Day 297 - April 7 - Fearing Faith

I've been giving a lot of thought lately, too much perhaps, to the words spoken by many people about my perspective on Connor's complete healing. Although I can intellectually understand someone's feeling that we should accept Connor's situation as God's will in our lives, the implication that we should resign ourselves to this situation rankles me.

I think that, in my dogged persistance that Connor will be healed - physically, on this earth - people see a refusal to accept God's will. And I can undestand that, but I maintain that this is untrue in every meaningful sense. You see, it is apparent to anyone who looks (including myself) that Connor is in the position he's in to fulfill God's working in our lives. For whatever reason, God has seen fit to place our family in this place, and being able to accept that this works for good and for His glory is one of the things that keeps us sane in the midst of it. Can you imagine doing this without the comfort of knowing that it's for a purpose? I'd probably do something stupid if this was for no reason. But it isn't - it has a purpose, that purpose is good, and so we carry on. But - and I need to stress how important this is - simply because a situation exists is no reason to believe it is permanent. The Bible teaches us that the only permanent thing is God Himself - everything else exists at His pleasure. And that's the point where I find much hope. Yes, Connor remains paralyzed and dependent on a ventilator. Yes, many, many people find themselves in such situations for as long as they remain on this earth. And yes, the daily view from this position is almost overwhelming at times.

And yet, I read in Hebrews that I'm supposed to draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, in order to find mercy and grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16). Why do I approach the throne of grace? To find mercy. I also read in Luke that I ought to always pray and not lose heart (Luke 18:1), and Jesus Himself tells me to keep asking until I receive it. And I read in Mark that I'm supposed to pray, believing, and I will receive it (Mark 11:24).

So, all that being true, I find myself in a position unique to my experience - that the very thing I desire to do is also the very thing I'm commanded to do. It's still difficult, but at least it all aligns. I'm not acting at cross purposes to God's will, I'm acting as I'm commanded to act.

So I accept the fact that God has placed us in this situation, and I continue to pray for the way I want to see it resolve itself. The area I continue to struggle with, to be honest, lies in Paul's admonition to be content in all circumstances. That I'm not too good at, although honestly I'm better than I want to be!

Now, a dear friend told us on Sunday that displayed faith creates fear in people, and I see that here. Fear in me, that if I profess this faith I'll look foolish or naive. Fear in believers around us, who are afraid to profess their hope and belief because they don't want to speak out of place or set Connor up for disappointment. And fear in most of the people around us, that we're setting ourselves up for disappointment. Some even fear we're provoking God's wrath because of our "stubborness".

All I can say in response to those concerns is "please don't speak death into our faith". We have a hard enough time managing our hope without having it assassinated by well-meaning onlookers. And so we are surrounding ourselves with people who believe, as we do, that God will physically heal the boy in this life - not because of some misguided desire to only hear one viewpoint, but because we're commanded to believe as we pray, and our circumstances rally against that all by themselves; they don't need any more help to seem insurmountable!

It's been too long since I've posted about our faith journey, and I apologize for taking two or three weeks to remember that there's more to this story than just how Connor's doing each day. This journey is a big thing - not because we're important (we're not), but because God is working in it for His glory. I am called to make that known, and so I pick myself up again and boldly proclaim -

I believe that my God will restore my son - physically; fully; completely - in this lifetime, on this earth, for His glory.

I believe that He has placed Connor in this place for a twofold reason -

(1) to develop Connor into the man he must be in order to become the tool necessary to bring the greatest glory to God, and
(2) because He is working through Connor's situation into the hearts and minds of the people who are following and engaged in this story.

I believe that God has placed me and my family in this situation for a twofold reason -

(1) to provide the support necessary for Connor during this stage in his life, and
(2)in order to more perfectly align us with His image.

And I believe that God has placed me in this situation for a twofold reason as well -

(1) to proclaim this story, and God's faithfulness, personally and through this venue as an example of how God works in and through His children for His glory, and
(2) to be seen as an example of how a broken and wretched man can, despite his repeated failings, bumbling efforts, and waywardness, strive to follow after Christ in submission and obedience to His God.

Here I stand, this I believe.

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