Day 561 - December 28 - Feeling Cheated by God
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
And yet I feel left, abandoned, forsaken.
"The Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and are saved."
And yet I feel like I've run to the tower only to find the door barred against me, and now I'm banging on the door to be let in while the darkness looms up behind my back.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
And yet I have come to Him, repeatedly, for 561 days, and there has been no rest. No respite. No relief from the wearisome burden.
I know people who have done this sort of thing for much, much longer than I, and amazingly, they aren't insane. In fact, they are much more confident in God and His provision than I am. Frankly, I don't know how they did it. I feel that I am losing confidence in my God each day. I feel like He is failing me and my family. I can read the Bible, and I can see that it tells me otherwise, but shouldn't God's manifestation of provision in someone's life actually be IN their life? Shouldn't God being here with me mean that's He's actually here, and not that I have to remind myself every minute or so that God is here even though I can't tell He's here? It seems like God ought to be more than that...
"Arbeit macht frei".
That's German for "Work makes you free", and it was written over the gates of many Nazi concentration camps during WW2. Apparently, if you were a Jewish prisoner, you were expected to adopt that attitude and then you would view your imprisonment, torture, starvation and death, and that of your family, with a better understanding of your fate.
Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. No amount of attitudinal change could make the situation inside the concentration camps acceptable. But that's often how I feel about being constantly encouraged to believe that God is working Connor's situation for good - how can this possibly be good?
Even as I sit and write this, I cringe a bit - you're not supposed to voice doubts and concerns about God like this, are you? Well, the only answer I have to that (and since you're reading this, it's apparently good enough an answer for me) is "Either God is truly God, and can handle my questions, or He's not, in which case it doesn't matter."
Basically, it boils down to whether I believe there's a God or not, and whether I believe that the Bible speaks truly about Him despite what it feels like. Day after day, I speak the words "Where are You, God?" without an answer. I've done it so long I forget to wait for an answer. So this morning, as I open my Bible to read, I pray "Lord, speak to me in Your word today. Let me hear what it is You want me to hear." Then I open up the book to the place I'm reading today, Psalm 14.
Verse 1 says this - "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God'".
OK, OK, I hear You.
Would it be OK if we could feel the truth of Your word now and again? Please?
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 6:17 AM
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14 Comments:
I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3
The new song is coming. I'm continuing to pray with you all and to trust God for it.
Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver [them]! O LORD, make haste to help [them]!
Psalm 40:13
You're in good company with your questions/doubts. The Lord saw fit to preserve many laments for us in His word as well as become flesh and dwell among us to partake of all that we experience. Christ Himself asked "Why have You forsaken me?"
I just read through Psalm 77. Here are a few questions Asaph asked: "Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favourable no more: Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies?" His remedy was: "I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings. Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God? Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou has declared thy strength among the people. Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people..."
Continuing to pray for you all through these difficult days.
I got this in a Christmas card and had to share.
Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statment meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week, the woman called a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She did not mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The women thought about God holding us in such a hotspot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
He answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destoryed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, How do you know when the silver is fully refined? He smiled at her and answerd, Oh that is easy, when I see my image in it.
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
Eph 1:10
Why do you feel you are not feeling God's blessings? Why do you feel you are not being heard by God?
Because your life is difficult?
Because Connor is not healed?
Because you feel cheated?
Why do you feel God is not with you?
Hi Eric: Thank you for being brave enough to post what many of us believers in Christ feel, even just in getting through daily struggles...let alone the kind God has asked you all to go through.
I read a book which helped me bridge this seemingly great divide, called "Reaching for the Invisible God" by Philip Yancey. I don't mean to flippantly recommend a book to suit what you're going through, but perhaps it will help in some way.
I have to confess to not praying for you and Connor lately, my sincere apologies! Back at it!
Blessings,
Lynne Piper
Houston, TX
Eric,
After a long hiatus from commenting, I feel compelled to jump back in on this post.
You might find the writings of Viktor Frankl (in particular, Man's Search for Meaning) compelling if you feel that an attitudinal change cannot make an impact on surviving a concentration camp. It won't make the situation "acceptable" (especially not in the sense that the Nazis apparently meant with "work makes you free"), but Frankl shows that such a shift in attitude can make even a concentration camp endurable - even endurable with grace... and this from the man who was a pioneer in the field of "existential psychotherapy". Our calling is to not just endure, but to endure with joy (??!).
That said, I cannot pretend to know how I would survive in your shoes (much less Connor's) - but I do know that God's mercies are new every morning, meaning that I don't need to have the grace to survive the crucible until the day that I enter it... and I do firmly believe that it will come on that day, and that I will (eventually) be able to count even that day "all (unmixed, whole) joy" (James 1:2).
You're right - it comes down to what you believe. Faith has to bridge the gap between what we feel and what we know (someone infinitely more reliable than whoever welded those signs above those camps said "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32.)
Lord - increase our faith!
I forgot to include the following in my previous comment: Frankl spent over 2.5 years in various Nazi concentration camps. He started out working as a general practictioner, but was eventually asked (!) to create a psychiatric unit "to help newcomers to the camp overcome shock and grief" (see here for more info).
Here are some quotes from his writings:
“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
“When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.”
“What is to give light must endure burning.”
Even though many months have passed since the first day I set foot into my son's ICU room... I still ache for my son. Daily I cry, but press on... and only for him. What mom wouldn't? He daily puts on a smile for me, even though he is always fighting some kind of pain... Did I say "Always"? He is always in some sort of pain, and yet tries to smile and press on. Some days it is more overwhelming, and he just can't do it. He tries to stay strong for us, and for his friends..... but when his sister comes around he lets go of it all, and allows himself to feel the pain of his situation. So when you ask "why do you feel God doesn't hear you?". Or "are you upset because life is difficult?..... You hit a nerve in me! Are you lacking sleep? Do you live with real pain daily?, Are all of your plans and dreams crushed? Did God take away all of the gifts He gave you in music? Has He taken your breath? I know He hears, but I don't understand why He seems to allow pain, sorrow and grief in His children. So I press on... sleeping an hour at a time, waking in the middle of the night, all night, with a smile to greet my son. God gives us just enough to make it through the day...and so we will keep going... searching, watching, listening and waiting on our God. And yes, I do still cry out, with my son... Do You see us? What gives me hope, is the fact that true men of God, the Psalmists, cried out to God in much the same way... and yet they still knew that God was and is still God. Were they wrong to show their feelings? I don't think so.
well said, Cherie. it's hard to be here- watching you all go through this. we all have had burdens to bear, some maybe even as heavy as your own, most- not so much. but burdens not the less. and we all have- or will one day- cry out to God 'Where are you? Don't you care about me?'- and not really 'hear' anything at all. it is not wrong for Eric, like the psalmist you pointed to, to question and struggle and doubt and waiver in faith. it's part of our human nature. it would be hard to grasp you NOT doing that from time to time. we are trying to 'feel' as you are feeling, and fall terribly short- and at the same time, we don't really want to feel it either. it is so difficult to understand. our hearts ache for you ALL. we do know that your faith in God is NOT dependent on whether connor is healed or not. there is nothing anyone can say to 'make you feel better'- although we all wish we could, and try to- failing miserably. no human words can bring you the relief that you desperately desire, need, ache for. so we sit by, praying for you- which seems like doing nothing much at all. i, for one am sorry at my helplessness, and strange 'voyerism' in this- your lives. but i will continue to pray, and believe in healing with you all, and quietly cry with you, doubt with you, get angry with you.. and try to understand it all with you. loving you and never ceasing to pray. we will not give up- and will lift you all up- especially at times such as now, to Him who understands ALL of your feelings- even when others cannot.
christine
We can only imagine what you all are going through. I know that if we were going through something so life altering, and to see our own boys in the situation Connor is in, how could we not at times question God, and cry out to Him for help, or become depressed and discouraged, wondering if God is even there.
We want you to know that we care about how hard this is for all of you, and want you to know that we are constantly praying for you, and asking God to help you through it, and to heal Connor.
And as it says, in Gal. 6:2, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." We are to laugh with you, cry with you, etc. I pray we can do that well, so you can feel encouraged and know your Christian family is walking with you through this extremely difficult time.
We constantly have you in our hearts and in our prayers. We won't stop praying for you all.
Love you in the Lord!
Kim
my heart aches for you. I don't go often without thinking about ..How are you doing?? How is Connor?? How Lord..are they able to walk this trial out?? On a daily..hourly..i'm sure minute by minute..
You are sufferring..all of you..I have never met anyone who has "suffered much"..who would ask another "sufferer"..How can you question God?? You people..amaze me..All of you..You show us how to keep going..when our life's test..cause us to question "Where is God"..i'm reading a book..just chunks of it..It is called.."Where is God..when we hurt?" by Philip Yancey.. He talks about the sufferer's..feelings of abandonment by God..by people..by other believer's..
Cannot imagine how you have endured thus far.. What you show me is this...There is a God..because i see Him work in you and through you...
Even when you don't think you see Him or feel Him...WE SEE HIM IN YOU..You make Him very really to us..because you are living out His strength on a day by day basis..
today read this scripture and may it comfort you.."Against all hope , Abraham believed".. Rom 4..
May you feel the strength of our God..today..
We love you.. and will keep praying..
Love
Kathy MacPhail
I am praying for you all.
Chelle
Sending my prayers to all of you. I think your questions are healthy and reasonable. Our friend with a C5 injury is 6 years post. His family has had and continues to have your lament. SCI evokes these questions, doubts and struggles.
I have no answers but send all of you my prayers. My only unsolicited advice is that you need to reach out for trained caregivers to give you a break. Your wife hurt her back....you are exhausted from hourly caregiving. It does 'take a village' to care for someone with a SCI, and that is from someone with C5 rather than C1-C2 experience.
While you wait for the Lord to bring healing... please... get some help and call in the village. Nothing will change your reality today, but sleep can't hurt.
Praying for all of you.... constantly because you need it.
Blessings,
Louise
Dear Eric,
What I admire is your dynamic relationship with God. Your openess is raw and honest. It is real.
I will continue to pray with and for you all.
All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. ~ Julian of Norwich
Revelations of Divine Love
May the Peace of the Good God wash over all,
Mary Jane Renz Schleich
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