Day 484 - October 12 - The Watchman
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.
- Psalm 130:6
Yesterday I read some of a post on a blog supporting another young man who is in a situation similar to Connor's, and one of his parents was writing about their disappointment that there had not been greater improvement in their son during the nine months since his accident. They went on to write about how they had really hoped to see more improvement by now, because "the closer we get to the one year mark the scarier it becomes because progress slows after 1 year". As you know, Connor is nearly 16 months post-injury. I look at this other young man and at nine months post-injury, he breathes on his own and can move his arms. If where we are right now is the best we can hope for, we are well and truly...well, let's just say that times like these make me understand the need for vulgarities.
At the age of 19, is this the end for Connor, for his hopes and dreams? Is all he has to look forward to for the rest of his life focused in a chair? Is the only variety in his life to be whether it's his mom or his dad that helps him eat the next meal?
Until Connor's accident, I stood one or two midnight shifts each week, and nearly every shift there was a period when time decided to stop moving. You'd be sitting there trying to stay awake, and take a look at the clock, and it would be, say, 0247. So you'd go back to trying to keep your eyelids open, and you'd do that for about an hour before you looked at the clock again, and the clock would say 0249. And you'd sigh, and go back to trying to stay awake, with only one thought on your mind - "come on, five o'clock", because that's when the watch would change, and you waited eagerly to hear the door open and know that your relief had gotten to work. Just a few more minutes and you could head for home.
Nothing moves. Nothing changes. Time has stopped, I'm sure of it.
I was reading over Cherié's shoulder when I read that other blog. I read the sentence about how progress "slows after one year", and I commented to my wife "Well, it depends on who you believe". Yeah, doctors will tell you that you're done after a year.
But God has told us to wait.
Wait.
"Wait".
God, this is hard.
We're waiting.
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 6:37 AM
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10 Comments:
My girls pray EVERY night for Connor that he would walk. We believe. Allie (5) prays every night for Connor's mama's back. I know you hear it a lot, but thank you so much for posting every couple of days. I don't know how you are able to do it emotionally. Hold on to your God, the giver of all hope!
Family,
I am 5 years 8 months post injury and I have regained more movement. You are right it is who you believe in. I have been following their blog too and I hope they will see this here as well. If you feel movement keep moving. I have visible movement, though small, in my feet and toes that wasn't visible 9 months post let alone 16. I felt there was movement at 2 months but no one saw it. If Connor is experiencing movement, ect. getting a standing frame is crucial to continuing the connections. Trust me my inpatient Physical Therapist, who is now Dir. of P.T. at Craig's Hospital, was on pins and needles when I told him 4 months after being released. Keep working, you are all on the right track. Remember your injury is different from anyone else, even if it is the same level!
Here in the trenches with you!!!!
I can't stop thinking of the song "Out of the Depths o Lord I cry to You" from Sovereign Grace Music. The song is from the soul, and the inner desires of Christians to see our God heal our broken lives and give us strong faith! I pray that today is different, that you would gain more insight into God, that Connor might have more movement and development in his healing, that God would grant you and your family more and more grace for these hard times. And something to you Jessrun, I would love to know you more, you seem like an amazing person,by the way, that you can be dealing with a neck injury and have the heart to give others such encouragement and advice! May God bless you as you reach out to other people affected by injury! Oh and here is the song by Sovereign Grace:
Out of the depths, O Lord, I cry to You
When I am tempted to despair
Though I might fail to trust Your promises
You never fail to hear my prayer
And if You judged my sin
I’d never stand again
But I see mercy in Your hands
So more than watchmen for the morning
I will wait for You, my God
When my fears come with no warning
In Your Word I’ll put my trust
When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit
I will wait, I will wait for You
The secret mysteries belong to You
We only know what You reveal
And all my questions that are unresolved
Don’t change the wisdom of Your will
In every trial and loss
My hope is in the cross
Where Your compassions never fail
SCI is so very hard. Our friend with a C5 injury, but limited bicep function, is 6 years and a few months post injury. He's had limited recovery in his arms but does have some leg movement but nothing that could be called functional return. Still, from what we've read, it's not one year it's a two year window for recovery.
And, I don't know how to ask this question without appearing insensitive or rude, but....why do you think God will heal Connor specifically?
Doesn't our friend, who has a strong Christian faith and family, also, deserve isn't the correct word, but some how qualify, for God's intervention? What about the millions of other Christians who believe in God and His ability to heal, who are also patiently or impatiently pleading to God for restoration and relief from the burden of a SCI?
We've been praying daily for our friend since his injury and we also lift up Connor and your family and the thousands who deal with SCI daily. As your blog has so remarkably described, SCI is a tremendous burden and challenge for all involved.
We continue to lift you up in our prayers. I hope my question isn't viewed as rude... I truly am seeking to understand where your faith that God will restore Connor is founded. I'd love to find that basis of faith for our friend.
Louise
Louise,
Not rude at all. In fact, a real response to your question will most likely be the subject of my next blog, so "thank you" for it. I'm not going to try to answer it right now, as I don't have the time to do it justice. So please keep an eye on the blog over the next few days and hopefully I'll answer that one for you.
Also, if you want to know some of the reasoning which helps form the foundation of faith for me, I would direct you to the Forum page of the website. By clicking on the Categories tab, then selecting the "Understanding Scripture" section, you will find four articles I wrote between August 2008 and May 2009 about faith and what the Scripture has to say about it. I think those articles give significant insight into the way I believe followers of Christ should approach the subject of faith.
Thank you for journeying with us through this valley, and with your friend as well. I appreciate your thoughtful interaction here. Hopefully I'll be able to offer you something that makes sense in response to your questions.
Eric
Hi there..
My heart is so moved when read your blog and hear your heart..I often find myself often thinking of you and "wondering...how on earth are you coping?? How on earth do you live ..everyday?? The questions...the wondering..the fear...the doubt..the anger..hurt..?? I still cannot imagine..how your "everyday" feels..
Then I have to go back..to GOD..He gives you the strength to endure..The hope which we base our lives on..the peace to handle this incredible..life altering situation.... My heart cries out for you and also..we are believing right along with you..that it is ONLY GOD ALONE WHO CAN CARRY YOUR BURDEN AND GIVE YOU THAT CONFIDENCE THAT HE HAS THE POWER TO HEAL..TO DELIVER..TO RAISE THE DEAD...It is truly in God alone!!!
I'm currently in a bible study and the teacher was closing with these comments that so comforted me and have been ringing loudly in my ear..
She said...we often WAIT..for the "event" to happen...For a baby if were infertile..or a marriage to take place if were single..or a job to come if were unemployed..etc.. We put our trust in the event to happen...and we quickly loose our "strength"..We get tired of the wait..we are so discouraged when the "event" hasnt happened and we loose faith..trust..hope...But when we WAIT UPON THE LORD...He said he will renew our strength (our hope)...
She closed with Is. 40:3l..Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength"...
I have been daily reading the verses starting from 25-31..They have been my food this week..and may the word encourage you that we are to "keep waiting on the Lord..
I looked up the word "wait" and wrote these definitions down and am keeping in my bible..
Wait: To stay in place or remain in readiness or anticipation..(sound like some people i know)..
to be ready..to remain undone for a time...To Be..
I love those definitions...because they encourage me to keep doing..what God has shown us...We don't wait for the "thing"..we wait on a God..who loves..who instructs...who promises!!!
We love you dearly...
Kathy MacPhail
"At the age of 19, is this the end for Connor, for his hopes and dreams?"
No matter what God has in store for Connor, the answer to your question is NO!
Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) at 21 years old. Obviously that was not the end for him, considering he's pushing 68 years old at this point. Teddy Roosevelt didn't stop dreaming after polio. Christopher Reeve didn't stop dreaming after his SCI.
I honestly think that until God does what He's going to do for Connor, this time is an opportunity to do less physical things and more PT and cerebral things. Perhaps this is Connor's time to prepare for whatever is next.
Donna
Tumwater WA
Even if you don't hear from some of us regularly, or as regularly as you used to, it doesn't mean we don't have you so often on our hearts and minds. Thank you for being so consistent in your blogging.
Lifting you up in the name of the Great Healer.
Claudia Rizzi
A few months ago my husbands brain tumor became active. With almost every feeling I have or every thought I have I could find a song that said it all for me. Often I would wake up in the morning and for some reason the Lord would put another song in my mind and in my heart. After reading this post it made me immediately think of the song that John Waller wrote and was later used in FireProof. While I'm Waiting I am sure you know it.
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
I continue to lift you all up in prayer.
Sandy Beeler
Eric, Cherie' and Connor--I am tired after sitting way too long in traffic tonight in the rain but I read w/ great interest the posts for today. What a blessing each of them was to me--so often we ask "Lord, how long?" but He has also said to us that those that wait on the Lord will be renewed and given strength.
How the Lord chooses to use Connor and what degree of healing he will have is in His hands--as hard as that is for all of us to understand. We continue to pray for his healing, none-the-less, knowing that He is our strength.
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