Day 198 - December 29 - Fear
We met a man yesterday. A man in a wheelchair. He's been in one for 31 years. I was 15 when he broke his neck.
He can move his arms and use his hands.
I'm jealous. I know I'm not supposed to be, but I am. I toss a short prayer skyward as we pull out of the parking lot, but it deflects off the gathering clouds of impending depression and leaves me empty. It matches my mood.
This morning I head off to work, fully intending to plaster my fake "everything's great, because I trust God" smile on my face and get through another eight hours. It's 0500, so I call my Mom in Michigan. No answer. That's right, she's driving back to Virginia today. I think about calling her cellfone, but decide against it. I sit behind the wheel feeling alone, so I pray. No response.
I finally get hold of my little brother for a few minutes. He's got his own troubles, bigger than mine. Mine only affect my family; his affect all the people who work for him. I've got nothing to offer him except the usual platitudes, the ones that seem so empty when you're stuck in it with nowhere else to turn.
I get off the phone feeling vaguely hopeless. I'm afraid - afraid that I'm smack in the middle of my fate for the rest of my life. Afraid that my son will never get better. Afraid that I'll give in to my fear and be satisfied if he could only have his arms back. Afraid that God isn't even real and I'm just deluding myself.
Yeah, I know I haven't been given a spirit of fear. But I don't feel very powerful, and my mind isn't all that sound anymore. What's a guy to do?
I get to work and crack the Bible before I start. Yeah, it's become a habit - I've been doing it every morning long enough to think of it even when my mind is muddled with fear. So I open the Bible to the next chapter - Psalm 40. Here's what I read -
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie!
5 You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.
And then in verse 11 -
11 As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!
12 For evils have encompassed me beyond number; my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me! O LORD, make haste to help me!
14 Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether who seek to snatch away my life; let those be turned back and brought to dishonor who delight in my hurt!
15 Let those be appalled because of their shame who say to me, "Aha, Aha!"
16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, "Great is the LORD!"
17 As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!
It's good, isn't it? But I feel like a meth addict must feel - I got a taste of what I need, but it's not enough. I feel like it can never be enough. I feel like God is doling out just enough biblical crank to keep me hooked, but not enough to satisfy me.
Yeah, I know God isn't like that. But it's so real. I fight it off, pray for a minute, and hit the grindstone for the day.
Eight hours later, I'm on my way home. I want to hear my wife's voice, so I call her. We talk for a second, but she's in the middle of something so I let her go. I drive homeward, feeling alone. I stop on the side of the road for a few minutes, get out of the car, sit on the guardrail and hold my head in my hands.
I park the car in front of the house, knowing that my family needs me to be upbeat and hopeful, so I pray for the strength to be that for them as I walk up to the door. This time it works.
Tonight, we get my son into bed, and as I walk back into the room, my wife is working with him to identify the places where he can and can't feel anything. It's still numb on the back of his head, and stops at his neck. And suddenly it's just too much, and as they talk, I get on my knees, put my face on the floor and pray. I beg God for mercy. I beg Him for my son's life. I am sobbing, my throat stretching into a silent scream of desperation as I plead for my son - I'm too weak to be bold, so I beg instead.
A few minutes later, and my wife is playing with Connor - they laugh together as she slaps his bare stomach, and he suddenly stops the action -
- "Do that again."
- "Do what?"
- "Slap my stomach."
Slap.
- "I can feel the sting!"
----------------------------------------
Print This Page
posted by Eric Williamson @ 8:38 PM
22 Comments
Links to this post
22 Comments:
So what happened next? What were your thoughts? And how will all this impact the next time you are afraid?
Eric,
Thank you for ministering to me, yet again. That may not be your intention, but thank you anyway. Through your raw transparency, I'm able to sympathize with your troubles. I can't begin to say I know what you and your family are going through emotionally, spiritually, physically...but your blog entries give me a glimpse into the torment you experience. And that allows me to pray intelligently for you all.
And seeing your words makes my own trials seem trivial by comparison. Thank you for reminding me of God's Word and how He ministers to each one of us, right where we're at.
I love you guys.
Jenann
Dearest Eric,
Were you this strong of a man before Connor got hurt? Have you always been able to put out your thoughts and feelings in such a transparent, honest way? It is a very rare gift in most men. I felt like I had walked beside you the whole day, observing, waiting, wishing relief was on the way.
I have been struggling with how to console a friend of ours who is going through a divorce. He had married an independently weathly woman who has kept him busy with using his construction skills to upgrade her home the last four years. Now he is homeless, jobless and having difficulty trying to find employment without an address or a job reference for the last four years. Last night I was feeling bad that the only thing I can do for him right now is pray. Your description of needing more after reading scriptures is very real. As "spot on" as the Word can be for what ever we're going through, it doesn't usually "fix" anything at that moment. But PRAYER, that crying out and sobbing at the foot of the cross kind, that HAS BEEN KNOWN to "fix" things. It seems to put things in to action.
I am going to share with my friend Psalm 40 and not belittle my prayers. Prayer is surely what has brought us through this far. Connor's slow but sure healing just spurs me on to keep on praying, trusting and believing.
I'm still expecting more great things!
Renée
Lebanon, TN
Eric,
I think I wrote these words to a song my sister used to sing many years ago. Although, my struggles are minute in comparison to your struggles, the words comfort me (along with all the Scripture verses too).
~Have the clouds round you gathered in the midst of the storm?
~Is your ship tossed and battered, are you weary and worn?
~Don't lose hope someone's praying for you this very day,
~And peace be still is already on your way.
~When it seems that you've prayed, till your strength is all gone,
~And your tears fall like raindrops all the day long,
~Jesus cares and He knows just how much you can bear,
~He'll speak your name to someone in prayer.
~Someone is praying for you.
~Someone is praying for you.
~When it seems you're all alone and your heart would break in two,
~Remember, someone is praying for you.
We do not know how you feel, Eric. We cannot give you advice, but you can be yourself. The people who love you will understand if you just want to say, "You know what? This stinks!" I do admire your truthfulness. We are praying. We pray everyday!
Eric,
Your honest thoughts and feelings are very much the same as the author of much of Psalms.
Thanks for the consistent honesty - it lets us know how to pray and it's not the placid veneer "everything is fine" when it's not true.
God is expanding all of us as no one is immune to the wonderings - is God listening & answering?
We are with you guys!
Paul & Debbie Belt - Visalia, CA
wow Eric,
OK i was so blessed and touched by your blog. i may need to redo my makeup for the day now.
i can only imagine how u feel about your boy. keep up the fight! nothing is in vain. i stand in awe of how you all handle your days.
truth is we all struggle with God being real at times and questioning when we hear or feel nothing in reply to our pleas.but time and time again He shows us He is there. In the still moments when all we have in this life is Him.The time you had to pull over on the side of the road it was you and he who stood there. Amazing really! truly amazing.
Eric also you are a gifted writer as well. God bless you and know we are at Sunrise Christian church are praying for you and with you.
sincerely, Mary Carlos
Isn't He awesome?
Thank you for bringing this Psalm toyour blog today. Just a little over 5 weeks ago, I was repeating Psalm 40: 13, 17... over and over and over.... I was 43 weeks pg with my child, who now rests in my arms. I know God holds you in His arms, and that He gently reminds us of that when we need it most.
I've got tears streaming down my cheeks after reading this. Following your blog is like watching scripture unfold before our very eyes. "As a father shows compassion on his children so does the Lord show compassion on those who fear Him."
God bless you and your family.
Nancy Murphy
A high school friend of my son's died instantly in a car accident on 280 a few days ago. She was just 19. I don't know her family and can't imagine their pain but I'd put money on it that they would gladly accept her in a paralyzed condition if only to have her back with them.
Thank you for you honestly Eric. My heart hurts for your family and of course mostly for Conner who has to live (for now) with such limited physical capacity but PRAISE GOD he is alive and PRAISE GOD he has his full mental capabilities - you have your boy!!! Focus on what you HAVE - you have Conner - you can talk with him, laugh with him, watch him grow,(physically, mentally and spiritually). Together you can enjoy the beauty of each day and contemplate the glories of the life to come where all things will be restored to the perfection God intended for his creation. PRAISE GOD through it all - there is POWER in PRAISE - in all things praise the Lord of heaven and earth for He is worthy of our praise!
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" Romans 8:18
Eric,
We continually pray for you and your family! I can only imagine what you are going through! I continue to pray for the Lord's healing hand on Connor, and for His healing hand Spiritually on all of you through this most difficult time. I pray you can feel the Lord's love and presence with you, especially those tough times when all you can do is cry out to Him for help! And when you feel alone. I know God loves to hear you cry out to Him and cling to Him!
I too, couldn't help but cry when I read your blog, and began pouring my heart out to the Lord for you, Connor and family. We will continue to pray for all of you Eric.
With love in Him!
Kim
Eric,
I read this Psalm this morning and thought I'd share it - and some of my thoughts as I read it - with you (if you haven't already read it recently!):
Ps 143:1 Hear my prayer, O LORD,
Give ear to my supplications!
In Your faithfulness answer me,
And in Your righteousness.
2 Do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no one living is righteous.
3 For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness,
Like those who have long been dead.
4 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
5 I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
6 I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
7 Answer me speedily, O LORD;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
8 Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.
9 Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
In You I take shelter.
10 Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.
11 Revive me, O LORD, for Your name’s sake!
For Your righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.
12 In Your mercy cut off my enemies,
And destroy all those who afflict my soul;
For I am Your servant. (NKJV)
I especially like verses 5, 6 and 8. In the midst of our trials (and as you've mentioned in the past), we need to remember what God has done in the past - and not just for us, personally! That's why it's so good to be in the Word during trials and read of God's faithfulness. And to long for God as a thirsty land longs for water... I long to long for God in that way! Finally, in 8 David is simply acknowledging his dependence on God to even be aware of His lovingkindness, to know how he should order his life... I long for that kind of dependence.
Oh - and verse 11 - revive me for YOUR name's sake, O LORD! Not for my own... Wow.
Praise God for His abiding faithfulness--it's hard because we want to know what's going to happen next year not just today but our God knows best. The Psalm you quoted has become very special to me since a group of us started doing Beth Moore's study, "Get me out of the Pit" which is based on Psalm 40. I don't usually recommend books--or specific Bible studies--but this one struck right where I needed it.
I do need you to know that I went to the first night and said to those attending that I didn't feel like was in a pit of any kind at that particular time. That was Sept 15; on Sept 22, I fractured my wrist and was unable to do my "regular" job until Thanksgiving. Boy, did I find myself in a pit! Cheryl
Continuing to pray for you all, and continue to be amazed as each step unfolds....remember when we were praying for feeling, for a new shelter for Connor, for clear lungs, for a stable heart.....God continues his faithfulness in little steps in his own time.....
Hold Fast!
I came to let you know of a challenge I received that you all might benefit from this year but now my eyes are tear-filled. I'm so glad that God gave you such an audible message!
I have a friend whose child suffered a choking incident in October. She was 11 months old. She spent more than 5 weeks in a children's hospital and has damage in the majority of her brain. They aren't quite sure yet how severe but because she was without oxygen but quite some time it will definitely be life-altering. They are learning how to be a family in this "new normal" with a twin daughter to the child who choked and a son, almost three. She has amazing perspective and challenged all of her blog readers this Christmas to think of something that happened this past year that you were thankful for that you DIDN'T want to be thankful for.
I thought of your family and what this might mean for you as Connor's accident was so tragic but has also inspired many blessings.
I'll continue to lift your family in my prayers and pray for 2009 to bring many small steps, such as the one you've blogged about. It is the daily victories that make the marathon worth while.
Blessings!
Staci
So many hurting people, so many perspectives, so many wise words. Thanks to each of you who posted because your words reach into the deepest places of the hearts of folks who read these blogs, mine included. I was really touched by the words that "anonymous" shared about the woman who would give anything to have her daughter alive and to be in Connor's position right now. It's certainly a matter of perspective sometimes, isn't it? I think of the apostle Paul who said that he managed to find contentment in whatever circumstances he was in....! WOW! How did he do it?? I think he must have aligned his perspective with God's, somehow, and determined that he would rest in the knowledge that God knew about EVERYTHING. Oh, to have that trust, that faith, that peace. This is my prayer for you, Williamson family--that you would stay focused on God, growing deeper in dependence, trust, and confidence that He knows absolutely everything and He is there with you.
Eric,
Once again as I read through your blog I am amazed at your honesty as so many of us often so on here. You always remind me that I have so much to be thankful for. I must say, that since meeting Connor and your family on Christmas Eve, that I have thought so much about the things I said that evening. I also realized that in all the praying I've done and listing to your requests on this blog, that I don't feel I have prayed with an open heart believing that Connor will be restored. I have thought so much about how is life would be better if only he could move his hands or if only he could breathe on his own. It is through those minutes with you all that I realized I haven't been praying as a believer as I should have been. I, too, believe that Connor's health can be restored and I join you in those prayers.
I know I ramble and what comes out on a blog doesn't come out as beautifully as what others say, but it all comes from the heart.
Thank you once again for having the courage to include us on this journey with your family and with Connor. And, for reminding us to be grateful to Him for all that we have. Please let Brad know that we pray for him and his situation as well.
-Gina Vaiana
Morgan Hill
Eric,
I am blessed by your honesty. I can remember having a lot of those same feelings after Trenton died, but I sure never had the courage to voice them. Satan always attacks when we are tired and drained. I know this is probably a stupid question, but are you getting an adequate amount of sleep? I would lay in bed exhausted with thoughts like, "What if this Christianity thing is just a joke? Or If God loved you He wouldn't let you hurt so badly. On and on it went.
It is such a difficult spot to be in because when you are there you might know that God is good all the time, but quite frankly it certainly doesn't feel like it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is please know that there are people who in some way can understand what you're feeling and who have been there too. I have to cling to the fact that God gave me salvation and that is far more than I could ever deserve. In this life we will have trials, but take heart He has overcome the world. Praise God someday all will be well, but today my heart is heavy for the pain that you are feeling, maybe because it hits so close to home, but God really is still on the throne, and He really does love you and your family.
Caring for you and praying in Oregon
I have another beautiful Psalm for you, Eric! This one looks quite Messianic. I added a few comments in [brackets].
Ps. 146:1 Praise the LORD!
Praise the LORD, O my soul!
2 While I live I will praise the LORD;
I will sing praises to my God while I have my being. [Interesting "condition" he puts on his praise!]
3 Do not put your trust in princes,
Nor in a son of man, in whom there is no help.
4 His spirit departs, he returns to his earth;
In that very day his plans perish. [A great reminder! Put your trust in God alone...]
5 Happy [blessed] is he who has the God of Jacob for his help,
Whose hope is in the LORD his God,
6 Who made heaven and earth,
The sea, and all that is in them; [Jesus]
Who keeps truth forever, [Jesus=The Truth]
7 Who executes justice for the oppressed,
Who gives food to the hungry. [Jesus=the Bread]
The LORD gives freedom to the prisoners. [Jesus came to lead captives free!]
8 The LORD opens the eyes of the blind; [He healed the blind!]
The LORD raises those who are bowed down [spiritually and physically! "Come unto Me all you who are weary and heavy laden..."];
The LORD loves the righteous.
9 The LORD watches over the strangers;
He relieves the fatherless and widow;
But the way of the wicked He turns upside down.
10 The LORD shall reign forever—
Your God, O Zion, to all generations.
Praise the LORD! (NKJV)
Keep focusing on Jesus! And praise Him!
The posting by Anonymous Dec 30 2:17 about his son's friend dying instantly in a car crash, and that Eric should be thankful he has Connor ( see spelling for Connor, or not er ) in the flesh.............really? How could any of us know what would be easier to handle. Maybe the girl who dies instantly is easier to swallow than watching her live in a paralyzed state every day.
My point is, Eric is hurting tremendously. To disregard his pain and imply that he should be grateful because it could be worse, is insensitive. Maybe this is worse. Do you know ?? Exactly!!!
Blessings to Connor and his family at this hard time.
G. Monroe
To all your family...
I consistently pray for you as does our church family. I am drawn over and over to Psalm 77 by our Lord. "...my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak..." We are and have been for weeks now, incapacitated by record snowfall - over 50 inches, none of which has melted away. Yet we do not have any idea of the confinement Connor feels and that your family painfully and consistently experienced with him each minute of almost 200 days. But we lift you up with hundreds and thousands of fervent hands, eyes, voices...beseeching Christ Almighty for peace, healing, faith and endless hope. When you cannot rise, when you cannot look to heaven, when you cannot get off your knees or face, when you cannot choke out an utterance to Him, we are all doing it on all your behalf. I am convinced that every minute of every day for all the 200 days and all the days to come, that somewhere, someone, IS rising, looking to heaven, uttering prayers to our Father for every one of you. Thank you for your completely honest and human profession of fears, hopes, joys and pains. We love you, we always will in Christ, through Christ, because of Christ.
Carol Harrington
I know your struggles; maybe not to the magnitude...but definitely patience, or lack thereof. Mom's cancer surgery was January 3, 2007 and they told us feeding tube for six months, then all should be better. Well...Saturday will be two years and we are still waiting...but just this week...we have four days PAINFREE with the tube. Praise GOD! Painfree for the first time in two years!
IN HIS TIME!
Love you all!
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home