Day 621 - February 26 - The Links I mentioned

OK, here's a couple links back to the previous posts I mentioned yesterday about prayer...

My Atrophied Faith - Part 2. The prayer topic begins about halfway down.

My Atrophied Faith - Part 3.

Hopefully, these will be some reference points for the discussion in yesterday's post.

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Day 620 - February 25 - A Good Question

Those of you who read this blog without logging onto the site itself sometimes miss good stuff going on "inside". A good example is this thing we have in there called The Chatterbox - just a window where people can ask questions, converse in realtime with other members, stuff like that - but every once in a while a jewel of a comment or question comes along, and if you're not logged in you won't see it.

This morning was one of those jewels. I logged on this morning to find this question -

In light of your realization that His ways are not our ways and that He is using everything that happens in our lives to work out His own purposes to His glory, is it the best thing or right thing that we should continually pray for Him to change our circumstances or our situation?

Wow, how often do you get fed a lead-in like that? So without embarrassing her, I want to say "thank you" to Carolyn for participating and offering that up - you made my day with that question! So, here goes my attempt to answer it...

In order to give you my understanding of this, let's set a few givens. First, the fact that we can recognize that "His ways are not our ways and that He is using everything that happens in our lives to work out His own purposes to His glory" doesn't do two things - first, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a human, with human frailty, and human sins, and the uncanny human ability to not see things that are as plain as the nose on my face. And second, it doesn't make me like the way things are. Given that I can grasp the concept of God working in and through us for His glory, I think there are some progressions yet to be made - I can accept the idea, but I don't love it. Paul talked in Colossians about rejoicing in his sufferings - I'm not there, at least not yet. But I can at least grasp the idea, and maybe even accept it a bit. But I'd still change it if I could.

Next, there's a sticking point about how to pray. I'll come back when I have a few minutes and link back to a couple of posts on that topic I wrote earlier, but I am convinced that I am commanded to continue to pray for the boy's healing. Just to quickly name a few, there's the parable of the persistent widow, which Jesus gave to His disciples so they would know "to pray and not give up"; there's the parable of the man who seeks something from his neighbor in the middle of the night, pounding on the door until the man within finally opens up and provides; and there's the story of Bartimaeus the blind man, who refused to stop crying out to Jesus for healing, despite protests from his friends that he should be quiet. These three examples demonstrate pretty clearly that Jesus Himself expects us to pray for what we want until we're answered.

Now I've noticed a curious thing in my prayers for and about Connor lately. They've modified from the initial panicked and tortured cries to God. They've become conversations with Him instead. I often find myself praying for you guys, that God would hear your cries. I remind (sorry, that's the only word I can use for what it is I do) God that I am waiting and expecting Connor's healing every day - I tell God that I will keep asking this every day until he's healed or God calls me home, whichever is first. Each night when I lie down, I pray "well, I guess not today. Will you heal him tomorrow, Lord?" And there's a sense of certainty about it that was never there before - I'm quite calm and confident about the boy's restoration these days. One of these days, the answer to my nightly prayer is going to be "yes", and I cannot wait - even though I am understanding more about how God works in and through this. I don't know, but I think (and hope) that it's because I've gotten a better understanding of God, how He wants me to pray, and maybe I'm trusting Him a bit more than I used to.

Finally, the last part of Carolyn's question lingers - " is it the best thing or right thing that we should continually pray for Him to change our circumstances or our situation?" I would say that the answer is "yes", judging from my experience. My continual cry to God for my son has brought me to a place where my prayers often sound like this - "Lord, I KNOW you can heal my son. I know it I know it I know it. Will You?"

If that's not a sign of increased faith, I don't know what is. Perhaps it's like a teenaged boy, testing his strength against his dad. There's no chance of the boy overpowering his father, but his dad has to put some muscle into it to keep the young buck in line, and in doing so helps the boy grow stronger, and wiser, and tougher. The father's resistance makes the son work harder, and helps him grow into the man he will one day become. And the more the two of them wrestle, the more they enjoy the process and the time together.

Seems like that's a good thing, to me.

Eric

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Day 618 - February 23 - Oops, just kidding...

Well, it turns out we had the date for Connor's appointment wrong. It's not for February 23, it's for March 23rd! So I'm going to backburner that request for now - please keep it in mind for next month, and I'm sure I'll be reminding y'all again when the date gets closer.

Thanks for faithfully lifting him up.

Eric

PS - When we called the hospital this morning to confirm that they were ready for him, the response was "We don't have anybody on this floor that could help. Maybe they could send somebody over from the Doctor's clinic?" Even after we had called them three times to ensure they were ready. And this is one of the foremost SCI hospitals in the area! You can see why we're asking for your prayers...

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Day 618 - February 23 - Proud and Requesting Prayer

Tuesday morning. Connor has spent a good night sleeping, and is still resting as I start my day at 0530. Sunday night the three of us went over the hill to Scotts Valley, where we met our friend Allie, her family, and some mutual friends for dinner. Allie is in a similar situation as the boy is, and my heart swelled as I watched them interact. Connor truly put her at ease there, and before too long we were all chatting and laughing, and though we'd heard about Allie's true smile before this, that night we got to see it. It was truly a joy to see Connor being such a relaxed and effective mentor and friend, even in the midst of such difficult circumstances. He's a good man, and I was proud to be his father that night.

I do have a pretty significant prayer request this morning. Today, Connor has to go for some outpatient surgery to address a secondary issue he's been having. While I won't go into any detail, this afternoon at 2 PM he'll be in Valley Medical Center. I'm sure y'all know what a joy outpatient surgery can be, what with gowns that are too small, and cold examination rooms, and impersonal nurses and all that. Add in the unknowns like "will there be anybody there to help him get onto the table?" and such, and it makes for a pretty intimidating day. Please be praying that God would go before us and make the way smooth - that the personnel would be in place and pleased to be helping, that all of us will respond with grace, that the doctor will be skilled and knowledgeable, and that the procedure will be quick, painless and successful.

Thank you for staying with us and praying with us,

Eric

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Day 616 - February 21 - Good vs. Bad

I've been pondering something all week, trying to get my head around it a bit, and I'm going to use this blog to try and put my thoughts into some sort of cohesive whole. I hope you don't mind too much...

The other day I was catching up on Jacob Kirkendall (his story is here), and I was reading a post by Jacob's older brother, Rob. Rob is in college down south, and he and I seem to think a lot alike. We have the same sort of spin on events, and we both seem to share perspectives, so we've struck up a conversation through our computers. Anyway, I read a post by him wherein he is pondering and questioning a number of things - why these young, vital people are injured so severely, how that honors God, what kind of God is it that allows these sort of things - these kinds of questions. You can link over to his blog posting by clicking here, if you're interested...

Basically, Rob was asking why bad things happen to good people - how many times have we heard that question? That question gets asked by people like you and me, it gets asked by people in pain, it gets asked by intellectuals as a sort of tentative argument against the concept of a "good" god, sort of an "If bad happens to good people, how is that a sign of a loving god?" kind of thing. And over the last twenty months, I've asked those questions over and over again. And I wanted to discuss with y'all my response to him and his questions.

He called the day his brother was injured "evil". He stated that Good Friday wasn't "Good", because that was the day Christ died. I understand that - I've had those same thoughts. But the more I have thought about it and prayed about it, in light of some of the lessons I've learned on this journey, I think those thoughts are wrong. Not wrong as in "morally crooked", but wrong as in "incorrect".

You see, I've come to the conclusion that we, as humans, are fundamentally incapable of effectively judging what is "good" and what is "bad". When we try to decide that, most of us use the same yardstick - how it affects us personally. If it makes us feel better, then it's "good", and if it makes us feel worse, it's "bad". Take a second to apply that thought to your reactions to the things in your own life and you'll see that I'm right. Lose a job? Bad. Have a healthy baby? Good. Eat bad calamari and get sick? Bad. Enjoy a wonderful dinner with friends? Good. Run down a beach and get paralyzed? Bad. Have less people show up in the church meeting? Bad. Have more and more people showing up instead? Good.

You see, all those judgements are based on how they affect us, and that means the judgements are fundamentally flawed, because of the subjective basis of the measuring stick.

Let me give you an example - when Connor was at Valley in San Jose, he was in isolation because of MRSA and psuedamonas. He was cleared of it and it was just one more day before we could quit wearing all the extra protective clothing and he could be in a room with other people, and we were looking forward to being released from these restrictions. That day, the doctors came in and told us they had found references to a third highly infectious bug he had and he'd have to stay in isolation. We were really frustrated. How could this bad thing happen when we had been praying so diligently that he be released from these restrictions? For two days, as they waited for test results, I railed on about how wrong this all was.

But - they moved us down to rehab during that time, and Connor was placed in a single room instead of the group dorm setting the other patients were in. And the day after we moved down, the results came back and he didn't have the third bug at all - but they left us in the single room.

God used the third bug to bless us with privacy and security in a place that has none. And yet I was convinced of the wrongness of the thing from the start.

I learned then that I really don't have a clue when it comes to judging "good" and "bad", because the only measuring stick I have is my own viewpoint, and that is necessarily subjective.

So what does that mean to you, and me, and Jacob and his brother? Well, I don't think God looks at the things that happen to us as either "good" or "bad" - I think He sees them in light of His purpose, which is to move us into conformity, or the likeness, of Christ. I also think He wants us to see them that way, too. I think that God lovingly and compassionately tends to his children like a gardener tends to his garden - pruning, weeding, trimming, fertilizing; all with an eye to the goal of the perfectly designed and laid-out finished product. And that means that although the plant in question at the moment might try to tell you otherwise, the act of pruning an errant branch is no more "bad" than the acts of watering or fertilizing.

If you believe, truly believe, in a loving, compassionate, omnipotent God, the things that come into your life aren't - they cannot be - simply "good" or "bad". They're all happening for a very distinct purpose, along a very distinct plan, guided by a very capable Hand. So when they come along in your lives, seeing them as good or bad is really improper - they aren't good. And they aren't bad.

All they are, all they can be, is glorious. Not in the sense of a bright and shining light, but in the sense that they exist to bring glory to their Maker.

I think God calls us to live our lives seeing that. To get off the human emotional rollercoaster and trust that He really does know what He's got planned.

I'd even go so far as to say that God doesn't see Good Friday as evil - I'd say He sees that day as the moment in time when He cut a living branch from a dying plant, and grafted it into a new Vine - full of hope, and promise, and a glorious future.

Not an evil day at all.

Eric

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Day 612 - February 17 - Am I a Dead Man?

First, let me say what a pleasure it has been having Cherié back home. Her absence always highlights how hard she works while she's here, but even more, she's a vital part of the family and we're glad she's home. Connor has had a couple of really good days, which are welcome relief from a few of the days we had over the weekend. He remains healthy, but it remains true that we see little progress in a return of function. It seems that God's idea of timing and my idea of timing are off again. Surprise, surprise!

I was thinking this morning about living in the power of the Holy Spirit, and I wonder if I'm doing it wrong. You see, my existence is quite simply, a struggle to get through each day. While it's different than it was in June 2008, it still seems that God does not communicate with me at all; I can find no sense of God's purpose or will in my life, nor am I brimming with the "peace that passes understanding". The only difference I can discern between those days of panicked chaos two summers ago and today is that then, I desperately prayed and hoped for healing and intervention, and now, I have a quiet confidence that my son will be restored. Is that just a sign that I've gotten too tired to worry about it anymore? Or is it truly the Holy Spirit working in me? How do I tell?

You see, Paul tells us "it is no longer I who lives, but Christ lives in me". Well, if I no longer live, then I'm a dead man, right? A dead man, we call a corpse. You view "the remains" at a funeral. It's all that's left after a man dies. It's not the main part, it's the leftovers, and it's not going to stick around long. It is no longer animated, but rather just the shell that the person used to live in. Well, what Paul is saying is that if I've been crucified with Christ, then I'm a corpse that has been reanimated by Christ - sort of a spiritual zombie, if you will. But not one of those shambling creatures from the horror flicks; rather, since the Holy Spirit is doing the indwelling, a better living man than before, right?

What does that feel like? What is it to be a third party to your own existence? For if I'm dead, then at some level I am an observer to what goes on in and through this body. You see, many times the only descriptive words I have for what it feels like to be "me" is "a shell, empty except when it's filled with pain". And yet, many tell me that these words I pen encourage and challenge them, and I usually respond with something like "Thank you, it pleases me that something I've done has helped you - but it's not me." Remember, I'm just an ATC line grunt - I've got no dispensation from on high, I've got no special education, I've got no fancy diplomas - I'm just a man with a hurting son. So anything good that comes from this isn't from me.

All that being said, how does a corpse tell if he's dead and reanimated? Is that the only way to tell - by the reflected impact his existence has on others? Can he tell the difference between him being alive and him being dead but having someone else live in him? Does it feel different? I wonder - is it really possible to know if Christ is living in you, if you spend every moment of every day trying to just take the next step? If it's truly no longer I who live, but Christ living in me, shouldn't my strength be "the joy of the Lord"? And if so, shouldn't that somehow be joyful?

I'm sorry, I seem to be good at asking questions but not so good at answering them. Maybe y'all have some insight into this.

In the meantime, thank you so much for being here with us. You folks are such an encouragement and blessing to me and my family.

God bless,

Eric

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Day 610 - February 15 - She's home!

Just a brief note to A) apologize for not posting since Thursday, and B) let you know that Cherié has made it safely home from Chicago. She got in last night, refreshed and pleased to have been able to spend some time with her mom and her daughter. They had a great time in the 10-degree weather, and it was a blessing for them all.

The flight home gave her one prayer request for y'all - there were so many people on the plane that were coughing, sneezing, kids with runny noses, etc., that Cherié is concerned about her health. So if you lift her up, prayers for her continued good health would be greatly appreciated.

I'll get back into the blogging mode in the next few days - I've had my hands pretty full for the weekend! Thanks for staying with us!

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Day 606 - February 11 - Bachelors

A brief update - Cherié and Granny P. both made it to Chicago, and are currently tearing up the town in company with Joélle. Connor and I somehow survived the first day and night by ourselves, so I suppose we'll make it through the rest of the weekend as well! Just for the record, I'm really, really impressed by my wife. Everything she juggles to keep the house running and Connor healthy while I'm at work makes air traffic control seem easy!

Please be praying that this weekend will be a refreshing, renewing one for Cherié, that she will be able to renew her strength with these few days off.

I was reading A. W. Tozer this morning, and he wrote of a couple who came to his church because the church they were at didn't preach what they were looking for. What they were looking for was a church which taught a Scriptural view of healing, because they were ill. Tozer got his men together and anointed them for healing. He then wrote about churches, and the people in them, who believe something but don't preach it, and questioned - if you lay claim to believe something, but don't preach it, do you really believe?

I found it interesting that the context of these writings was healing. It seems that the body of Christ gets so hung up over whether God still heals people - and that question demonstrates quite clearly a misunderstanding of God's nature. He is the same - yesterday, and today, and forever. If He healed 2000 years ago, He heals today. It's an immutable quality of His divinity, not something He puts on and takes off as He sees fit. So hear my preaching, people - I believe in the unqualified power, will, and capability of my God to perform healing miracles in this day, in this society, in this people. I believe He directs me to pray, without ceasing, for my heart's requests, until He answers them. I believe that He desires and expects me to actively believe that I've received the things I bring to Him.

Because I believe these things, and despite the small requests I occasionally make for prayer about comfort, or health, or travel, I want to ask something of those of you who pray with me about Connor - if it comes down to what you're going to pray for - healing, or whatever I'm asking for today, like I mentioned for Cherié above - if you have to choose what you're going to spend time praying for, pick healing. God will see us through the daily struggles and frustrations; but only He can set my son upright again. Apart from Him, there is no hope of restoration. But oh, what hope He brings! So don't stop - don't drift off - don't give up praying for Connor's healing. Despite the time, God's not finished with this. Gird yourself and continue to bang on the door for his healing. God will answer, this I know. And think of the joy and amazement you will experience when this course is run, when you see the answers to your prayers standing in front of you. And think of the lavish praise that will be His when God stretches out His hand...

Eric

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Day 604 - February 9 - Storms

Storms. They seem to like to hang out with the Williamsons, We get 'em all - rain, snow, dust, hail; you name it, we're gonna be affected by it. Emotional storms, too - paralysis, autism, Down's Syndrome, brain injury - all have hit some part of this family. Somedays it feels as if this family is God's favorite testing ground for new miseries to deal with. In these emotional storms, we do the only thing left to us - we hunker down and trust God to see us through, and try not to walk too much in our own pathetic strength. During storms of the weather, however, we have different options...

I bring this up because tomorrow, Wednesday, is supposed to be the beginning of a Girl's Weekend for Cherié, Joélle, and Granny P. Cherié and her mom are supposed to fly to Chicago tomorrow for five days with Joélle and a much needed break. So, of course, there is a monster snow storm hitting Chicago right now that's canceling flights left and right. It's supposed to clear tomorrow sometime, but they are trying to decide right now if they should postpone the trip and go a different time. What a difficult decision - please be praying for them as they try to decide how to proceed. Cherié really needs the break - but she also doesn't want to spend it on an airport bench somewhere.

Connor and I, presuming the girls' plans work out, will be batching it until Sunday. So please pray for us during that time as well - I've arranged for some friends to come help, but Cherié is the one that smooths our way around here, and doing without her is always interesting. We'd appreciate your support in this area as well.

Connor had a good night's rest last night, but much of the past few days has again been filled with pain and discomfort in his shoulders. It seems almost to be cyclical, coming back every few days, and we're all getting tired of it, quite honestly.

I don't know why it's important for Connor to suffer pain in the midst of paralysis. I don't know how it's supposed to work together for good. I just keep reminding myself that it's supposed to. God knows what He's doing.

Eric

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Day 599 - February 4 - "Station 51, Station 51"

This morning as I was reading my Bible, Cherié bolted out of bed, urgently whispering "We've got a house fire! Something's burning!" In my usual dull way, I sniffed the air and couldn't smell anything, but we got up and started doing that "wander around with your nose in the air" thing. I checked the coffee pot - nothing. I still couldn't smell anything, but when we opened the door and snuck into Connor's room (it was about 0530), she was right - NOW I could smell it too - burning plastic. All the senses slammed into overdrive and we started scrambling around, trying to locate the source. As Cherié checked the life support equipment in the corner, I moved to check the fan next to the window, and soon discovered it was coming from outside. I went out front to check the house, and could clearly see a cloud of smoke rising from a few blocks away, lit intermittently with flashing red and blue lights. Sadly, my first thought was "whew, it's not us", followed quickly by the recognition that somebody else was suffering, and a quick prayer before I went back inside and told Cherié. Thankful that it wasn't our house, we went back outside, and that's when we realized we hadn't heard any sirens. Cherié, having been a firefighter before, looked at the smoke and declared "There's no suppression - where's the fire department?" She can tell stuff like that from looking at the smoke, but she was right - it didn't look like the FD was on scene yet, which was odd because A) it seemed like there were police at the scene (because of the flashing lights), and you'd think they would have called it in; and B) there's a fire station about a block from the fire's location.

When we did hear the fire sirens a few minutes later, they were coming from farther away and the other direction than the fire house, which I guess means that "our" station was out on another call somewhere and a different station had to respond to this one. But I can imagine the frustration of the people who own the burning property as they waited for the intervention necessary to deal with their crisis.

Here's the weird thing - we never went in and called 911. We made a bunch of assumptions, but we had no way of knowing if those assumptions were true - "the police are already there"; "somebody else must have called it in already"; and because of those assumptions we never contacted the people set in place just for situations like theirs. We left them to their fate on some strange thought of "somebody else is doing it so we don't have to". No, we didn't put it into words like that - but that's the end result. Pretty pathetic, isn't it? To not act, and then to try to justify my inaction by saying "well, I prayed for them" is a sad testimony to my state of spiritual maturity.

Connor and Cherié had a better day of it yesterday, and last night seemed to go pretty good as well. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers - not just for our day-to-day existence, but especially for your continued prayer and belief that God can, and will, intervene and restore the boy to full health. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. Please believe that, and wait with us to see God glorify Himself.

E.

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Day 597 - February 2 - More

Well, the last two nights have again been full of pain and discomfort. More of the same. It just doesn't seem right that people who are paralyzed should also have to hurt. We've managed to get through the night again, but Cherié and the boy are about at the ends of their respective ropes, at least from my perspective. Again, please be praying for them during this time.

Just for a second, I'd like to write about one of the most often-cited verses in the Bible. As soon as I mention it you'll recognize it, and I read it again today as I was reading through Psalm 46. It's verse 10, but I want to start in verse 8 for you -

8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.

Y'all remember that, don't you?

Not if you're like me - I mean, those verses are chock full of God's devastation, and how He brings desolation onto the earth. What's that got to do with me? And you might be tempted to say "Hey, He makes wars cease!", which is, I suppose, a good thing, but I would ask you to call that image to your mind - the broken battlefield after the war - shattered weapons laying amidst the mangled dead; vultures circling patiently through the bitter haze that hangs over the field as smoke from the burned wreckage of war and its machines rises blackly into the sky. Not a particularly pretty picture, is it? But that's the image that's written here. And then the next verse, verse 10 gets dropped into your lap -

10 "Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"

The verse that is arguably cited most by believers everywhere about taking time to be quiet and contemplate God and His ways is in the context of devastation.

When life, from your perspective, is destroyed, or even just damaged a little bit - that's the time to be still. When your day is not going as you'd like, that's the time to be still. Not when things are cruising along all peachy-keen - but when nothing's left, when you find no hope, no joy, no happiness.

Be still. Know that He is God. He will be exalted.

He promised.

E.

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