Day 228 - January 28 - Woof.
Did y'all catch the new photos on the front page and in the photo section? Brad was able to get some time to upload a few of the shots I had sent him, so there are some new things to look at in the photo section.
Tonight Connor and I were sitting side by side after dinner, and our dog Tank came over to us for her hourly dose of attention. I scratched her ears and ruffed her neck, and she gave me the cow eyes and that "can I get in your lap?" look. Now, for those of you who haven't yet met Tank, there's a reason we call her that. She's half Labrador and half Great Dane, and not very much lap dog, if you get my drift. Actually, she's a whole lot of lap dog - 140 pounds or so, I'd say. So when she wants to hop in your lap, what she really does is climb up with her front feet and put her face in your face.
Anyway, for whatever reason, i was feeling amenable so I invited her up. She hopped her front feet into my lap, and then began straining toward Connor (a bit of history - it was Connor who saved the mutt from doggy death row, and he's always been "her boy"). As she stretched her head toward the boy, I took Connor's hand and petted Tank's head with it.
And it was just too much for me. Tank jumped down, and I had to leave the room as I broke into tears over the fact that not only couldn't Connor pet his own dog, but he couldn't even feel her fur when I did it for him. Cherié found me sobbing on my knees in the kitchen over the injustice of this for my son.
I know the things I'm supposed to think here. I've heard the well-meant words, and I almost chant them to myself daily - "God cannot use a man greatly until He has first allowed him to be hurt deeply", and other sayings like it. Those things are true, but there are moments and days when the pain cannot be borne; when the unfairness is too much; when no words or prayers or rationalization can soak away the raw and bloody agony. Tonight was one of them.
Ironically, I had encouraged a sister just this morning with the words of Psalm 73, particularly verses 1-3 and 23-28. So, having been hoist on my own petard, I had to heed my own words tonight and remind myself (again) -
Nevertheless, I am continually with You;
You hold my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterward You will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
- Psalm 73:23-26
Thank you for your faithful support for our son and family.
Eric
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 9:45 PM
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15 Comments:
And God has given us each other to bear one another's sorrows. I don't know what it feels like to have a child, and to have one who is in dire circumstances. But I do know what it is to hurt...to feel the kind of pain that turns your bones to water.
My heart cries out to God on your behalf...
Jenann
Eric,
As someone that has wrestled for ten years with an issue that, at least from a mechanistic point of view, appears to be beyond the ability of an omnipotent God to fix, my perspective has evolved differently than yours.
I was in emotional agony for years, and though the source of our pain is different, I know something of living under the crushing hurt of disappointment, unfulfilled expectations, and what I thought was unanswered prayer.
I also have experienced something in living in the apparent paradox of viewing God's world through man's eyes.
So I hurt with you, and for you, but that does not spare me the responsibility of hard words.
Don't believe the lie.
You describe the 'injustice' of this for Connor, and your pain may conceal that, somewhere, deep in your core, that is what you believe.
While I suspect most folk would agree with you that this is a horrible 'injustice', God's world is not run by the consensus of man.
We are convinced by the Word of God, that God is a just God, and that He is an omnipotent God, and if this situation with Connor, over which He has all-powerful control, is unjust, then He is a liar, and we are betrayed.
The deceiver would take a truth, that this is unpleasant, that this is difficult, and this is the hardest thing we have ever done, twist it, and have us believe that our God, the creator of the universe, the great I am, the lover of our souls, is unjust.
And that just isn't true.
These are hard words. Hold fast against the deception, and cling to those things which are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, of good report, worthy of praise. As Paul says, think on these things.
Don't believe the lie.
Brother,
I appreciate more than I can say your willingness to do the hard things. I know it is difficult to offer words like these to me, and I hear them the way you intend them - said with love and concern and in a spirit of encouragement (and maybe a little exasperation at your little brother who often doesn't seem to get it 8-) ).
I would offer that one of my most difficult hurdles is that I have great difficulty believing, at a core level, that God really is good and really loves us. This journey, for me, is as much about that as anything else. But that being said, I do know that my feelings lie to me - how else can I return again and again to passages like Psalm 73 and cling to His words? God is my portion and my only hope, and apart from Him I have nothing but despair.
So rest assured that while I often wrestle against the lie, the reason I can wrestle against it is because I know it for what it is.
Thanks Brad, even for hard words. I love you, too.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with all of us, friends, family and strangers (that's me)..
What a beautiful evidence of God's grace you are! What an incredible example of a father's love for his son. You have been a great example all along...Thank you.
The picture of you kneeling on the floor crying for your son is a beautiful example of the love of Father. Thank you for being honest and pointing me to our loving Father. I, of course, cannot speak for God but I would venture to say He was on the floor with you.
Thank you for your humility and honesty and courage! what a blessing you are!
in Christ,
Diane Boucher
Warning: Hard words spoiler.
I'm with you on that one, brother. I think each of us has to wrestle with our understanding of a God who claims to be good and then is silent. There is much I don't understand that has really pushed the growth of my faith. Paul talks about working out your salvation with fear and trembling, and I think this is right in there in that mess.
Think about this for a while.
Posit: God is truly good, and loves us. God has good plans for us... God works all things together for good for those that love him...
Yet, we consistently experience things we would call 'not good' as part of our lives...injury, impairment, pain, etc.
How do we reconcile things we would argue are 'not good' with a God that is truly good. You can either declare that God doesn't really have control over evil or bad things, essentially that He is not omnipotent. You can declare that somehow God 'allows' bad things to happen for our own ultimate good, again, an indirect argument that God must be less than all-powerful.
Or you can wrestle with the paradox that what is good from God's perspective is not necessarily good from ours...perhaps our understanding of 'good' is not what God's definition of good is.
But, (I offer this as a goal, not a place I have reached, because I'm still on the journey) if I accept that I just don't understand what 'good' means, because I don't see the world through God's eyes, many things start to make sense.
I understand Job when he says, "Should I accept only the good things from God and not the bad?" I start to understand Paul when he says, "I have learned to be content in whatever situation I find myself." And I even get an inkling of understanding into Job when he says, "Even if He slays me, yet I still trust Him."
Because God is good regardless of what I think, feel or believe.
This is hard stuff, because it means we have to surrender what it is we hold to be good, even when we do not understand it, because it is God that defines good, not us.
But it also opens the door to the possibility that I can look at Connor, and see not loss, suffering, and despair, but possibility, opportunity, and the hand of God at work, for things that are good, in ways I can't begin to understand or imagine, because the goodness of God is not limited by my heart or intellect.
And that, I find, is a soothing balm on my pain. I hope that it can ease yours.
I am in tears (good ones, not bad). I'll post more later.
Thank you for the reminder of Psalm 73. Even though we know that holds true, it does not always take the pain away.
It is nice to have an older brother to remind us all how true those words are, even if it is "hard words," and tough to hear. Leave it to an older sibling to do that (Haha, kidding. I am the oldest of three).
I am still praying for you.
Man this is really a tough entry you all have going. Life is so hard, and I must admit that I do battle with what God allows and what He controls. I know that He is all powerful, but is it possible to be all powerful and still let things happen that maybe aren't God caused, but that He knows He can use for His glory? Satan is the ruler of the world, and while he can do nothing that God doesn't allow he still has a lot of power in our universe.
When our 2nd son got home from 6 months at an orphanage in Africa it was terrible watching him go through the struggles of why a loving God would allow innocent children to suffer like they do. I certainly can't understand except that it is a continent that has turned against God. But why let the little ones have AIDS, or become orphans because their parents have AIDS or are too poor to care for them.? It has been a difficult thing for me to get my mind around.
When my niece was born with a heat defect we prayed for 12 years for her healing. When my youngest son was lying in the hospital dying I pleaded with God that if He was going to take Trenton to please not take Mandee too. But three years later we were back at the same hospital with the same end result. I don't get it. Except that we suffer so that we can help others when they suffer.
They say that more people come to the Lord when Christians suffer successfully than when they have an easy life. Maybe I'm a lot like Eric because I know that God is just and loving, but it sure seems unfair to me. On the bright side, I can say that God has been faithful, my life is full and I have much joy. I chose healing. I can honestly say that today I think I have as much joy in my life as I would have had if we never went through what we did. It was sure tough sledding for a while, though.
Psalm 73 is one I recite to myself each morning - and, although my family's struggles pale in comparison to yours....I still feel both the comfort and conviction each time I say "...and earth has nothing (and no one) I desire besides you" -- especially my closest loved ones.
I know it is wrenching at times, to want to hold on and cling to what was or could have been or should have been, I DO THAT TOO -- and am thankful when it does happen;then I once again turn humbly to my Lord...
Blessings on you all - I pray for you "through the watches of the night."
Yes, these are difficult things to consider and likely impossible to fully understand in this life. When living through years of no answers for ongoing physical pain and disability, someone asked me if I ever considered that maybe God didn't really love me. True, I had cried many tears resulting from emotional, spiritual and unrelenting physical pain and I didn't understand why faithful prayers for healing over the course of many years had not been answered in a manner I thought God's love should dictate. But my answer to that person's question had to be that if I believed the Bible, God loved me. Period. Because to not believe the Bible meant I had nothing, zip, absolute hopelessness on a much deeper level than even the pain I was experiencing from the present trial. I came to the conclusion that my definition of how divine love should be worked out is not necessarily God's. He is still faithful even when our human understanding cannot grasp it. I had to give up every condition I had placed on how I felt God should respond if He loved me and be willing to accept God's best for me, even if it meant I had to walk through what I desperately wanted to be released from.
Brad said it very eloquently. I believe people can understand what he said in their heads, but no one can truly understand it in their heart until they have walked in that place and wrestled with it in the darkness. Yes, grief, sorrow, even denial may be part of the process because that is part of our humanity. But there is also submission, thankfulness and joy that can be found in what at times seem to be suffocating trials.
After years, God did enable the pain I had struggled with for so long to gradually be reduced. Through other situations and physical trials, while I continue to pray for the desires of my heart, He continues to prove Himself faithful as my desires continue to be molded to His. He is teaching me that things that may be incomprehensible to us now can indeed be God's way of manifesting His love in the lives of believers. We will someday (maybe not until eternity) see how the greatest trials of this life seem like nothing more than a mist. What glory that will be!
Thank you Brad for sharing your deep insight with all of us.
Nancy from Northern CA
Just so ya know, we love and pray for you all.
I hope that I didn't come across in my earlier post as believing that God isn't just. I believe that life isn't fair from a human perspective, but God is just. He has given me eternal life and that is more than I could ever deserve.
Eric,
Maybe it is time to seek answers elsewhere. The notion that only God is in charge makes victims of us humans. When I was a child it never made sense to me why someone would be born of such attributes that ensure them a safe and secure future, while others are born into suffering.
I had to find my belief elsewhere. Where we all have an undying spirit, that chooses different life circumstances, to teach our spirit the lessons we need to learn to become more whole. Reincarnation is fascinating, with many Doctors confirming multiple lifetimes in patients under hypnosis. That made more sense to me. It spreads out the equality over a millenium. Why would one child be born in prosperity, with loving, nurturing parents, and others born to abusive parents in extreme poverty ? Is that Gods way? Living in New mexico sure shows that disparity.
I have read book after book on spirituality to find my own belief. I attend a Unitarian Universalist Church which accepts ALL beliefs, and professes to not having the answers, but it is the questions that matter. My husband was brought up strict Catholic, and hated very minute of it. He knew there was a God, but to be convinced that he was a born sinner, and no one without God, he just didn't buy it. As he put it, as a child he didn't know anyone good enough to go the Heaven, and no one bad enough to go to Hell.
Spirituality though, does place creation directly on oneself. It is through that acceptance that "I created this for a reason " that one can grow and learn, and not be a victim to life's circumstances.
I respect all Religions, even though I know that I am not accepted, and many believe that I am doomed to Hell, because the Bible tells them so.
I will pray for you to find peace. I love your honesty and all the loving words from all the bloggers.
You guys are a great family.
G Monroe
Cool! Monroe, I am so pleased that you are here with us! Thank you for being bold enough to comment. I promise to come back and revisit your comments and give them the attention you deserve once I can sit down at a computer instead of on my phone. Others will chime in too, but I just wanted to get a quick post in to let you know you're welcome here.
Eric,
It is not a bad thing to remind ourselves over and over certain Bible passages. Mine has always been Ephesians 6:2. As a spiritual people we struggle and go through things that unbelievers may not understand fully. When we are reminded of our limitations, we are being attacked. I know you see that.
Mom had just said that parents struggle is the same as when God looks upon His creation and sees the brokeness that Satan has lead people to believe. God is trully sad and wants all creation to be part of His plan.
We have very rough times here and sometimes it is overwhelming. We have every range of emotion and it is not wrong for you, Cherie, Joelle, or Connor to feel them. To me that is normal and something that anyone in our situation needs to do. Connor will one day pet Tank and they will be boy and dog! Just right now they need your help!
There is so much more to say but know your family is on our minds daily! I may not comment but I've been here!
Stay the course!
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