Day 463 - September 21 - Exciting, Depressing, and Frustrating - All at the same time

First, "thank you" to all who have made their knowledge available to us concerning the fabrication issues - we are already in discussion with a friend here in town who has stepped up to offer his services. We'll be getting together with him this week to start the process! But you can also bet that I've kept track of all the names of everyone who offered, and I'll come a'runnin' if I need to! Thanks again for so many generous offers.

Yesterday, for the very first time since June 16, 2008, I clearly sensed that I received an answer to the continuous cry of my heart, Connor's complete and full restoration! If you've been here for long, you know that we continue to believe that Connor will get out of that chair again, and that God will see fit to set him upright once again - fully, completely, whole. And over the last 15 months, much has happened - our faith has been challenged, it has ebbed and flowed, we've been asked how we'll know, and it's been suggested that the answer to our prayer is "no", but we are just refusing to hear it. In addition to all that, our own belief has been stressed, tested, challenged, dragged down, picked back up again - in short, I think we've gone through just about every emotion you can go through when it comes to hoping for something. And this entire time I have never once felt that my prayers were even heard, much less answered, and much more less answered the way I desire to see them answered. So what happened yesterday?

I got up yesterday morning with the intent that we would go to church. So of course, the morning had its difficult moments, but we got through them and headed off, and all the while I was under this sense that Connor's accident and situation was all my fault. You see, last year when Connor decided to go to camp, I felt he was really going only because his girlfriend was going, and he wanted to go to. I wanted Connor to go to camp for a better reason than that, and I almost told him he couldn't go, but I didn't say anything. And yesterday I was feeling oppressed by the thought that if I'd just spoken my mind and "been a better spiritual leader in my home" (how's that for twisting a good thing into a lie?), this whole situation would never have happened. Now sure, sitting here and reading this, you think "how could he think that? Doesn't he know that God is in control, and that this situation has happened for His glory?" And the answer is "Yes" - I know that. But it's different when you're being oppressed by those thoughts, especially when the morning he left for camp, I came together with Cherié and prayed that this camp would be a life-changing event for Connor. So yes, even though I know that God controls all things, I often still feel responsible for Connor's situation.

Anyway, that's how I was feeling when we got to church yesterday, and my spirit sank further as we sang "How Great is our God", to the point where I had to choose to continue singing even though I didn't see Him do any of the things the song said He did, even though He didn't seem great because He didn't answer our prayers. I felt like if I chose to stop singing, it would be a choice to quit believing. But I sang the song through, and guess what happened. Nothing. No heavenly angels singing around me, no bright light blasting into our lives, nothing.

So, when we had finished singing, that's usually the time that they make available for people who want prayer to come down to the altar and somebody will pray for them, but yesterday they did it different and just said "if you want prayer, raise your hand, and then somebody near you will come pray with you". I was so washed up, I didn't even raise my hand, even though we've got a lot of things that need praying for. But surprise - as I'm sitting with my hand on Connor's, just silently screaming out the cry of my heart to God, suddenly the pastor is there with the boy, and he begins to pray.

Now, I'm just praying along, not really engaged with the two of them but just praying in my head - praying to the same silent, unanswering God I've been praying to for the last 15 months, and as I do, a verse comes into my head. It's a verse I've heard a million times since June last year. It's a verse y'all know well, and it's a verse that has helped us over rough spots in the past. But this time, it wasn't just a verse - this time, there was a sense that it was being spoken into me; that at that spot, in that moment, the words were a response to my words like in the middle of a conversation. You know how when two people are talking, and you say something and the other person responds, and it's the most natural thing in the world? So natural that you almost overlook it because it just fits into the conversation so smoothly that it's just 'right'? Well, this was like that. Not a big divine revelation, but a conversation.

I wish I had the language to describe this stuff - English doesn't have words for what I'm trying to describe - the words I have to use are so limited. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this time, hearing this verse this time - I knew it as an answer instead of just hearing the words. And I knew it in a slightly different sense than I've heard this verse before. I don't believe I put this meaning into it, I just received it the way I received it. It was strange and I am really having a hard time describing it.

So what was the verse, already!!! What was this "answer"? Well, for the first time in 15 months, I believe that God responded to my prayer. I believe that God spoke to me through His word, in my head, yesterday morning at church. And what I believe He said to me was written down by Isaiah a long, long time ago -

They who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

God didn't say "no". He didn't say "yes".

But He did say "wait".

He also said "they shall walk and not faint".

Just so you know, in ATC the word "shall" is an imperative, meaning "required to do". If we say a controller "shall" do something, that means he or she has to do it - it's required. For 25 years the word "shall" has meant "it's required and will happen" to me.

They shall walk and not faint.

Please pray for us as we wait. Maybe wait with us for a while, too. That would help.

Love y'all,

E.

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