Day 421 - August 10 - 24 hours of pain
Well, the good day we had on Saturday devolved into a rough Saturday night, a difficult Sunday, and an almost unbearable Sunday night into Monday. Almost as soon as Connor got home, he was very tired and went to bed quickly. He had difficulty sleeping Saturday night and was still very tired Sunday, so we opted to give him a "down" day. He stayed in bed all day, but by the evening he was getting worse, not better. Evening came and he was experiencing muscle contractions so severe that his chest was spasming, preventing his lungs from expanding. Cherié and I did manual breathing for him with the bag for about 20 minutes. Once he got back on the vent, he needed a pretty heavy dose of oxygen to stay saturated, and then the pain started - lancing pain through his left shoulder that no amount of medication, altering of position, ice, massage, or prayer seemed to touch. Connor's face was screwed up in agony and he couldn't sleep, even when Cherié lay on the bed next to him rubbing his shoulder and back for three hours before he finally dropped off.
Today he got up into his chair, but nothing improved very much - the pain was still there, and he remained on supplemental oxygen all day. When I got home this afternoon he was quiet and withdrawn, with many complaints of his chest, shoulders, and abdomen hurting badly. He finally got into bed early, about 7:30, but only in the last few minutes (it's almost 11PM now) have we been able to find a position that doesn't hurt quite as much.
I guess the fact that we are in desperate need of God's intervention is fairly apparent, which is a good enough segue for me...
First, let me say that I'm not going to follow through with the "thankfulness alphabet". You see, I feel like I'm acting fraudulently with the series, and I have to stop. The fact is that I certainly do not have a thankful heart for these things I've been writing - yes, I'm thankful for my family and my kids, and in some sort of technical manner I guess I really am thankful for the things of God which I've posted - but the reality is that none of that thankfulness I blogged about came from my heart. It was a fun exercise, but I'm not being truthful when I tell you I'm thankful for whatever - my heart's just not there. So I'm knocking off that exercise until I mean it.
There was a day last summer, while we were still in Fresno, when I was on the phone with my friend Mike. I was having one of the many crises of faith I've had since June 2K8, and I made some comment to Mike that I wasn't sure anymore that God even existed. Mike told me that was OK, because during the time when I was struggling to believe, there were brothers and sisters who were believing for me. I had spent hours and days trying to make myself believe, and hearing him say this allowed me the freedom to stop trying until God persuaded me to believe.
A week ago or so, some friends came by to pray with and encourage us, and I said something similar - that I was finding my prayer and worship to be hollow and empty; that there was nothing there. In a follow-up email they wrote this -
"Sometimes I think it may just be the season to just ask other Christians to worship or give thanks on your behalf, when your suffering and exhaustion are too great."
Well, that's my confession - that's where I'm at, and I think where all three of us are at. We've got nothing to offer up to God - our hurt, our sorrow, our unanswered prayer, and our unrealized hopes take all our strength to continue to lift up to Him, and we have no strength left. We can say the words, but the spirit isn't in them.
Joélle, on the other hand, is solidly convinced that this is the year of good things. She's a rock to us, and because she's not mired in the day-to-day, she sees so many causes for hope. I wish I could see them. I wish I could see her.
I'm sorry about the alphabet thing. It was entertaining, but (at least for me) that's all it was. And you deserve better from me, so please accept this apology.
We love you guys.
Eric
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 8:53 PM
8 Comments
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8 Comments:
Eric, I don't know what to say. All that comes to mind is that I am so sorry your family is going through this. We will continue to support all of you on this journey.
Gina V
You have nothing to apologize for. My heart breaks in your feeling so apart from God. But, we have all been there at one time in our life or another.
I continue to ask God on your behalf, for restoration for your son...for strength for your family, for comfort, peace, provision and guidance.
Thank you for having enough humility to admit it and to ask it. We are called to be servants and that is our place and privilege for you at this moment. To be able to pray in service.
With love in Christ,
Claudia
I'm sorry for all that you're feeling, but I understand. I've been there too. I can't imagine how it must be, though, for the roller coaster to go on for so long. I'll be praying.
I, too, have no words of encouragement. My heart just breaks for you all and I wish so much that I had the power to make things better.
I remember Pastor Mike telling me that same thing almost two years ago when my marriage failed and I did not know what to do with everything else in my life. There are times I still feel the same way, even when I get "bad news" that affects me in many ways. I know it's not the same, but the similar things is that the "end does not seem near."
I do not feel like God is there either and I do not feel like praying because emotionally and physically I cannot. I do not even know what to say to Him.
The weird thing is that I can have so much faith and prayer for someone else. I feel like Joelle when it comes to Connor, but I too am not around him all day to see the discouraging times.
I do want you to know that I am praying for you all the time. That many not be much encouragement, but I hope knowing that others are believing on your behalf will be some sort of comfort!
We love you too!
Williamsons- I wanted you to know that I read your postings daily and pray for you as often. Like a lot of people I am sure, I don't know what to say but I want to keep praying. Especially for the lifting up of your souls right now. -Krista
Your heart wrenching description that you have "no strength left" and "there is nothing there" reminds me of a devotional in a recent Open Windows. It describes this as "Thomas Time".
Like Thomas we may lose our ability to believe, we may even doubt the Lord himself. But that time in the desert lasts for a period, and then the Lord reveals Himself anew--stretching out His pierced hands to us.
I pray that your Thomas time, understandable as it is, will be brief. In the meantime, I will continue praying for all of you.
Eric,your praying family remains solid in GODS faith. We will pick you all up and carry you for a while. We love you guys.
Much love to you all -- and, even in your moment of weakness, you do not know what a blessing your post has been to me. Someone very dear to me is struggling with unbelief right now and I just don't know the words to say...it is so hard to come up with an answer for all she is going through and then--your post was like an answer to prayer. I praise God that He will hold you up on eagles' wings and pray for lessening of Connor's pain, good sleep for all three of you, and peace of heart and soul. We care deeply about your family--even though we have never met.
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