Day 209 - January 9 - Contemplative Struggling 101

That's going to be the name of the course I've decided to teach if I ever become a college professor. The core of the curriculum will be my experiences this week, during what I can only describe as one of the most emotionally difficult weeks since June. It still pales in comparison to Week One of this nightmare, but I have to give it high marks for trying.

All y'all know everything that's going down this week in the Williamson family, so I won't go into it all again. Instead, I want to discuss a bit about what I've been thinking about when I've opened the scripture over the last couple of days.

I've been slowly working my way through Psalms, and many of you know that you can't really rush the Psalms - they kind of go at their own pace. I'm currently in the 50s, and it sometimes takes me a bit of time to digest what I'm reading. Especially with the low ebb my spirits have been at over the last week or so. Psalms is a good place to hang out when you're like that, and so yesterday morning I was feeling way, way down - 0530 in the dark, without enough sleep, alone, in the middle of winter - the most depressing point of the most depressing time of year. And once again I am struggling against despair and doubt and hopelessness, and I open the Bible to my Psalm of the day, number 53. What does verse 1 say? "The fool says in his heart "There is no God". Hmmmm. So I squared my shoulders (again) and faced the day.

This morning, I crack the Bible again - now on Psalm 54. And I read verses 1 and 2 -

O God, save me by Your name, and vindicate me by your might. O God, hear my prayer; give ear to the words of my mouth.

Now we're talking! So I keep reading, and get to verse 4 -

Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.

Well, Lord, it doesn't really feel like it, but if you say so...

So I finally get to verses 6 and 7 -

With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to you; I will give thanks to your name, O LORD, for it is good. For he has delivered me from every trouble, and my eye has looked in triumph on my enemies.

And I thought "What's a freewill offering? That must be an offering that's given of your own free will."

"But what would you offer?"

"Well, the sentence doesn't end there - it keeps on going about giving thanks."

"Dangit, I hate it when He does that!" Because just an hour earlier, as I was saying goodbye to Cherié before I headed out the door, she told me I should spend the time on the way to work thanking God for all the things He has done for us. Of course I didn't do it, which shows you what an excellent wife I have and what a lousy husband I am. But anyway, here I am an hour later, getting told again to offer thanks. There's only one problem - I don't want to.

Which is where the sacrifice comes in. So I purposed to start then and there to make a sacrifice of my attitude and offer my thanksgiving, even at this low point.

I wish I could tell you that everything was suddenly all rosy and peachy and like that, but I'd be lying. But I will tell you that I had enough strength to get through the day, and to do it in a fashion which was honoring to Christ.

So tonight, I give thanks.


...MASSIVE SUBJECT CHANGE...

Connor spent the day with his sister. Tonight they said goodbye to each other (I leave for the airport with Joélle at 0530), and their tender love for each other made me proud at the same time as it brought me to tears. God has really blessed us - with family, with friends, with a blogchurch full of people who somehow have become something like family to us.

Thanks, Lord.

Good night.

----------------------------------------
Print This Page