Day 363 - June 14 - I love my Lord
I got up at 0430 this morning to do some of the routine tasks that have to be done during the night with Connor. I awoke with that "time to make the donuts" sense of inevitability, and stumbled downstairs. As I began to prepare, Cherié appeared beside me - she had heard some noises through the monitor, and being so tired she didn't even look to see if I was in bed or not, came down. Only when she saw me did she realize she didn't have to be up. As she turned to go back upstairs, she took a look at me and said "What's wrong?", to which I stupidly replied "I don't know how we can do this for a life". She objected "We're not going to...", but of course this upset her - she needs me to be strong and firm and resolute - and so she went back to bed upset and left me sitting in a chair thinking what an idiot I am for saying what was in my mind.
After feeling sorry for myself and praying for a moment or two, I headed back in to Connor's room - the task for which I came down still needed doing, and so I busied myself getting ready to take care of it. As I prepared, however, I found that the fan blowing on me was making me cold, so I walked around the bed to turn it down, and the click of the switch woke Connor up. He asked me what I was doing and I told him what I had originally come down for. He immediately went ballistic because I wasn't monitoring that procedure (I was on the wrong side of the bed when he first saw me), not knowing that I hadn't started yet. By the time we straightened out the misunderstanding, I was in tears as I worked. How CAN we do this for a life? Once I finished, I massaged Connor's neck to reduce the spasms he was having, knocked over a bunch of stuff in the cupboard as I tried to get him some medication (CRASH BANG BOOM at 5 in the morning), picked all that up, got him his meds, and all the while I'm in this fog of despair as I stumble around the room, trying to finish so I can just get back to sleep and not have to think about all this for a while.
I finally made it back into bed at 0520, and at about 0524 something fell in Connor's room, causing me to levitate out of bed. Assuming the same for the boy, I decided to grab my clothes and Bible and just stay up after I figured out what was going on in his room. I came back downstairs and made sure he was OK (an equipment cover had fallen over - no harm done) and Connor assured me he was alright, so I started the coffee pot and wandered into the living room to doze while I waited for the brew. And as I picked up a blanket with the intention of warming up on the sofa, I realized that the chorus of a song was going through my head - "Tunnel" by Third Day:
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
So keep holding on
I hadn't been trying to find something to lift me, these words were just there in my head. "Wow", I thought, "I needed to hear that right about now. Thanks, Lord."
But being me, I immediately decide that this could have just been my subconscious rooting some lyrics out of my brain, and didn't have to be God speaking words of encouragement to me at all. So as I sat down with my Bible, I prayed - "Lord, as I open Your word, could I please have some confirmation that these words You've stuck in my head this morning are really from You, and not just something I'm making up to make myself feel better?"
And I opened the pages to where I'm reading this morning, which is Psalm 27, and I find verse 1 -
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
- and verse 5 -
For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
- and verses 13 and 14 -
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!
Now, you just have to like that! And so another day begins, but at least now it's on the right foot.
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 5:31 AM
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4 Comments:
Days (and weeks) like these are why I love the verse, Isaiah 41:10.
"Fear not, for I am with you'
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
My circumstances are not like yours, but lately I have been having trouble sleeping. Last night, I just wanted to close my eyes and "give up." I am not seeing any light in my tunnel either, and it is scary. There is nothing I can do about it though. It is out of my hands. I need to remember that.
I am praying for you all. I love your family and I hope God will give you a good week!
Your friend,
Chelle
I just opened this e-mail devotion right after reading the latest e-mail from ConnorWatch and decided I needed to share. I haven't bloged in a long time but many here at Downey Calvary Chapel are continuing to follow Connor's progress and are praying for Connor's complete restoration for Unity for peace for the love of Jesus to fill all your hearts and for you not to lose that hope you have in Him, also that you will have the rest that you need to function day by day. I know that the Lord gives us just exactly what we need each new day nothing more nothing less just as He did for the Israelites when they were out in the desert so make sure you seek Him early every morning to receive what He has for you each new day, Amen!
I pray you enjoy this devotion by Max Lucado and that it encourages you as it has me.
Lord bless and keep you all In Jesus, Linda from Downey
Week of June 12
Hope Restored Along the Way
by Max Lucado
What would it take to restore your hope?
What would you need to reenergize your journey?
Though the answers are abundant, three come quickly to mind.
The first would be a person. Not just any person. You don't need someone equally confused. You need someone who knows the way out.
And from him you need some vision. You need someone to lift your spirits. You need someone to look you in the face and say, "This isn't the end. Don't give up. There is a better place than this. And I'll lead you there."
And, perhaps most important, you need direction. If you have only a person but no renewed vision, all you have is company. If he has a vision but no direction, you have a dreamer for company. But if you have a person with direction--who can take you from this place to the right place--ah, then you have one who can restore your hope.
Or, to use David's words, "He restores my soul." Our Shepherd majors in restoring hope to the soul. Whether you are a lamb lost on a craggy ledge or a city slicker alone in a deep jungle, everything changes when your rescuer appears.
Your loneliness diminishes, because you have fellowship.
Your despair decreases, because you have vision.
Your confusion begins to lift, because you have direction.
Please note: You haven't left the jungle. The trees still eclipse the sky, and the thorns still cut the skin. Animals lurk and rodents scurry. The jungle is still a jungle. It hasn't changed, but you have. You have changed because you have hope. And you have hope because you have met someone who can lead you out.
Your Shepherd knows that you were not made for this place. He knows you are not equipped for this place. So he has come to guide you out.
Eric,
While having my few issues after surgery, I was in the same boat. I kept thinking what did I decide to do and why am I feeling so sick. Just remember that what we see is only a glimspe of what God sees and He is carrying you through this time of "trail."
You are doing a great job!! Don't ever doubt that!
HI Eric and Cherie and Joelle and Connor,
As it gets to your 1 year mark i wanted you to know that Nik and I think about you always. I keep up with Connors journey and your heartaches and victories. You are always in our prayers. Nik spent part of Jareds 1 year "RE-birth" handing out journals and water and food on the 5th floor at FRCC with his youth group. Their way of thanking our Lord for all He has done in Jareds life. The journey has been hard at best and will continue for many years but we are blessed with miracle after miracle some small some huge. Hang on as you have been God did not bring you this far to leave you here!!
http://www.carepages.com/carepages/JAREDMARR
Praying always,
Tracy, Nik and Jared Marr
Oakhurst, Ca
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