Day 442 - August 31 - More than we can handle?

I've had a number of people say something to me over the last 15 months or so that, after it percolated in my brain for a while, has now risen into my consciousness in the form of a question. The thing that these well-meaning, caring people have said is the sentiment "Well, God must trust you a lot to give your family this burden. But remember, He'll never give you more than you can handle".

Well, OK. I've been pondering that idea now for a couple of months, and I'm not so sure it lines up with my understanding of God. That's not to say that I understand God, mind you - but I don't think the statement is true, even though it sounds very God-minded. Let's break it apart and you'll see what I'm saying -

First, let's look at "God trusts me/us a lot to give us this burden". I don't really have much to offer with this statement, except that I don't think God has a very high regard for my level of faithfulness. His standard is pretty high, after all! Seriously, even the most passionate follower of Christ has moments of doubt and question; times when they fall away or shrink back from the task; every believer this side of the grave does that at one time or another, and that, in comparison to God's faithfulness, displays a woeful lack of integrity. Remember the words of "Great is Thy Faithfulness"? "There is no shadow of turning in Thee". Gee, I'm full of the shadow of turning! Now I might try to reason it away - "it was only for a little while" - but my mind's turning has the same character as a fireman who, when expected to hold the blanket as the victim jumps to safety, decides that this is the time to do something else for a while. It's a serious thing to not be constant, and yet I am inconstant all the time! So I don't think God "trusts" me at all, since He already knows the depths of my betrayal to Him and yet loves me anyway. As well, the concept of God trusting us to carry a heavy load goes contrary to Scripture in 2 Corinthians 12:9, where Paul, after pleading to have the thorn in his flesh removed, is told "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness".

Let's take a look at that, because it ties directly into the second part of the original statement - "He'll never give you more than you can handle" -

Let's say that I ask you to come over and help us move out of the house, and when you get here I show you a refrigerator and ask you to get it into the truck. Now, you're a strapping young lad (at least in this story), you've got reasonably-sized muscles and a hand truck - you can do this job. So you try, but the refrigerator won't move. All your strength won't budge this refrigerator. So finally, after struggling for a while, you finally give in and call me to help. So I come back out and help move the refrigerator, and the job is done.

Now that's an imperfect word picture, but it's the best I can come up with to demonstrate the idea that no matter how strong you are, there's something out there that puts you into the "not strong enough" category. It's probably different for every person, just like all of us can pick up a bag of sugar, but fewer of us can move a television set, and only the strongest could pull a locomotive down the track - but even the strongman would become "not strong enough" when it came to moving a trestle bridge or an aircraft carrier.

But that still doesn't quite touch where I'm going with this. God's strength isn't made perfect in being just a bit more powerful than our own massive best efforts, it's made perfect in weakness. And weakness - true weakness, not a false modesty just to hide our own ego - involves recognition of our powerlessness. Imagine, back in our moving day scenario, taking a look at the big refrigerator and being able to accurately assess it and say "ain't no way by myself". Or imagine swaggering up to the refrigerator with an "I've got this" attitude, dusting your hands and preparing to lift a refrigerator without any preparation or assessment (by the way, I've filled it up with old copies of National Geographic to make it more difficult). The first person recognizes their very real limitations, while the second denies their own reliance on another.

So, to come back to "He won't give you more than you can handle" - I think He very specifically gives people more, 'waaaay more, than they can handle. If you can handle everything that comes your way in life, what need you of a Saviour? If you can safely deal with all of life's torments without God, how well do you demonstrate God's power instead of yours? And if you can deal with everything that comes your way, how do you then come to know God's grace? This experience is far more than anyone can handle, and if I told you differently I'd be lying.

We walk this road, and I tell you clearly - we cannot do it. We cannot handle this life, this burden, this pain. We will fail to successfully navigate the minefield that's been laid out for us. But we can; we attempt; and we do trust that God will see us through this. He will sustain Connor, He will sustain our marriage, He will sustain and perfect our lives in this trial. Not because we can handle it, but because we cannot. That's where His strength is made perfect, when ours is set aside as incapable.

Now, how's Connor? He's OK - better sats on Friday night, but a tougher night Saturday. Sunday morning we wrestled with congested lungs and pain, but he rested better last night and slept most of it without interruption. Yesterday afternoon we managed to get out of the house and take a drive over the mountains to visit with Allie and her family for a couple of hours. That went really well, and all of us enjoyed getting to know them and their friends better, particularly in a non-hospital setting. I think Connor is an encouragement to Allie, and we all certainly enjoyed the time we spent there.

Cherié is still hurting, and I've got to go back to work today, so be praying for them. They have a much harder challenge than I do, and so I appreciate your continued prayers for them. Thank you so much.

E.

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Day 440 - August 29 - We Struggle Along

Well, now it's Saturday morning, and we continue to struggle along with the help of our friends. Cherié is still hampered by her back, and I had to stay home from work Thursday and Friday to take care of things while she took it easy and rested her back. Of course, her definition of "taking it easy" and mine differ a bit! Mine doesn't included "try to vacuum the house", for example! I hope she (and y'all) realizes I'm teasing her a bit - she's been really good at trying to save her back; but sitting down when there are things to be done doesn't come easy for her, and so she's always trying to get up and do stuff. She can manage to be upright for five minutes or so, but that's about the limit before she has to break out the Icy-Hots and sit back down. So continue to pray for her - we'd like her to be back to health before she heads off to her folk's place next Friday.

Connor continues in this "less than optimally healthy" state. Yesterday we did get him up into his chair, but he feels so poorly that he just sat with his eyes closed, not really engaging with anything. He didn't even get on his computer, which is a serious indicator that he's not feeling well! When Josh showed up and they disappeared into the mancave, we could hear them laughing and cutting up, and last night he did stay saturated through the night without supplemental oxygen and slept well, so hopefully this all means he's turned that particular corner.

Last night we had some friends bring us a wonderful meal for dinner. We really enjoyed the food, and Cherié was particularly grateful to not have to be up fixing something. So thanks, ya'll!

So that's where we're at. Please continue to pray for us, and I have to add this - not just for the day-to-day needs. Please don't forget that we are continuing to believe God will fully restore the boy. Until he walks again, or until we hear otherwise, we believe.

E.

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Day 438 - August 27 - In need of prayer

Just another quick note with an update and a request. In the course of caring for her family and her son with her usual "git 'er done" attitude, Cherié has thrown her back out somehow. That sounds worse than it probably is - maybe I should say "she's tweaked her back" or something. She's managed to pinch a nerve or a disk in some way, and it's very painful for her to stand or move. Knowing her, she's not going to slow down much, but she does have a lot of pain from it.

I'm staying home from work today to take care of the two of them - Connor's got a doctor's appointment and hopefully Cherié will take it easier while I'm here to help. But this really is a matter for prayer. I can't stay home from work indefinitely to care for both of them, but at the rate Cherié pushes herself, I fear she'll do some sort of permanent damage to her back. So I would ask for, and greatly appreciate, your prayers in this regard.

Thank you for continuing to support and help us with your prayers.

E.

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Day 437 - August 26 - Holy, Holy, Holy

The day before yesterday I was driving to work and I got stuck in traffic. The highway came to a dead stop at a particular point, so much so that for about five minutes I had the truck in Park. I mean, we weren't moving at all. And while I sat there talking to my Mom on the phone, I watched an on-ramp I could see up the road a bit. The on-ramp had those metering lights that make cars stop and wait before they get on the highway, and they're supposed to automatically monitor the traffic and change the interval to account for how many cars are on the freeway. Well, this one was just pumping another car onto the completely stopped freeway about every five seconds.

After about 15 or 20 minutes of watching all these other cars get on the freeway ahead of me while I sat and waited, the traffic finally broke up. I got past the accident site (didn't see anybody hurt, which was good) and headed off to work, promptly forgetting about it.

Yesterday, on the way to work, the traffic stopped again, just as I was approaching that same spot. Now, I hate sitting in traffic if there's anything else I can be doing, so (remembering the broken metering light) I took the exit with the intention of just getting back on the freeway - "See, I beat the system! I got in front of all you losers who weren't smart enough to think ahead! Mwuhahaha!" (that was my "evil laugh", by the way - in my head it sounds like Dracula or an evil scientist, chortling over his victims while he rubs his hands together). Only one problem - they fixed the metering light. So, I sat on the on-ramp in shameful self-humiliation while all those people who were patient enough to stay on the highway in the first place motored on by me. Apparently I'll never learn to not be in control of the timing of my life. As if I were in the first place! 'Waay too many life lessons being thrown at me these days!

So yesterday I'm heading home from work in the car, and I turn on the stereo and hit shuffle on the iPhone, and as I do I pray; "Lord, I'm feeling like I don't even know who You are. I need to hear Your voice - I need to hear You tell me who You are". So I hit "Play" and Chris Tomlin's song "We Fall Down" starts playing. "OK" says I, "I'll listen" -

"We fall down, we lay our crowns
At the feet of Jesus.
The greatness of Your mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus.
We cry 'Holy, Holy, Holy';
We cry 'Holy, Holy, Holy';
We cry 'Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb'.

God is holy. Set apart. One of a kind and immensely pure. Holy.

But I'm more a hymn kinda guy, and I've always liked the words of the hymn "Holy, Holy, Holy" better than the words of this song, because the hymn uses the same language the Bible does when it makes this reference in Revelation - "casting down their golden crowns around a glassy sea". What difference does it make? Lots. Think about it - if God is so holy, what response to that holiness do you want to have? Do you want to take off your precious golden crown, lay it safely on the ground (even if it is at the feet of Jesus), and then worship Him? Or do you want to grab it off your head and discard it because it has no value compared to the act of worship before a living God? That's why I love the word "casting" here - the idea is like a baseball catcher going after a pop fly. The face mask and helmet he's wearing isn't cheap - it's probably worth $150 or so - but compared to catching the fly ball, it's worthless. So he rips it off his head and throws it away.

When I see Jesus standing in all His glory as the Lamb of God, worthy of all praise - I don't want to waste a second thought on anything else. So assuming I have a golden crown at the time, I'll cast it off without a second glance. No laying it on the ground for me. I'm just gonna forget about it and do what's important.

That's God's holiness. That's who He is. Worship Him today.

Connor has spent another difficult night, with low saturation and chest pain. Cherié slept on the sofa again, up every half hour or so. But when we changed the shift this morning, she told me it was a good night. Connor was almost weeping, apologizing to his mom for her having to be up because of him, and her response was "God has been telling me over and over that we're exactly where we're supposed to be. It's OK - we'll do what we have to do". This helped to settle him, and he's now been able to sleep for almost two hours without interruption.

I love my son (and my daughter too - see, I didn't forget you, Joélle!)
I love my wife.
I love my Lord.

Amen and amen.

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Day 435 - August 24 - Tough Haul

OK, this is a pretty stupid word picture, but it just popped into my head and it's helping me deal with the current situation, so you'll just have to bear with me...

There's a TV show out there that I've watched a bit lately called "Ice Road Truckers". I'm usually somewhat disdainful of reality TV - it seems like just a way for TV producers to get shows out there without actually having to produce anything - stick a camera in some poor slob's face, fire off a few hours of footage, then slap it together and broadcast it - no script, no soundtrack, nothing. Sort of a shortcut to dollars without actually producing anything. But, since we spend a lot of time in front of the TV these days, eventually we were bound to run out of good things to watch and have to start with things that have less value. Anyway, I was watching this show, which follows a group of people who drive trucks on the road that supplies the Alaskan pipeline. Now get this - they pave this road with ice (hence the name of the show), so these truck drivers spend all their time trying to not crash as they zamboni their way between Fairbanks and Prudhoe Bay. It turns out to be at least fairly interesting, after all! So they drive these semi trucks up and down mountains, around all sorts of nasty, slippery turns, and all on ice. So there's one part of the road that has this really long climb up a pass, and the trick is to go exactly the right speed in exactly the right gear in order to make it over the top. If you go too fast you'll slide off the edge and go crashing down into the canyon below, but if you go too slow you'll lose momentum and stop, and you won't be able to get started again because your tires will slip with too much power going to them. It's really odd because they start the climb barreling along at speeds that you and I would find insane on an ice road - maybe 50 mph or so - but by the time they get close to the top, they're only going maybe 3-5 mph. They're crawling along so slowly that from a distance you can't see them move.

So yesterday, Cherié and I were sitting in the backyard with tears in our eyes as we tried to come to grips with the latest manifestation of our situation. Connor has been having more and more difficulty staying saturated with oxygen, and yet his lungs sound and seem clear - he should be saturating well, but he's not. In addition to the fact that we're having to put him on oxygen at night again, his low sats make him feel lethargic and punky, and he has difficulty remaining in good spirits. And there doesn't seem to be anything we can do for him. We've got an appointment with the pulmonologist in a few weeks, but until then we're just trying to get by and manage the situation.

It certainly feels like we're not going anywhere. And so Cherié wept as we sat on the patio, as I watched, helpless to do anything to make anything better. We talked about the progress all the other kids that we know in Connor's situation are making - standing frames, and arm movement, and... well, we'd just about kill to see something new in Connor right now. But there's nothing. Connor is just about the same as he was 15 months ago; we can't even practice weaning him from the ventilator, because he doesn't stay saturated even while he's on it, much less off of it.

But we do know there's a reason for this. And apparently, this slow pace is precisely the speed we need to be traveling in order to make it over the top of this long haul. Maybe if we were moving faster, the desired result wouldn't be achieved. It feels like if we moved any slower, we'd be going backwards. But we have faith that this is the right pace, and place, for Connor and for us. That seems impossible - how can this be good? - but we believe it to be so.

Please continue to pray - for renewed health and progress for Connor; for renewed faith and resolve for all of us.

Thanks. We love y'all.

E.

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Day 432 - August 21 - Won't You Come?

I was driving home from work the other day and had a fantastic time of worship traveling down I-880 (this must be the week for weird stuff). I had my iPod on "shuffle" - I often let it randomly move through my playlists, and when I do that I pray that God would bring to me words and songs I need to hear as it trips along. So the other day I was doing that, and a certain song came on. Now, I have to tell you that I'm often tempted to skip past songs I don't particularly like or want to listen to when I'm doing this, and I always have to tell myself "You asked to hear from Him - maybe You should listen to what comes along to see if those are the words He wants you to hear!". That's what happened here - I wasn't really in "the mood" to listen to "Meet with Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt, but I let it play.

A brief aside - when we have sung that song at church, I often find myself a bit riled at some of the lyrics - the part where they sing "won't You come, won't You come and fill this place?" Color me anal-retentive, but God has promised to never leave us or forsake us, so begging Him to come into a place where we are has always struck me as redundant. Yeah, I know - I over-analyze things too much.

Anyway, so this song started playing, but I was determined to hear Him speak if He wanted to do so through this song, so I listened to the lyrics even though I've sung them a hundred times -

I'm here to meet with You. Come and meet with me.
I'm here to find You - reveal Yourself to me.

As I wait, You make me strong. As I long, draw me to Your arms.
As I stand and sing Your praise, You come, You come and You fill this place.
Won't You come, won't You come, and fill this place.

Here's where the good part starts. I've always sung this song at church, in a big room with lots of other believers. And, being the literal-minded man that I am, I've always taken it to mean "this place where we are", like the big room or the sanctuary or whatever. But this time, when that line was sung, I realized that every time I speak about the situation my family is in - every time I try to describe where we're at in this journey - the only phrase I've ever found that remotely helps describe the moment we live in has been "this place". As in "God's brought us to this place..." or "I don't know why Connor's been brought to this place". And when I thought that, suddenly this whole concept of asking God to fill "this place" changed for me. I wasn't talking about God coming and squeezing into my car and filling it up - He's already there with me. No, suddenly I was talking about Him coming and filling this big, empty, scary, depressing, frightening, dark, lonely and heart-rending "place" we're in. And that's a completely different ball of wax.

What a revelation that was! And once I got that part, then I saw that the previous lines made even more sense - now suddenly I'm not sitting here waiting for God to show up; now the waiting we're doing fits into the lyrics instead. Now "as I long" isn't just a phrase - now it actually has meaning because I understand the concept of longing, because I do it every day. So in the span of three minutes, this song went to the top of the charts in my "must play" list (I sound like Casey Kasem)!

I've probably listened to that song 25 times since this happened 36 hours ago. It's become another cry of my heart - that God would fill - operative word "FILL" - this place we're in. He's already here - we catch fleeting glimpses of Him now and again - but I want this place filled by Him, so there's no room to move without running into Him. So I have to move in Him instead of around Him. So we can't feel anything but Him, because He's so surrounding us. That might make even this torture bearable...

Connor spent last evening saying goodbye to some good friends who are off to college this weekend. He puts a good face on it, but you can see it hurts him to see his friends leaving. Would you please pray that the Lord would see fit to bring new close friends into Connor's life? Also, please be praying for him as he seeks to use this downtime God has given him - that he would have wisdom to decide what things to pursue, as well as what course of action he should take during this very confusing time.

Thanks for staying with us,

E.

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Day 429 - August 18 - Who is this man I am?

Well, Connor's pain levels have gotten progressively better over the last week, to such a degree that he opted out of a cortisone shot in his shoulder "to save it for when I really need it". So that's a good thing, although he still has been fairly lethargic much of the time. He just doesn't feel good, he tells me - which is descriptive but not long on details. I would ask you to continue to lift his physical and emotional wellbeing up in prayer.

A couple of very strange things happened this week. On Sunday morning, while we were at church, I was singing along and (like I do all the time) praying in my head. And as I sang, I had one of those moments when the words and the setting and my emotions were aligned, and you feel it all well up inside you like a wave. So as this moment rose up inside me, I prayed "Lord, I cannot WAIT until You set Connor up. I'm gonna just fall down and praise You and glorify Your name! I can't wait!" And almost instantly I thought "Hey, wait a minute - I'm holding back on God." You see, God is worthy of that extreme degree of praise and worship independent of Connor - no matter what happens to the boy. And I withhold His due when I put a contingency on His worship.

Now, that's a pretty spiritual thing to say, right? And don't get me wrong - I haven't suddenly started running and leaping and praising God since I came to this realization. But it was at that moment that I came to comprehend this fact even though I've known it for many years. I would have answered "of course" if you said "He's worthy of your praise no matter what He does", but somehow there's a difference in my understanding of it now that wasn't there last week.

So that was weird thing number one. Number two was yesterday. You see, I spend a lot of time agonizing about potentialities. I know I'm supposed to trust God so much I don't worry about the future, but the truth is that I'm not there yet. So I was thinking about the things that might be in our future, and I was thinking that despite the optimistic proclamations about blue M&Ms and other research, the medical profession has no - zero - hope of getting Connor restored. None.

So far, that's not so weird - I do this stuff all the time. But the weird thing was that usually, this would lead me down my regular road into depression; but this time, when I reached that point in my reasoning, my brain said to me (I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's the only way I can describe it) - so my brain says to me "The doctors can't do anything. Good! That means that the only hope is God - the one Person who actually CAN do something about it!"

Now, I know you're sitting there reading this and going "Well, duh!" Yeah, I know this in my head, just like the first thing. But again, something happened that made me know it in my heart instead, and it's kinda psyching me out, if you know what I mean!

Strangely, over the last few weeks I've been praying that I would know God in my heart better than I know Him in my head.

I wonder if that's got something to do with it...

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Day 426 - August 15 - Viewpoints

Well, each day this week Connor has felt progressively better. His shoulder still pains him, and we're dosing him with all sorts of medications to help, but overall he seems to be handling it better. This in turn helps Cherié and I handle it better as well, so we're all extremely grateful for your prayers.

I am usually pretty impressed by how Connor handles all that's been thrown at him. Sure, there are times when he responds to the various trials in our life in ways that are either immature or don't edify anyone, but then you should also say that about me, so you won't catch me throwing any stones. But for the most part, Connor responds very well to the things that have come into his life, whether that's not being able to join friends at an activity, or unmanageable pain, or whatever. He's a good kid - I wish I could get him to get on here and offer you his viewpoints. Alas, not today.

Cherié and I sat on the sofa last night, weeping over this life that Connor has been given. We would both give anything to be able to trade places with him and give him back his life, and yet we can't. That realization colors everything we do, which brings me to my latest pitch for the Forum.

One of the site members posted some interesting observations in one of the threads recently, and I have offered an initial response. I'm hoping it will generate some discussion, and so I wanted to point you at it. The thread is in the "Understanding Doctrine" category in the Forum, and you can get to it by

CLICKING HERE and selecting the "MOVED: Re:Another CenCal SCI - Allie Pomianowski" thread.

Chime in there and let us know what you think...

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Day 424 - August 13 - Accessibility

No, not what you think. I just want to make a brief post to bring something to the attention of those many folks (you might be among them) who read the blog but don't look at the rest of the site -

In the "Happenings" page, Brad noted the other day that we have unlocked the Forum to be accessible to anyone, whether they're logged into the site or not. Before this past weekend, if you wanted to check out the Forum you had to be signed in, but this change reflects a more open nature that is central to what we're about here.

Basically, any of the Forum messages can now be read by anyone on the site. To help control the Community environment, commenting on or starting a new discussion thread still require a log-in. But as of now, you can quickly peek into the Forum to see what discussions are ongoing without logging in.

Brad explains it better than I, so click on the Happenings button at the top of the page to read his post. Then, we hope you'll begin exploring and engaging in the Forum, and take a deeper role in the life and development of this Community.

I'll be posting more here in the blog this evening, but for now...

E.

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Day 422 - August 11 - Continued Pain

Just a quick update to ask for continued prayer. Connor is still experiencing nearly continuous pain in his shoulder. The doctor had suspected earlier that he may have torn his rotator cuffs in his initial accident, and we did a round of X-rays a couple of weeks ago which confirmed nothing. We're now pursuing an MRI, but that will involve special equipment due to his ventilator and takes some time to set up. So it may be some time before that can take place, and we need to get the pain under control somehow if we can.

On the upside, it's his left shoulder that's hurting. Everything that he's gotten back so far - the finger movements, toe movements, sweating, etc. - has started first on the left side. While I'm not enthusiastic about pain, I'd be pleased if this is a sign of returning feeling. Please be praying for that as well.

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Day 421 - August 10 - 24 hours of pain

Well, the good day we had on Saturday devolved into a rough Saturday night, a difficult Sunday, and an almost unbearable Sunday night into Monday. Almost as soon as Connor got home, he was very tired and went to bed quickly. He had difficulty sleeping Saturday night and was still very tired Sunday, so we opted to give him a "down" day. He stayed in bed all day, but by the evening he was getting worse, not better. Evening came and he was experiencing muscle contractions so severe that his chest was spasming, preventing his lungs from expanding. Cherié and I did manual breathing for him with the bag for about 20 minutes. Once he got back on the vent, he needed a pretty heavy dose of oxygen to stay saturated, and then the pain started - lancing pain through his left shoulder that no amount of medication, altering of position, ice, massage, or prayer seemed to touch. Connor's face was screwed up in agony and he couldn't sleep, even when Cherié lay on the bed next to him rubbing his shoulder and back for three hours before he finally dropped off.

Today he got up into his chair, but nothing improved very much - the pain was still there, and he remained on supplemental oxygen all day. When I got home this afternoon he was quiet and withdrawn, with many complaints of his chest, shoulders, and abdomen hurting badly. He finally got into bed early, about 7:30, but only in the last few minutes (it's almost 11PM now) have we been able to find a position that doesn't hurt quite as much.

I guess the fact that we are in desperate need of God's intervention is fairly apparent, which is a good enough segue for me...

First, let me say that I'm not going to follow through with the "thankfulness alphabet". You see, I feel like I'm acting fraudulently with the series, and I have to stop. The fact is that I certainly do not have a thankful heart for these things I've been writing - yes, I'm thankful for my family and my kids, and in some sort of technical manner I guess I really am thankful for the things of God which I've posted - but the reality is that none of that thankfulness I blogged about came from my heart. It was a fun exercise, but I'm not being truthful when I tell you I'm thankful for whatever - my heart's just not there. So I'm knocking off that exercise until I mean it.

There was a day last summer, while we were still in Fresno, when I was on the phone with my friend Mike. I was having one of the many crises of faith I've had since June 2K8, and I made some comment to Mike that I wasn't sure anymore that God even existed. Mike told me that was OK, because during the time when I was struggling to believe, there were brothers and sisters who were believing for me. I had spent hours and days trying to make myself believe, and hearing him say this allowed me the freedom to stop trying until God persuaded me to believe.

A week ago or so, some friends came by to pray with and encourage us, and I said something similar - that I was finding my prayer and worship to be hollow and empty; that there was nothing there. In a follow-up email they wrote this -

"Sometimes I think it may just be the season to just ask other Christians to worship or give thanks on your behalf, when your suffering and exhaustion are too great."

Well, that's my confession - that's where I'm at, and I think where all three of us are at. We've got nothing to offer up to God - our hurt, our sorrow, our unanswered prayer, and our unrealized hopes take all our strength to continue to lift up to Him, and we have no strength left. We can say the words, but the spirit isn't in them.

Joélle, on the other hand, is solidly convinced that this is the year of good things. She's a rock to us, and because she's not mired in the day-to-day, she sees so many causes for hope. I wish I could see them. I wish I could see her.

I'm sorry about the alphabet thing. It was entertaining, but (at least for me) that's all it was. And you deserve better from me, so please accept this apology.

We love you guys.

Eric

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Day 419 - August 9 - F is for Flying

Saturday we spent outside, about 45 minutes from home at the Salinas Airshow. As you may recall, in addition to being an Air Traffic Controller I'm also a pilot, and airplanes are a passion to me. Connor loves hot jets as well, and since the Navy's Blue Angels were performing, we rounded up a couple of friends, loaded up with sunscreen and took off.

There were a number of concerns - sunburns, of course, but also being able to manage Connor's temperature in addition to all the logistics of an extended trip away from home. We did alright, although we were unable to get a table with an umbrella, and had to sit down in the front in the sun. Because of our temperature concerns, that meant that someone was holding an umbrella over Connor all day - not too much of a sacrifice, since it helped him enjoy a "normal" activity for once, but I was astonished at the number of people who had snagged shaded tables in the back, but then when the Blue Angels started flying, felt it appropriate to move down and stand in front of all those who had to take the front seats in the sun all day. Apparently, it was more important for them to enjoy both the shade and the view, moving up to stand at the fence line so they could see everything, than for Connor and the rest of us relegated to basting in the sunshine to be able to see things happening at low altitude. Sometimes the inconsideration and selfishness in people amazes me, even though I am often embarrassed by my own...

But that's really neither here nor there. We had a great time in spite of it all, and are thankful that we managed to get out and enjoy an activity together as a Family (another thing to be thankful for on F-day). Here's another - Friends - who tagged along, helped with Connor when we needed it, and gave the boy somebody to hang with besides his parents. Thanks, Josh and Sarah!

I'm also really thankful for faithfulness. Do you realize how often we take faithful behavior for granted? We take faithfulness as a given in our spouses, our kids, our bosses, our friends, and our God - all the time. But it's just about the rarest commodity out there. Most people and all things will betray you somehow during the course of this existence, so cherish the people who try not to fail you, and bless the God who never will. Amen? Amen.

One downside of the day was that by the time we got home in the early evening, Connor was exhausted. We'd all managed to get a bit sunburned despite our best efforts, and so he went to bed early for a nap. Although he did wake back up and have some dinner, the nap meant he was up most of the night, restless and unable to sleep. He finally got into a deeper sleep at about 0500 this morning, so we're letting him sleep a bit this morning instead of the planned early launch for church.

Please continue to pray for Connor's restoration - we struggle each day with the strength to ward off despair as we wait for God to move, and it's worst for Connor. So your continued support for the boy is greatly coveted, and greatly appreciated.

Eric

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Day 418 - August 7 - Another Day

Connor spent today the way we spend so many these days - hanging around the house. Just another day, without too much excitement or variation. I was reading in the Psalms this morning and was just struck by how much we don't deserve to be rescued - we have rebelled against God from our birth; even in our knowledge of Him, we deny it and choose our own way; we insist on returning to roll in the mire of our own sins, despite the sure knowledge of redemption from their power; we just plain don't deserve anything but utter separation from the holiness of God. And when I am able to see myself in this light, it amazes me that God promises good in our lives - we don't even deserve the daily sustenance with which He sustains us!

But the truth is that none of those things are dependent on me deserving them (good thing, eh?) - they just are because of who God is. And so my response, in my own halting, pathetic way, is to try to be obedient to Him and bring Him just a tiny bit of the glory due His name.

Today is "E", and once again Joélle comes through and helps out her old man. Today I'm thankful for "eternity", because some days (like today), the only way we carry on is in the realization that even if my worst nightmare comes true and we are in this current condition longer than we hope, our entire lives are but a very tiny foreword to the eternal joy and peace we will share with Jesus. That is worth thanking God for!

Y'all have any other ideas?

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Day 417 - August 6 - D-day

Well, I've spent the last 36 hours or so racking my poor brain for something for which I am thankful that begins with the letter "D". Unfortunately for all of us, I appear to possess something of a negative frame of mind; and this glass-half-empty brain seems intent on only dredging up things that no person in their right mind would be thankful for - "despair", for instance, or "depression".

Not to say that my mind is there, but rather that the letter "D" has proven to be a harder struggle than some of the others.

I kicked it around with Joelle for a while. She offered me "deep dish pizza", "ding-dongs" and "Dadda", for which I honor her, but these weren't quite the things I was seeking. But finally, after she realized what a poor thinker her father really is, my daughter (there's a D-word for which I am truly thankful!) trotted out "deliverance".

Now that I'm thankful for! The very thing that we as believers rely upon, and which we as Connor's family look forward to extremely! So here's to Joelle, who was able to succeed when her old man couldn't!

Thanks, Daughter!

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Day 414 - August 4 - C ya!

Today went fairly well, although the schedule was a bit jacked up - I have early shifts all week to help accommodate doctor and dentist visits in the afternoons, which translates into less sleep and more work for Cherié since I'm up and out the door by 0500. That's also the reason I didn't blog this morning, by the way. Still and all, Connor and Cherié got through the day alright, and Josh and the boy caught a movie this afternoon.

He's struggling, folks. We all are, trying to carry on as we wait for the boy's healing. Trying to piece together some normality in this alien place. But God continues to see us through, and so we take another step.

So what am I thankful for today that begins with the letter "C"? Well, there are two obvious ones - Connor and Cherié (don't worry Joélle - J is coming!!). I am so thankful for both my wife and son, I could just spit. But I am also thankful for another "C" word -

"constancy"

As in

"the quality of being enduring and free from change or variation".

Why, you might ask? Well, I would point to one significant verse in Scripture, Hebrews 13:8 - "Jesus is the same yesterday, and today, and forever". And once I was done pointing, I would mention a particular fact; that in the gospel accounts of Jesus' ministry on earth, Jesus healed every single person who asked Him, believing. In person, in the body, in this life. He never played any word games about healing, He just healed. He never meant "someday in heaven you'll walk again" - He said "Get up, take up your mat, and walk". He never turned down a soul who came to Him for help. That's the Jesus I know, the Jesus I trust, the Jesus I rely on. Jesus, the Constant One.

Lord, come quickly. Help my unbelief. Glorify Your name. Stand up my son.

For Your glory,

So be it.

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Day 414 - August 3 - "B"

Briefly (because I'll be late for work), I wanted to post up for today. I wanted to say "thanks" to the respondents from yesterday, and especially agree with Fred. I don't know how many times I've thanked God for my job and it's steadiness since this began last year. I used to grumble about it alot, but watching my friends and siblings struggle with job issues over the last year, I've realized what a blessing it is to have a steady job while we go through this journey. I think we'd all be overwhelmed if we had to deal with that pressure as well. So I'll join Fred in thanking God for ATC!

Interestingly enough, today marks the 28th anniversary of the reason I even have a job - the controller's strike back in 1981. I know that a lot of people, including some of my friends and colleagues, were deeply impacted by that strike. But the fact that He used that event in 1981 to provide for us now is an excellent example of how God uses ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Thank you, Lord.

So, B. What are we thankful for that starts with B? How about "boldness", as in "approaching the Throne of Grace with boldness" (Heb. 4:15-16)?

Cherié and Connor are still asleep. Hopefully they'll add some more when they awake!

Love you guys! Hold fast - daylight comes.

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Day 413 - August 2 - Remembering

Back in the Old Testament days, the Israelites often set up stones, or altars, to remind themselves of the things that God had done for them. It was a way of trying not to fall into the "God has forgotten us" mindset, which is pretty easy to fall into sometimes.

On a different but related note, I have been reconnecting with many of my old friends from college through Facebook lately, and while it's fun to reconnect and find out what these folks are doing with their lives right now, a good deal of laughter and joy is generated as I look through old photographs and we share stories of our escapades and mishaps from more than 25 years ago.

So I've been pondering on memory and remembering lately, and took the liberty of scrolling back through some of the archived blog postings from last fall, and I wanted to reprint one that struck me. This was posted back in September 2008...

Allow me to recap part of the story of Abraham, for those who may not be familiar with it. The story is found in Genesis 17, 21, and 22, but in short, God promises that Abraham will be the father of a great nation, even though he's 99 years old and has no children except one, who, according to the promise, will not be the heir. The heir is yet to be born, even though Abraham's wife is 89 years old. The promise includes the statement that the son's name will be Isaac. Sure enough, a year or so later they have a baby boy, and name him Isaac. Then, sometime later, when Isaac is old enough to work and talk, God tests Abraham by telling him to go to a far place and sacrifice his son. Yipes! This is the kid that the promise was given about and through - how could he sacrifice his son? But Abraham packs up everything he needs, goes to the far place, loads the boy up with wood for the fire, takes the fire and the knife, and climbs a mountain. Isaac says "Uh, Dad? We've got wood and fire, but where's the lamb for the sacrifice?" Abraham's answer is "The Lord will provide the lamb". So they get to the top of the mountain, Abraham hunts up some rocks and builds an altar, puts the wood on top of it, and then throws his son up there and prepares to sacrifice him according to the Lord's direction, at which point the Angel of the Lord stops Abraham and proceeds to bless him for his obedience.

This doesn't have very much to do with my situation - I haven't been called to sacrifice my son, or anything like that. But I think it's significant that, having received the promise about Isaac, Abraham has enough faith to trust that God will provide - even if Abraham has to carry through with what he's been commanded to do. The book of Hebrews says that Abraham had so much faith that he was confident that God would raise Isaac from the dead if necessary in order to fulfill His word - that's how much faith Abraham had.

He had so much faith that God would be faithful to His promise that Abraham loaded up the family donkey with wood, fire, a knife and his precious son and took a multi-day journey, in spite of the fact that God had told him the purpose of the trip was to kill his boy. He knew two things in his knower, as it were - that God had promised big things through his son, and that God is true to His nature (which this test ran counter to). So Abraham had enough faith to make the preparations even though he suspected they would either be unnecessary, or that God would fix it some other way - because God has to stay true to His nature.

This is the part that really caught my attention...

Let me clearly state that I am not Abraham, nor do I have such faith. So what's his story got to do with me, then? Just this - we are making the preparations to deal with Connor's treatment and rehabilitation, but that is not where our confidence lies. We are not content to accept the tiny improvement Man can offer - we fully expect God to render this unnecessary, and we want you to, as well. Our prayer continues to be not that He would prepare the way to the next step in rehab, but that He would heal Connor and set him upright on his own two feet.

Our prayer for you is that you will believe with us, trusting God and praying for the boy's complete restoration, and keeping sight of that in the midst of this parade of baby steps.

Thank you all for your faith and hope.

Going back and reading this caused me to say "Hey, stupid - you wrote this. Have you so quickly forgotten it?" A good reminder...

So finally, in the spirit of remembrance, Cherié asked if we could do the alphabet thing again. If you don't remember, last September we ran through the alphabet, one letter daily, thinking of attributes of God that began with the different letters and choosing to praise Him for them. As I said back then, God inhabits the praises of His people, and since I want Him to be close to us and intervening in our lives, I should try to build a good place for Him to live, as it were. Which means more praise, even if I don't feel like it (which is more often than I like to admit). So we're going to dust off the alphabet game, add a new twist, and give it another go. Here's the new rules -

We start today with "A". Name something that begins with the letter of the day that you are thankful for (that's the new twist). Then, we all join together through the day praising God for the blessing He provides. Simple! They don't have to be deeply spiritual things either - simple is good as well, just so long as you're thankful to God for it.

Each day we'll end up with a long (hopefully) list of things to be grateful and thankful for - and Cherié, Connor and I will take your list, add it to ours, and thank God for them. And we all get to help each other take our eyes off of present circumstances and focus instead on the blessings that God surrounds us with.

So, Cherié started us off with "Air" which we took for granted until a ventilator came into our lives; and then she added "Animals that bring us joy". God placed the animals here to be our friends and companions, and our dog Tank brought her such joy yesterday swimming around in the pool. She added "Arms", as in "God's arms hold us and comfort us"; and "Allies from all over the world that are lifting us up and praying for Connor". That's a pretty good list already!

Now it's your turn - take the time to turn this into a devotion with your family, and make this an opportunity to challenge yourselves to look through your day to find these things. Like the old hymn says, count your blessings - and you'll be surprised at how much there is to be thankful for in the midst of everything else.

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