Day 250 - February 19 - Anguish
Last night Cherié was in the room next to Connor's and heard him playing the same song over and over again on his computer. Intrigued, she peeked in so as not to disturb him, and found the boy lying on his side in bed, mouthing the words to the song while sobbing uncontrollably, his face contorted in anguish. On June 9th of last year, Connor, Joélle and Alan had performed that song for the youth group at church - the last time Connor sang and played the drums in the worship band before his accident on June 16. Yesterday, Connor's status update on Facebook read "Connor wants to go back in time to June 9th, 2008".
For those who don't know our family well, we fairly percolate music. I've played brass since I was ten, and while I'm no vocal star, I am able to carry a tune in a bucket. Cherié is a vocal phenomenon, and would probably be singing professionally if I hadn't been such an selfish dolt back in the 1980s. We actually met while we were both in bands touring for the Continental Singers. Both of our children have inherited the musical gift by the wheelbarrow-load, and Connor has music flowing through his veins. He sings. He plays the drums because he loves rhythm so much. He taught himself to play guitar, and performed on stage less than three weeks after he first touched the thing. He is a consummate musician.
And every single shred of his capability to get the music out has been torn from him. He longs to pick up a pair of drumsticks and let the beat pour out of him again. He has his guitars hanging on the wall in his room where he can see them. And he longs from the bottom of his soul to open his mouth and pour out songs to God.
But he can't. And it's killing him, at least figuratively. He can't even sing, because to do that you have to control your breathing, and of course the ventilator is doing that. And so he is found crying inconsolably for the missing part of him.
I don't know why God would gift Connor with such talent only to take it away. I don't have those answers, and what few words I can muster don't assuage the agony he feels.
So I'm bringing it to you for prayer - prayer that God would see fit to restore Connor's diaphragm and breathing to normal so he can sing again; prayer that God would restore Connor's body so he can play the instruments again; and prayer that in the meantime, God would meet him at his point of loss, sorrow, and need.P>
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 9:19 PM
17 Comments
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17 Comments:
Wow..it was so interesting to go to this post after my prayer time early this morning. I was praying for all of you but what was really on my heart was to pray for Connor's ability to breathe on his own again. I was picturing it all in my mind as I prayed....for him to be able to take deep breaths on his own and I asked the Lord to restore that in him first.
Then...I read this post only to see that it is also request upon the hearts of all of you. It shows me how God goes before and is indeed interested in all of us.
I believe the He will honor that request, and in the meantime....gonna keep praying.
With love in Christ,
Claudia Rizzi
I remember one of the first times I attended West Hills, Cherie, Joelle, and Connor were doing the special. At the time, I had no idea that they were a family. I could not believe that Cherie' was a mother to children who were that big.
I do remember Cherie looking at Connor and Joelle with such love in her eyes while she sang, that I probably could have figured it out if I thought about it more. They were such a blessing.
I also loved to see Connor play the drums. I was brought up in a church that always said that drums were "bad," and that they belonged in a rock band. Then, I saw young men like Connor and David who were so consumed with singing praises to God, WHILE they played, that I could not imagine what my past "teachers" were talking about and apparently, they did not either. :)
Connor has always been such an inspiration to me for my young son, and he still is today. I talk to Brendan about him all the time and we do pray.
I have a fear that the disorder I have will take away my ability to play the piano. I cannot imagine that because playing it is sometimes my "haven." Knowing Connor's anguish is going to make to pray even much more for God's healing on his life. I want to hear him play again too. My heart just breaks.
We love you guys. I know we do not know you that well, but we do love your family.
Well, I read this and even though I don't know you guys personally, I know that I have been affected by his story. I live at Hume Lake, the place where all this started.
I read this article and it got a song out of me, and I'd love to share it with you.
It's called "Scream Out"
and i hope it can maybe bring some peace to you or something....idk. well here it is:
Breaking down again
Just want to breathe
Breathe normally, feel free
Crying out again
Seems like he’s not listening
Listen please, heal me
And it seems like nothings working
And if feels like everything’s goin’ wrong
Just want to play
And Praise your name
But how?
Chorus: Just scream with your heart
Cry out his name
Pour out your heart
Even when words can’t start
To form on your tongue
To boil in your blood
Don’t think that what you have isn’t enough
He loves us with unfathomable love
Feeling doubt today
Just want to believe
Believe in the power, feel mercy
Tired out again
Just want to run
Run again, and feel again
And it seems as if nothing’s getting better
And everything’s still wrong
Just want to play, get better
Praise your name through this storm
So
Just scream with your heart
Cry out his name
Pour out your heart
Even when words can’t start
To form on your tongue
To boil in your blood
Don’t think that what you have isn’t enough
He loves us with unfathomable love
His mercy and grace is enough
His healing touch restores our souls
He knows what he’s doing
Even if we can’t see
We still gotta believe
To scream our with your heart
Cry out his name
And pour out your heart
Even when words can’t start
To form on your tongue
Boil in your blood
Scream out with your heart
Cry out his name
Pour out your heart
Even when words can’t start
To form on your tongue
Boil in your blood
Don’t think that what you have isn’t enough
He loves us with unfathomable love
He loves us with unfathomable love
I had forgotten until I read Claudia's post that I had also prayed specifically for Connor to be able to play drums and sing again just this past Wednesday night. I was watching a band of high school age guys play, and as I watched the drummer, my thoughts went to Connor and I prayed right then that he would be able to play his drums again. The Holy Spirit definitely lays things on our hearts and leads us to pray, doesn't He?
Praying for comfort & that amazing peace that is past all understanding, and for healing. I'm so thankful that we serve a God who knows our needs, our troubles, our pain, and He understands and He cares so deeply for us.
~Amy
Hey Connor. I've prayed about the music thing since day one man... I've always respected you as a musician, and though we've never really played together, I've always thought it was neat that we share that passion. I know you can't exactly make music right now... but have you been writing? Lyrics? Anything? If you have, you should totally post'em :) One other thing - have you thought about using your computer to make music? I know it seems inferior to actual instruments, but look what Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails and David Crowder have done in electronic music. The music is in you buddy - never think you've run out of ways to get it out! Praise God.
This blog just broke my heart. I wish I had words to say that would help. The only thing besides prayer that I feel I can give is something I heard Beth Moore say this week. She said: "The area in our lives that we have the most difficulty trusting God with is the exact area where He has most trusted us." I probably didn't get it word for word correct, but it is a powerful statement. I thought back over the difficulty we went through, and then I thought of what you guys are going through. I guess He has much more confidence in me than I have in myself.
Praying for Connor to be able to once again glorify God through his music.
All y'all, thank you for your comments. I don't want to overlook anyone's thoughts for us - they're so significant.
I also have a response to KatieMac's post above. Katie, would you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me via email? I want to hear that song, not just read it. All I can say is "wow".
You can reach me through email from the Contact Page.
Thank you in advance!
Eric
Despite all the heartache, it's encouraging to hear that Connor can actually use a computer and perhaps even roll over on his side in bed. Has he regained more movement to allow these things to happen? We trust in the Lord, for all things are possible to those who believe in Him!
Amen Matt and KatieMac...
Connor has it in him...he just needs a new method to bring it forth. His gifts are numerous and perfect and good and right on.
We as simple humans think it has to be the old way, our way, the comfortable way, so that they are valuable.
But, God wants it His way. He is a jealous God and He will not ask, but require we worship and serve Him any way possible.
Sing from your heart Connor, God can hear you and that is ALL that matters.
In Love,
Kathleen
Eric, I still think that you and your wife need to go see Fireproof. The movie would be great for you two to see. My husband and I went to see it and it is sooooo good and some humor in it too. :)
Marge from Elko, NV
Erik- Although I read your posts almost daily, I am always reluctant to leave any comments as I feel so unable to give any comfort. I am sorry for that. I know that knowledge of the fact that our family has been praying daily for your family is something. My heart ached today when I read this post and I was brought to tears. I don't know Connors anquish in the least but I can understand yours about sin habits. Thanks for being so candid as always. Love, Krista J.
Eric-
Did Katie sing it to you? As I read the lyrics, I could hear the tune of the refrain, and I have a tin ear! That was weird. I wonder if it was the same tune as Katie's
Donna Hamilton (I'm still struggling with the blog identity thing.)
Tumwater WA
I cannot understand it, I cannot conceive of how it could be a good thing, or even something that could bring about a good thing. But I believe it...with all my heart: I know that God is in this thing and that He is working something amazing from it. If we knew what it was, would we run from it? Would we embrace it? Would we rejoice in it? Let's rejoice, even though we DON'T know! Because our God is all-good, all-wise, all-capable, all-knowing. He has us all in the palm of His hands--we are His own.
Carolyn A.
Connor,
I can remember feeling like my life was so horrible and wanting to go back in time and miss the gosh darn patch of black ice. I couldn't and no power here on Earth would ever allow it. I felt I lost everything the day of my accident. I would never go home again, wear the outfit I had worn (it was cut off), never see my cats, never see my bofriend and his family. Every song I listened to reminded me of life before. My life was becoming a life of nothing or so I thought. If you don't remember my accident happened in Ohio and in reality my nevers were partially true.
Six weeks after my accident, once stable for travel, Mom. Dad and I hopped on a plane to go to Valley Med. There I tryed so hard to stay positive, brave and strong. I rememeber the disappointments and being jealous and maybe even questioning God. Sometimes I still have each of those emotions. You may even feel that no one really understands but know there are a lot of people who do. Even your family more than you can maybe understand.
By the time I was released and until the beginning of December I was an unpleasant person. Rightly, so. My boyfriend and I broke up, I was utterly homesick, had an ongoing UTI and felt trapped in a body that was mine. I wanted to be normal, I wanted my life back! I finally went on anti-depressants and life started to get alittle better and the UTI's finally went away.
Now that I am 5 years away from injury, things are better. I was able to ship my cats out here and my homesickness has mostly subsided. I am looking forward to being able to finally visit Ohio and go through my boxed up life and sort through and purge. I have found a church family that I love and loves me and I look forward to giving back to the community. I still have my days that I am emotional especially around the week of 2-13. I now have an extra bday that my family,friends and I have to celebrate. A new way of encouraging and ministering to those who need it. I will always be waiting for my restoration and the day it happens, there will be even more to celebrate. For now, I am being still so I can hear His sweet Spirit.
Connor, you will have ups and downs but remember this you will overcome. We are promised! Keep working and someday you will walk out of your house and run away. You are always in my thoughts and I pray for your restoration. We will have our promise!
What can I even say? It has been a few days since you posted and I am praying and saw your requests. I am praying, too, for a smooth weekend and peace for everyone. One day at a time, dear friends. We love you all--
Kristie and Wade
My heart broke as I read this post. It broke for the anguish and loss Connor is suffering. It broke for Cherie as she viewed Connor's suffering but felt hopeless to alleviate it. It broke for Eric as a father who would almost certaintly trade places with his son in a heartbeat if he could. And then I remember that Christ's heart broke because of us. He suffered everything known to man. He knows your anguish and will provide a way through it.
The Holy Spirit uses so many things to prompt me to pray for Connor..... a person in a wheelchair, a drummer, seeing a red-haired young man - the list goes on and on.
We continue to pray for you all.
Nancy from No. CA
Dear jessrun,
i appreciate your words so much. i can see faith in your words. it is good for us to share our human-ness on this planet.
If you have not read "The Shack" yet, please do so. The last few chapters describe heaven. It is difficult to read it and not long for heaven right now.
Praying and loving you through this dear family.....
Kathleen
xxoo
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