Day 612 - February 17 - Am I a Dead Man?

First, let me say what a pleasure it has been having Cherié back home. Her absence always highlights how hard she works while she's here, but even more, she's a vital part of the family and we're glad she's home. Connor has had a couple of really good days, which are welcome relief from a few of the days we had over the weekend. He remains healthy, but it remains true that we see little progress in a return of function. It seems that God's idea of timing and my idea of timing are off again. Surprise, surprise!

I was thinking this morning about living in the power of the Holy Spirit, and I wonder if I'm doing it wrong. You see, my existence is quite simply, a struggle to get through each day. While it's different than it was in June 2008, it still seems that God does not communicate with me at all; I can find no sense of God's purpose or will in my life, nor am I brimming with the "peace that passes understanding". The only difference I can discern between those days of panicked chaos two summers ago and today is that then, I desperately prayed and hoped for healing and intervention, and now, I have a quiet confidence that my son will be restored. Is that just a sign that I've gotten too tired to worry about it anymore? Or is it truly the Holy Spirit working in me? How do I tell?

You see, Paul tells us "it is no longer I who lives, but Christ lives in me". Well, if I no longer live, then I'm a dead man, right? A dead man, we call a corpse. You view "the remains" at a funeral. It's all that's left after a man dies. It's not the main part, it's the leftovers, and it's not going to stick around long. It is no longer animated, but rather just the shell that the person used to live in. Well, what Paul is saying is that if I've been crucified with Christ, then I'm a corpse that has been reanimated by Christ - sort of a spiritual zombie, if you will. But not one of those shambling creatures from the horror flicks; rather, since the Holy Spirit is doing the indwelling, a better living man than before, right?

What does that feel like? What is it to be a third party to your own existence? For if I'm dead, then at some level I am an observer to what goes on in and through this body. You see, many times the only descriptive words I have for what it feels like to be "me" is "a shell, empty except when it's filled with pain". And yet, many tell me that these words I pen encourage and challenge them, and I usually respond with something like "Thank you, it pleases me that something I've done has helped you - but it's not me." Remember, I'm just an ATC line grunt - I've got no dispensation from on high, I've got no special education, I've got no fancy diplomas - I'm just a man with a hurting son. So anything good that comes from this isn't from me.

All that being said, how does a corpse tell if he's dead and reanimated? Is that the only way to tell - by the reflected impact his existence has on others? Can he tell the difference between him being alive and him being dead but having someone else live in him? Does it feel different? I wonder - is it really possible to know if Christ is living in you, if you spend every moment of every day trying to just take the next step? If it's truly no longer I who live, but Christ living in me, shouldn't my strength be "the joy of the Lord"? And if so, shouldn't that somehow be joyful?

I'm sorry, I seem to be good at asking questions but not so good at answering them. Maybe y'all have some insight into this.

In the meantime, thank you so much for being here with us. You folks are such an encouragement and blessing to me and my family.

God bless,

Eric

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