Day 594 - January 30 - Facebook

Yesterday Connor had a doctor's appointment in San Jose, which overall went well. As a result of the appointment, the boy will need to go in next month for a CT Scan and some other tests, all of which will require that he be out of his chair. As we get closer we'll remind everyone, but please be praying that these things will go well - the tendency of the technicians is to subconsciously blame the patient if they have to work harder, and getting Connor out of his chair for these tests will be hard work indeed. It all tends to create an environment that you don't want to face, so please be praying that the techs will be helpful and gracious when it comes time for us to go.

Anyway, while he and Cherié were waiting in the waiting room (hence its name, I guess) yesterday, they met a man with a C6/C7 injury - a man who is 10-years post-injury, who also had a swimming accident, and who also has red hair. He has the use of his arms for the most part, and he, his mother and Connor had a few minutes alone to chat while Cherié spoke with the nurses. She came back to find that Connor had given this gentleman his phone number, his facebook name, and the ConnorWatch info so they could stay in contact. He felt that there were ways they could help each other and he reached out to them, even in the midst of a situation where he admitted being envious of the man for being able to use his arms. He still reached out to them! Some days I'm so proud of my son.

So this morning, I find his Facebook status, which reads -

you know your life sucks when you envy paraplegics... [Oh Lord, give me the strength both spiritually and physically to do the work you have called me to do.]

Have I mentioned that some days I'm so proud of him?

E.

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Day 592 - January 28 - Many Thanks

Yesterday was a marked improvement for Connor - although he was not pain-free, things were a lot better for him and he felt well enough to take me and Cherié out to dinner at a little local sushi place that he loves. He's such a giver and delights so much in doing things like that, and we did have a very nice time there with him. The folks there have been so accommodating with getting us a table and making sure everything's right for him that he's just fallen in love with the place.

He has seemed to have an easier night of it overnight as well, so I do want to thank you for your prayers for him. If God would hear your cries for the boy's healing like He heard and answered these for his comfort, what a celebration we'd be having.

Alas, His ways are not my ways.

I've sat here for the last few minutes contemplating that last sentence - it sort of slapped me as I wrote it. I meant it in the sense that He does things differently than I would in His place, sort of an "if I were king for a day" kind of statement. But as I read it, I saw more of an indictment of my not-very-much-like-Christ-ness instead. Because it's pretty clear to me that my ways are not very much His ways, either, and oughtn't I, if I want to be more like Christ, actually be more like Christ? Just a thought...

But I don't think it means that I have to think and do everything exactly the same as Christ would - I think the old WWJD question is designed to make us think about Christ's response before we act, not make us tiny automatons that only mouth Christ's words. Rote and blind attempts to mimic Him aren't what He's looking for, but rather a heart that functions like His toward this earth and the people on it.

So there's a prayer request for you. And by "for you", I mean not just "for you", but also "for you". My heart isn't the only one Christ wants like His. My prayer is that you would become conformed to His image as you continue to lift the boy up.

God bless y'all,

E.

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Day 590 - January 26 - More and more pain

Why is it that as soon as we seem to get a toehold on this existence, Connor gets to deal with another misery?

Connor has spent the last 36 hours or so in a great deal of pain - neck, shoulders, and torso - that keep him from sleeping, keep him from resting, keep him from being able to do or pay attention to anything other than how much it hurts. And once again, nothing we do - prayer, pain medication, massage, even sleeping pills - seem to help him much. Cherié, as usual, has borne the brunt of it. She was up nearly constantly Sunday night, and a lot (but not as often) on Monday night, trying to help him find some level of comfort so he can sleep. How can we manage this?

I've had friends tell me this is our "new normal", and we should just accept it. I'm sorry, but there's only one response to that, and it's not for polite company. And that's the one good thing about his pain - it forces me back to God for relief. It never lets us grow comfortable. Exhausted? Yes. Exasperated? Yes. Comfortable? Not so much.

God, please heal my boy, and save us. Let this pain of his be a sign of You working his healing. Let it be the precursor to his restoration. Let this suffering be the next step to his first step. Make it worth it, Lord.

E.

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Day 588 - January 24 - Encouragement from afar

OK, it's not "afar", but this week I received a note from the brother of Jacob Kirkendall over on the coast. For those who might have missed it, Jacob was struck down by a power line last year near the beach, and his father and brother are telling his story in a fashion similar to the way Connor's is being told here. I often find insight and encouragement in this journey of ours by following Jacob's, as these two men have hearts after God and are walking the same kind of road I'm walking. You can see Jacob's story by clicking here...

Anyway, Jacob's brother Robbie dropped me an email the other day - he had tried to respond to an earlier post of mine but without success, so he wrote me directly to share his thoughts. I think they have so much value that I want you to be able to read them too, so (with Robbie's permission) I'm reprinting them here (the link in the paragraph was inserted by me) -

Eric:

I really appreciate this post by you. Whenever I have expressed these feelings, I always receive feedback by people that are astounded that I would feel that way; after all, my brother Jacob is alive, God spared his life... don't I have a lot to be grateful for? Shouldn't I stop questioning, doubting, mourning, and find joy and peace and worship God? I have come to find that joy is much much different than happiness, worship is so much more than singing happy songs, and that it all comes down to making a choice. What people do not seem to get is that the burden and grief is no longer from the potential loss of my brother, but from the continuing present hardship. This hardship takes the form of watching Jacob struggle internally, watching myself struggle internally, and not feeling God anywhere. A big question for me is: "OK, what's next?" Am I really going to live with more crap like this happening all around me, every day? That is depressing. That is aching. People talk a lot about trusting in God when life is tough. It seems easy enough, because it is usually defined by just changing your attitude. I agree with you, that this does not seem to be the extent of it. Faith is not just a mental decision; it is somehow acted out every moment of every day, in the little ways and the big ways that you act. But, people don't often talk about how you trust God when you don't trust him. How do I hold on when I have no faith? How is God there for me when I am spiritually destitute? When I feel emptied of any Spirit? People tend to define “The Holy Spirit" in terms of how they think God makes them feel. Again, I think it is so much more than that.

I was so pleased and encouraged to find such a kindred spirit along the same path that I immediately wrote back asking if I could post it here (which also explains why it's been four days since the last post on the blog...)! What I didn't do, however, is answer back to him with my thoughts about what he said. I saved that for here. Hopefully, he'll read this along with y'all...

My thoughts about what Robbie wrote center on the questions he asks at the end - the "how to" questions about trusting God when you don't trust Him. You see, I went (or am going) through this same process, and some very close friends and the people in the CW Community taught me the answer to these questions, and so I want to share them, not only with Robbie, but with each of you as well.

I'll refer you to a passage of Scripture (no surprise, there) in Exodus 17. In verses 8-13, the Israelites are fighting the Amalekites, and while Joshua is down in the valley waging war, Moses is up on the hillside. His job is to hold up the Staff of God - as long as he holds up his hands, the Israelites win, but as soon as he lowers them, BLAMMO! - the Amalekites start kicking some Israeli butt. Moses' brother and a friend figure this out and get him a rock to sit on so they can hold up Moses' arms when he's too tired to do it himself, and the victory is won.

There are so many parallels in this story - to comment on all of them is the work of weeks. The one point I wish to make for Robbie, and for me, and for each of you, is that the answer to Robbie's questions lies in community. When I despaired of my son's life, my friends lifted my arms for me. When I was within a breath of rebuking the Holy Spirit and rejecting my God, my friends lifted my arms. When I can find no faith to believe, my friends believe for me until I can get my footing back under me and continue this tortuous walk we walk. It's how God designed us to walk and live and breathe.

I suspect Robbie knows this. I suspect you do, too. But it doesn't hurt to be reminded of it once in a while.

And I suspect Jacob's family, like mine, never conceived that this act of having our arms of faith held aloft by a community of believers would, or even could, last for months and years. It seems so like a one time thing, and yet, for Aaron and Hur, that afternoon holding Moses' arms up stretched out indefinitely. So it is with this journey - our brothers and sisters literally take the weight of the load that this task places on us, and we take another step.

And we praise the Lord for those willing to help bear the burden. Amen and amen.

E.

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Day 584 - January 20 - A Skipping Record...record...record.

My son's Facebook status from yesterday - "My life is like a skipping record..."

For those of you who can remember what a record is, this was a poignant glimpse into how Connor is seeing his existence right now. Each day the same. The routine seldom changes. A 19-year-old man trapped in a body that will not respond. Sometimes the horror of that thought slips away in the daily drudgery, but it always leaps back with full force.

I'm inclined to start listing the statements from Scripture that don't feel like they're true, but A) the only thing it would do is depress us, and B) I don't have that much time. And C), I still believe that they're true, even though it doesn't feel like it. I believe God is close to the brokenhearted, even though I can't sense Him here. I believe that He encamps around those who fear Him and delivers them, even though we wait to be delivered. I believe that as we seek Him, He will answer and deliver us from all our fears.

But Connor still faces each day. So pray for him - pray for his healing. Pray for hope. Pray for joy. Pray for motivation to try new things, to learn new things. Pray for strength and courage to break away from the comfortable.

Pray for each other as well, that God will hear the prayers of His saints and stretch out His hand. I know that you grow tired of praying without visible results. I know that the routine of life presses in, and other things take priority, and I understand. But I also understand that the amazement and rejoicing and glory to God will be that much more incredible when the time does come, and I don't want you to miss that. I know that it's not necessary to have a large bunch of people praying - one righteous man's effective, fervent prayer, heard by God, is as effective as many. But, as human as we are, we draw encouragement from your support and presence here.

Thanks for being here with us.

E.

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Day 581 - January 17 - BBVD

Just a short note to keep you updated on things here at the Williamson house - it's been a little while and y'all are probably wondering what's up with Connor...

He has had his ups and downs this week, for certain. The last few days have been pretty stable, after a couple of days of significant pain kept him (all of us, really) awake, tired, grouchy and hurting. Fortunately that passed and the last few days and nights have gone easier. One of Connor's Christmas gifts this year was tickets to see Big Bad Voodoo Daddy in concert, so last night the three of us, along with Connor's friend Lexi, piled into the van and drove up to Campbell for dinner and the show.

The evening started with having to face, yet again, the perpetual hassle of having someone on wheels instead of on feet. You'd think that was an easy thing, but it's not. We got out the door a bit behind schedule (oops - Dad forgot the tickets and had to go back for them), and then when we got to the one restaurant in Campbell that we've all been to before (and thus know that Connor's wheelchair will fit inside, be able to maneuver between tables, be able to turn the corners inside the building, etc.), there's a line outside the door waiting for tables. And every handicapped parking space is full. So off we go, looking for somewhere else to eat, trying to evaluate from the vehicle whether we think we can get inside, whether there's access - all the things we used to take for granted but now don't get to anymore. We finally found a pizza place that we thought we could take a chance on, and even though it was a bit of a struggle because of bumpy door jambs, narrow corridors and tightly spaced tables, we managed to get in and situated. I'm not sure the folks next to us at the concert appreciated our food choices, but we had a good time and still managed to get to the theater on time.

If you haven't ever heard Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, go to their website above and you'll see that they're a very popular swing band, playing swing, blues, jazz and big band. Horns, drums, a string bass and piano, all led by strong vocals and everybody in zoot suits make for a great time and great music. Their latest work is a tribute to Cab Calloway, and the four of us had an amazing time listening to their older, familiar stuff as well as songs we'd never heard. If you want to expand your music repertoire, BBVD is a good direction to go!

Please continue to pray for Connor's health. Some things have been changing and we're finding that we're having to increase the levels of some of his medications. I'd really rather be decreasing them, not giving him more, so I'd ask you to pray more consistently for healing for the boy, and that God would protect his health as we wait on Him.

Thanks for staying faithful with us,

E.

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Day 578 - January 14 - Roller Coastering

Do you like to ride roller coasters? All the ups and downs and twists and turns make for an exciting ride for anyone willing to get into the seat. I wrote a long, long time ago (Day 3, I think) about how this situation was like being on a roller coaster, and it still is. But I was talking with my mom about it the other day and I realized something I've known for a long time about roller coasters, so I wanted to share it with you.

It started with the points raised by one of our readers in response to the last post, "Daniel 10". A sister chided me a bit about the fact that in one breath I claim the promises of Christ and yet I also write about doubting and fear. I believe all that she wrote is true - I am that way, and I'm not supposed to be. I would much rather be completely confident in my God's provision than this up and down stuff I usually do - it's probably the thing I hate the most about who I am. But it's still who I am, and so I write my experience.

So anyway, it dawns on me that people ride roller coasters in different ways. Some people ride them with grins of delight on their faces, waving their arms in the air as they swoop and plummet, while others grip the safety bar with white-knuckled fingers. At the end of the ride, one group shouts "let's go again!" while the other heads off to less insane endeavors.

What's the difference? Well, think about what a roller coaster is - it's intended to put you in all sorts of life-threatening situations, for the purpose of forcing your adrenaline to rush, without actually putting you in danger. In other words, it a machine that's designed to make you think you're about to die without actually killing you. Which, if you think about it, offers a strange commentary on the human condition. But that's a different blog.

If you asked the arm-wavers why they do that, they'd tell you "it's more fun" or "it increases the thrill". Basically, though, the truth is that underneath that, they believe that the park and the manufacturer of the roller coaster have performed their functions correctly and that, even though it seems as if it's dangerous, the design and function of the machine are such as to present no significant risk. So they celebrate in the face of apparent danger. Meanwhile, the white-knucklers aren't quite so confident - they've seen the news reports of equipment malfunctions; they know that nobody's perfect; they acknowledge the existence of such things as metal fatigue. Or, maybe they're just scared - I don't really know. But in the end it comes down to whether they trust the thing or not.

"Ah," you're thinking, "I see where he's going! He's talking about whether he trusts the Designer of this ride or not!" Well, sort of. More than that, I would observe that even the white-knuckler types still got on the ride. So at some level, they trust the manufacturer and the park to do what they're supposed to do. Like it or not, all of us are on this ride we call life, and we're trying to sort out how to respond to the Maker of it all. Right now, my roller coaster car is plummeting earthward at 100 mph, forcing every instinct in my body to respond as if I was freefalling off a cliff without a parachute. Even though I can see that the tracks are underneath me and that my brain knows that they curve upward just before we hit the ground, my instinctive brain doesn't feel that way. And that's why I can look at a roller coaster and say "Well, if it's been designed correctly, of course it's safe" but then still want to scream like a little girl when I'm actually on the thing.

But the point I want to make, apart from that, is that regardless of how insane the ride gets, it was my Dad who made the roller coaster. He pushes the buttons and pulls the levers that make it go. And I'm His precious child. So as I learn to know Him better, I can learn to take my white knuckles off the safety bar and enjoy this ride He's made for me. I can learn to revel in the wildness of it, knowing that it's completely safe. And I can learn that neither swinging my arms in the air nor gripping the bar makes any difference in whether the ride's safe or not. If the car were to come off the ride, it wouldn't matter whether I was gripping or waving, would it?

But we know that this car doesn't come off the track, because we know the Designer.

So, sister, I would say that there are times on this ride when I put my hands up in the air, grinning like a fool as I trust the Maker of the ride. And there are times when I grip the bars in a deathgrip, even though I know the reality. But thanks for the encouragement to let go of the bar more often.

Oh, one more thing - at the end of this ride, I want off. I'm ready for some refreshments.

E.

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Day 576 - January 12 - Daniel 10

The thought of writing on this subject originally came to me over a year ago, and the fact that the first title of this post was "Day 179" and was saved on December 10, 2008, tells you that it's been fermenting in my brain for a bit! I've come back to it now and again, but it never gelled the right way. So, having been referred to the passage again this week, I'm trying again...

Waiting. It seems we do a lot of that right now. It seems that's all we do; day in, day out, no matter the routine, we wait. I guess it's not entirely true - waiting isn't all we do. We also doubt, and pray, and cry, and question, and wonder where God is, and hope, and console each other, and try to be encouraged, and - well, you get the idea. It's been 576 days since our cry first went up to God for Connor's healing, and here we are, waiting.

Some people say that we should just accept our fate and deal with it. Their implication is that Connor will never be well again until Jesus returns.

Other people say that they personally are convinced by God - that they know - that they're going to see Connor walk, and run, and leap, again in this lifetime.

And in the middle of it is me, who has not been given any certainty about it, either way. It seems that I'm to be given the task of trusting God's word about this for an indefinable period of time. A period of time that, I can tell you, is a minimum of 576 days long, and which (if I believe the first group) will stretch months and years into the future, or (if I believe the second group) can end today.

Now, I can't explain any of God's reasons for working this work. All I know is that it's a good plan, since according to Psalm 25:10, "All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness". So what does it mean that we continue to wait?

Well, I'm convinced that God has some special purpose for Connor for which this time and situation are critical. I'm also convinced that His plan meets with disapproval from a certain common enemy, if you get my drift. Allow me to tell you a story -

Back in the day, the prophet Daniel was mourning, fasting and praying for three weeks. This story is told in Daniel 10, BTW. At the end of those three weeks, he was taking a walk by the Tigris river when a vision came on him (interestingly, the vision didn't appear to the people with Daniel - they were filled with a sense of dread and ran away, so they didn't see it). In the vision, an angel appeared to Daniel and said a very interesting thing. In Daniel 10:12-14, the angel tells Daniel that from the first day he began to pray, God heard him, and sent this angel to Daniel. But then he tells Daniel that he (the angel) was delayed by "the princes of Persia" for 21 days, until Michael the archangel came along and cleared the way for this other angel to make it to Daniel to convey his message.

So, if I've got this straight...

1 - Daniel starts praying and fasting.
2 - God hears Daniel's prayers immediately.
3 - God immediately dispatches an angel to take a message to Daniel in response to his prayer.
4 - A spiritual delaying tactic is employed against the angel by "the princes of Persia", which I take it means satanic forces in this context.
5 - After 21 days, the archangel Michael show up to help get the messenger past the enemy and to his objective.
6 - The angelic messenger arrives and delivers his message.

So, two things - first, there are greater things going on around us than we can see, sense, or even imagine. And second, what was Daniel thinking on day 20? Was he wondering if God even heard him? Was he oh-so-patiently waiting for God's response? Did he doubt how effective his prayer and fasting was?

I don't know. I know I've thought all those things, and more, over the last 576 days. But it turned out that God not only heard on Day 1, He answered on Day 1. Daniel was just waiting to see something that had already happened. He was waiting to receive a gift that had already been given. He was trusting that he had received a word from God 21 days ago.

Which reminds me of a different passage -

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you've received it, and it will be yours."
- Jesus, Mark 11:24.

Keep believing. Keep praying. He WILL answer.

E.

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Day 574 - January 10 - Another

Well, another SCI victim has been brought to my attention. A young lady in Washington was in a car accident and now finds herself in a situation similar to Connor's.

Her story can be found here.

I'll copy this over to the "Opportunities to Serve" category in the Forum. If anybody out there finds a way to contact this family, please post it to the Forum page. Be praying for this family.

EDITED AT 2:45 PM TO ADD THIS WEBSITE -

Here's a link to Richelle's CaringBridge page -

www.caringbridge.org/visit/richelleheacock

E.

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Day 572 - January 8 - Pain-emy

Remember the other day when I wrote about partaking at a table prepared in the presence of enemies? Well, how do you effectively focus on the Setter of the table when one of the enemies is pain?

More accurately, how do you help someone else do that? The boy has been in a bunch of pain - neck, shoulders, back - for the last two days, and I know it's hard to see God's blessings when persistent pain makes itself known. So I'd ask you to be praying for him in that regard.

One of the things that helps him take his mind off his hurting neck is the new dog, HalfTrak. Connor has such a big smile on his face a lot of the time as he watches the pooch play. Tank has already grown accustomed to having another dog around, although I must admit that the cats are a bit more circumspect about the whole prospect! Still, they've started making appearances downstairs again instead of hiding up in the storage room, so I suspect they'll be back to bossing everyone around here in a few days.

Until then, remember today as you pray that God answers prayers. And despite the fact that it's been over 18 months since that day on the beach, we remain convinced that God has not told us "no". Continue to pray for Connor's full restoration with us, and trust God to answer.

We love y'all,

E.

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Day 570 - January 6 - A Table Prepared

This morning I was meditating, if you can imagine that, on Psalm 23. Not that you'd have trouble imagining the "Psalm 23" part; but I don't usually come across as "meditative", if you get my drift. But that's the best description of what I was doing - pondering the words of the Psalm to grasp a bit of their intended meaning.

I'm sure most, if not all, of you could recite this most famous Psalm by heart, but it often surprises me the new meaning to be found in it each time I think on it. But sometimes the intent of a word or phrase slips by us in our familiarity. You know what I mean - "TheLordismyShepherdIshallnotwant" goes by so fast that we don't stop and ponder what it means that the Lord is my shepherd. Or that He's my Shepherd. We go by these thing so fast it's like when we were kids on a summer evening. Dinner was always at 5:30 when Dad got home from work, and in El Paso where I grew up, that meant another 4-5 hours of daylight after we ate. So we would bolt our food as quickly as we could get away with, all so we could get down to play - we were so focused on getting past dinner and the clean-up so we could get back out with our friends. And I think that we mostly missed, and didn't appreciate, the time, effort, and skill it took to prepare that table for the family every evening. I know that I rarely acknowledged the work my Mom put into it.

So we scramble past the meaning of these words like a child, eager to go play, misses the opportunity to savor the meal his mother has prepared, and the company of a family that loves him, and the camaraderie of close blood - just because "Hide and Seek" seems more attractive than dinner with his little brother.

Today, I caught the first part of verse 5 - "You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies". And I stopped. Why a table? Why in the midst of enemies? Well, the "enemies" bit is pretty self-explanatory - we exist surrounded by peril and disaster and predators, wrapped up in pain and heartache and sorrow. There are some who face more persistent foes, being persecuted for their faith, being hated because of their race - but all face these common enemies. So why prepare a table? Well, I found it interesting that it doesn't say "God feeds me" or "God provides for me" in the presence of my enemies - it says "You prepare a table". Now what do those words draw from your memory? An image of someone lovingly laying down silverware, and china, and goblets in preparation for a feast. Like Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, which you "prepare" for, not like Wednesday dinner, where you "set the table". Those words "prepare a table" imply something greater than just sustenance, something more than just eating food. Those words imply a festival or feast, something that MORE than satisfies. Something that is joyous, and overwhelmingly filling, and satisfying to such a degree that the only thing you can do afterward is loosen your belt and fall asleep in contentment.

That's how God prepares a table for you, in the middle of everything you face today. Not "despite" your trials, and troubles, and pain - "In the presence" of them.

And doesn't that also imply that He is confident that those enemies can't interrupt this feast He's prepared? So that, when you and I sit down at that table, a true grasp of this would allow us to not always be glancing over our shoulders to see if our enemies are sneaking up on us - because the Shepherd has prepared the table and expects us to trust Him about its location.

So, can you sit at that table today? I know I will have difficulty doing it, but He prepared if for me and for you. A place of sustenance, joy, celebration, and companionship, all in the very midst of all the enemies life has thrown your way. Can you sit down and partake?

Join me. And when I start to focus on the things that surround the table, do me a favor - call my attention back to Him who sits at its head.

E.

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Day 567 - January 3 - HalfTrak

Well, the Williamson clan has added another member. At this rate, we'll need to start calling it the Williamson Herd or the Williamson Pack, because yesterday we adopted another dog. This time it's an 18-month-old Beagle named (by Connor, of course) HalfTrak. For those of you who haven't kept tabs on the odd assortment of pet names in the Williamson household, the big Great Dane/Labrador mix is named Tank, and so the smaller dog needed a smaller vehicle to be named after. Apparently a Beagle is too big to be a Jeep...

Anyway, Connor's been wanting a small dog for a year, one that can hop up in his lap and curl up, and who will bond with him, so we're giving it a try. Hopefully this will bring him a lot of joy as HalfTrak acclimatizes to the family.

After all, this smile is worth a lot of housebreaking...

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