Day 179 - December 10 - I wish I was dead
That sentence summed up the day today, and was uttered by Connor this evening as we scrambled to keep him healthy. Because his cold has moved down into his chest, we are having difficulty keeping his O2 saturation up where it should be. He can't cough very well, and so it's a never-ending struggle to keep him breathing well, with the added incentive that if we fail in this, the boy ends up back in the hospital. Tonight, we wound up resorting (for the first time since we came home) to bottled oxygen to keep him saturated. The stress of the situation, along with our poor communication, drove all of us past the edge and we ended up angry and frustrated and snapping at each other. Connor feels this is his fault, even though it isn't, and our actions finally drove him to tears. He wept and gave vent to his despair, and (once again) we tried with little success to lift him and reassure him, and to remind him of God's faithfulness when it's impossible to find.
Please - continue your prayers for us, I beg you. We are in desperate need of it, and the need persists and increases each day.
I also need to thank you all for that support and prayer. If the previous sentence didn't convince you of it, we are reliant on it.
God bless,
Eric
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 10:36 PM
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21 Comments:
Praying even now...Despite the setbacks and fears, the flared tempers and sense of urgency, I pray that God would fill your hearts with the peace of His presence and the sure knowledge that He is right there walking alongside of you.
Dear Eric:
Thank you for sharing openly about the struggles. I'm so sorry you all had a rough day (to say the least!). Our son was born with some serious intestinal health issues. He was sick for the better part of his first 5 years or so. I do remember that as soon as things got stressful, my husband and I would start snapping at eachother. Not sure why. Hey, it happens still today!
I know it's hard to see, but I'm amazed at how well things have gone since you've had him home. To my knowledge, you haven't had to call 911 a single time!
I've also been meaning to say that with regard to the many times you feel you don't have anything worthy of saying, so why post?.... I can only speak for myself, but I want to know every day how Connor is doing and how you all are doing. I always appreciate your transparency when you share. Of all the lessons I've learned from this website, you have taught me that transparency before God is what He wants.
You all are in a situation that is truly unthinkable. I remember the incredible feeling of helplessness as my son would cry in pain every time he woke up and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. It seems that God is asking too much!
Eric and family, you are an incredible blessing to many of us and to Connor and Joelle...even where there is tension, etc., there is also love.
I am praying for you all today...health, restoration, rehabilitation, patience and for the love of God to fill your home.
Blessings,
Lynne Piper
Houston, Texas
Psalm 107:19-20- Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress. He sent forth His Word and healed them and rescued them from the grave."
Psalm 62:1- "My soul finds rest in God alone."
Psalm 119:147-148- "I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your Word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises."
May you find strength and hope in His Word today. Only He can give you peace and comfort in times like these.
Hello Williamson's,
I was in MH last week with Ralph on business, I was hesitant to come and see you all, I didn't want to disrupt your daily endeavors without enough notice and I was unsure of our schedule.
I read this blog and I immediately went to prayer, regretting not making the effort to call at least.
I opened my bible and this scripture caught my eye:
"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offsrping may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him for he is your live and length of days that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers...." Deuteronomy 30:19,20
I am reminded of Connor throughout the day wearing my orange wristband and will pray for you all.
Carolyn Brogan
Praying fervently for all of you. Connor, you are so very loved by God and by so many people, even those who haven't even met you. You are such an amazing young man. We'll be praying for this respiratory illness to be resolved quickly.
Our hearts ache to think of what you experience...everyday....Praying for you all...Pleading for you...May God minister to all of you..I have this verse marked in my bible for connor..."He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters." Ps.l8:l6
May He reach down and draw you all out....
We are praying...
Love
Kathy MacPhail
Shifting Emotion:
Does God really care about this situation I’m in?
Solid Truth:
God is with us. As we cry out to Him, we are reminded of His help. Proverbs 61:1-4, “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.” (NIV)
I pray for Connor has he goes through these times of despair and feels like everything is his fault. I pray that God will comfort his soul.
I can't imagine the stress you all are under. We will continue to pray for you, but if there is anything physically that we can do, please let us know.
Laura
Kathy MacPhail thank you for that scripture. I have it posted next to Connor's picture on my fridge. I want to remember DAILY that God did rescue him from deep waters for our Lord has a plan for him.
I wept today for your struggles dear family...you are being stretched to unthinkable pressure.
Please know that we are out here for you...spiritually and physically...please call on us anytime. Even for the simplest thing...we can run to the store for you Eric.
In your despair Connor you did the best thing...CRYING OUT TO GOD. Do not be afraid to let him know your deepest hurts, fears...YELL THEM TO THE ROOFTOPS as He will hear you and wants you to come to him.
We love you every day.
Kathleen Shaffer
Morgan Hill
Oh, sweet, sweet family!! Know that we are in prayer for you right now. I don't know what it is like on the parent end, but Connor I too remember feeling like I have put my family out. I know for a fact that they would have you alive then the alternative. Sometimes it is hard to see the next second or even half a second but always remember that our steps are ordered of God and to God our day is only a nanosecond. Why do we sometimes feel life would be better without us? Maybe it is because of our situation and the change in the family dynamics.
Oh is the devil being a sly fox again? I'm not real sure. Remember that we are in a race and that some laps or miles are hard and frustrating. We will overcome and someday you will look back and say, " was I really that bad off?" You will make it and oh whAt a prize you will attain, everyone of you will.
We love you and send many hugs in your direction.
Oh, did your OT or nurses/doctors teach you the Quad-cough? If not it is almost like the Heimlich but someone pushes on your diaphragm when you attempt to cough. Ask someone to show you, if you haven't seen it.
I'm so sorry for the struggles. I've had a miserable cold for a week now, and I pray, "Lord, please take this away." I can't imagine how much worse that it must be for Connor. I can't get much sleep at night for all the coughing and choking, but at least I'm able to cough. It will remind me from now on to pray for Connor when I'm coughing. I'd be willing to take both our colds if I could so that his would be removed.
I'll be praying for healing for his cold. And, Connor, know that you are a valuable precious gift to your parents!
Precious and Gracious Father,
Holy Comforter, Lover of our souls, I ask Your blessings on Connor and his thoughts tonight. Allow Him to feel Your amazing Strength pulsating through his weak body. For You tell us that Your Strength is made perfect in our weakness, Hallelujah! I rejoice in You and who You are, You know all things and You know Connor, Eric, & Chere's despair at this very moment. Holy Spirit, breathe on them and ease their burdens, invade the broken places of their hearts and grant Your sufficient grace. I praise You in this storm! We all bare their burdens and lift them up for Your amazing work to be done. I love You Father God. In the Precious and Blessed name of JESUS, Amen.
This is pretty strange how it worked out this way.
Even if you are not religious, you should read this.
You may have already seen this…I know I had before…but I got it today and it encouraged me…hope it does the same for you
The shortest chapter in the Bible is Psalm 117
The longest chapter in the Bible is Psalm 119
The chapter in the centre of the Bible is Psalm 118
There are 594 chapters before Psalm 118 and there are 594 chapters after Psalm 118
Add these two numbers and you get 1188
The centre verse in the Bible is Psalm 118:8
Does this verse say something significant about God’s perfect will for our lives?
The next time someone says they would like to find God’s perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the centre of His will, just send them to the centre of His Word!
Psalms 118:8 (NKJV)
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."
Now isn't that odd how this worked out… or was God in the centre of it? Before sending this, I said a prayer for you. Have you got a minute — 60 seconds for God?
All you do is simply say a small prayer for the person who sent you this to you.
"Father God, bless my friend in whatever it is that you know he or she may be needing this day! May their life be full of your peace, prosperity, and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with You…in Jesus name Amen.”
Then send it on to 10 other people. Within hours, 10 people have prayed for you, and you caused many people pray to God for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God at work in your life for doing the thing that you know He loves. When things get tough, always remember... faith doesn't get you around trouble, it gets you through it ! "When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness."
May God bless you!
I'm not sure why, exactly, but reading this post just now made me think of this verse which I read this morning:
...receive with meekness the implanted word [rooted in your hearts], which is able to save your souls. James 1:21b (NKJV)
It goes well with Michelle's quote of Ps 107 - perhaps that's why.
We're standing with you in prayer...
Oh, how my heart goes out to you. I don't really know WHAT to say except that I understand. My daughter told me, years after being in a body cast for months, that there were times when she just wanted to die. It was usually when an infection set in or she felt just so alone and separated from her friends.
Praise God that He is always faithful and gives us strength for even the hardest moments!
Our love to you all and prayers for Connor's health (and blessings to you for being a GREAT family!)
Cheryl
p.s. yes, the quad cough DOES work!
My heart breaks for your despair. I am in prayer for you so many times throughout the day and I just hope, hope, hope that you all sense my prayers of comfort for you guys as well as everyone else's.
Connor.....it's hard to come up with the "right" words. It's like no matter what I want to say, it doesn't feel adequate. It's not enough. I just keep asking and asking God for healing, for peace and for perseverance for you and for your family and hope that my prayers are answered. I know they are some of the time, and I won't stop lifting you all up.
You guys are in my thoughts every day.
Love in Christ,
Claudia Rizzi
All of us Fresno Robinsons are praying for you. Lord Jesus, intervene and bring health and peace. We love and miss all of you!
Kristie and Wade plus family
Sending out prayers from Riverside, CA to all of you. May God bless and keep you all.
Good morning, or should I say God morning. I am in tears over your situation on the 10th. I pray as many are doing. I say what does God have in store for you and your family, especially Connor. God does understand and He knows all things. Please know we love you all. Marge Albrecht, Spring Creek, Nevada, out in the middle of nowhere in the center of gold country.Imagine that.
I tried to send a comment a few nights ago and wasn't successful. I was very concerned about Connor. His doctors should know if he has gotten a cold and it's in his chest. They might want him on antibotics. They may also be able to help you get him to cough. There may be a special way to help him cough. Please call the doctor and let them know what's happening if you haven't already. I pray that he comes through all of this and feels alot better. I pray and think of him everyday.
The rush of the season caught me last week; and while I still checked the blog, I hadn't taken a moment to post a reminder of my constant support. But this past email showed me of how insignificant anything I'm facing on a scattered day or two is compared to what you work with/around/through each day. My heart goes out to all of you. There will be more up and down days to come I'm sure, but you have your absolute belief in your faith and the following of hundreds of people who reach out to you constantly in their thoughts. I know it's not much support in the physical sense, but hopefully it offers something for you mentally. A BIG hug to all of you.
Praying for you in Charlottesville.
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