Day 452 - September 10 - Yet another long night
Connor is having such pain in his neck and shoulders that he was up every 15 minutes from 0100 to 0530 this morning. Cherié "slept" on the sofa next to his room for the first part, then I took over to give her a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I'm struggling a bit to understand what our response to all this should be. I find that I alternate between two mindsets - one of concern (that's the Christianese word for "worry", by the way) for my family - not just for Connor's health and welfare, but each of our relationships as well - there's a lot of strain in our relationships, and we often have difficulty finding good ways to minimize or dissipate it. It's like the rigging of a sailing ship; as the wind blows harder, the ropes stretch and stretch and stretch until they're as hard as iron, and even just a little more strain will cause them to snap. I suppose you might say that's what rope is for, but that doesn't take away the fact that the more strain on a rope, the closer it is to the breaking point. This even spills over into our relationship with Joélle in Chicago, although it manifests there in different ways. So on one hand I'm "concerned" about my family and its health, as well as my son and his situation.
On the other hand, I sometimes get into this zone of "Well, God's got us here for a reason, so do what you have to do". You might think that's a good place to be, but the more I think about it, the more it sounds like the way people complain where I work. They say "well, that's the way it is; get over it" with this fatalistic shrug of the shoulders, as if to say "there's nothing you can do about it, so live with it. Nobody's making you stay here - there's the door if you don't like it".
Now, I don't really think we're supposed to be fatalistic about God's plan in our lives. Shouldn't there be something more to following Christ than "well, I guess now we're gonna do this thing that I don't understand, don't like, and don't think is necessary"? I spend inordinate amounts of time at work trying to convince my employees to trust that the FAA has a larger plan, that the small inconvenience of the moment fits into a larger scheme that makes sense; but much of the time I don't really believe it myself, or at least not wholeheartedly. The bureaucracy of the government means that either there really isn't a "big picture" at all, or that us small "cogs in the wheel" people had better just shut up and do their jobs if we know what's good for us.
Is that the picture of God's plan for Connor and the family? "Shut up and do your jobs"? I find that hard to swallow. But lately my sense of this time in our family's life is like the Sargeant's response when the Private starts to complain - "Shut up and soldier, soldier".
Isn't there something else? Shouldn't there be something else?
On a less heavy note, my big brother Brad - ConnorWatch website guru and all-around handyman - and his wife Margaret will be arriving this evening for a few days' visit. This will be the first time they've seen Connor in person since his accident, and we're really looking forward to seeing them again. Please be in prayer for all of us this weekend - for Connor's health and condition to be sufficient to allow all of us to enjoy the time we have together, and for protection as two groups of people from different parts of the country get together and share germs. 8-) Seems like every time extended family gets together, we trade illnesses, just by virture of getting together! So please be praying for Connor's health through this time.
Thanks, y'all. Love ya.
E.
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 6:20 AM
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8 Comments:
Wow, you've brought up a tough subject. You know, I think the most important thing is being honest with the Lord. That is, if a situation is trying, difficult, aggravating, disgusting, we need to tell him how we REALLY feel. I've never been in your shoes, but I HAVE dealt with difficult situations before. I always think about how Jesus taught us to pray: "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth AS IT IS IN HEAVEN." I personally deal with some quirky little health issues that can be very annoying. I remember the prayer and say, "Thank you, Lord, that there is no sickness, no pain in heaven. I will NOT always deal with this pain and discomfort. Let it be on earth as it is in heaven."
And in the past, I didn't used to be honest with God about how I was feeling about relationships around me. I was concerned about feeling angry at someone, because I didn't feel it was "right". Then the Lord helped me to realize: I NEED TO BE HONEST!! Shortly after that, I was very angry at someone. I went for a walk and I told God, "God, I'm SO angry at that person!!" I wouldn't have been able to do that in the past.
I believe in believing, in grabbing hold of the reins, in grabbing hold of life itself and holding on and not letting go!! We live in a CRAZY world, full of pain and sin. My desire is to believe for the best for myself and others. And I let the Lord know when I think that something STINKS!! He's not shocked by how we feel.
I'm not sure if all of this relates to what you are going through, but I thought I would share. I continue to pray for all of you.
By the way, I live here in Morgan Hill, and I hope to meet all of you someday. It would be nice to meet you in person.
Have a BLESSED day in JESUS!!
Your friend,
Jody :>}
Eric,
I'm so sorry to hear of the night Connor had, (and you and Cherie') with his intense pain. I've been praying that his pain goes away, "not gets worse!"
It'soo hard to understand sometimes the things we have to go through in life. Boy, it's hard not to ask, "why?" I know God has reasons for what we go through, but it sure is hard to see at the time.
I sure liked what Jody had to say above. Life sometimes, is plain tough! We long to be in Heaven and away from some of the grief and pain we have to go through.
And I love the verse Jody used, "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth AS IT IS IN HEAVEN." And I too feel and pray, "Let it be on earth as it is in heaven."
I know in Heaven we're not "holding on for dear life." That's sure how we feel here so much of the time.
I guess if we can feel we're, "holding on to Jesus for dear life, and clinging to Him," we can make it through. I know He's there for us to, "hang on to!"
So I'm praying that life will start feeling "more like Heaven" to you. So you won't feel you're "at the breaking point!"
We'll be praying that you have a wonderful time with your brother and "sister," these next few days. And that everyone will stay well.
Constantly in my prayers!
With love through Him!
Kim
Something that has begun helping me in difficult situations is realizing that it's not about me, but about Him. Even my understanding of Rom. 8:28 has changed as I read in 29 what the "good" is that is being worked out, i.e. "that He may be the firstborn among many brethren." In other words God's overriding purpose in all of history, from the smallest detail to the greatest generality, is to exalt His Son and focus all the glory on Him. In the process we reap many benefits - a major one being to become conformed to His image.
It's remembering the big picture with hope and assurance that even the "worst" things that we can experience here are working together for His glory, that get me through.
Praying for you.
In Him,
Violet
After all the theology of the past 3 posts, there is not much I can say except "amen" and wish you a better night's sleep as well as a wonderful (but healthy) visit w/ Brad & his wife. His computer genius is awesome! Wish I could absorb a little of it just by reading everyday. God bless you all.
Thanks for the FAA illustration. I guess in both cases, Eric...both are out of your control, and out of your hands. The good news is that we believe ultimately both are in God's hands. Now, I know you know that.
Sometimes when I struggle and can't understand the "wrongness" and pain of a situation, I just have to hold on and again to choose what the Bible says. Sometimes I hear myself audibly saying...."I can't fathom this God, BUT your Word says.... Praying back His Word to Him is like holding on to the last cord that has not broken on that tight rope/cable. I pray that God's grace would be poured out on all of you dramatically this weekend, and know you will have a BLESSED and refreshing time with your family. I haven't commented for a long time, but so appreciative that you "flesh" out your walk and faith before us all.
Bonnie
I, too, pray for a time of refreshment with family and a renewal of your minds and hearts as you're ministered to by Brad and his family.
A friend and I were talking recently about the things we pray for and I confessed that I rarely, if ever, have thought to pray for healing for myself for numerous physical impairments that plague me. But I'd never really wondered why I haven't prayed for those things. After much discussion, I ended up realizing that I guess I've just surmised that there was something valuable to be gained from the process of pain, so I just didn't pray to be delivered from it. Does that make any sense? It seems the things I pray for have more to do with learning more submission to God, more dependence on Him for each breath I take, more patience, more opportunity to find Him in the details of it all, etc.
You pose some great questions as to the why's and wherefore's of it all (and your posts are always full of things to mull over and contemplate in prayer). I wonder: if we COULD see the purpose of it all--how would it change us? Would we love God more, submit more fully? Or would we be angry and unwilling to be part of it? It seems He gives us enough to keep our faith in balance as we watch His ways unfolding and we can just abide in Him and let Him use the time to conform our character to His.
As others have posted here, I SO look forward to heaven with Him! To a place devoid of pain and away from this life that seems clouded with such mystery. How incredible it will be to see and know Him fully--not having to wonder and speculate about Him at all! In the meantime, we're being transformed, little by little, by the renewing of our minds and hearts in Christ.
Praying for you all. Is there any way at all that you guys can get some qualified night help? If you could both sleep through the night, have time to lay in bed and visit etc. How refreshing that would be. I can't believe that there isn't something available for him.
Charlene,
There is much available for him, however with that opportunity comes more to consider.
Since nurses do not love Brother like we love Brother, they would not go the extra mile to make life more comfortable for him.
This means waking him at all hours, turning lights on and off - just treating his home like a hospital room. We considered this in the beginning and actually interviewed people, but came to the conclusion that we would rather be tired so that he could have a more normal life.
[and really, by "we" i mean my parents, since I live so far now]
Hope this helps.
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