Day 564 - December 31 - Out with the old...

Wow. This is my absolute favorite part of this website - the interaction and contributions that sometimes arise following something God allows me to post. I LOVE the discourse and thought that goes into all these comments, and adore it when I check the site and see "14 comments" at the bottom of a post instead of "0 comments". That's why it's always annoyed me just a bit when I hear "well, I thought about writing something but (insert 'lame reason for not doing so' here)..." Every single one of you is more than capable of being used by God to provide just that bit of insight or perspective that will be the thing I, or somebody else, needed to hear. So please don't hold back when you feel prompted to comment - it overjoys my heart to read what other people are thinking, especially about such difficult topics as the last post!

So "thank you" for those who posted over the last few days - for the book recommendations, for the reminders of Scripture, for the encouragement, and yes, even for the challenging questions and statements. I will be looking up the books, checking the verses, and using the questions and comments to check my compass bearings on my own journey after Christ, so seriously - thank you.

So today is the last day of 2009. Normally, New Years is a time when everyone looks forward at what they're going to do next year, but I'm thinking that this year, I'm going to do something that has more value. You see, if you're like me, most of your New Year's Resolutions (if you even make them) get dropped sometime around January 15, if you even make it that long. That's my usual experience with resolutions. The only person of whom I'm aware that has actually kept one is my daughter, Joélle, who decided in 2008 that she wasn't going to drink soda all year, and even in the midst of living in a hospital waiting room for four months she never broke down. Other than her, however, most folks I know don't really take their resolutions seriously, and that includes me. So forget 'em - instead, I'm gonna take a cue from Paul. He wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:11 about putting away childish things, and in 2 Corinthians 5 about how the old things have passed away, and the new has come. I've decided that rather than just make another promise to myself that I'm not going to keep anyway, I'm just quit doing something I usually do instead. I'm going to quit being a philosopher about Christ, and try to be a believer in Him instead.

Because if you're a follower of Jesus Christ, you're more than a student, someone who learns about God; and you're more than a philosopher, somebody who thinks about Him - you're a believer. And it's the object of your faith that makes all the difference, or at least should. Too often I find myself thinking about how it's supposed to work, or trying to figure out what I'm missing that's keeping things from moving - and apart from the incredible hubris in that sentence, I'm also completely missing the point of my walk with Christ - that my relationship with Him ought to give me so much confidence in Him that I'm not shaken by things that enter my life. Now, obviously, I'm not there. But the experiences in my life ought to be moving me there.

So, I'm gonna quit thinking about Him so much, and try to start trusting Him more instead. We'll see if it lasts longer than January 15!

Connor continues to struggle with pain and discomfort in his body. You're prayers are greatly appreciated. He and Cherié have made some changes to the daily routine this week to see if that makes life any easier, and so far things look good. Continue to pray for them as they face each day.

E.

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Day 561 - December 28 - Feeling Cheated by God

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

And yet I feel left, abandoned, forsaken.

"The Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and are saved."

And yet I feel like I've run to the tower only to find the door barred against me, and now I'm banging on the door to be let in while the darkness looms up behind my back.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

And yet I have come to Him, repeatedly, for 561 days, and there has been no rest. No respite. No relief from the wearisome burden.

I know people who have done this sort of thing for much, much longer than I, and amazingly, they aren't insane. In fact, they are much more confident in God and His provision than I am. Frankly, I don't know how they did it. I feel that I am losing confidence in my God each day. I feel like He is failing me and my family. I can read the Bible, and I can see that it tells me otherwise, but shouldn't God's manifestation of provision in someone's life actually be IN their life? Shouldn't God being here with me mean that's He's actually here, and not that I have to remind myself every minute or so that God is here even though I can't tell He's here? It seems like God ought to be more than that...

"Arbeit macht frei".

That's German for "Work makes you free", and it was written over the gates of many Nazi concentration camps during WW2. Apparently, if you were a Jewish prisoner, you were expected to adopt that attitude and then you would view your imprisonment, torture, starvation and death, and that of your family, with a better understanding of your fate.

Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. No amount of attitudinal change could make the situation inside the concentration camps acceptable. But that's often how I feel about being constantly encouraged to believe that God is working Connor's situation for good - how can this possibly be good?

Even as I sit and write this, I cringe a bit - you're not supposed to voice doubts and concerns about God like this, are you? Well, the only answer I have to that (and since you're reading this, it's apparently good enough an answer for me) is "Either God is truly God, and can handle my questions, or He's not, in which case it doesn't matter."

Basically, it boils down to whether I believe there's a God or not, and whether I believe that the Bible speaks truly about Him despite what it feels like. Day after day, I speak the words "Where are You, God?" without an answer. I've done it so long I forget to wait for an answer. So this morning, as I open my Bible to read, I pray "Lord, speak to me in Your word today. Let me hear what it is You want me to hear." Then I open up the book to the place I'm reading today, Psalm 14.

Verse 1 says this - "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God'".

OK, OK, I hear You.

Would it be OK if we could feel the truth of Your word now and again? Please?

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Day 558 - December 25 - Christmas

From all of us here - Connor, Joélle and Alan, Cherié and I, and the rest of the ConnorWatch crew - may this day remind you of the greatest gift ever given; Jesus in the flesh to bring you to God. Enjoy your presents, savor the food, cherish your family, and praise your God.

We love you all.

Merry Christmas!

E.

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Day 556 - December 23 - Thank You

Briefly, I think it's important to acknowledge all of you who have taken the time to drop a Christmas card to Connor and our family this season - it's been very pleasant to find the mailbox full of envelopes that don't have bills in them! Seriously, we have been touched and pleased to hear from so many of you about your prayers and care for Connor and for us, and we really want you to know how much it means to us.

Additionally, some of you have been overwhelmingly generous, and these gifts to our son and our family do not go unnoticed. We've been placing the gifts y'all have sent under our Christmas tree, and let's just say that it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Finally, we have so enjoyed the visits from those of you nearby who have taken the time to come see Connor and the fam. I know it can be a royal pain in the neck to coordinate a visit during those times when all is stable and we're not busy with the next thing, but we've really enjoyed these few moments with people who care about us.

So thank you, each of you, not only for your care, but for your gracious expressions of it toward us.

God bless y'all,

E.

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Day 553 - December 20 - I'm ba-ack!

Well, I've made it safely to Atlanta and back, having spent a week rubbing elbows with the FAA bigwigs, seeing some old friends, making some new ones, and solidifying friendships with some of the guys at work. I managed to get out of Atlanta on Friday after only an hour's delay, and rolled up to the house just nineteen and a half hours after I climbed out of bed that morning.

I came home to what has been a tough week for Cherié, Connor and Granny. Connor's shoulders and neck are still paining him, and Cherié has hurt her back so that she can hardly stand or move, yet still was having to do all of the daily tasks involved with caring for the boy. They got through because they had to, but it's telling on them. Hopefully Cherié will be able to rest long enough to get her back in shape again now that I'm home.

Granny was supposed to be traveling back to Spokane today, but has decided to stay until Friday because of Cherié's back.

It wasn't all misery for them last week, though - Connor and his friend Josh managed to get out a couple of days to do some Christmas shopping, and yesterday all of us watched our friend Toma dance in the San Jose Youth Ballet's performance of the Nutcracker. She danced the Spanish Dance (among others) and was decidedly our favorite! Way to go, Toma!

Please remember Connor and Cherié this week - I know it's Christmas week and you've got much to do, but your prayers are greatly coveted. Thanks for staying with us.

E.

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Day 545 - December 12 - Christmas comes

Cherié and I were just talking about Christmas coming. This is going to be our first year without Joélle here, and that means it's going to be a harder Christmas than years past. Not to mention that our situation makes it harder still, and we're already feeling the stress of "how do we make this work?" As we spoke, it dawned on me that there are so many folks who love and cherish the boy, and perhaps some of you might be feeling like helping out. So, on the off chance that someone out there might be wondering, I decided to post up and ask -

If you are interested in making Connor's Christmas more hopeful and cheery, and would like to send him something, here's our mailing address:

Connor Williamson
16790 Ranger Court
Morgan Hill CA 95037-3827

No expectations, just a thought that maybe someone might be interested.

Thank you for thinking of the boy.

E.

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Day 545 - December 12 - 1:05 AM

Another night of sleeplessness. It's now after one o'clock in the morning and Connor is wrestling with pain, anxiety, and stress. If you're reading this and it's still Friday night in California, would you please lift Connor up right now? Pray that he would be able to relax against the pain, and that God would bring peace and calm to him in the midst of this night. Pray that his pain would lessen. Pray that he would be able to sleep. Pray that Cherié and I will be patient and loving in the midst of it.

Thanks,

E.

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Day 544 - December 11 - Briefly

Just a short note this morning to ask for some specific prayer. First, for Connor - his neck and shoulder continue to pain him, and it's getting so that we cannot move him without causing him pain. Please pray for his relief, and that he would get back feeling other than pain.

Also, please pray for us as we continue to try to endure. We can't do this of our own strength, that's for certain. The prospect is devastating to me.

And a final prayer request - more of a set of requests, I guess...

Granny P., Cherié's mother, is flying in from Spokane tomorrow evening for a bit over a week. It will be great to have her here again! She's going to be helping out while I fly to Atlanta next week on business. So you can see that I would like you to be praying for the three of them while I have to be away, that it would be a joyful, safe and blessed time for them, as well as for both Granny's and my travel safety.

Also, I guess I should mention that I won't have a computer, other than my iPhone, while I'm away. So new posts between Sunday 12/13 and Saturday 12/19 may be a bit scarce. If you don't see anything new, that's most likely the reason.

So, thank you for the prayer support and the faithful encouragement you all provide. We love you.

E.

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Day 542 - December 9 - Finally, some sleep

A great big "thank you" goes out to those of you who have been praying for Connor over the last day or so. Sunday and Monday nights were brutal - Connor was up all night with severe pain in his neck and left shoulder, which of course translates into one or both of us being up all night as well. Monday night in particular was extremely painful for him, and for most of the night he was calling us into his room every five to ten minutes to try and help. He was close to panic because it hurt so bad, and no positioning, medication, or massage helped. We would no sooner get him settled down a bit, walk into the living room and lie down on the floor before he would be calling us back. Needless to say, it was nightmarish, and yesterday we spent in a bit of a fog, to be honest.

Fortunately, he was able to get more comfortable last night, and so far he has been sleeping well and it's been a quiet night. Thank You, Lord!

I know your next question is probably something like "What causes him this sort of pain?", and the answer is mostly "I dunno". We do know that his shoulders give him grief; as his muscles have slackened, it becomes easier and easier for his shoulders to dislocate. This was the case this time - we were unable to reset his left shoulder until yesterday, so that was probably the cause of this incident, and I suspect his neck muscles were trying to compensate and overtaxing themselves as a result.

Welcome to our world.

Anyway, that's all the news that's fit to print for today. Please keep the boy in your prayers. We are trusting God to heal him. We continue to pray that it will be soon. Pray for us that we become the people He wants us to be.

We love y'all - thanks for sticking with us.

E.

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Day 540 - December 7 - Exercising Authority

I have had a song stuck in my head for the last day or so, a Scripture memory song my wife used to sing with her friends. It's based on the words of Jesus in Luke 10:19, and goes -

"I have given you authority
to trample on snakes and scorpions;
and to overcome all the power of the enemy."

Which is pretty much not just based on Luke 10:19, it is Luke 10:19 (which I guess is why they call them "Scripture memory songs"). The passage is part of the story of Jesus sending out 72 people to proclaim Him prior to His arrival at wherever He's going next, and it's the place where we get the passage about the harvest being plenty but the laborers being few. You can read it by clicking here, if you like.

I have two thoughts about this. First, I find it interesting that our culture is quick to dissect out the part of this story that talks about the harvest and the laborers, but not so quick to incorporate Jesus' statement in verses eight and nine where He tells these guys to heal the sick in the towns they enter. It's almost like we, as a church, love to acknowledge the authority God vests in His disciples, just as long as there doesn't have to be any visible demonstration of that authority. Jesus tells these guys to go out and enter the harvest and do visible signs of power wherever they go, and yet we don't do that - we say "well, God can do that if He wills it" instead. Which, to my way of thinking, is a bit like me telling one of my controllers to do something and having them say back to me, "you do it if you want it done".

Let's think about that for a second. Why would we want to take the responsibility part of that story without also taking the authority part? It seems to me that we want to have the "authority" but without any accountability regarding the results - in other words, as long as it looks like we're doing God's work, we're good with that. Just don't expect us to actually show you any proof of our authority.

I said I had two thoughts about it - here's the other one. I've noticed that while Jesus says to these followers "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions, and to overcome all the power of the enemy", I don't seem to be able to muster enough authority to trample on "I'm grumpy because I'm not getting my way". Sure, it's great that I have authority to walk on snakes - but I could use the authority to crush out my depression, or to actually demonstrate my love for my family instead of being so self-centered. But those things seem to be as far out of my reach as does me suddenly becoming the 'Crocodile Hunter' and playing with all sorts of venomous critters without getting stung or bitten. Crikey, mates - I don't think that's going to happen!

And that gets me to thinking about how at work, many managers don't actually exercise the authority that's been given to them. They get plowed over by the union, or their employees, either because they don't know the rules which establish their authority, or because they don't want to cause a fuss, or a myriad of other reasons, but the bottom line is that they throw away the authority the FAA has given them. Which irritates me no end at work!

But here I am, doing the same thing inside myself. Now, the usual response to the question "how can I learn to exercise my authority?" at work is "just start doing it". Yes, we train people in that, but all the training in the world won't help if you're not willing to act on it. You have to start doing, not just learning.

So these days, I'm trying to exercise my authority to trample on frustration, and on sorrow, and on hopelessness and despair. I've been given the authority to do so - to fail to do so is to reject my Master's will.

As for Connor, he is healthy and balanced and confident in God's coming healing of his body. Yesterday we went over the mountain to Allie's house (you can see her story here) for a visit, and Connor was such an encouragement to her as we visited for a little while. I was so impressed by this young man and all he seems able to handle that is so far beyond what I could manage. It was great to see him encouraging and comforting her as she tries to deal with her own situation.

Thank you for continuing to journey with us. Please be praying that God would strengthen our faith, that we would be able to remain steadfast in the face of each day, and that God would renew our strength. And of course, please help me in trusting God for Connor's full restoration. Pray that we would focus on, and see, God's provision instead of our daily situation.

Love y'all,

E.

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Day 536 - December 3 - Thursday

Well, we had great hopes for yesterday, and they were not (at least immediately) fulfilled. I have no heart to write a lengthy and weighty dissertation this morning, so I'm just going to offer you two things - the words to a song, and the words of Mr. Spurgeon.

First, the words of my father's favorite hymn, the first verse of which I grasp more deeply today than ever before -

(click here to listen to it)

I am not skilled to understand
what God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know at His right hand
stands One who is my Savior.

I take Him at His word indeed:
"Christ died for sinners"—this I read;
For in my heart I find a need
of Him to be my Savior!

That He should leave His place on high,
and come for sinful man to die,
You count it strange? So once did I
before I knew my Savior!

And, oh, that He fulfilled may see
the travail of His soul in me,
And with His work contented be,
as I with my dear Savior!

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
my strength, my solace from this spring—
That He who lives to be my King
once died to be my Savior!

And the words from Charles Spurgeon's "Daily Help" for this morning -

"Many in waiting upon the Lord find immediate delight, but this is not the case with all. A deeper sense of sin may be given to you instead of a sense of pardon, and in such a case you will have need of patience to bear the heavy blow. Ah! poor heart, though Christ beat and bruise thee, or even slay thee, trust Him; though He should give thee an angry word, believe in the love of His heart. Do not, I beseech thee, give up seeking or trusting my Master because thou hast not yet obtained the conscious joy which thou longest for. Cast thyself on him, and perseveringly depend even where thou canst not rejoicingly hope."

Please keep praying for us.

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Day 535 - December 2 - Do Not Be Afraid

Today, I'm simply asking each of you to give up a few minutes to get on your knees for Connor. That's all; to honestly take a few minutes out of the schedule to stop and lift him up for restoration. Our God is an awesome God, mighty to save. Give Him praise for the work He is doing.

Thank you. I'll leave you with the words of a Casting Crowns song that's been meaning a lot to all of us these last few days -

(listen to the song "Voice of Truth" by clicking here)

Oh, what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in, onto the crashing waves.
To step out of my comfort zone, into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is, and He's holding out His hand.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me,
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me time and time again,
"Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

Oh, what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor, wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me,
reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again,
"Boy you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground.
And the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down.
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me.

The Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

Here's the voice of truth -

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." - Jesus

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