Day 230 - January 30 - Should I look elsewhere?

I want to take a few minutes to respond to something one of our fellow ConnorWatch family members posted this afternoon. I do this not to draw attention, but rather because it's a valid question.

The lady in question suggested that perhaps it's time for me to look elsewhere than God for my answers. She then raised a number of questions about why one person experiences suffering while another experiences prosperity. I thought her comments were significant enough to try and respond to, so here we are.

I"m a follower of Christ. I used to describe myself by saying "I've been going to church since nine months before I was born", but that's not a true definer of a follower of Christ. So what marks one as a Christian? Well, first and foremost, followers of Christ accept the Bible as the one and only, true, inspired word of God to men. So because a person accepts this as true, then we can read it to find out what God's message to us is.

What is that message? Well, it can be summed up in a few sentences - God loves us with an implacable, unstoppable love. Because of the sin of pride, which is the root of all the other sins, man's relationship with a holy God has been broken. In order to demonstrate His love toward man, God paid the price of that sin by dying His Ownself in the person of Jesus Christ, the death of God buying the life of every man who will accept that gift. In order to prove that He has the power and authority to forgive the sin and redeem the sinner, Jesus rose from the grave, now holding the keys to death and hell. He is orchestrating the day when all those who love Him will finally experience the relationship with Him that we were designed for, and will return to earth to claim His people.

If I accept the Bible as the true word of God Himself, then I must believe what it says. And that tells me that God offers this salvation, as we call it, freely to anyone who will take it by faith - this revolutionary idea that salvation is given rather than earned. Amazing, and it's the only story on the planet that tells us we don't have to earn our freedom from sin, because that freedom is being given to us for free.

There's only one problem - the acceptance of a gift requires you to decide you need to accept it. You see the movies and hear the stories all the time, of people who are offered something and refuse it because they "don't like charity" or some such excuse. You've probably done it yourself, when someone offered to pay for your dinner or brought you a bag of groceries, or something like it - "no, really, I appreciate the offer but we're fine, really". The reason people refuse free gifts is not from any noble motive, but rather because pride is at work - a tendency to believe "I'm better than that - I don't need help".

And that's why folks refuse to hear the incredible offer of Christ - they're too proud, and their pride prevents them from admitting they need help. So when followers of Christ start talking about confessing their sins and believing on Jesus, what they're really saying is that a person needs to set aside that original sin of pride and admit that they aren't able to live the holy life they desire to live without help, and that the only real help out there that can truly redeem you from your sin is in the person of Jesus Christ.

Once a person can do that, they find that the grace of God sets them free - free from the penalty of sin, free from the trappings of religion, free from every rule and regulation of the Law. And they enter into a relationship with a living person - Jesus Christ . That means a living and breathing relationship, not an institution or a set of rules. If you believe, or visit a church that believes, that being a Christian means following a set of rules, you haven't met the Christ that's portrayed in the Bible. End of story.

So, when I am asked if I should look elsewhere, I have to respond that there isn't really anywhere else to look. I've spent years and years getting to know the person who is Jesus, and I freely admit that I don't know Him very much at all, but each day I learn a bit more about Him. And one of these days I'm gonna look directly into His eyes as He tells me He loves me - really, really loves me - and I will finally know the person of God the way He intended, designed, and desires me to know Him.

Pretty cool, eh? Unfortunately, like Paul says, right now we see as through a darkened glass, and then we'll see Him face to face. Meaning we don't have the whole picture right now, but are called to follow by faith. And that's what I'm trying to do during this most difficult, disastrous, devastating, overwhelmingly desperate situation we're in. It's a challenge - many times I despair of my sanity, and folks who don't know Christ might say I'm insane for continuing. But the reality is that the only thing I've found to be really, truly, completely true by personal experience - the Bible - tells me that God loves me so much He chose to die so that He and I could spend eternity together.

And that doesn't make me a victim, it makes me priceless to Someone. And not because He's in charge, but because He loves me. And so, because in my own feeble way I'm trying to love Him back, I'm trying to obey Him. Not because of rules, but because of love, the same way my children do the things I ask of them. They don't obey me because I made a rule, or because they're afraid of the consequences - they obey because I love them and they love me. It's the same thing.

You know, I'm finally beginning to get a tiny glimpse at understanding the grief that Christ feels when His children refuse to admit their need of Him. It's not caused because of the consequences of these people's choices (and you can be sure He understands the consequences - He's been there and done that). Rather, He grieves because that choice represents a refusal to love the Eternal Lover - a defiant, fist-in-your-face refusal. No wonder He grieves.

So, reader, if you don't know Him as the One who loves your soul, you have never met Him. If you think religion is strict, you're right - so don't do it. Get a relationship with the Living God instead. He's real. He loves you. He really does carry you - even when you despair of your life.

Trust me, I know.

May the Hound of Heaven pursue you with His relentless love.

Eric

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Day 228 - January 28 - Woof.

Did y'all catch the new photos on the front page and in the photo section? Brad was able to get some time to upload a few of the shots I had sent him, so there are some new things to look at in the photo section.

Tonight Connor and I were sitting side by side after dinner, and our dog Tank came over to us for her hourly dose of attention. I scratched her ears and ruffed her neck, and she gave me the cow eyes and that "can I get in your lap?" look. Now, for those of you who haven't yet met Tank, there's a reason we call her that. She's half Labrador and half Great Dane, and not very much lap dog, if you get my drift. Actually, she's a whole lot of lap dog - 140 pounds or so, I'd say. So when she wants to hop in your lap, what she really does is climb up with her front feet and put her face in your face.

Anyway, for whatever reason, i was feeling amenable so I invited her up. She hopped her front feet into my lap, and then began straining toward Connor (a bit of history - it was Connor who saved the mutt from doggy death row, and he's always been "her boy"). As she stretched her head toward the boy, I took Connor's hand and petted Tank's head with it.

And it was just too much for me. Tank jumped down, and I had to leave the room as I broke into tears over the fact that not only couldn't Connor pet his own dog, but he couldn't even feel her fur when I did it for him. Cherié found me sobbing on my knees in the kitchen over the injustice of this for my son.

I know the things I'm supposed to think here. I've heard the well-meant words, and I almost chant them to myself daily - "God cannot use a man greatly until He has first allowed him to be hurt deeply", and other sayings like it. Those things are true, but there are moments and days when the pain cannot be borne; when the unfairness is too much; when no words or prayers or rationalization can soak away the raw and bloody agony. Tonight was one of them.

Ironically, I had encouraged a sister just this morning with the words of Psalm 73, particularly verses 1-3 and 23-28. So, having been hoist on my own petard, I had to heed my own words tonight and remind myself (again) -

Nevertheless, I am continually with You;
You hold my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterward You will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

- Psalm 73:23-26

Thank you for your faithful support for our son and family.

Eric

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Day 226 - January 26 - More tough times

First, a couple of photos now that we have gotten the boy moved into his new room. Hopefully this gives you an idea of how wonderful God's people have been to us in this project...




Yesterday and today have been exceedingly difficult for us. Yesterday, the stress was running so high that none of us could effectively communicate with the others, causing strife and frustration and anger. In particular, Cherié and I couldn't seem to speak a sentence to each other without biting each other's head off. It seems that the weekends are always much more stressful than the weekdays, and the only real difference is that I'm home. I don't know what to do about that, but I do know that Cherié and I desperately need your prayer support. Our marriage is under tremendous strain and we would greatly appreciate all the prayer support we can get. Cherié is without question the best friend I have in the world - yet we squabble over the stupidest things. Neither of us is rested, I throw a wrench into her routine when I'm home, and we exist in this situation in complete survival mode - no time or energy for anything else. Not exactly the most nurturing environment for relationships, and so I would plead with you to add Cherié and I to your prayer list.

On top of that, we had a really full day today with appointment after appointment. Some were good things, others were just things that had to be done, but Connor is tired out from his "long, boring day", as he put it. One of the things we accomplished today was to have an initial visit with a trainer who is going to be helping us with Connor. She's hopeful that the techniques she uses will have a good positive result in Connor, so we're looking forward to working with her.

We also had two interviews with people regarding night nursing - the first with some folks who evaluated Connor's condition and needs to see if the state will help pay for any nursing costs (my insurance won't pay anything in that regard), and the second with a gentleman who is interested in the position. We didn't get a sense of peace about either situation, and so we continue to need your prayer as we try to figure out what kind of nursing help, if any, we need. Cherié and I seem to be of differing minds on this issue, so we especially need God's grace and wisdom as we try to discern the right course of action.

I want to say thanks to each of you for all the praying you do for us - y'all are so faithful to continue with us this long. Like the song says, "I'd have thought by now that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away; stepped in and saved the day - but once again, I say "amen" and it's still raining". So I really, really appreciate your faithful journeying with us.

Eric

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Day 224 - January 24 - 2-tone

Today was spent quietly at home for the most part - Connor and I spent a number of hours (at least it felt like it) fiddling with all the adjustments on his new chair, and trying to figure out how all the features work. It's a pretty impressive piece of technology, although we'd all trade it in a heartbeat if we could do without it.

The highlight of the day was the visit we had from one of Connor's nurses back in Fresno. This lady and Connor had struck up a special friendship while he was in the ICU back at CRMC - she was his favorite nurse and friend, so it was a real treat to have her and her daughter come all this way up here to say "hi" to the boy.


As you can sort of see from her picture, her hair is what inspired our nickname for her while we were there, and she accepted the moniker with all the dignity she could muster! We visited with them for a couple of hours, and had a great time doing it.

Tomorrow we're going to try to get Connor moved into his new room, so hopefully by this time tomorrow he'll be safely enjoying his new digs. I really must remember to go take some photos so I can send them to Brad so he can put them up in the photo album so you can check it all out. I guess I need to tie a string around my finger...

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Day 223 - January 23 - I've gotta quit procrastinating...

OK, it's now been three days since the last post, so I'll try to make up for the lack of quantity with some quality instead!

The morning of the day that Connor had the strange sensations and movement, I was heading off to work at about 0445 and listening to some music before I called my mom for our morning chat. I heard a song that just spoke to me, and I thought "I need to tell Cherié about that when I get home." But of course, after eight hours of Air Traffic Control, it had slipped my mind and I didn't say anything.

Then Connor had that situation I wrote about in my last post, "Coincidence? Not!" And I thought "Man! I should have told her! I'll tell her now!" but the opportunity never arose as we first prayed and rejoiced with Connor, then spoke with Joélle on the phone, then got Connor ready for bed, then... well, you get the idea.

So each morning on the way to work, I've started the drive by listening to the song again, and each afternoon I've done the same on the way home. I ended up telling Cherié and Connor the next evening, but by then it had lost its impact. Each time I listen to the song, I also think "I should blog this" just 'cause I think it's cool. So finally, after three days, here I am.

Here's the song - "God will lift up your head" by Jars of Clay...

Give to the wind your fear.
Hope and be undismayed.
God hears your sighs and counts your tears.
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head.

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command.
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong
How strong is His hand.

Through waves and clouds and storms,
He gently clears the way.
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy.

These words have been such a balm to me over the last few days. Somebody remind me of them in a few days when I need it again!

Connor finally took delivery of his own wheelchair this evening. He hasn't actually gotten into it yet, because there's a bunch of set-up and adjustment to be made, but it's lightyears ahead of the loaner he's been using from the hospital. I will make sure to get some pictures when he finally gets up into it tomorrow.

Another advance on the movement front, too! Tonight Connor was waiting for dinner and had turned his computer off, so he had a glossy black screen in front of him, acting sort of as a mirror. While he waited, he was exercising by trying to move his shoulders, and he suddenly called us into the room. He told us to watch his neck below his trach strap, which would be the part of your neck right where it joins the shoulder. As we watched, he tried to move his shoulder, and we could see the tendons stretching in his neck! That hasn't happened since June! And it's significantly lower than we've seen any movement before. We checked his right side as well, and while it isn't as strong, we could identify it on that side too. Pretty cool!

So, we continue to thank God for faithfully moving, and continue to persevere in our prayer for Connor's healing. I remind myself daily of the persistent widow - which parable Jesus told to his disciples, according to Luke 18:1, in order "to show them that they should always pray and not give up."

Please continue to pray with us for Connor's complete healing. God is moving!

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Day 220 - January 20 - Coincidence? Not!

I want to relate something that happened tonight that freaked us out just a bit, amazed us, and excited us all in about five minutes. Tonight as we were watching TV and getting ready to go to bed, Connor was looking very introspective, like he was studying something, when he suddenly announced that he felt weird. Cherié asked him what he meant by "weird", and he said "I feel like I'm about to get up or start moving something new". Well as you can imagine, that brought the conversation to a stop and I began to pray while Cherié spoke with him to see what was going on. I had been praying for only about 30 seconds when Connor's cellfone chirped, indicating a text message. I reached over for some reason and grabbed the phone, and there was a text from Joélle. It read "So, any new movements/feelings/improvements??!!" I kid you not - right at the moment Connor said what he said, Joélle was prompted to ask that question and send a text message. That was the "a bit freaky and amazing" part. I set the phone down and got on my knees, lifting Connor up as well as rebuking the enemy and praying for Connor's faith and courage. I also began lifting up the people who have been praying for us, that the Holy Spirit would prompt them to stop and pray for Connor at that moment.

So, what was the exciting part? Cherié helped Connor sit straight up in his chair, away from the backrest. Without assistance, Connor leaned forward a couple of inches, and then was able to pull himself back up those couple of inches! Using his chest and back muscles, I guess. It was astounding to watch, and we were shouting with joy and praising God as Connor made clear movements under his own efforts. And efforts they were - he was completely exhausted from it, so he is now in bed and we're in the midst of his "get to bed" routines.

Cool, huh? So we're a bit "up" right now. And the best part came afterward. I finally responded to Joélle, and she immediately called us. We had her on the speakerphone, and she told Connor how proud she was of him. Then she asked him "are you proud of yourself?", and for the first time in over seven months, Connor said "yes".

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Day 218 - January 18 - Big Bad Brad to the rescue

I watched the comments of the "7m +1d = 2long" thread with interest - after different points I'd feel a bit miffed, then a bit mollified - and I was planning on posting this post tonight with the desire to make sure we remain the blogchurch we want to be. One where everyone feels welcome to journey along with us, and not one where folks were reprimanded for speaking their hearts. When I got to the computer to do so, however, I found that Brad had once again stepped in (like the big brother he is) and said what I wanted to say only better. So thanks Brad, for putting out the incipient fire!

In regards to the comments on that thread, I want to answer a few of them briefly, primarily the statements that you only hear from me and it would be good to hear from Connor himself. I agree - Connor will (I assume) someday blog here and tell you his heart and his journey. As of right now, however, he chooses not to do so. I have asked him to do so, and that's all I will do - I will not force him to do so, for that would defeat the purpose. I'll leave it to the Holy Spirit to prompt him to the point where he's comfortable with the idea. And until then, I won't post much about what he's feeling, either, primarily because I'll get it wrong. It's not my place to pour out his heart, or Cherie's, or Joelle's - I can only pour out mine. All three of the others have a standing invitation to blog anytime they desire, and both the girls have done so on occasion. But when they do, it will be completely because they feel led to do it, and not because I want them to. That's the only way their hearts will be heard.

One writer in that thread did put a finger on one of my biggest personal struggles, that of my outlook. I have a propensity to see the glass as half empty, and I also have a temperament that fluctuates wildly, and can border on depression. These last seven months have increased that tendency, and it is difficult for me to keep my viewpoint balanced. It's something God continues to work on in me, so bear with me in that. In fact, I've decided that from now on, I'll only post updates like this -

"Things are fantastic today!!! I can't imagine how things could possibly be better!!! God is so good to us, we just keep getting our socks blessed off left and right!!!! If He was any more wonderful to us, we'd grow flowers out of our backsides!!!!!"

OK, I'm kidding! But I will (continue) to try and stay reasonably balanced, and consistent with my oath to tell the truth about where we are. Hopefully that will suffice.

Finally, I will repeat my plea for identities with your comments. It is easy to throw criticism toward me and my family from behind the veil of anonymity, but it's like sniping from the shadows. I have laid out in plain view everything my heart goes through, setting it in public for the world to see and pick apart. The very least you can do for me in return is to do me the honor of your name when you offer a counterpoint. I don't mind hearing what others think of what's going on - I just want to know who is saying it. The rule of thumb is this - if you would say it to my face, say it as if to my face, where I can see who it is. If you would only say it behind my back, either put your name on it or don't say it at all. If you feel strongly enough about your point of view to believe it, you should back it up with your name. Because quite frankly, if you don't think it's worth putting your name on, is it really worth reading?

So, now that that's all over, here's where we're at tonight - Connor, Cherié and I just got done watching a stupid movie together, laughing and groaning interchangeably depending on how bad the script was. The boy's in bed now after a long day - church, visits with friends, and all our routines. One of the questions we were asked repeatedly today was if Connor's in his new room yet, and the answer is "No". I've sent some photos to Brad for posting, and I'll plan on inundating him with some more tomorrow, but the gist of the story is that we're getting close to move in date. I'll make sure to post up photos and notifications when we do.

Thanks for caring about us and about the boy. Even when we have differing viewpoints, I still covet your prayers and your support. So thank you for being part of the journey with us.

Good night.

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Day 218 - January 18 - No Shadow of turning with Thee

I awoke remembering hearing my husband climbing into bed late last night. He was saddened, but happy at the same time, for a young man who finds himself in the same situation as Connor. This young man, after two weeks, is now getting toe movement upon demand. Saddened.."Do you hear us, have you forgotten us, do you see Connor Lord?", and yet Happy..."This boy's journey may be much shorter and easier than Connor's." He then rolled over and curled up into a ball, and fell into a restless sleep.

Obviously we don't desire any family to go through what we have been going through. From the moment I heard of their story, my heart ached for the family. We had been pushed off that same cliff they were now finding themselves clinging to for dear life. However, we are much farther down the trail. We know where the dangers are, we know where the predators stalk and loom. And we know where our real refuge lies when we become weary on the path. Will this journey ever end?

We woke up to a good morning (although shadows loomed over us) and were able to get up and out to church. We attend Morgan Hill Bible this morning. We just really wanted to thank all the folks that have been praying and helping in so many ways. It was so nice to finally put faces with the many names we read on the blog. It was an amazing service. The message was all about suffering and how God uses it, and the pastor used Elijah as the example. Something that really struck a chord in me, was that God doesn't forget us, and that pressures, or trials, can sometimes mean God finds pleasure in us.

Pleasure in us? So He "punishes" us? At least that is what the human mind would think. But God didn't forget Elijah in the desert, even though the brook went dry. He wasn't punishing Elijah, He was teaching Elijah that He is the God that gives and takes away, and that He is all we need. All over the Bible you read things like,..." I will give you a hope and a future." "I will supply all your needs." "I am sufficient for you." "See the birds of the field, I take care of them, how much more will I take care of you." ... and the list goes on. Why is it so hard to trust and believe our God loves us more than we could ever love our own children? He does!! He was faithful to Elijah. The message was exactly what we needed. We needed to be reminded "that this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." (2 Corinthians 4:17) And so the shadows were lifted from our spirits.

I awoke to a song running through my head. "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" The words of the song echoed through my soul as I was sleeping. I was singing in my sleep. God was singing to me... "I am faithful. Child, I am faithful. I have not forgotten Connor."

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see; All I have needed Thy hand hath provided, Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto ME.

Cherie'

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Day 217 - January 17 - 7m + 1d = 2Long

Yesterday marked the seven month mark. 217 days of misery. 217 days of trying to muster the strength to carry on another day. 217 days of trying to hold my family together in the face of disaster. 217 days where the question "Why don't You move, God?" is never far from my thoughts and my lips. 217 mornings waking up thinking "Maybe today's the day", and 217 evenings going to bed thinking "Well maybe tomorrow". 217 nights fearing the alarms, 217 days wishing I'd gotten more sleep. 217 days trying to remember that God actually does care about Connor and the family.

It's midnight, and I find the situation we're in to be extremely depressing. I'm also so tired I've (once again) fallen asleep about five times since I started, so I'm off to bed. I'll try to write something worthwhile tomorrow when my brain s functioning like it's supposed to...

Eric

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Day 215 - January 15 - How did it go?

Cherié and Connor spent the afternoon with the social worker as he evaluated our situation. At the end of the interview, he told Cherié that we would be approved for at least 235 hours of caregiving a month. If you figure 40 hours a week, that's roughly 1.5 full-time people helping each month! So that was a blessing, and an answer to prayer. Thank you for your support.

We'll be figuring out what this is going to look like for the household over the next few weeks. Please be in prayer that we would have wisdom as we make decisions, and that the right folks would be found who will be just the right people for Connor and for our family.

We'll keep you posted as things develop.

Good night!

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Day 214 - January 14 - Rough nights

Connor ran a fever most of the night last night, for no really apparent reason. Fortunately it seems to have broken today, but the last couple of days have been tiring for him. He spent yesterday sleeping in bed, though he did get up into his chair this afternoon for a few hours. He's pretty tired tonight, as he got little sleep last night. Cherié says she saw every hour of the clock last night.

This week marks the first time that someone outside our family is coming in regularly to help Cherié each day. In Cherié's words, "What a blessing!!" She is a close family friend and fits perfectly into our family. She is helping out Monday through Friday, from 10-2 pm. Although we miss our sweet, loving, and quirky daughter, our friend is going to be a wonderful help and much-needed extra hand around here.

Please be praying for us and our nights - a number of things seem to indicate that spiritual warfare continues to be a matter of concern for us - there have been a number of things over the last few days to confirm that we must remain on our guard and be prepared spiritually to stand firm. We remain convinced that God is working in and through Connor for His glory, and any such thing will draw opposition. Please continue to support him and us by providing prayer cover for us. We thank you.

Tomorrow afternoon a social worker is coming by to evaluate us to see if Connor qualifies for financial assistance for caregivers. Please remember that in your prayers as well, that the interview will go well and that a favorable result will come about. Right now, we are paying for our help out of our pockets, and help will be gratefully accepted. So we are praying that God would be faithful and gracious during this evaluation tomorrow afternoon.

Thank you.

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Day 212 - January 12 - Psalm 57

This was written when David was hiding from Saul in the cave. I'm pretty sure my troubles don't begin to compare with being hunted like a dog around the country when you are innocent of the charges against you, so I figure if David can write this thing in those conditions, the least I can do is try to live them...

Psalm 57 -

1 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me!
For my soul trusts in You;
And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge,
Until these calamities have passed by.

2 I will cry out to God Most High,
To God who performs all things for me.
3 He shall send from heaven and save me;
He reproaches the one who would swallow me up. Selah
God shall send forth His mercy and His truth.

4 My soul is among lions;
I lie among the sons of men
Who are set on fire,
Whose teeth are spears and arrows,
And their tongue a sharp sword.
5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.

6 They have prepared a net for my steps;
My soul is bowed down;
They have dug a pit before me;
Into the midst of it they themselves have fallen. Selah

7 My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and give praise.
8 Awake, my glory!
Awake, lute and harp!
I will awaken the dawn.

9 I will praise You, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing to You among the nations.
10 For Your mercy reaches unto the heavens,
And Your truth unto the clouds.

11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.

I like how he repeats the phrase to convince and remind himself in verse 7!

So I have a new favorite...

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Day 211 - January 11 - A good day

For those of you who have been praying for us as Joélle goes back to school, thank you. She has gotten safely back to Chicago and established in her room with her new roommate (who also happens to be a very good friend of hers), has located all the stuff she left at Moody last Spring, and we've successfully tested our Skype connection (video phone over the internet), so she's as set as she can be. Classes start tomorrow. Yippee. 8-)

The rest of us had a pretty good day adjusting to her absence - we went to the auto show to see the new cars, and the boy got a close look at a 1.8 million dollar Bugatti (which probably won't find its way into the garage any time soon...).

It was a good afternoon together, which shows that y'alls prayers are being effective. Thank you!

For those who have been trying for a Connor sighting, be advised that the other day Cherié saw a van identical to ours in the Safeway parking lot here in MoHill. I don't know if it's local or not, but it's a bit weird - we thought we were the only folks nearby with one of these. So to help with your identification, Connor's van sports this decal on the back window -

Tomorrow marks the first day that Cherié will have some regularly scheduled help around the house, as a friend is coming on to help carry the weight while I'm at work. She's going to be doing much of the work that Joélle was doing, which will allow Cherié to focus on the boy's needs, so that's a good thing. As you might expect, however, having one of his mom's friends at the house doesn't really replace the relationship Connor is missing now that his sister's gone, so please continue to pray for the boy in that regard. I would ask that you would pray specifically that God would fill that gap in Connor's life, and bring new and old friends up alongside to help mitigate his loss.

It's almost eleven, and I'm up at 0420 to go to work, so I'm off to bed. Thanks so much for your faithful support - we covet it desperately.

Goodnight.

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Day 209 - January 9 - Contemplative Struggling 101

That's going to be the name of the course I've decided to teach if I ever become a college professor. The core of the curriculum will be my experiences this week, during what I can only describe as one of the most emotionally difficult weeks since June. It still pales in comparison to Week One of this nightmare, but I have to give it high marks for trying.

All y'all know everything that's going down this week in the Williamson family, so I won't go into it all again. Instead, I want to discuss a bit about what I've been thinking about when I've opened the scripture over the last couple of days.

I've been slowly working my way through Psalms, and many of you know that you can't really rush the Psalms - they kind of go at their own pace. I'm currently in the 50s, and it sometimes takes me a bit of time to digest what I'm reading. Especially with the low ebb my spirits have been at over the last week or so. Psalms is a good place to hang out when you're like that, and so yesterday morning I was feeling way, way down - 0530 in the dark, without enough sleep, alone, in the middle of winter - the most depressing point of the most depressing time of year. And once again I am struggling against despair and doubt and hopelessness, and I open the Bible to my Psalm of the day, number 53. What does verse 1 say? "The fool says in his heart "There is no God". Hmmmm. So I squared my shoulders (again) and faced the day.

This morning, I crack the Bible again - now on Psalm 54. And I read verses 1 and 2 -

O God, save me by Your name, and vindicate me by your might. O God, hear my prayer; give ear to the words of my mouth.

Now we're talking! So I keep reading, and get to verse 4 -

Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.

Well, Lord, it doesn't really feel like it, but if you say so...

So I finally get to verses 6 and 7 -

With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to you; I will give thanks to your name, O LORD, for it is good. For he has delivered me from every trouble, and my eye has looked in triumph on my enemies.

And I thought "What's a freewill offering? That must be an offering that's given of your own free will."

"But what would you offer?"

"Well, the sentence doesn't end there - it keeps on going about giving thanks."

"Dangit, I hate it when He does that!" Because just an hour earlier, as I was saying goodbye to Cherié before I headed out the door, she told me I should spend the time on the way to work thanking God for all the things He has done for us. Of course I didn't do it, which shows you what an excellent wife I have and what a lousy husband I am. But anyway, here I am an hour later, getting told again to offer thanks. There's only one problem - I don't want to.

Which is where the sacrifice comes in. So I purposed to start then and there to make a sacrifice of my attitude and offer my thanksgiving, even at this low point.

I wish I could tell you that everything was suddenly all rosy and peachy and like that, but I'd be lying. But I will tell you that I had enough strength to get through the day, and to do it in a fashion which was honoring to Christ.

So tonight, I give thanks.


...MASSIVE SUBJECT CHANGE...

Connor spent the day with his sister. Tonight they said goodbye to each other (I leave for the airport with Joélle at 0530), and their tender love for each other made me proud at the same time as it brought me to tears. God has really blessed us - with family, with friends, with a blogchurch full of people who somehow have become something like family to us.

Thanks, Lord.

Good night.

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Day 207 - January 7 - A Bitter taste

Three days. I think that's the longest I've ever gone without posting something to the blog. I'm sorry about that - it's a tough week.

This week is the last we have with Joélle before she goes back to Chicago this Saturday. In many ways, this is the last time our daughter will live with us - Spring Break, then three weeks in May, and she's married. And while I am rejoicing with her in this time of her happiness, part of me will be watching my little nine-year-old girl walk down that aisle. So sending her back to college this weekend is a pretty big hurdle for her old man here.

It's also going to be a big impact on the boy. Joélle and Connor have been best friends since childhood, and she's been nearby ever since June. So this separation is looming large, and we don't really know what kind of burden this will put on Connor. If I have any prayer request tonight, it's that you would be lifting Connor up as his sister leaves; that God would raise up someone who will help fill that particular void after she goes; that Connor would find comfort and solace in God's Word; and that Connor's friends would step up to help fill the gap left by Joélle's departure.

You know, we're each impacted in some way, and being tired makes it all seem harder to deal with. So I guess I'm trying to say that we really, really, really appreciate each of you - your prayer, your encouragement, your words of scripture, your support. We thank God for you each day.

Eric

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Day 204 - January 4 - Football?

Do y'all watch football? I used to watch a lot back in the day - I've been a Cowboys fan since nine months before I was born - but nowadays I don't catch too many games. But Connor and the family caught part of the wild card game yesterday between the Colts and the Chargers. The Colts seemed to have a much better team - they were effective and organized, and we watched the Chargers play just mediocre ball. They had some unbelievable turnovers, simply giving the ball away; they made some really bad play calls; they even had one play where one of their defensive players trotted off the field instead of actually sticking around and doing what he was supposed to do. That one allowed Indianapolis to score a touchdown - pretty much a freebie.

By the end of the fourth quarter, the Chargers were losing 17-14. But they kept their heads in the game - they got thrown for losses and kept coming back; they fought and refought for the same yardage as they struggled down the field, and tied the game with a field goal with just a few seconds left, forcing the game into overtime.

The Chargers kept the steam going, and they pushed and pushed their way downfield in OT until they scored a touchdown and won the game against (what I thought) was a better ball club. And the reason they won was not really because they had a better team or because they deserved it more - they won because they wanted it more and wouldn't take no for an answer. Even after an hour of getting beat up and battered, they kept putting their heads down and did what they came to do - win.

Y'all are smart enough to figure out the little pep talk I'm giving myself here, so I won't elaborate much except to ask you to continue to pray for us. It would be so easy to simply give up and quit - quite honestly, none of us have the endurance or perseverance for this life, and we are desperate for your prayer support. We don't like screwing our courage and faith to the sticking point multiple times daily, and we are regularly oppressed by despair, discouragement, and depression. So this is just a simple request for your prayer cover.

Connor spent another quiet weekend at home, for the most part. We had a good discussion the other day with the whole family, and the consensus was that we know God is doing something important through Connor, and we believe that this is a trial that is necessary for Connor to go through in order to become the man God desires him to be. So I am also asking that you begin to lift Connor up specifically - that he might have a thirst for God's Word, that he would have a desire to know Him, and that he would pursue God's purpose in his life fervently. Please also pray for me, that I would be able to effectively lead and minister to the boy in these areas. If you want to prove that God's got a sense of humor, just take a look at the notion of having me try to lead someone significant in a spiritual sense - it's like getting Groucho Marx to help Billy Graham to know God better ("that's the most ridiculous thing I ever hoird"!)

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Day 202 - January 2, 2009 - Dead Man Walking

It's the New Year, the time when we're all supposed to make some resolutions to try and keep all year long. Last year at this time, Joélle purposed to go a year without drinking a soda, and yesterday afternoon we watched her take a sip of her first Dr Pepper since 2007. I'm pretty impressed with her willpower!

For most of us, however, our resolutions peter out around February 1. I used to wonder if the reason was that we knew, deep down in our hearts, that whatever we were trying to accomplish wasn't really that big of a deal, and so we just let it slide. But I see that even really important resolutions, like "I'm gonna read the Bible every day" or "I'm gonna pray for my kids every day" seem to drop off the RADAR screen even faster than "I'm gonna wash the car every week".

Which got me thinking, "Why? " Why do we fail so badly to carry out our desires, even when they're patently very important? And the answer I come up with is "Well, it's because we're failures".

Allow me to demonstrate. I can't even stay awake long enough to effectively pray for my son's healing, something that is more important than anything else in my life right now. I am unable to love my wife the way she deserves. I exasperate my kids ALL the time, even though I'm not supposed to. In other words, I suck when it comes to actually doing the things I know are significant in my life. Hopefully, I've got a bunch of really honest, introspective readers today, and you're all able to admit that you're in the same boat, but if you don't think you're that much of a failure, go read Romans 3:23.

Now traditionally, what I (and many others) would do at this point is say something along the lines of "well, I just need to be a better Christian". Have you ever heard anyone say "that guy's a good Christian" or "you sure are a good Christian"? I hear those sorts of things a lot, and after thinking about it, I've decided that the idea that we need to be good Christians is a lie from the pit. Why? Because we aren't called to be "good Christians"; we're called to be LIKE CHRIST.

I can hear the objections now - "but those are the same thing"! or "well, that's what I mean when I say "be a good Christian". And my response is a categorical No. No two things could be farther apart than being a good Christian and being like Christ. What's a good Christian? One who goes to church every time the doors are open, and who does all the right programs, and is involved in small groups, and is an upstanding member of the community - who keeps all the rules, and looks good doing it. A "good Christian" defines their Christianity by what they do - not by Who they know.

Don't get me wrong - doing these things isn't bad in and of itself. It's when it becomes the end instead of the means that the lie appears. And that seems to be where many, many followers of Christ wind up - sitting in the pew each week, doing all the right things, and comfortable that their good-christian-ness is what they're supposed to be about. But it's not.

What should someone who is "like Christ" look like, then? Well, Jesus actively ministered to every person he came in contact with. I don't mean "witnessed to" or "evangelized" or "invited to church", I mean "took the time to see the person, determine his or her need, and address it in a fashion which brought glory to God". While he spent some time in the synagogues and the temple, most of his ministry was in close contact with sinners - whores, and beggars, and people with nasty, nasty sicknesses. And tax collectors too! So I ask myself where I spend most of my time, and if the answer is not "helping the people that are right around me", then a strong argument can be made that I am not very much like Christ.

So I should make a resolution to be more like Him this year, right? Nope. Resolutions are all about my efforts, and pretty weak ones they are. And it's pretty clear from the Bible that I can't be like Christ - Christ has to be Christ inside of me for it to work. Like Paul says in Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Hey, wait a second - if it's no longer I who live, doesn't that mean I'm dead? Yep. Check out Colossians 3:3 - "For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God". Past tense. If you're a follower of Christ, you, like me, are a dead man walking. And if Christ isn't animating all of my movements, then I'm just like one of those shuffling corpses in the B movies from the 50s. Because I "have died", and if Christ doesn't live in me, then all I have is a poor substitute for living.

So my New Year's resolution this year is really more of a decision to give up control rather than try to do more. I want to "let the peace of Christ rule in (my) heart" (Colossians 3:15); I want to "let the word of Christ dwell in (me) richly" (Colossians 3:16).

Only one problem - I'm a back seat driver. In order for someone else to drive, it's necessary for me to allow them to. So pray for me! I'll be praying for you...

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