Day 340 - May 22 - Before the Cock Crows
So here I sit, 12:30 AM - all I hear is the purr of the ventilator as it heaves and sighs quietly in the background. Connor sleeps, Eric escapes consciousness, and Joélle dreams of the new life and journey that awaits her as a married woman. I am now finished with my nightly rituals with Connor; exhausted, yet convicted to write. I find myself lost in thought so many times during the day; be it thoughts of daily chores needing to be done, responsibilities concerning Connor, check lists in prep of a wedding, a husband that is being neglected, or thoughts of a day of sleep from sheer exhaustion. But one thing seems to be consuming my mind more than anything else lately… an ongoing conversation I have been having with my Father.
God has been speaking to me and convicting me of my cowardliness. This strong woman you see before you is really a coward. I have always thought of myself as a courageous woman; willing to try, if not even eager to get my hands dirty. There has rarely been something that I wouldn’t try and conquer. I have gone rock climbing, fought brush fires, fallen through the floor in burning buildings, ran to help the injured or dying on the side of the road, only to hear the gurgle of their last real breaths; I have been blessed to witness my nephew’s birth, and learned to ride a sportbike. I have led classes in dissection of animals, I’ve sung on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, flown in small planes, helped to keep my son alive when his heart stopped - the list goes on….but when it comes to claiming Who’s I am, I become a coward!
While starting my day early one morning I looked into the mirror and saw for the first time a woman who was ashamed to be associated with Jesus. “Me? Not me.” “Yes, you!!”
I found myself thinking about Peter and how he denied Christ when asked if he was associated with the Man. And yet Peter was there with Christ! He walked with Jesus in the flesh, witnessed His miracles and still was afraid to claim his association with Jesus. I used to believe that I would never do that, but here I am now - convicted of the same thing of which Peter was guilty. Well I say “No more!” When I looked into the mirror these words rang in my ear - “Before the cock crows three times!” That was me!!! I had been repeatedly denying my belief in my God. Well no more!! I have spent so much time worrying what folks would think of me - associates, strangers, even family - well no more!!
I, Cherié Williamson, believe in the God that heals. I believe in the Creator of life. I believe I am His child, I believe He died to save me from my own nasty dirty sins, and I believe He has the power to - and will - heal my son!!
It’s OK. Go ahead - look at me and think me a fool if you like. But I will not allow the cock to crow three times again! Will you?
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posted by Cherié Williamson @ 1:03 AM
11 Comments
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11 Comments:
Cherie,
Thank you so much for this post.
Thank you for your honesty. That is one particular thing I appreciate about your family's blog. Y'all are so honest about where you are at. I appreciate that.
I, too, am a coward. Many times I have kicked myself for denying Christ by not even uttering His name for fear of losing something. Some of those "things" have not been things at all but people (like when we were foster parents I feared losing the precious children placed in my home if I were to share the gospel with a social worker or even mention Jesus' name to them), etc. The cost seemed too high in the moment. Seems that there have been many of those types of moments in my life.
Anyway, thanks for the challenge. I think about that often but, when the rubber meets the road . . .
80)
Mary Beth
That sounds so familiar in my own life, Cherie' It was so inspiring to hear your honesty. I will be praying that God gives your the strength in your renewed spirit!
God bless you!
In the same way that true independence can only result from complete dependence on God, sometimes the real courage lies in one's willingness to admit fear.
You have shown that courage for sure.
And you give that same courage to others.
Proud to be your friend and brother in Christ,
Jeff
I met you once when you sang like an angel...envious of your courage to stand in front of strangers and use the beautiful gift of song that your Father gave you.
So strange how we view others who "have it all together".
YOU ARE COURAGEOUS. Jesus knows you love him. You share Him with others in your voice, smile, kind words and patience. That is how we truly share Jesus. And when you need his power to share the word, he will give you strength and the right words to use.
Love you Cherie, you are a dear sister in Christ.
Kathleen
Cherié--thank you for your honesty and compelling challenge to all of us. I have never met you but I know that you are one very special mom, wife, and friend. I pray that God continues to bless you with strength and the peace that only He, the ultimate Healer, can provide.
Wow, that opens a lot of memories for me as well. I will openly say that I have denied Christ and I still do, what I gross sinner I am. But at the same time this confession makes me all the more at peace because God knows my thoughts, actions, and sins before I even commit them. I do ask for forgiveness and I am so broken by how many times I closed my mouth when I should have been proclaiming His name. God forgives, but I know we should not take advantage of His beautiful forgiveness and wonderful mercy on us. We should be killing sin or it will kill us (to quote John Piper), only God gives us the power to fight our flesh and grow in thinking about things of above.
Father God would You please work in us and give us the power to proclaim the Truth about Your Son dying for all. I pray that more and more everyday would turn from breaking from Your law to turning to the salvation You offer. I pray this in Jesus' powerful name, Amen.
Keep the faith my friend and I will continue to pray for you all and myself that we would be proclaimers of His gospel as the day progresses!
Wohoo Mrs. W!
Hold fast the Word of Life! By the power of the Holy Spirit may you fly close to the flame that is Jesus and may you fix your eyes on Him as you go about your day.
Hey Cherie - good to hear from you! I'm sure sitting down and writing is probably the last on your list of things to do in your hectic day, but always wonderful when you can take the time. Your strength has always...and will always...impress me! Thinking of you always. Lisa S.
Beautifully worded, inspired writing. Cherie you amaze me day after day- so even while you are denying Christ- please know that your very actions in your day to day life- speak tremendous faith, courage and love to those around you- which in itself is proclaiming He who gave you those qualities! thank you for honesty and for bringing to light something most Christians need to address, especially me!
love you, my friend!
christine
Dear Eric and Cherie:
I was reading from the blog of the Mom of a beautiful 26 year old girl who was struck with a massive AVM (brain bleed) a year ago. Her post that I hope to copy and paste reminded me of where you all are in this journey. May it be a blessing to you...
Lynne Piper
Sometimes this doesn’t feel like a miracle at all.
It feels more like a slo-mo nightmare.
Or it feels dull and gray, like a drizzly day.
When it’s like that, I just want to go to sleep and maybe not wake up for a couple of years.
…Wake me up when it gets interesting again…when we get to the climax of the story...
Wake me up when God “shows up and shows off,” as they said he did at the beginning of this odyssey.
I’m not big on the persevering-with-joy thing. I tire out too easily. My bones ache. I hurt all over. Then I become like my grandson when he’s tired…grumpy, whiny, petulant, and impatient. Sometimes I even have a meltdown, too.
I start forgetting the Red Sea, and focus instead on the hot, dry, boring desert. Oh, it stretches out in front of us forever, I think. How long will we have to plod through this arid wasteland, dragging our feet in the sand? Shoulders slumped, staring down at the creepy crawly things. Looking for a little idol or two to clutch…anything to numb the pain for a while.
Then the coyotes start howling: This is it. There’s no oasis. You’re just going to stumble around in circles for the next forty years. (By that point, they’ll be carrying you on a stretcher.) You’ll never live to see the Promised Land. Your family will never inherit the promises. It was all in your imagination, anyway.
But then I stub my toe on a sharp stone, and it reminds me of my little rock collection. (Okay, God, now I remember why you make me carry those rough gems around in my pocket.) I take one out and rub its smooth, cool surface. It feels reassuring in my hand, like a rosary must feel to a committed Catholic. A reminder.
I am not strong or brave or disciplined or particularly wise. But somehow the small stone of remembrance revives my strength, and I look up. Just ahead, I see a little yellow flower of hope, peeping out from beneath a desert rock.
And I set my face like flint towards Jerusalem.
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19)
“The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.” (Isaiah 51:3)
Dear Cherie,
We are promised by God, hope and a future. I do not think you the fool, rather a strong, child of God who believes what her Father promises. Good for you, and for us all, that you are willing to proclaim it!
With prayers,
Sally
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