now, go check your email sometime today or tomorrow and I'll have a response in your inbox, OK?

Finally, I want to propose something for the community to gather around. In about ten days or so it will be April 1st, or as we like to call it here in America, "April Fool's Day". If you're not familiar with it, people use that day to play little practical jokes on their friends and family for no apparent reason except that everybody gets a laugh out of it. I have no idea where it came from, so don't ask me! But, I would like to announce here today that I intend April 1, 2010 to be a ConnorWatch day of fasting and prayer for my son's healing.

I want this to be really clear - nobody is obligated to join me in this fast. This is an opportunity for me to demonstrate to my God my resolve in my belief that He WILL heal Connor completely. No fooling, if you'll pardon the expression. I believe that God will heal Connor - completely, fully, in this lifetime. I believe it because He tells me to pray and not give up; to pray, knowing that whatever I ask, believing that I've received it, will be done. I believe that now more than I did back in Fresno when I first heard that passage in Luke. And so, like the persistent widow, I continue to bang on heaven's door seeking resolution. Like the hungry neighbor, I continue to knock at the door until He comes down and answers. Like the Centurion, I tell God "I understand authority, because I too am a man of authority. You don't need to come to my house - all You have to do is say the word and he will get up and walk." All He has to do is say the word. And I continue, daily, to ask this of Him. I'm not stopping, though I'm often tired of waiting. I'm not stopping until Connor gets up or God tells me to knock it off. I'm not fooling about this, so April Fool's Day is a good day for me, and for those of like mind, to come together and fast and pray for God to move in Connor's body.

If you look at me and my belief with skepticism, that's OK. Don't join us in this fast. Fasting is for people who believe it accomplishes something. But if you believe with me that Connor will be healed in this life, join me. If you just WANT to believe that such a thing could happen, join me. Fasting is, among other things, about demonstrating how serious you are to a God who loves you. It's saying to God "Lord, see? I'm not fooling around - I'm serious."

So April Fool's is a good day for me to say "No Fooling". Are you with me?

Eric

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Day 640 - March 17 - Not quite so stranded

Well, the van's back. It's still got problems it didn't have before, but it's back. So I guess it's got to go back to the shop once we get past the medical appointments the boy has scheduled for next week. At this point, I can only hope that the New Heaven and the New Earth will also have New Mechanical Things That Don't Break!

It's been many months since I've posted anything concerning new improvements in Connor's condition, so it is with pleasure that I report he has recently begun having new sensations in his abdomen. These new sensations are making his life a tiny bit better, and he's concentrating on recognizing them when they arrive. This new capability also gives him motivation to see what else he can sense, so we're pleased that this is slowly returning.

Additionally, he is researching on-line studies in architectural drafting and design, and is expressing interest in a number of different options for getting back to college this fall. It pleases us greatly to see him engage more in these things.

Finally, this Saturday we're expecting a visit from our friend Allie and her family (click on this link if you're not familiar with her story). Allie is in a situation very similar to Connor's, and we have struck up a friendship with them as our two families try to learn to face this life. While their situations are much the same, Allie and Connor also have different fears and struggles to face. Connor has been injured much longer than Allie, so he has sort of adopted a mentor role for her, although mostly they're just friends. Anyway, Allie is stepping out a bit for the first time since her injury, and she has decided that she wants to travel to our place to visit (travel challenges Connor less than it does Allie, so we've been the ones driving over to see them. Allie's ready to return the favor). This will involve about 60 miles of driving, much of it on twisty Highway 17 through the Santa Cruz Mountains, so if you think of it, I would ask you to begin lifting this family up in prayer - not just for travel this weekend, but consistently as you do for us. By reading their blog you will quickly sense the underlying emotions they're facing, and our heart goes out to them. We would appreciate your support for that family as well, if it's possible.

Enough for today - thanks so much for being here with us.

Eric

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Day 639 - March 16 - Still Stranded

A long time ago, while we were still in Fresno, y'all prayed for what I have jokingly referred to since then as "mechanical healing" for our RV. It was the middle of a hot summer, our ancient tenement on wheels needed to get from Morgan Hill to Fresno, and it needed a new thermostat. And the thermostat housing was so solidly age-welded into place that we thought the engine might have to be removed to get to it. Y'all prayed that old vehicle into new health and we got the rig down to Fresno without disaster, with friends stepping in to get the work done, and unknown mechanics deciding on their own to use just the right finesse and patience to get the thing repaired without major expense. It was a pretty cool thing, as I recall.

Well, we kinda need you to do it again. As of last night, Connor's perfectly-running van (that went in for routine, preventative maintenance last Tuesday evening) is still in the shop; and I'm told now that the turbocharger has to be replaced. While the "what's the problem" part is only mildly vexing, my big concern is that we still have no transportation for the boy. He's got a number of serious medical events in the next week (that have been planned for months) that he just can't miss, and no way to get there. While this is a reputable dealer and there's no reason to suspect there are shenanigans going on, and while the folks there have been trying mightily to get this taken care of, the fact remains that Connor needs to be able to travel - soon.

Would you please take a moment when you pray to lift up this situation for us? I know it seems somewhat silly, and I know that these things happen under God's guidance for our growth and His glory - but I also believe that we're to bring our concerns to Him. Connor needs to get to these appointments, so we need some transportation for him soon. So your prayers in this regard are appreciated.

I'm gonna keep this short because I overslept this morning, so it's off to work for me. But I want to say again how much we appreciate your faithful care for us, and for your journeying with us through this time.

God bless y'all,

Eric

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Day 637 - March 14 - Trapped

Connor has been having a few ups and downs this week - some difficult nights, some good nights, some days of pain, some days pain free - in other words, just another week on this journey. In general, though, it does seem that the boy is using less medication overall lately, which is always a good thing.

Our biggest frustration this week is that we're stranded here at the house, and have been since Tuesday evening. That was when I took Connor's van in to the dealer for its 10K mile preventative maintenance, a one-day event for a vehicle that works perfectly well. Sure enough, I picked it up Wednesday evening only to find that now the van won't downshift. Turned around and took it back, "we'll get it straightened out tomorrow". Thursday afternoon and now "we have to wait for a part from Los Angeles, you'll have it Friday". Friday comes and so does the part, and now the van's worse than it was before the new part. Of course, they're not open over the weekend, so now we're looking at Monday night at the earliest before Connor's sole mode of long-distance transportation returns to duty.

Interestingly, they seem to think that the rental car they're providing should make the extra delay OK. It's a tiny little car I call "the four-door Speck". I'm not sure it could carry Connor and his chair even if we could get him into it, so it's not exactly a replacement.

And that's what I think frustrates me the most - how dependent we are on stuff that breaks. I mean, it's one thing to be trapped at home for a week while we wait for a van repair. It's another thing entirely if the van were to break down on the road. If it did, AAA would send out a tow truck in its usual efficient manner. But what do you do when you get towed? You climb up in the truck because they can't tow a vehicle with someone inside it. But wait - Connor can't get into the tow truck...so we're now on the side of the road without transportation. Oh, I know! I'll call a friend to pick us up - no, wait, nobody has a vehicle that we can get into. OK, then I'll call Outreach, the transportation service the county runs for disabled people - assuming we're in the county. No, wait, that won't work either - they don't have the capability to transport more than 400 pounds, and Connor and his chair weigh more than that. Hmmm, how do we get home?

So, we're completely dependent on one thing - and if that breaks, we're hosed. In rock climbing, that's called "relying on a single point of failure", and it's something you really, really, really try to not do. Because while it might work sometimes, one of these days it's not going to; and then you've suddenly quit rock climbing and taken up skydiving, without a chute. Not a good thing.

So, what do we do? Hope it doesn't happen, I guess. We certainly can't afford a second van to sit around in case we need it. And, though I forget sometimes, if anything like that were to happen, it would be occurring in God's plan and timing for the purpose of conforming us more closely to Christ's image, so I guess I should quit worrying about it and focus on things I actually have some influence over, right?

Like making sure I respond to a certain Service Manager in a fashion which glorifies Christ...

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Day 633 - March 10 - See Me?

"Hubris" |ˈ(h)yoōbris| noun - excessive pride or self-confidence.

I've been wrestling with it this week, after some things I heard recently made me realize how prideful I was in this situation. Two things have been going on in me over the last few months which, in retrospect, aren't very Christlike at all. The first is more obvious to me, and we've been praying that we would have the right heart in it for the last few months, and it goes like this - there is a certain twisted pride to navigating this journey we're on - when you are surviving in a situation that nobody would want to be in, there comes a sense of accomplishment that can easily blossom into disdain for those who are struggling with what might be termed "lesser" trials. It is summed up in the thought that I confess to having had when hearing of someone seeking prayer for something that, in comparison to Connor's trials, seems somewhat trivial. "Pray for us! I hurt my back and it's hard to go to work! Please be praying!" And the response I have sometimes thought is "Really? Take a look at my son and then tell me how terrible things are!" See what I mean? It's a nasty sense of pride - "we're worse off than you, so get over whatever's bothering you".

I want to make it clear here that I condemn that thought, and if you've ever felt anything like it from me I owe you a great apology. That's a wrong way to think. Joélle and I have been discussing this, and our conclusion is that just because we have had to swim in deep water doesn't mean that we should deride someone who's scared of the shallow end. Nobody tells someone who is just learning to swim "Hey, quit being frightened of three-foot-deep water. Try swimming in the deep end and see how you like it!" Especially because not too long ago we were having to learn it too. No, you encourage them to stretch their comfort zone to learn the skills necessary for safely navigating the pool, and that's kind of what we're supposed to be doing. Our response to this is best summed up in this phrase - If the water's over your head, it doesn't matter how deep it is. All us swimmers ought to be helping each other!

So that's one pride issue I am having to deal with in this walk I'm on. Remember I said two? The second is more subtle, and it springs from the previous thought.

I love words. I love language, and the flow and structure of how you can weave these little bits into cohesive and beautiful imagery. And because I love words, I really love it when I dream up some word picture that works. Like the bit about encouraging people into the pool when they don't know how to swim, or being cast into deep water to sink or swim. I'm actually quite proud of "If the water's over your head, it doesn't matter how deep it is" - it's a fantastic summation of a concept, using a word picture to give the reader exactly the right imagery to make the connection I want them to make (see, I told you I love words).

There's only one problem with that word picture - it's wrong.

Oh, I don't mean "wrong" as in "incorrect" - the truth of the statement is still true, and it's a good word picture. But it's only a good word picture as far as it goes, and in this case it doesn't go far enough. This is the thing I've been pondering this last week. You might be asking "Why doesn't it go far enough? Seems to work for me..." - at least, I hope you're asking something like that right now. But the fact of the matter is that, despite the fact that I was spot on when I wove that phrase for the first time, I missed the point completely.

I have tried to convey this point I've missed in a new poem, which I hope you'll find enlightening. I include it here -

"See Me?"

I thought I was well doing,
to swim in the deeps.
Thrown in the water I struggled
to sink not,
but swim.
Crashing into cold and gripping wet
I breathed,
half air, half drowning, all panic
as it closed over my head.

I plunged into darkness -
which way is up?
Until despite
my
fear
my face broke
the surface and I gulped
hurriedly for any air.
First futile plashing
then
more purposefully I pushed against
these waves that threatened over me,
and found
a way to float
over this darkling blue abyss.

See me? See how I swim?
I find I did not drown
when
first I thought I would.
See me? I cannot touch bottom, and
yet
God keeps me up
to
my neck but no higher.
See me? Look at me and
see that you can swim.
It matters not how deep is
the bottom that you cannot touch.
You learn from me that you
too
can swim in three feet
or six feet
or six thousand.

See me? See my conceit
in something so far wrong,
that I would pride in swimming
in water
upon which
He means for me to walk.

See me? My failure to
set
even one foot upon an
unyielding wave
but yet boast, who dares not
to willfully
step
out
of
a
boat?

See me? Who puffs up
upon learning to swim,
to do
what
any child can learn?

See Him. See the Man
who calls you,
and me,
to some
thing
no man can do.

See Him. He
beckons me to
cease my
prideful floats and swims,
and
walk to Him.
Instead.

Eric Williamson

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Day 631 - March 8 - They that Wait

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

- Isaiah 40:31

We all know this verse from the Old Testament - if you're a believer, or have been journeying with us here at CW for any length of time, you've heard it time and time again. It's a great verse.

It also brought home to me how many verses I've memorized in the King James Version even though I seldom read the KJV. But in this case, that's a good thing, because the fact that I think of this verse in the KJV was instrumental in developing a thought I've never had before, and let me see this verse in a different light.

How, you might ask? Well, if you take a few minutes and look this verse up in most of the other contemporary translations, you'll find that the translators give a certain meaning to the first phrase of this verse by translating the Hebrew into a sentence that means "wait for the Lord" - that's how the NAS and ESV translate it, and the NIV translates it "hope in the Lord" which pretty much means the same thing. A literal translation gives a sense of anticipation or expectation, so these are accurate, at least in my opinion (which when added to four dollars will almost get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks.)

But since I memorized it in the King James, that's how I hear it in my head when I repeat it to myself. I was thinking about it the other day, pondering the one-word message I heard from the Lord earlier this year - "wait". And because I'm not very good at waiting, I was thinking about this and wondering what it meant to "wait upon the Lord" when the alternate meaning of that phrase jumped into my head. You see, there's more than one kind of waiting.

When I read this verse, I always think of the "hang out on the bench in the mall while I wait for my wife to come out of the fitting room" kind of waiting, or the "Hurry up! I'm second in line for the bathroom" kind of waiting - but I have never (until now, at least) thought about it in the sense of the "someone who waits upon someone else" kind of waiting.

If you go to any restaurant where the food doesn't come in a paper bag, there are people there who hold a job position entitled "Wait Staff". You've met countless waiters and waitresses in your day, I'm sure. And these people's job is to bring food to your table. Is that the word picture I'm going for here? Not quite.

You see, these waiters and waitresses only get their title from earlier, more meaningful positions. The original is most recognizable by this phrase - "Ladies in Waiting". "What were they waiting for?", I've asked myself, but the answer isn't what they were waiting for, it's who they were waiting on. By the way, only females had ladies in waiting - men had a person or people called "manservants", but they performed similar functions. You see, the job of ladies in waiting and manservants was to ensure that every need of the person they served was met completely. They helped their employer bathe, and dress; they ran errands, they entertained, and yes, when their employer was less scrupulous these folks were often called upon to do other deeds as well. If you were to believe Hollywood, you might be tempted to think a manservant was sort of like a butler - but the true sense is that a butler takes care of a dwelling, while a manservant (or lady in waiting) takes care of a person.

Got the idea? These folks have one job - wait for their employer's instruction and do it. Hence the name. And yes, I can imagine that employing a group of people for the purpose of making sure my personal requirements were taken care of is probably somewhat expensive, which explains why only royalty had these people back in the day. Which also explains why the approved response from a manservant upon receiving instruction was supposed to be "Yes, m'lord". Eerily appropriate, isn't it?

OK, so back to the verse. "They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength". Remember, we're talking about an alternate concept, not the clear understanding that this means "wait for" the Lord. But while we're waiting for the One we serve, shouldn't we be waiting upon Him as well?

What does it mean to wait upon the Lord in this sense? Well, for starters, I'd say it means we're supposed to be doing what He wants us to do while we wait. I don't think the concept here is "go sit over there until I get to you". I think it's more in line with Scripture to say that we're to be doing while we wait, not just waiting to do. Does that make sense? And all this goes for all of you who are reading this, too. How are you - how am I - supposed to be filling up this time as we wait for the Lord to heal? Do we sit and wait? Do I sit and blog? Is there more to be done? What is it He wants you, and I, to do during this time?

Well, for one, I can tell you that there are many, many hurting people who need to see God's faithfulness during their time of crisis. They're near you - in a hospital, or a funeral parlor, or a jail or homeless shelter near you. Are you touching them? Am I? Jesus would be - what's our excuse for not doing so?

I want you - yes, you individually who are reading this - I want you to consider what it means in your life to wait upon the Lord. What is He asking of you? What is He requiring of you? What is He expecting of you? I want you to ask yourself those questions.

And when you've answered them, ask another one -

Why aren't you doing it?

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Day 628 - March 5 - Bits and Pieces

A bunch of short items I've been meaning to mention but haven't blogged about yet - I'm gonna number them for later reference. I hope you don't mind...

1) I want to take a second to say how extraordinarily proud of my daughter I am. She and her husband are finishing up their Bachelor's degrees at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago this Spring - their hands are overflowing with work, and school, and studying, and getting ready to move their household back to California in May, and trying to find jobs out here, and a million other things. And she is is sensitive, intelligent, and compassionate enough to recognize that she may have impacted someone in the wrong way, and courageous enough to do something about it. If you didn't see her comment on the last post, all I can say is "what she said". Way to go, Joélle! Your Pops is so proud of you!

2) I'm pretty proud of Connor this week as well. He handled himself so well through two different doctor's sessions - so much better than anybody could have asked for. On Tuesday he saw his SCI doctor, which was a good visit all in all. Amongst other things, she's going to be ordering some physical therapy for him, assuming we can find a therapist that is covered by our insurance and will work with someone on a ventilator. There's a prayer request for you!

She was also frankly a bit astonished when she examined him. After looking at the state of his muscles, his lack of atrophy, and his breathing, she shook her head and said that Connor's body is not following the path for SCI patients - he is limber, his muscles are toned, they aren't atrophying, and he doesn't breathe or talk as if he were on a vent. She has decided to get the original MRIs from Fresno (she's actually been trying but they haven't been willing to send them) and order some new ones because, in her words "there may be something that's causing the nerves to act this way (in these unusual fashions) and we need to find out what it is". I am praying that there will be some clear, physical cause to Connor's situation that can be addressed, and that when taken care of will remove his paralysis. My God is a mighty God - He miraculously repaired Connor's arteries back in Fresno - and He can do this. Pray with me...

3) Connor saw his pulmonologist yesterday because of trouble with his lungs. He seems to be having some difficulty staying saturated with O2, and so the doc wants to do some X-rays and stuff to see what's going on in that department. Please be praying for that situation as well - even with a machine breathing for you, that whole oxygen thing is still kinda important...

4) If you only check the blog occasionally and spend all your time on Facebook instead, the ConnorWatch Community has a presence there as well. Search the Pages for "ConnorWatch" and you'll find us. So far, it's been a sort of annex to this site. It'll be interesting to see what becomes of it!

5) We're in the market to hire a trained massage therapist to work with the boy a couple of times a week here at the house. If you're local, and either are or know of an experience massage therapist looking for some more work, we want to talk to you! Contact me directly through the "Contact Us" page on the site, which can be reached from the bottom of each site page.

OK, enough. I know that as soon as I stop blogging, I'll think of something else I should have posted, but it's time to get ready for work. Thank y'all for sticking with us. Continue to trust God and wait with us!

Eric

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Day 626 - March 3 - Responses

OK. I've apparently stirred up the hornet's nest with my last post, at least for some. That's OK - I appreciate anybody who has a concern for us and for the boy, even when they think we disagree about something. The fact is, I am grateful for anyone who cares enough to lift us before the Throne of Grace. So I am going to try to respond in an intelligible way to some of the criticism offered up in the comments of the last post.

But first, a word from our sponsors, sort of...

There are readers of this blog who have been with us since my brother Brad turned it on at about Day 3, and there are readers who have joined us after that at various times, so I need to go back and remind everyone about one thing.

I write this blog, offering up a window into not only my soul and feelings, but also into this journey my family is on. I try to be as open and honest about what we're going through as I possibly can, because I believe God has called me to do that here. And every single person who reads this knows that my name is Eric Williamson, and that I live in Morgan Hill California in the USA. If my bosses were curious, they could come here and read this stuff and get a good glimpse into my soul. I stand here with my innermost heart bared to anyone who reads it, and the only thing I ask in return is that, when you offer comments to the community by clicking the comment button, that you give us the honor of your name. It doesn't have to be your full name - it doesn't even have to be your real name. But I object strongly to potshots taken at me and mine while the writer hides safely behind their wall of anonymity. And I say this - if you as a commenter don't feel strongly enough about your opinion to put your name on it, why do you think I, or anyone else, will find any value in it? By sniping at us from hiding, as it were, you take away any impact your words might have had. Here's why - if someone offers me encouragement anonymously, I shrug my shoulders and say "well that's nice". And if you offer criticism to me with your name attached, I'll consider your viewpoint and see if it has truth and value - this blog is full of instances where I said "you know, you're right - I need to do better at that". But if I get offered criticism from behind the veil of secrecy, I categorically reject it because the author's actions say that they are unsure enough about their opinion to not want to put their name on it, or they want to rampage without being accountable for their statements. And that's not conducive to the community we want to be here. Whether you're a believer, or not, or Protestant or Catholic or Hindu or Buddhist or an atheist, or white or black or brown or green or purple, none of that matters - this WILL be a community where anybody is free to take part in this discourse, in a civil and loving manner.

So, all that being said, I will say this in response to our anonymous commenter's implication that I suffer from the "evil heresy of spiritual pride" because we haven't pursued any and all potential cures and treatments - I'm a prideful man. Subjecting my will to God's is often a struggle of, well, biblical proportions. I am often blinded by my own desires and intentions. And I pray often that I would not be so, that I would instead be able and willing to be submissive to Christ's leading. That's actually part of why we're where we are right now - I'm desperately trying to do what God has for us with Connor and his treatment - and (for the record) that includes spending money on anything that shows promise. Connor has the best SCI doctor on the west coast as his personal physician of record, even though she is not covered by my insurance. We have fought and maintained the battle to have him provided with the equipment he needs, rather than settle for the stuff the insurance companies want to give us. If I find out about treatments which hold real promise for Connor, we'll try to figure out how to pay for it. But just so you know, when we were looking at places for Connor to receive treatment back in 2008, one of the costs to be considered was transport. We looked at moving to Seattle so Connor could be at a hospital up there, and the cost of the flight for him was going to be about $40,000. Which the insurance company wouldn't pay, by the way, since Valley is 25 miles from our home. So, we stayed here, because the difference in care between the two was negligible.

If Connor can have real benefit from something somewhere, I am confident that my God will provide to get him there. But as I examine options, nothing has shown the promise of improvement that makes bankrupting my family worth the cost. There's a clinic in India that's doing some extraordinary things, if their reports are to be believed. It will cost us over $100,000 to get Connor there for ONE treatment series, and he would need three or four to see any - ANY - improvement. So we could sell the house - oh, no, wait - no equity in it anymore because of the housing market - well, I guess we could tap our savings - oh, that's right, we don't have $400,000. Hmmm, anybody got a cool half million lying around we could have? So we could spend it on a treatment with no guarantee of success of any improvement whatsoever? Any takers?

You see, it's not that we wouldn't do whatever we could to see Connor restored - it's that man's work at curing SCI has little if any possibility of standing him back up. But God, who created the boy in the first place, needs only to stretch out His hand and say "your faith has made you well. Rise up and walk" and Connor will pop up out of that chair so fast OUR heads will spin! He may choose to do that through a medical treatment somewhere, and we continue to pray that He would guide us in the right steps, and that we'd have the strength to follow. But until He leads off, we're gonna do what He's told us to do.

Wait.

And pray. And seek His leading. And wait some more until He says otherwise.

If that's heretical, then call me a heretic.

Eric.

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Day 624 - March 1 - Going to Meet Him

I got asked a question this morning that I don't really have an answer for. I thought I'd drop it up to y'all and see what you think. The question was basically "If you really believe that God is going to heal Connor, why aren't you flying across the globe to pursue his cure/healing?"

This was asked to me privately, but it seems to me that this is a good topic for open discussion, so I'm bringing it to the blog. I'm hoping y'all can help provide some insight into this.

How can you provide insight into my/our thought processes? Well, I don't know - but I'm willing to give you a chance!

Here goes - back in the Bible days, there were three kinds of people who looked to Jesus for healing. There were the folks who Jesus just happened upon, like the lame guy at the Pool of Bethesda, and the servant of the high priest at Jesus' betrayal. Then there were the people who came for healing to Jesus on someone else's behalf, like the Centurion, or the friends of the guy they lowered through the roof. And finally, there are the people who came to Him on their own behalf, like nearly everybody else. At one time or another, we've been all three of those people in this journey - we petition God every day for his healing, in prayer if nothing else. But should we be doing something more?

Well, that's a good question. But, what? What should we be doing? Should we fly to India for stem cell treatments? Should we be picking up the household and moving somewhere that might help us with physical therapy? Should we chase faith healers around the countryside, hoping for God's handout? Should I bankrupt my family pursuing all of the dubious claims of medical psuedo-science in the hope that something is going to pay off? Where do I go?

I'll tell you this - my faith is not in any of those things. My faith for Connor's healing lies squarely in the hands of the Almighty God, not in any man or woman, any preacher, or priest, or doctor, or medicine, or treatment, or equipment - my God will heal my son. He will have the glory.

Can't He use medicine or something to heal the boy? Sure He can. But - the trick is to know what it is that God wants to use, and right now I've got no clue. In my prayers for the last 20+ months regarding Connor's healing, I've clearly heard from God one - one - time. As I've asked and pleaded and wrestled for Connor's sake, only once have I sensed any sort of answer to my plea that God heal my son. Do you know what that answer was? "Wait". One word. "Wait".

So that's what we're doing, or at least trying to do. Maybe one of these days we'll get a sense that we're supposed to pursue a particular direction, and we'll do that. Maybe God wants us to wait because next year there's going to be a miracle cure come out on the market. Maybe He wants us to wait because there's a person He's going to use for Connor's healing who isn't in place yet. Maybe He wants us to wait because His audience isn't complete for His miraculous healing. I don't know, all I know is that I'm waiting, and praying, and trusting, and trying to survive through this another day.

In the meantime, pray that we'll be ready to act if He needs us to. And keep watching - God isn't done with this yet!

Eric

PS - So that's kind of my answer to the original question. What do you think? Do you have a sense from your prayer life that we should be going in one direction or another? Your insight is appreciated...

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