Day 432 - August 21 - Won't You Come?
I was driving home from work the other day and had a fantastic time of worship traveling down I-880 (this must be the week for weird stuff). I had my iPod on "shuffle" - I often let it randomly move through my playlists, and when I do that I pray that God would bring to me words and songs I need to hear as it trips along. So the other day I was doing that, and a certain song came on. Now, I have to tell you that I'm often tempted to skip past songs I don't particularly like or want to listen to when I'm doing this, and I always have to tell myself "You asked to hear from Him - maybe You should listen to what comes along to see if those are the words He wants you to hear!". That's what happened here - I wasn't really in "the mood" to listen to "Meet with Me" by Ten Shekel Shirt, but I let it play.
A brief aside - when we have sung that song at church, I often find myself a bit riled at some of the lyrics - the part where they sing "won't You come, won't You come and fill this place?" Color me anal-retentive, but God has promised to never leave us or forsake us, so begging Him to come into a place where we are has always struck me as redundant. Yeah, I know - I over-analyze things too much.
Anyway, so this song started playing, but I was determined to hear Him speak if He wanted to do so through this song, so I listened to the lyrics even though I've sung them a hundred times -
I'm here to meet with You. Come and meet with me.
I'm here to find You - reveal Yourself to me.
As I wait, You make me strong. As I long, draw me to Your arms.
As I stand and sing Your praise, You come, You come and You fill this place.
Won't You come, won't You come, and fill this place.
Here's where the good part starts. I've always sung this song at church, in a big room with lots of other believers. And, being the literal-minded man that I am, I've always taken it to mean "this place where we are", like the big room or the sanctuary or whatever. But this time, when that line was sung, I realized that every time I speak about the situation my family is in - every time I try to describe where we're at in this journey - the only phrase I've ever found that remotely helps describe the moment we live in has been "this place". As in "God's brought us to this place..." or "I don't know why Connor's been brought to this place". And when I thought that, suddenly this whole concept of asking God to fill "this place" changed for me. I wasn't talking about God coming and squeezing into my car and filling it up - He's already there with me. No, suddenly I was talking about Him coming and filling this big, empty, scary, depressing, frightening, dark, lonely and heart-rending "place" we're in. And that's a completely different ball of wax.
What a revelation that was! And once I got that part, then I saw that the previous lines made even more sense - now suddenly I'm not sitting here waiting for God to show up; now the waiting we're doing fits into the lyrics instead. Now "as I long" isn't just a phrase - now it actually has meaning because I understand the concept of longing, because I do it every day. So in the span of three minutes, this song went to the top of the charts in my "must play" list (I sound like Casey Kasem)!
I've probably listened to that song 25 times since this happened 36 hours ago. It's become another cry of my heart - that God would fill - operative word "FILL" - this place we're in. He's already here - we catch fleeting glimpses of Him now and again - but I want this place filled by Him, so there's no room to move without running into Him. So I have to move in Him instead of around Him. So we can't feel anything but Him, because He's so surrounding us. That might make even this torture bearable...
Connor spent last evening saying goodbye to some good friends who are off to college this weekend. He puts a good face on it, but you can see it hurts him to see his friends leaving. Would you please pray that the Lord would see fit to bring new close friends into Connor's life? Also, please be praying for him as he seeks to use this downtime God has given him - that he would have wisdom to decide what things to pursue, as well as what course of action he should take during this very confusing time.
Thanks for staying with us,
E.
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 6:27 AM
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7 Comments:
I was reading in Rally for Allie about a peer support group she attended and was wondering if Connor has had the opportunity to receive some help in that way?
I know you trust in God to do it all, but most people in your circumstance reach out to Doctors/professionals for counseling, guidance and in Connors case peer support. I believe you are depressed Eric, and could get help for this medical condition.
We will continue to pray for Connor and all of you!
Your sister in Christ!
Kim
Eric,
Ahhhh, now you have the idea....I absolutely love this post. And while I certainly agree with and support the idea of counseling, etc, especially Christian counseling, I believe that when we as believers are willing to "share in the sufferings of Christ" ( a very narrow road, indeed, that few are willing to travel) that one of the "holy" benefits (as our friend Job discovered) is that we will See Him.
Bless you and yours...
Kathleen Froess
Monroe,
Thank you for your concern. I decided I'd try to give you answers to some of the questions you have, to try to raise everyone's awareness of where Connor and the family are at. First, regarding the "peer support group" you mentioned. I believe you're referencing the thing that was called a "peer support group" at Valley Medical Center. Both Allie and Connor were expected to attend it once a week while they were in the rehab center, which I know Connor did, and which he despised. According to Allie's mom Deborah, Allie felt the same way. You see, Valley's idea of a "peer support group" was to lump anybody with little physical capability into a group and call them peers. Connor's was comprised of a couple of older gentlemen and a very angry young woman, and what they did each week was learn to use a mouthstick by playing cards. That was the extent of the "therapy", and on top of that Connor was the most severe case of the group (I believe Allie was in that situation too) and all it did to him was highlight his extreme loss. In his, and my, opinion, there weren't any peers and there wasn't any support.
So let's talk about now - Connor is as surrounded by true peers as we can manage - he is welcomed at church every Sunday we can get there - he has one very good friend who works as his caregiver three days a week (and is often here more than that); he has many other friends either over to the house or off doing something with him at least a couple times each week, and on Thursday evenings he attends a meeting of college-age friends at another friend's house for dinner, discussion and prayer. His true peers have stepped up mightily to help.
Do I wish there were a way for him to be connected with someone who could identify with his particular situation more? Sometimes. I think it would be good for him in some ways. But so far that situation hasn't arisen.
What about me and Cherie? Well, I think you're right in that I do struggle with depression a lot, even though I know better. So we take much the same approach as Connor - we lean heavily on our friends to help. I've got a good friend who I talk things over with often; I've got another friend who works as a personal coach, and if what she does isn't counseling I don't know what is! We talk about the things going on a lot. And most of all, I've got a daughter who is about to graduate with a pre-counseling degree and who intends to specialize in crisis counseling, and you can't begin to know what a blessing she is! On top of all that, Cherie and I even tried a marriage counselor for help with this situation, and decided that if all it did for us was help us talk to each other, we might as well save the money and just talk. Seems to be working out so far...
Finally, to speak of depression as a medical condition implies a medical solution. Believe me, I've thought about it, but I personally have a significant roadblock to doing so, if I were so inclined. As soon as I were to begin taking an anti-depressant, I would lose my medical certification at work. And as soon as I lost that, I would no longer be able to perform my job tasks. And 12 months after that, the FAA would remove me from my job and let me go, and with it all my medical insurance and everything else. I've put 25 years into this career, and I can't toss it away because I want to take some medication. So that option is off the table.
I hope this explains a bit of the background behind many of our choices. But I have to close with the observation that all of this situation is orchestrated by a Person that is called Wonderful Counselor in Isaiah. He is available to hear me, he is faithful to help, and he keeps good office hours! 8-)
I could have no better counselor than Him.
I applaud you for reaching out and reaching up. Many people spend years trying to stuff things down into the dark places and hope it will go away.
I think our God uses us at our weakest to be stronger for others. He takes our broken parts and asks us to share with other broken people.
Is there any way Connor could be associated with others in or near his condition? To use the strength he has shown through this to minister to another young person would be a great blessing. From what I have seen and heard, he would be a great influence to others.
I will also suggest to you in the most loving way from one christian to another the following group.
Celebrate Recovery. www.celebraterecovery.com
This is a christian based 12 step program that I have joined recently. I have found it invaluable in working through my hurts, habits and hang ups. It causes me to pause and ask the tough questions and then reach up to God for the answers.
Just a thought guys....hope it helps and please know that you are always in my prayers and your perseverance and daily strength is amazing.
God Bless,
Kathleen
Thank you for your honesty and also your update on where your family is at---I praise God not only for the wonderful church family he has surrounded Connor (and you) with but also the friends he can spend time w/ during the week. I know he will miss some of them as they go to college--and he also is missing the experience that they are having. For me, that's kind of a "been there, done that" but for different circumstances.
I totally agree with you that you can't be taking medications d/t your career and that taking time to talk--just the two of you is invaluable. Professional counseling and peer support groups are wonderful in the right situation but are not for everyone. I appreciate every post in this regard--knowing that God made us all as we are and He knows what / whom we need.
May God continue to bless you as Connor makes progress & as He works in your lives. I am glad that his breathing / 02 sat seems better again.
With regards to Connor being around others in similar or like conditions... well, Connor has connected with Allie and had time to visit her before she left Valley... The two hit it off well. I know that they keep in contact via Facebook and chat online. Connor has promised her a movie outing when she is up to it. She has just returned home from her stay at Valley. We are in contact with her family too. So when they are ready, Connor and a friend have already been planning time to go out to her place and visit. Allie told Connor that she looks forward to seeing him again... so when their family is available for us to visit, the boys plan to head over... Connor also has a very dear friend who has some very serious health issues, and he just adores her. They encourage one another, empathize with each other, and pray for each other. Although they have little time to spend together they take any chance they get. She lives out of state but has family and friends in the area...plus she has doctor appointments at Stanford on a regular basis. So they talk, text and pray for one another all the time. And when she is in the area they make time to see one another. There often have been nights when Connor is unable to sleep, and he tells me he just spends time praying for both Allie and Steph. He also brings their needs before his college group, weeping for them, and rarely himself. There are days when he just feels ill, his body hurts, and his lungs don't seem to want to oxygenate his body well... those are the days when he becomes discouraged. Like my mother-in-law always says..."if it isn't one thing, its another"... those are the hard days. But the love of family and friends can make even the yuckiest day go better. So we do our best to surround him with friends, entertain his mind, and give him lots of hugs. Right now we are looking into what kind of courses he can enroll in online. Something fun to start out with would be good. Get his feet wet again, so to speak. So be praying that something will catch his eye... Remember his passions are music and photography.... music ministry has always been at the back of his mind.
Anyway... love you all for continuing to stay faithful in prayer... even when we are weak, you lift our arms to God and our hearts. I have never been the endurance type of runner... Have you seen this body!!?? haa haaa But somehow God believes we can do this, and that Connor and this family are stronger then we, ourselves know. So we trust in Him and that He does have a plan for us... a hope, and a future.
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