Day 470 - September 28 - Longing

A friend posted a question on an earlier post (the "Captain Bligh" one), and I thought that it was a good enough to try and answer publicly, plus I didn't know if everyone would see it, so here it is! She asked if our situation "makes you look forward to heaven more? No more crying, no more pain, no more tears?"

There's only one very simple answer to that, and it's "yes". We're done - tired of the whole thing, ready to be finished, excited about the prospect of not having this heart agony tainting everything in our life. I think that what we feel in this situation has given us an understanding of what the Bible means when it refers to things that dry up your bones. That's this. So we feel alot like the guy who has put in 30 years with the company - he's ready to retire and take his pension. We're ready as soon as The Boss cuts us loose.

And no, I don't mean Bruce Springsteen! I meant "THE Boss", not "the Boss"...

Until then, we have a better understanding than we ever wanted of the phrase "Lord, come quickly". I KNOW that Connor will be running and leaping and praising God when we're with Christ in heaven, so that's a sure thing we look forward to. We pray to see it sooner than that, but that's sort of our "fallback position", if you will.

Connor has spent the last two nights much more restfully - your prayers have helped so much! Thank you! We also got him a different pillow to try to support his neck in a different way, and that seems to be helping too. Hopefully we've put this nightly neck pain situation behind us!

Well, I've got to get to work, so I'll cut this short. Thank you so much for your faithfulness as you travel along with us. We covet your prayers so much, and we really, really, appreciate you.

God bless you,

E.

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Day 468 - September 26 - No Better

Well, it doesn't seem that we have any impact on battling Connor's pain and saturation issues. They'll get less for a few days, but then they're right back again. Last night, and for the past few nights, Connor just can't sleep unless we give him a lot of meds to get him there. His neck will be in almost agonizing pain, where no amount of ice, massage, and readjustment of his head will help. We try stretching his muscles, we try shifting his position, and nothing helps. This morning at 0400, while we were trying to help him get even a little bit comfortable, he said "I can't do this pain every night". But nothing we do makes it better. Please be praying about this for him - we're having to give him very large doses of his medications just to get through the nights.

It's weird - during the day he's usually alright - it's just at night that he has these issues. So on top of the actual situation, we all get shorter and shorter and shorter with each other as our tiredness level rises, and that makes it even more difficult.

How long, Lord? How long?

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Day 465 - September 23 - Adrift with Captain Bligh

Everybody knows the story of the mutiny on the Bounty - Captain Bligh's tyrannical command forces Master's Mate Fletcher Christian to rebel and take the ship, sailing off to Tahiti and casting the loyal few adrift. Setting aside for a moment the questionable parts of the story (Bligh wasn't the tyrant Hollywood has painted him to be - big surprise), there's an incredible part of that story that is often overlooked. Like is often the case, truth is more amazing than fiction...

After the mutiny, Christian put Bligh and 18 of the loyal crew into a small boat called a launch. The launch was 23 feet long, and loaded with a few days' worth of food and water. Bligh (did you know he was really only a Lieutenant? His was only an acting command; he was rated Master and Commander at the time, and "Captain" was only his courtesy title) was given a sextant and a watch, but no maps or charts. The boat was so fully loaded that the gunwales were just inches above water when the Bounty sailed away and left them to their fate. The incredible part of the story is what happened next. Bligh took the demoralized remains of his crew (men who had just lost their ship and been left to die on the far side of the world; who had very little food or water; and who had no real purpose any longer, their ship and livelihood having been taken from them) and set out to survive. After losing one man to attacking natives when he landed on an island to try to obtain more food, Bligh decided it was too dangerous to risk land. So, armed with his sextant and pocket watch, he decided that the only safe place they could go was the nearest European outpost, and after 47 days, he and his remaining men arrived safely on the island of Timor, a journey of just over 3600 miles! Bligh had taken an open boat and 17 starving men on a daring voyage across half the Pacific ocean, and he did it successfully. Wow.

Now, I've been putting myself into the position of one of Bligh's crew on that voyage. Can you imagine what it would be like to be sitting in that open boat? The tropical sun is beating down on your back. There's not enough food, not enough water. There's no map. You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You don't even know if you're really going anywhere. You're just an able seaman - you aren't educated, you aren't in charge, and all you've got is a commander who also doesn't have a map. If I remember correctly, sitting in a rowboat puts the horizon roughly three or four miles away; so not only are you stuck in the middle of the biggest body of water on the planet in a rowboat, but you also can't see anything unless you stumble directly into it.

Now, your commander decides that it's time to set sail and take off on a 3600-mile journey, through shark-infested waters and past cannibal-ridden islands, with little food and water. And how's he going to get you there? "Oh, don't worry - I've got a sextant and a watch," says he; "I know just where we're going!" If somebody tried to pull that one on me, I'd say "sorry mate - I'l try my luck on that island over there. I don't want to go on the long, desperate sea-voyage, thank you very much". Wouldn't you?

You know what the Captain would say? "Hey, sonny - you're in the Navy, bub. So grab that oar and start rowing!" That's what he'd say. And then you'd have a choice - do you sit in the bottom of the boat and whine about how you don't want to go on the journey, and make the rest of the crew do your work for you while you eat up precious resources? Or do you throw your back into the work of getting your part of the task done well so you can get to the destination in one piece and as soon as possible?

I guess it depends on a few things. First, do you trust your Captain? Do you believe he knows what he's doing, even when it looks like all he's got is a sextant, a watch, and a guess or two? Second, what's your attitude? Do you think you've been cast adrift, left to float until the boat capsizes, or do you think that being in this tiny boat in the middle of the ocean means you've got a new purpose and destination?

Now, I don't think the records say anything about it, but I bet that there were some men in Captain Bligh's boat who helped him get that monumental task done. I bet there were crew members who encouraged, cajoled, and helped other guys tough it out in that boat. I bet there was at least one guy with him in that nightmare who Bligh felt he couldn't have done it without.

And I bet that guy, at least once on that hellish voyage, thought to himself "We are so lost. We're never gonna get there. We're all gonna die". Then he took a look at his Captain, squared his shoulders, took a deep breath, and got back to work. No idea where he was going. No idea when they would get there. But ready to die trying to make the Captain's plan work.

So I guess the question is - do I trust my Captain?

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Day 463 - September 21 - Exciting, Depressing, and Frustrating - All at the same time

First, "thank you" to all who have made their knowledge available to us concerning the fabrication issues - we are already in discussion with a friend here in town who has stepped up to offer his services. We'll be getting together with him this week to start the process! But you can also bet that I've kept track of all the names of everyone who offered, and I'll come a'runnin' if I need to! Thanks again for so many generous offers.

Yesterday, for the very first time since June 16, 2008, I clearly sensed that I received an answer to the continuous cry of my heart, Connor's complete and full restoration! If you've been here for long, you know that we continue to believe that Connor will get out of that chair again, and that God will see fit to set him upright once again - fully, completely, whole. And over the last 15 months, much has happened - our faith has been challenged, it has ebbed and flowed, we've been asked how we'll know, and it's been suggested that the answer to our prayer is "no", but we are just refusing to hear it. In addition to all that, our own belief has been stressed, tested, challenged, dragged down, picked back up again - in short, I think we've gone through just about every emotion you can go through when it comes to hoping for something. And this entire time I have never once felt that my prayers were even heard, much less answered, and much more less answered the way I desire to see them answered. So what happened yesterday?

I got up yesterday morning with the intent that we would go to church. So of course, the morning had its difficult moments, but we got through them and headed off, and all the while I was under this sense that Connor's accident and situation was all my fault. You see, last year when Connor decided to go to camp, I felt he was really going only because his girlfriend was going, and he wanted to go to. I wanted Connor to go to camp for a better reason than that, and I almost told him he couldn't go, but I didn't say anything. And yesterday I was feeling oppressed by the thought that if I'd just spoken my mind and "been a better spiritual leader in my home" (how's that for twisting a good thing into a lie?), this whole situation would never have happened. Now sure, sitting here and reading this, you think "how could he think that? Doesn't he know that God is in control, and that this situation has happened for His glory?" And the answer is "Yes" - I know that. But it's different when you're being oppressed by those thoughts, especially when the morning he left for camp, I came together with Cherié and prayed that this camp would be a life-changing event for Connor. So yes, even though I know that God controls all things, I often still feel responsible for Connor's situation.

Anyway, that's how I was feeling when we got to church yesterday, and my spirit sank further as we sang "How Great is our God", to the point where I had to choose to continue singing even though I didn't see Him do any of the things the song said He did, even though He didn't seem great because He didn't answer our prayers. I felt like if I chose to stop singing, it would be a choice to quit believing. But I sang the song through, and guess what happened. Nothing. No heavenly angels singing around me, no bright light blasting into our lives, nothing.

So, when we had finished singing, that's usually the time that they make available for people who want prayer to come down to the altar and somebody will pray for them, but yesterday they did it different and just said "if you want prayer, raise your hand, and then somebody near you will come pray with you". I was so washed up, I didn't even raise my hand, even though we've got a lot of things that need praying for. But surprise - as I'm sitting with my hand on Connor's, just silently screaming out the cry of my heart to God, suddenly the pastor is there with the boy, and he begins to pray.

Now, I'm just praying along, not really engaged with the two of them but just praying in my head - praying to the same silent, unanswering God I've been praying to for the last 15 months, and as I do, a verse comes into my head. It's a verse I've heard a million times since June last year. It's a verse y'all know well, and it's a verse that has helped us over rough spots in the past. But this time, it wasn't just a verse - this time, there was a sense that it was being spoken into me; that at that spot, in that moment, the words were a response to my words like in the middle of a conversation. You know how when two people are talking, and you say something and the other person responds, and it's the most natural thing in the world? So natural that you almost overlook it because it just fits into the conversation so smoothly that it's just 'right'? Well, this was like that. Not a big divine revelation, but a conversation.

I wish I had the language to describe this stuff - English doesn't have words for what I'm trying to describe - the words I have to use are so limited. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this time, hearing this verse this time - I knew it as an answer instead of just hearing the words. And I knew it in a slightly different sense than I've heard this verse before. I don't believe I put this meaning into it, I just received it the way I received it. It was strange and I am really having a hard time describing it.

So what was the verse, already!!! What was this "answer"? Well, for the first time in 15 months, I believe that God responded to my prayer. I believe that God spoke to me through His word, in my head, yesterday morning at church. And what I believe He said to me was written down by Isaiah a long, long time ago -

They who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

God didn't say "no". He didn't say "yes".

But He did say "wait".

He also said "they shall walk and not faint".

Just so you know, in ATC the word "shall" is an imperative, meaning "required to do". If we say a controller "shall" do something, that means he or she has to do it - it's required. For 25 years the word "shall" has meant "it's required and will happen" to me.

They shall walk and not faint.

Please pray for us as we wait. Maybe wait with us for a while, too. That would help.

Love y'all,

E.

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Day 460 - September 18 - A Particular Set of Skills

We are wondering if any of you faithful folk have been given a particular set of skills; and no, I'm not talking about Liam Neeson's skillset in "Taken"! There are a couple of small items we have been searching for that would make Connor's situation a bit easier, and yet we can't seem to find them anywhere - they apparently don't exist except in our minds. We can envision them, but it appears we cannot buy them, and we have no skill at actually making them. I won't go into descriptions here, because my skill at the written word doesn't extend far enough to give you a good idea of what I'm talking about. But the reason I'm bringing it up is in the hope that someone out there has some mechanical engineering skills or something like that, who could help us get our ideas onto paper, and also that someone out there has good machinist's skills who could turn our ideas into a metal reality.

OK, that was a really long way of saying "Hey, we need an engineer and a machinist! Come help!"

You'd need to be around MoHIll somewhere where we could get together with you and show you what we need. But if you are, or know, someone who can make cool stuff out of metal, please drop us a note. We'd be very appreciative.

As for Connor, he's about the same. No visible progress to speak of; this is a frustrating time. He does seem to be staying saturated better than a few days ago, so hopefully he's clear of whatever caused it in the first place. On the other hand, we've heard of at least two cases of swine flu in town this week (one of which is actually a friend of Connor's), so we're being careful with his contact to the world. Swine flu doesn't particularly concern us anymore than any other spreadable disease does, but your prayers for his, and our, health are still greatly appreciated.

We love y'all. Thanks for staying faithful.

E.

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Day 458 - September 16 - 15 Months

Today marks 15 months since that day Connor ran down the beach.

Lord, come quickly.
Hear the cries of Your people.
Stretch out Your strong right hand and touch the boy.
Stand him up.
Let him breathe.
Heal him.
Glorify Your name.
For I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Amen and amen.

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Day 457 - September 15 - One answered prayer...

That photo above is an out-of-focus image of our pulse/oximeter on Connor's finger, taken yesterday morning. The number on the left is Connor's O2 saturation percentage, and the number on the right is his pulse. Hence the name, "pulse/oximeter"! Now that I've typed all that, I guess you would have figured it out without my long-winded description. Oh, well...

Anyway, when Connor has been healthy since he's been home, he normally saturates around 95% or so, while lately at night he has been in the mid to upper 80s without supplemental oxygen. When his saturation is that low, he really can tell - he feels poorly and tired, and it's quite noticeable to him. You normally need to be above 90% to be getting enough oxygen, and we've been wrestling each night with him feeling bad, and us having to increase the boy's oxygen supply just to keep him at 90-92%. That's enough to keep him safe, but not really enough to help him feel better.

So y'all have been praying for his saturation specifically over the last few days, and yesterday Cherié got up to check his sats. He had spent that night without O2 for a change, and so we had been checking his sats to make sure everything was OK. When Cherié went in yesterday morning to greet him as he awoke, Connor greeted her with a big grin. She checked his sats and that photo above was what she saw! She was so pleased that it was that high that she had to take a picture of it!

This morning when we checked at 0430, he was saturated at 97%.

So, like the Bible says, the effectual, fervent prayer of the righteous avails much! And we just wanted to say "thank you" for it. We continue to rely so much on the massed prayer support of each of you in this community - we covet it so, and thank God for each of you that follows on with us and lifts us up in prayer.

While I'm at it, that's as good an opportunity as any to encourage you - please continue to pray with us for Connor's full, complete, physical restoration in this life. We continue to boldly approach the throne of grace in the spirit of Mark 11:25, believing that we have already received that which we have asked for, and may God glorify Himself by Connor's healing. Like it says in Psalm 27 - I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! So wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

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Day 455 - September 13 - Bon Voyage, Brad and Margaret!

Well, the weekend has come and gone. Brad and Margaret, after a very enjoyable visit, have packed their bags and flown back to Michigan. It was truly a joy to visit with them for just a few days - the break in the routine was most welcome! Don't let it be too long before you're back again!

Connor's weekend went pretty well, all things considered. We're still trying to understand why he has difficulty staying saturated at night - the pulmonologist wondered last week if he had been wrestling with a bout of bronchitis - but as of last night he was still requiring supplemental oxygen at night to stay saturated.

This isn't good, as you can imagine. You require a certain percentage of oxygen to stay alive and healthy, and if you don't get that things go very south, very fast. So in addition to the concern about him staying saturated, one or the other of us (OK, I'll be honest - usually Cherié) has to spend the night next to his room and make sure he stays saturated. The wear and tear begins to show pretty quick, and so your prayers for his saturation continue to be not only appreciated, but coveted too.

Tomorrow begins another week, with a number of doctors' appointments on top of the usual routine. Thank you for your continued prayers for Connor, and for the rest of us as well.

E.

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Day 452 - September 10 - Yet another long night

Connor is having such pain in his neck and shoulders that he was up every 15 minutes from 0100 to 0530 this morning. Cherié "slept" on the sofa next to his room for the first part, then I took over to give her a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I'm struggling a bit to understand what our response to all this should be. I find that I alternate between two mindsets - one of concern (that's the Christianese word for "worry", by the way) for my family - not just for Connor's health and welfare, but each of our relationships as well - there's a lot of strain in our relationships, and we often have difficulty finding good ways to minimize or dissipate it. It's like the rigging of a sailing ship; as the wind blows harder, the ropes stretch and stretch and stretch until they're as hard as iron, and even just a little more strain will cause them to snap. I suppose you might say that's what rope is for, but that doesn't take away the fact that the more strain on a rope, the closer it is to the breaking point. This even spills over into our relationship with Joélle in Chicago, although it manifests there in different ways. So on one hand I'm "concerned" about my family and its health, as well as my son and his situation.

On the other hand, I sometimes get into this zone of "Well, God's got us here for a reason, so do what you have to do". You might think that's a good place to be, but the more I think about it, the more it sounds like the way people complain where I work. They say "well, that's the way it is; get over it" with this fatalistic shrug of the shoulders, as if to say "there's nothing you can do about it, so live with it. Nobody's making you stay here - there's the door if you don't like it".

Now, I don't really think we're supposed to be fatalistic about God's plan in our lives. Shouldn't there be something more to following Christ than "well, I guess now we're gonna do this thing that I don't understand, don't like, and don't think is necessary"? I spend inordinate amounts of time at work trying to convince my employees to trust that the FAA has a larger plan, that the small inconvenience of the moment fits into a larger scheme that makes sense; but much of the time I don't really believe it myself, or at least not wholeheartedly. The bureaucracy of the government means that either there really isn't a "big picture" at all, or that us small "cogs in the wheel" people had better just shut up and do their jobs if we know what's good for us.

Is that the picture of God's plan for Connor and the family? "Shut up and do your jobs"? I find that hard to swallow. But lately my sense of this time in our family's life is like the Sargeant's response when the Private starts to complain - "Shut up and soldier, soldier".

Isn't there something else? Shouldn't there be something else?

On a less heavy note, my big brother Brad - ConnorWatch website guru and all-around handyman - and his wife Margaret will be arriving this evening for a few days' visit. This will be the first time they've seen Connor in person since his accident, and we're really looking forward to seeing them again. Please be in prayer for all of us this weekend - for Connor's health and condition to be sufficient to allow all of us to enjoy the time we have together, and for protection as two groups of people from different parts of the country get together and share germs. 8-) Seems like every time extended family gets together, we trade illnesses, just by virture of getting together! So please be praying for Connor's health through this time.

Thanks, y'all. Love ya.

E.

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Day 450 - September 8 - Study or Read?

Cherié arrived back in San Jose about a half an hour early last evening, all safe and sound. Connor and I picked her up at the curb - it sure was good to see her standing there on the curb! She's settling back into the routine, but one thing I know now is that we'll figure out ways to get her to do this more often than every 15 months. She had a fantastic time at her folks' house, so much so that I think coming home was a bit like jumping back into a cold lake - once you're in it you're good, but that first moment in the water...

I got up this morning at 0600 (part of me returning to my routine) and read through Psalm 112. The first thing I noticed is that, judging by my behavior, I can scarcely be called a righteous man - "not afraid of bad news"? "his heart is firm"? Obviously we're not talking about me! So I blearily tripped through the Psalm, doing my obligatory duty to read the Bible, right? Then after that I turned to a book I've been using called "Daily Help" by Charles Spurgeon - and this morning it was about studying the word diligently, and the rewards that await a person who mines the Scripture as if for gold or as a hunter pursues his prey, as opposed to, well, "blearily tripping through the Scripture". "Hmmm", says I, "I certainly didn't do that this morning".

Now I've got a total of an hour available in the morning before I've got to get ready for work, and I have to blog this morning, so after reading this short essay I put everything down "because I've got to blog before I go". But it didn't sit right - I mean, that was a clear as anything that I wasn't supposed to just jump into blogging for you. I certainly didn't "mine the Scriptures" this morning. So I stopped and went back to Psalm 112, where (much to my surprise) there were lines in it that weren't there the first time I read it! Seriously, my eyes fell almost immediately on

Praise the LORD! Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who greatly delights in his commandments!
His offspring will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.

(Italics added)

I'm telling you, that wasn't there the first time!

We continue to trust that God has a purpose in this journey for Connor far beyond the physical. My past experience tells me it is so. That God would remind me, while at the same time admonishing me to read the Scripture instead of just looking at it, is an encouragement to me. Hopefully it will be to you, as well.

Please keep Cherié and Connor in your prayers as she settles into the day today. Connor spent a quiet night, easing her back home; pray that this would continue as they go through their day together.

Thank you so much for your faithful prayers. We covet them!

E.

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Day 448 - September 6 - 24 Years

Well, today marks 24 years of marriage to my wonderful girl, Cherié. Happy Anniversary, my heart! I hope and pray you're getting some of your well-deserved R & R at your folks' home this weekend! Connor and I have survived without much, if any, heartache or physical problems - I guess you could say we spent the weekend without Momma, trauma or drama!

I crack myself up sometimes...

Connor had a tougher night last night - lower sats again, and a lot of pain in his neck. That remains a prayer request for him, as it has a big impact on everything because it has a big impact on his outlook and attitude. But he's also had a good few days chillin' with Josh and me - not doing much of anything, but just hanging out. It's a cool way to spend the weekend together.

I must say how much I appreciate those of you who, even very recently, have sent him notes and cards in the mail. Even when it's from people he's never met personally, it encourages him to be reminded of the many people who care about him. Thanks, y'all!

Sorry I didn't post this in the morning today - but now I'm gonna run so I can actually get it up on 9/6, and I've only got nine more minutes!

Thanks for your faithfulness. Please continue to pray for Connor's restoration and our steadfastness. God bless!

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Day 446 - September 4 - Batching it

Well, we're officially quasi-sorta-somewhat bachelors. Yeah, I know Connor really is a a bachelor, and I'm not, but this weekend we're pretending ("I'm not a bachelor, but I play one on TV..."). About 10 minutes ago Cherié's plane took off for Spokane, where she gets a much-deserved long holiday weekend off. She headed out the door about 0430 this morning, and she won't be back until Monday evening. Granny's Resort and Spa is rolling out the red carpet for her, and she gets a few days to refresh and be somebody other than a Mom for a bit. Pray that the time does her good, and for safe travel there and back. Yes, I realize that if anyone should know that flying is safe, it should be me - and I do. Plus I realize that the same God who is in control of the rest of our life is in control of this, too. So just humor me and pray for her safe trip, OK! From my perspective I need her to come back!

So, Connor and I (with the help of Josh) are on our own. There's a prayer request for you! Seriously, that he will remain healthy and in good spirits; that I will be patient and able to do all the things that a) need to be done; b) I've watched Cherié do a thousand times (compared to my hundred times); and c) still feel inept doing my ownself. Pray that Connor will be patient with me as I'm not as quick as his mom. Pray that we get along!

It's thanks to your prayers, and God's answering them, that gave us uninterrupted sleep last night from 1200 to 0400 when we had to get up to get Cherié out the door. Four hours without interruption is almost unheard of, so that was a real blessing. Connor is still asleep, so as long as I can manage to stay awake and alert, we should do fine.

I'll let you know how it goes...

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Day 444 - September 2 - A Quick Thank You

Since I've only got about 10 minutes to blog this morning, I want to just say "thanks" to those of you who take the time to think about things and make the comments on the blog. I can't begin to tell you how much your thoughtful insight helps me, how much your words of encouragement mean to us, and how many times I am challenged to consider things from different perspectives. You are all helping me and my family grow, and I really, really appreciate it.

Additionally, I want to just thank each of you prayer warriors for faithfully lifting the boy up. He has been feeling better and better these past few days, and so has Cherié. Last night was a tougher one; again Connor isn't staying saturated with oxygen like we wish he would, and as the numbers go lower, the concern and attention go up. Cherié spend much of last night on the chaise next to his bed to be there if the numbers dropped lower, which (as you can imagine) isn't as good as soundly sleeping in bed. So please continue to pray, which I know you are.

I truly cannot wait until I get to heaven. I thought that last night as I was reading your comments on the blog - I just cannot wait until the day when all of us in this community, separated by miles (and sometimes by continents!) right now, will stand together in Christ's presence. I long to thank you each personally for the MASSIVE amount of help you've been to me, and to my family, over the last 444 days.

Can't wait.

E.

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