Day 382 - July 2 - Another tough day and night
Connor spent yesterday feeling poorly - no real symptoms of sickness, just generally what we in our family refer to as "punky"; a general malaise and tiredness with no specific cause. He did get up into his chair, but spent much of the afternoon napping in the living room.
Although he felt a bit better in the evening, his night seemed to be somewhat restless. He and I wrestled a number of times with him being unable to get comfortable because he couldn't get his ear to lay the right way on his pillow. Imagine your life if you were unable to move enough to get your head comfortable on a pillow...
I was so grieved by his struggle for some sort of comfort, and I silently continue my cry - how long, O Lord? How long must he suffer like this? Rouse Yourself! Rise up and rescue him, and glorify Your name in the doing.
I'm reminded of the chorus of the Kutless song "Perspective", which asks -
"Why can't you see that freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away?
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment,
Would you still be the same?"
I've gotten a number of reminders this week to keep my perspective on what God is doing through Connor's situation, and I admit that A) I often find it difficult to keep focused on the perspective that God is doing something great and good through us in this place; and B) that keeping my faith and sight on that makes it easier, or at least more bearable, to continue this journey. But to some degree, I also reject that thought as bogus - it's extremely seductive to think that if I could just see a situation the right way, I could move along in a happy fog of blissful nonchalance because my perspective is right. But if God only moves in my life because I see things a certain way, is He really God? The entire Bible - every page, every Sunday School story, every character's life and every word written in that book - is a story of an incredible Person who explodes into the everyday existence of Mankind; manifesting Himself unmistakeably in the very real lives of very real people. Moses didn't have to change his perspective to see the burning bush, it was right there where he could feel its heat and see its flames. 450 prophets of Baal got their perspective changed in 1 Kings 18, but it wasn't because they thought "If we just look at things the right way, then we get what Elijah is trying to do". No, their perspectives were forcibly changed when fire leapt out of the heavens and devoured the hilltop - in realtime, in front of their eyes. The stories go on and on throughout the Bible about God bursting onto the scene with glory and power and majesty. So while I can appreciate that a perspective shift can help us deal with this walk, I reject the idea that it's the purpose of the journey. I cannot wait to see my God explode onto this scene!
Y'all got any thoughts on that?
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 6:27 AM
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5 Comments:
Bless your heart! I know you guys are exhausted and heart broken. It is so hard being a caretaker. Friends and family come and go, but a caretaker is there day in and day out and it gets overwhelming at times. And it hurts so badly to see the one we love suffering and not being able to do a thing about it, when we know all along that God could just speak and right all the wrongs. My circumstances are completely different, but the feelings and emotions are parallel. I have watched my mom suffer for nearly 3 years now, horrible pain and has endured so much. There have been days that I have cried out and begged God for healing, but He hasn't chose to do so. She is frail and weak, and it breaks my heart. But, in the deepest pit of despair, I know that He has the final say. And that if He chooses to make this precious woman wait for healing, then He has His reasons. I don't understand it all, but I still praise Him. I have learned so much in this past 3 years, heck, my sister and I could be nurses. But even more, on her worst days, I have seen a beautiful lady become even more beautiful by how she handles all this sadness. I have learned from her, how to trust Him, even when we can't see Him working.
I still pray for healing and I know one day He will heal her, I just have to keep on keeping on. Of course, I know you are doing the same thing. How tired I know you must be. I wish I could take away all the hurt, the pain, the sadness. But know that you are not alone. Our Precious, Faithful, Sovereign and Powerful God is working even when we can't see Him. His love for you, Connor, Joelle, and Cherie is so deep, so wide, so unconditional, so amazing!
Keep posting, keep venting, keep crying out with all you've got, because sweet, sweet man of God, we keep on praying for Connor's healing and miracles, fully expecting an answer at any moment. You are not alone. This precious Connor community are standing by you, lifting your arms until God moves.
I love you.
Martha in Fl.
Wow, y'all are a tough crowd! Nobody has any thoughts on this post?
First of all, I am sorry that Connor had a rough night. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night too because of the pain I was experiencing, but I am sure it is nothing in comparison to Connor's pain. When I think of that, it makes me feel badly for complaining.
I heard someone say in a sermon that I was listening to that God doesn't have a "reason" for why things happen, He has many reasons. I had to chuckle when I heard that because I sometimes find myself trying to figure out the one reason, and now I have to figure out more? But, it's not for me to figure it out.
You hear that statement all the time, "God has a reason or purpose" and sometimes, I want to punch the person in the face. I KNOW God has a reason, but it does not always make it easier. I think of all the times people were healed in the Bible, by dipping into a pool, putting mud on their eyes, or even just touching the hem of the Savior's garment. There is so many times that I wish I could do that (or even Connor too).
There are so many other things happening in my life right now that are coming at me from all different directions. I want to scream out at God and say, "AGAIN!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!" Yet, I know deep in my heart that even though I don't understand it, I can still depend on Him.
Eric, I know in my life I am waiting for that "explosion." It can only come from Him because there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix the situation. If I feel that way about my life right now, I can only imagine how much more it is for you.
I am praying for you all! I hope that God gives you a wonderful weekend!
I really hope that God's working isn't just dependent on our perspective. If that were the case I guess a whole lot of us would have a burden of responsibility on our shoulders for the death of our loved ones. Would it be my fault that my son died? Why after praying for 12 years for my niece to be healed of her heart condition did she die in an accident? Why did Jesus heal so many people and then have the crowds turn against Him and yell, "Crucify Him." My mind can't get around it all. I just have to accept that God is good, He's still in control, and I need to trust Him even when it is almost impossible.
Praying for healing for Connor and that he has restful, happy days, and praying that you can find peace in the struggle of day to day living.
My heart goes out to you Eric for the uncertain feelings, knots in the pit of our stomachs and wondering where we are heading.
I was there 28 years ago at the age of 47 I had to have a quadruple by pass, that is when I gave my life to the LORD. Up untill then I thought I was in control of my life, but stress and worrying about my ranch brought me to my knees.
Well after 3 angeoplasyes, back surgery, lost a Daughter to M.S. 5 year ago and had a pacemaker put in 60 days ago, I still wonder why somtimes but I don't worry any more becaues our Father in Heaven in is control and will only give us what we can handle, but he keeps on testing us. My faith in Him grows stronger as the years go by and it is through the Grace of GOD and the Love of GOD that 28 years later I am here.
I pray in the name of JESUS that the HOLY SPRIT will hover over you and your family 24/7 and that you my find GRACE MERCY AND PEACE.
I lift CONNER up to the LORD every day for complete healing.
My GOD BLESS you all
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