Day 289 - March 30 - I don't have a catchy title...

Connor was an encouragement to me in an indirect fashion yesterday - he posted Psalm 62:7 on his Facebook account - "My salvation and my honor depend on God ; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." It pleases me to see my son so faithfully trusting his God, even when him doing so highlights how poorly I do the same. Maybe "especially" would be a better word than "even"!

Not much has been going on lately- Connor has been having rough nights for the last few days. Last night he was up from 1:30 with chest pains and coughing - he finally gave up trying to sleep at about 4 AM and got on his computer, and has been up since then. So hopefully he'll get better sleep tonight. Of course, we are praying fervently that he would be protected from infection in his lungs - we remember all too well the days of pneumonia in Fresno, so your support in that regard means so much to us.

Of course, when he's feeling like that, one or both of us are up with him as well. In last night's case (like most nights), it was Cherié, as I had to get up at 0400 anyway to head for work. This is really telling on all of us, and it's days (and nights) like this where we just cancel everything we were supposed to do and try to recuperate all day. So if you're one of the people who get the "we're really sorry, but..." phone call, thank you for understanding.

As you can tell, all three of us seem to be majoring in Exhaustion right now, so your prayers would be appreciated - for rest, and for our health to be protected as well. Additionally, Joélle (back in Chicago) is fighting what may be an inner ear infection, and she is struggling with a bit of discouragement what with the pressures of her classes and the strain of preparing for her wedding. Your prayers for her would be wonderful, as well.

Thank you for staying with us - some days everything just feels so stagnant, and knowing you're traveling with us is encouraging to all of us.

God bless,

Eric

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Day 286 - March 27 - Who is this?

This morning I was at work when my cellfone rang. I looked down at the screen, and it was from home, so I answered the phone with a "hey!", only it wasn't Cherié speaking - it was some strange guy, and he said something I didn't quite catch. So I asked, "Who is this?" and the answer was "Connor"! It was definitely strange to be getting that call from him - it turned out that Cherié was holding the phone for him, but it still took me by surprise.

Connor started the call with "Guess what happened", and wouldn't tell me until I tried to guess. I asked him if it was about him, and he said "Yes, and don't worry - it's good", so I immediately asked if he was standing up. Alas, no, not yet - but he did tell me something exciting he had done this morning...

If you recall, about three months ago we found he could sustain his breathing for a minute or so off of the ventilator, which was very exciting. After that, he did three minutes before his O2 saturation fell too low, and last month he stretched that to seven. Well, today he spent 15 minutes off of the ventilator, and without his saturation dropping below 90%! He even pulled it from 90 back up to 95 without the help of the ventilator! And it wasn't a laborious effort, either - both Connor and Cherie felt that he could have continued on longer than he did!

This probably seems like no big deal to you, but we see these as necessary steps in Connor's healing, and they have exponential to boot - first try 1 minute; second try 3 minutes; third try 7 minutes, and fourth try 15. At this rate of growth he would be off the thing by Thanksgiving, so guess what we're praying for!

So many more opportunities for rehab can come Connor's way once he's off the vent, and so we continue to lift up this necessary step as Connor is restored.

Thank you for your continued prayers,

Eric

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Day 283 - March 24 - New pics

I was reminded again that it's been quite a while since I'd posted any pictures. Since we had taken some while Joélle was home with us, here's a quick photo montage of the family...

The last few were taken at Joélle's bridal shower last week -








Connor continues in good spirits, although he was complaining of his chest hurting this evening. Every time he says that I cringe a bit - I still clearly remember his earlier battles with pneumonia, and nobody wants to go do that again. This isn't like that - it's just an ache that he gets now and again - but I still twitch a bit when I hear it.

Speaking of twitches, Connor continues to have small movements in his fingers and hands. Cherié was researching information the other day, and she found that the little finger, which Connor can move a little bit on command, is controlled through the C8 level of nerves. If you remember, Connor's level of injury is C4/C5, and the docs have always said that if he gets any thing back at all, it will be only one level below his injury. Last I heard, C8 was three below C5! Pretty cool, eh?

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Day 280 - March 21 - Coming to an end

Well, tomorrow Joélle goes back to Chicago - we get up at 0500 to get her on her plane. We've had such a wonderful time, the four of us together, and it's exceedingly difficult to see that come to an end again.

Connor's condition is unchanged. He is excited to see his body remaining strong, despite the months of immobility, and is encouraged and believing God is sustaining his muscles in order for them to be ready for the day he walks again. In fact, we've noticed that he always speaks of "when I get better", and doesn't seem to have the down days that I am prone to. He always speaks life into his condition, which is a gift from God. He's such a blessing to me that way - he's confident in the Lord's intervention in his life and refuses to speak despair into himself. That's a lesson I need to learn...

Connor remains in good spirits and even got out this week to see and enjoy a local production of Les Miserables. He continues to practice his breathing and seems to be covered with a hedge of protection, health-wise. Your prayers are being answered in that regard, as he seems to get healthier all the time. While he at least is still healthy, Cherié has contracted some sort of sinus infection or something, and is struggling to stay healthy in the face of all she does each day. I would appreciate your prayers for her as I hope to get her to stay down tomorrow for some recuperation time. She needs her strength, we rely so much on her around here.

Good night.

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Day 278 - March 19 - Luke 18:1-8

I've really been pondering this passage of scripture lately, because it gives me hope for my son. You see, keeping faith alive is often very difficult, and so I am trying to learn and grasp it's true nature - what it is intended to be, in and through you and me, by it's Maker - God. He surely has intent in giving us faith; He clearly states that a measure of faith has been given to each of us; He often bemoans the lack of faith in His followers; and He even asks (rhetorically, I presume) if He will even find it on the Earth when He returns. So, I can be sure that pursuing faith as a means of growing closer to Christ is an activity approved by my Lord, if you will. He wants me to exercise faith, and I think that understanding what it is and isn't will help me exercise it. So, back to Luke 18...

The thing about this passage that struck me the other day came out of the blue. I was reading and pondering on this story of Jesus telling a parable "to the effect that they ought to always pray and not lose hope", and I was impressed by the knowledge that at the very moment that Jesus spoke this tale to his followers - as the words left His lips - He had me in His mind. That in a very real sense, He was speaking to me when He told this story. You see, if I believe (and I do) that God is sovereign and omniscient, then I must accept that He really knows everything. Including the fact that 2000 years after He spoke these words, His Word would be the salve that my hurting heart needs; that this passage spoken through the ages would challenge and encourage a grumpy, weak and fractious old air traffic controller in the midst of the trial of his life. And that brings a sense of certainty to my mind, that it is intended for me to grasp this truth in order to live it.

Now I said earlier that keeping faith alive is difficult. It's difficult to keep alive in the same sense that it's difficult to stay warm if I keep wandering away from the fire - it's usually my own fault that I'm cold, as it were. But it's still often a real struggle to continue to persevere in my belief that Connor will walk again, and formidable forces are arrayed against my success. First, there's the medical verdict. Then there's the vast number of unbelievers who think that not accepting the previously mentioned verdict is a sure way to insanity. There's also my own intellect, which looks at the visible evidence, finds every reason imaginable to explain why whatever I'm looking at is bad, and then despairs; and let's not forget the family of Christians, or at least those who claim that name - often, they are the least faith-full of the bunch. You might be surprised to know that from this position, you can see in the eyes of many "believers" that they don't actually believe God can or will heal Connor. I think that's the most frustrating bit of this to me - that many of the very folks who claim to be saved through faith don't actually display any.

So, what does that have to do with Luke 18? Everything. Because Jesus tells me - ME! - in this passage that I'm not supposed to lose hope as I pray. That I'm not supposed to give up and stop. Now, why do you think He tells us that? Certainly, I believe it's spelled out at the end of the story, when Jesus asks if He will find this kind of faith when He returns - He wants us to be full of faith and to persevere, and so certainly this story is intended to motivate us to exercise that faith. But the exercise of faith without the fruit is not a legitimate purpose - faith must have an outcome in order to be worthwhile. But what little I know about the nature of God tells me that He doesn't exercise His children for no purpose, and He delights to do good things for them. He even promises that in this very passage, saying "And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night?"

So this passage, meant as it was to encourage us to pray and not give up, encourages me to pray and not give up.

Imagine that!

BTW, you'll be interested to know that Connor's calf muscles, which have slimmed down tremendously due to disuse since his accident, have over the last few weeks begun taking definition again. He can't move them, he can't feel them, and he can't exercise them - and yet they seem to be toning up.

Hmmm...

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Day 277 - March 18 - Too Tired

I apologize, but tonight I just cannot give the brainpower blogging requires. It's nearly 11 PM and it's been a long day, with an early start tomorrow. I'll have some thoughts and info for you tomorrow, I promise!

God bless you and goodnight.

Eric

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Day 275 - March 16 - Nine Months

Think of how many things can happen in nine months. You could complete a whole year of school. You could invade Normandy, storm across France, Belgium, and Holland, fight your way into Germany and be one month away from having Nazi Germany surrender. The Earth will travel roughly 485 million miles in its orbit around the Sun during those nine months. And of course, you ladies can conceive, carry and birth a human baby in that time. Amazing, isn't it?

Today marks nine months since Connor ran down that beach. Nine months of motionless anguish. Nine months of clinging desperately to what we believe to be true. Nine months of nearly constant feverish prayer. Nine months of wild extremes of emotion. Nine months that include some of the most despairing times, the most generous people, and the most spiritual growth any of us have ever experienced. Nine months of thinking maybe today is the day.

Is it really worthwhile to keep trying to keep our faith and hope? Is it worth it to continue to pray for something that many in this world would say cannot happen? Does God have a purpose in this at all?

Of course, y'all know the answers to these questions. So do I, even though I ask them many times daily. God is working something mighty through Connor's situation. We believe we're called to continue to pray, believing that we have received that which we ask for. We believe that God has grand plans for Connor, and that those plans include physical restoration. We continue to ask you to join with us in this.

Lord, I lift my son up to You. He is Yours, to do with as You will. I ask that You will hear the cries of Your people, and the cry of my heart, and stretch out Your strong right hand to touch Connor and restore him fully - full movement, full control, and full feeling. I ask this because I believe Your own words in Mark 11:24 - that I can ask with belief and You will answer. I ask this because I believe Your own words in Luke 18:1 - that You want me to pray and not give up; that You want and expect me to continue asking with faith until You respond. I ask this because of the words I know You spoke to me so many years ago regarding my son and his future. I ask this because of Who You are. So hear my plea, Father. Hear the prayers of all these saints you have raised up around us. Hear, and move. Show this world Your power. I ask this for Your glory, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

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Day 273 - March 14 - Shocking!

So far, it's been a good weekend. Joélle and Connor decided to spend the day together without parents, so they gifted Cherié and I with a few hours to hop on the motorcycles and get out together for a bit. We took off at about 11 this morning and got back just before 4 PM, and got to ride some very picturesque back roads in the area. We only rode about 110 miles, but we had a very good time together doing it. A great big "thank you" to our daughter for stepping up and caring for her brother for us. It was a great blessing.

We got back safely, and spent the evening with the boy watching some TV and chatting away. Tonight something happened that has happened a few times over the last few days - Connor was sitting quietly when he suddenly yelped, startling both Cherié and I out of our seats. When we asked what happened, he told us that he had been shocked badly. We questioned him about it and what he describes is a pain like an extremely painful jolt of electricity running simultaneously down his right arm and right leg. It's very sudden and of short duration, just like getting shocked by electricity.

To grasp this completely, you need to understand that Connor's sense of his body isn't just "nothing". It's not a big emptiness, but rather he says it feels like a great big stuffy blurriness that he can't find any definition in. He can't define his hands or fingers or toes, so he has difficulty visualizing the pathway to move his hand, for example. There's no feedback for him - it's just a great big throbbing fuzziness; like something swollen, as he describes it.

In that background, that he can tell me "a shock just ran down my right arm and my right leg" is really really big, in my opinion. While I don't want him to be in pain, the fact that he could pinpoint where this pain was can only be interpreted as "good". If you ask me, I will tell you that we're excited that Connor is getting these small signs of improvement - as I told him last night, we've been praying that his movement, control, and feeling would be fully restored - and fully restored feeling includes pain. So although in one sense we are sorry to see him hurting, even briefly, in another sense we're excited about the possibilities.

Tonight I feel that I'm supposed to ask you to continue believing and pounding on the door with us. We continue to screw our faith up and believe that we have already received what we ask, and will continue to do so until the day Connor is restored.

God bless y'all.

Eric

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Day 271 - March 12 - Feeling (sort of)

So tonight we were getting the boy ready for bed and he told us he was feeling "weird" again. As you might remember, sometimes when he feels that way he finds a tiny new bit of movement, so we hopped into our usual routine - testing the limits of his motion as much as we can. Tonight, we let him practice pulling himself back from a forward-leaning position, which he can do with a great deal of effort. So he did that, and as he wore himself out I took his hand as if to shake it, and worked on getting him to squeeze it. He wasn't able to do that much tonight, but as I turned his hand back and forth he got "that look" on his face. With Connor directing me, I started tapping on his left hand; and as he concentrated he decided that he could sort of feel a buzzing thumping as I tapped his hand!

It wasn't a crisp, detailed feeling - more of a dull buzz. But it's the first feeling he's sensed below his neck since his accident!

So, another tiny step in this journey - from now on I won't be able to say "he feels nothing below his neck"! Pretty cool, eh? God is faithful and good.

Please join me in thanking Him for this tiny improvement, and continue to lift Connor up for his healing. Thanks for staying with us.

Eric

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Day 269 - March 10 - Where are we going?

Tonight the four of us - Connor, Joélle, Cherié and I - sat and talked about what ConnorWatch is going to look like in the future. We started the discussion because we recognize that the purpose of CW and the blog is morphing from simply a place where folks can easily check up on the boy into something else - just what, we're not completely sure! But it's no longer just a "check up on Connor" site, and we were praying and talking about what that meant.

It was a beneficial and enlightening time for Cherié and I, as both of our kids talked about the various forms of ministry and mission they see this community performing in the future. While we weren't "all in one accord" about every item, it was such a joy to hear them speak about furthering their education in order to be better equipped for ministry, and watch them kick ideas around about how best to be the hands and feet of Christ to their world. Very much of a blessing.

My request for you tonight would be that you would be praying for the Holy Spirit's leading in our lives, and that God would be speaking clearly to us as we seek to do His will with the things He has made available to us.

I would also ask that you be in prayer about how you might reach into your community to be Christ to them in the place where you are. Whether that's a hospital or orphanage or homeless shelter or whatever, I pray that God will be leading each of you out of your comfort zones and into a place of obedient service to your Jerusalem (Acts 1:8).

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Day 267 - March 8 - Plumbing the Depths

Briefly - Joélle got in safely the other night, and we've been really enjoying her presence for the last couple of days. Connor in particular has really been enjoying her company - it's so good to see them together again.

Tonight I want to touch on something I said the other day that has stuck in my head - I made the statement that I believe I'm supposed to plumb the depths of faith. Now, for me that word picture conjures up the idea of submarines, and that conjures up the memory of my brother Brad. Brad's an old submariner from the heyday of the Cold War, so he's got a lot of experience in submarines, while my experience underwater consists of seeing if I can hold my breath from one end of the pool to the other. So he can correct me when I get the facts wrong.

But I can speculate about the underwater world, and draw some corollaries as well, so allow me to ramble a bit.

First, when I say I'm supposed to plumb the depths of faith, I don't really mean "plumb the depths". That phrase literally means to take a weighted rope and measure how deep the water is. That's all well and good, but I don't just want to know how deep the water is. Knowing that there's 3000 feet of water under my keel does me no good if I don't know how to swim! There's so much more to know about developing a functional faith, but where to start?

Well, what else should I know in order to function in the ocean of faith? And why should I know it? Well, the image I have of Christianity today is like a bunch of people floating on the surface of this sea, dabbling and splashing in the shallows, but with no understanding of what lies beneath the surface. In fact, the idea of trying to function under that surface is at the very least foreign, and often is anathema to many believers. And I have to include myself in that statement - a year ago I didn't want to know anything about the extremes of faith. It took an incident on June 16, 2008 to teach me that submerging in the sea of faith doesn't kill me.

Have you ever seen a submarine? Nearly every picture you'll see of a sub is of it plodding along the surface with a miles-long wake behind it. It looks ungainly and awkward - there's no prow to cut the wake, so water pushes right up over the deck. There are these weird, winglike things sticking out like my dog's ears, serving absolutely no purpose except to shade the CO from the tropical sun, I suppose. And that's all you'll ever see of a submarine, and they don't really leave an impressive, well, impression, for lack of a better word.

But that's because submarines aren't creatures of the surface. Floating next to the tender, they look out of place, and not nearly as impressive as an aircraft carrier or a battleship. But that appearance belies the reality - that beneath the waves, the ungainly and awkward submarine becomes a creature of silent elegance, that slides through the deep unseen and lethal, supremely effective for its task. And that, I believe, is a lot like what we as believers are called to be - creatures of faith, which is different from what we often are.

So, a list of the things you and I need to understand in order to be effective creatures of faith -

First, going underwater doesn't kill you; it just introduces you to what you're going to be. A raw recruit in a sub for the first time can decide to either A) focus on the crushing weight of thousands of feet of water over your head and slowly go insane about being underwater; or B) realize that this unnatural act hasn't actually killed you and go about learning how to function in the new environment. Over the last 8 months, I've done too much of A and not enough of B. You too, if you're honest about whatever situation you're in. And when I say "learn how to function in the new environment", the environment I'm speaking of is not the situation - I'm talking about the faith you learn in the situation.

Second, you have to spend time underwater in order to learn to live and function there. And that's nerve-wracking. In the Navy, they make you go down and you don't really get a choice - the only option you have is to obediently do the task you've been assigned, or defiantly rebel. This seems to be an accurate picture of our life - none of us asked to be here, and now we either learn to do what's been required of us, or refuse. Again, you too, in your faith situations.

Three, there's a manual to study in order to learn the basic precepts of submarining. Crack it open and you'll learn where to get your power from, and how to dive the boat, and how to ensure that water doesn't leak in and kill you - all sorts of helpful stuff.

Fourth, the Navy doesn't put you in a submarine, dive the boat, then give you the book and say "come back in a few years when you're comfortable with the information". No, they say "sit down in that chair and do the job". It doesn't matter if you are comfortable or not. It doesn't matter if you want to do the job or not. The only thing that matters is your obedience to the Chief of the Boat. You get to study when you're not on watch and try to get better at your job while you do it.

Fifth, knowing all this stuff isn't worth a hill of beans if you don't know where you are, where you're going, and who you're fighting for.

So for starters, if I'm going to thrive in the ocean of faith, I have to get over being under the surface; I need to take advantage of this time of trial to practice the skills the Chief of the Boat wants me to learn; I need to crack the Manual to make sure I'm learning the right things; and I need to practice it - over and over again until I get it right. Oh, and not forget Who I'm doing it all for. And all in realtime.

You too.

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Day 265 - March 6 - Yet another prayer request

I just got notified that our insurance company has refused to pay for Connor's second ventilator "because it's not medically necessary". For those who might not know, we have two ventilators - one next to the boy's bed, and one installed on his wheelchair. Apparently we're expected to dismantle the vent while he's reliant on it and move it across the room to the wheelchair and install it there each time he transfers into and out of bed. Hmmm.

Apart from what I see as the amazing shortsightedness of this position, I can only wonder what we would be supposed to do in the event that his sole ventilator failed for whatever reason. While I can understand the insurance company's concern (each of the devices costs approximately $40,000), I cannot imagine that the expectation would be that he remain in bed all the time or that we put his life at risk in such a way.

So, this is a callout for prayer support in this particular matter - that the insurance company would not only see the necessity of redundancy in this instance, but also be willing to allow the medicos to direct Connor's care instead of an accountant somewhere. They did leave one loophole, in that they let slip that they wouldn't pay for the second vent "without a prescription". Guess what's next on our agenda!

Thank you for going to your knees for us on this - in addition to the health aspects, the second vent also helps this existence be bearable for us by easing the requirements just a bit. We appreciate your help.

Eric

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Day 264 - March 5 - Countdown

For those who don't know, Joélle comes home from school tomorrow night for Spring Break! She's going to be scrambling around for a couple of weeks, trying to get things together for the wedding; but I just can't wait to wrap my arms around her again. It will be a great joy to have the whole family together again. Please be praying for her as she finishes up her mid-terms and flies home Friday evening.

Connor has been having a couple of days where he "feels weird", as he puts it. He describes it as not quite being able to focus on anything, "almost like deja vu but you can't quite get there". I don't know what that means, but Connor feels a bit off kilter and not normal. Of course we would appreciate your prayers - although we don't think it's serious, it would be nice if he felt better than he does.

Speaking of which, it's a good thing we didn't have the van this week (we got it back from the shop today) - there are apparently some pretty mean bugs floating around out there, to the point that we'll probably hunker down for the rest of the week and try to avoid catching anything.

I was very pleased to see some of the recent comments on both the "Apologetics 101" and "Scale of Faith" threads - you honor me too highly with your words, but I was so encouraged to see the Holy Spirit working in hearts through this story. If you didn't catch the latest, go back and read what a couple of folks have to say.

Speaking of that, I really appreciate those of you who posted on the latest blog after all the hubbub earlier - it takes a bit of courage to speak up and own your opinions, so "thank you" for it.

Thank you all for staying with us through this - you don't realize what a blessing you are to me and mine...

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Day 262 - March 3 - Apologetics 101

When I was at Moody Bible Institute back in the day, I took a class called "Apologetics". Apologetics is not the art of apology, although they share the same Greek root word. The Greek root word means "to make a defense", and the Apostle Paul used it to describe making a defense of the faith. I never dreamed that one day I'd be doing so in a forum like this.

Before I get started, though, some housekeeping. For those of you who don't read the comments attached to the postings on the blog, you missed a doozy yesterday! Some questions were posed to me after my last post, "Scale of Faith", and with good intentions many folks leapt to my defense. After reading over all the comments again, I would say that this is a small example of how the church often works - imperfectly.

One of my pet peeves in this forum is the use of anonymous postings. I feel they diminish our sense of community, and also open up the door for hidden sniping - the saying of things one would never say to someone face to face. I do not place the first Anonymous poster's comments (hereafter referred to as "A1") in this category - I think the poster had a good heart when he/she asked their questions, and that's how I continue to view it. You can see from reading these comments, however, how confusing it gets when even a few people choose not to use their names, and I've mentioned before how I feel about comments directed to me from behind that veil - I stand here in the open, in front of the entire world and lay out my thoughts, pains, feelings - and all I ask in return is the honor of your name. That being said, after witnessing how people jump quickly to denounce contrarian opinions, I can understand why people choose to stay anonymous. I don't think it helps our community, but I understand the motivation. That being said, ConnorWatch WILL become a place where everyone is welcome to openly discuss varying perspectives without name-calling or ostracizing. We WILL - end of discussion. The petty sniping and nitpicking common inside the walls of so many churches that name the Name of Christ will NOT take place here - we WILL endeavor to be like Christ, instead of to be good Christians. I'll be glad to discuss the implications of that statement in the future, if you like.

OK, over and done. All that's behind us now. So let me get to the meat of my feeble thought process this morning - my faith. A1 posted three pertinent questions to me, and I want to answer them personally. Each of them has a very clear and simple answer that requires explanation if they're going to mean anything, so here goes -

Question 1 - Is your faith dependent on the expectation of Connor's full physical restoration?

In a word, No. I don't look at Connor and think "I know God is going to heal him"; I look at Connor and think "I know that God is true to His Word". What word? Well, I believe that the Bible is the living breath of God, the ever-breathed Word of God into the hearts of man. It's alive, it's active, and it moves our souls. And all of it is true. Including the few parts I would quote in answer to this question - Mark 11:20-24. Luke 18: 1-8. Matthew 8:5-13. Hebrews 13:8. I believe that God spoke these words into existence, and continues to speak them, because they are true; because they represent an essential part of God's nature; and because He wants us to understand and live them. So if He says "Ask, believing that you have received it, and it will be done", He means it. Not just 2000 years ago - now. He is true to His Word.

Now I realize that this generates a follow-on question - why then isn't Connor up and walking yet? I think that answer is two-fold - 1) I/we haven't yet grown faith as big as a mustard seed; and 2) God's not done - He's got greater things in store in this process. Please don't misunderstand me - I don't say that Connor's healing is contingent on my faith. But I do believe with all the conviction I own that God has called me to this journey for this purpose - I'm supposed to plumb the depths of faith.

So I believe God will be true to His word. Sometimes, being a fallen, sinful wretch, I have doubts, or wander, or fall away - but my actions don't make God's word any less true - He is, and will be, faithful to His word.

So to recap question 1, No - my faith is not dependent on the expectation of Connor's full physical restoration. But I continue to hope and believe that it will happen as God demonstrates His faithful exercise of His own Word.

Question 2 - Eric, can you share where Connor is on your Williamson scale of faith (or share more specifically about what his spiritual journey has been and where he's at now)?

Sort of. I can't speak specifically about Connor's state of faith without violating his confidence, but I can tell you a few things that have happened over the course of the last few months -

When he first began to get some movement in his hands, Connor told us one morning "I was awake all night wrestling with God and praying, and I have to tell you this - I'm supposed to tell you that God has given me this movement so that we won't dwell on this situation, but know that God has stuff to do outside of me before I'm healed". That seems to show that Connor has a confident hope in his restoration. He also speaks regularly about "signposts" placed in his path to show him he's in a progression of healing. Just a quick example of what he means - we visited another church the other day to say "thank you" for the support they've given to us, and there was a youth pastor there who visits that particular church once every two years or so. When he saw Connor, he walked up to him and told him how he was a walking quadriplegic, who had been in Connor's place and had been healed. He said "We were both meant to be here today to run into each other, so I can tell you not to give up hope". That's what Connor means by "signposts", and the fact that he is seeing these things for what they are is indicative of his state of mind.

I hope that is sufficient - that's about as detailed in this area as I'm comfortable going.

Now, three cups of coffee and an hour and ten minutes later, I'm almost finished. I apologize for the lengthy nature of this post!

Question 3 (paraphrased) - Are you limiting Connor's growth and ministry by your dogged insistence that he walk again?

Sorry, I couldn't think of a way to try to capture all the nuance in your last question, but that mostly captures the gist of it. And the answer is "no" again - anyone who watches us for even a brief time gets the understanding very quickly that Connor is free to say pretty much anything he wants, and he does! Seriously, he and I have fairly regular discussions about the ramifications of this situation and what God is doing in and through it, and I don't believe Connor feels limited. His heart's desire is to somehow serve God, and he really really wants to have his music back to do that. We aren't fortune tellers - we don't know what the future holds for Connor in terms of ministry - but we are confident that God has very great plans for the boy. And we are confident that somehow that will include his restoration.

Wow, that was long. Enough is enough! I expect we'll be back for more on this topic, but I'm gonna go get ready for work. Two hours at the computer first thing in the morning has given me a crick in the neck!

Further reading on my musings on Faith, for those interested:

ConnorWatch: Day 60 - August 14 - My Atrophied Faith - Part 1
ConnorWatch: Day 77 - August 31 - My Atrophied Faith - Part 2
ConnorWatch: Day 118 - October 11 - My Atrophied Faith Part 3

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Day 260 - March 1 - Scale of Faith

One of Connor's favorite television shows is called "Man vs. Wild". If you've never seen it, the host gets dropped off in the wilderness somewhere on Earth with nothing but his survival skills, and he has to survive on his wits while trying to reach civilization. It purports to help you know how to survive if you ever find yourself lost in the middle of the Amazon jungle or the Siberian plains or the Serengeti - the chances of which, at least in my case, are pretty slim. But as entertainment it's pretty fun fare, and Connor and I watch it together when we get the chance.

We watched an episode the other day where the host, suffering from dehydration after nearly a week in the Turkish desert, was out in the middle of a salt flat when it finally began to rain. He showed us how to get fresh water even though he was standing in the middle of miles and miles of salt, and managed to get himself a few swallows of drinkable water. Slightly refreshed, he stood up and looked at the camera and said "But I've got to get off this salt flat if I'm going to survive and find more water and food".

Dang, it's depressing when you can draw parallels between your life and the guy dying in the desert for the entertainment of the American TV consumer! But that story right there describes perfectly our existence. So I haven't posted for the last few days because you can only say "here we are still out in the desert" so many times before y'all go change the channel.

If I look back over my part of this journey over the last 8.5 months, I can see that on the Williamson Scale of Faith, I've moved off of "Screaming Desperation" past "Hopelessness", and am now hovering somewhere between "Quiet Despair" and "Passive Acceptance", with occasional spikes into "Hopeful Belief". So despite the fact that I am quietly flip-flopping back and forth between hope and depression; between belief and fear; between confidence and despair, I want to continue progressing up the scale - away from "Passive Acceptance" and through "Hopeful Belief", into the realm of "Confident Expectation" and all the way up to the pinnacle of my scale, "Mustard Seed".

Because I don't think I've even scratched the surface of what it means to believe. I don't think I have anything like a workable understanding of faith and how it's supposed to interact between me and my God. So far all I've managed is to take a few sips of murky water, but I'm still in the desert.

Which way to the streams of water?

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