Day 92 - September 15 - K is for King
I apologize for not posting anything yesterday. I wound my day up entrenched in envy and jealousy after meeting a young man yesterday afternoon. This young man came by in his wheelchair, without a trach and able to move his arms and control his fingers to some degree, and his injury was not only more severe than Connor's at the same level, but also happened a month after the boy's.
Connor looked on from his bed, craning his neck to see out the door. I couldn't help but draw the comparison between one young man, lacing obscenities through his speech without concern while blithely wheeling his chair up and down the corridors, and another young man, one who is striving desperately to believe that God cares about him at all, barely able to turn his head to see what was going on.
Now I go through the exercise of trying to find something - anything - that if I look at it just a certain way - looks a little bit like maybe there's a tiny, tiny speck of provision in it. And I ask myself, "If I have to do THAT, then who is really providing here?" If I have to turn my head a certain way to come up with something that looks like we're being taken care of, are we really being taken care of or am I just making this crap up?
I woke up this morning at my usual darkened hour, and asking myself how I should pray. I began by remembering Connor's K-word for the day - "King", and I tried to praise Him for being sovereign. I also tried to praise Him for Keeping us (that's my K-word). As I prayed, I was reminded of Philippians 4:8 -
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
And I was reminded of Romans 8:35-37 -
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."
And so another seemingly hopeless day moves forward, one in which we are supposed to somehow be more than conquerors. But I feel like I'm trying to build one of those cheap bicycles you buy at Walmart; the ones that you need an instruction manual just to interpret the instruction manual. I don't know how to do this anymore. I can't keep putting on the cheery face and pretend everything's alright. It's not.
I often tell Connor "Tomorrow might be the day." And I wonder if it's just wishful thinking on my part. Many of you are probably nodding your heads and thinking "Good, he's finally coming out of denial". But I'm not - I'm screaming as my confidence and faith are torn bodily from my soul. I frantically try to cling to them, but they slip through my fingers like sand.
How do I hold on?
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 8:19 AM
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26 Comments:
He is our Keeper.
Isaiah 26:3 He will KEEP in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, beause he trusts in you.
I know you're probably saying, "I trusted so why don't I have peace."
I wish I had the answer to that. I can totally relate to feeling unloved and that life is just spinning out of control. I wondered is there even a God up there who is watching? If so, does He even care? Why did my son die when the couple that were dirty and swearing took their little girl home to a home that you knew was a mess.
I guess hindsight is better because I can look back and say He was there all along. I so wish I had the words to say that would take your pain away, or raise the boy up. All I can say is that I understand. I don't know if that means anything or not. I think especially in America we are so focused on right now instead of on eternity. Speaking of myself, I know that's true.
I Cor. 1:8
He will KEEP you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on th eday of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Jude :24
To Him who is able to KEEP you from falling and to present you before HIs glorious presence without fault and with great joy.
Know that He will keep you. Which is a good thing because where you are, and where I've been, if He didn't do the keeping we'd both end up in a bad way.
Praying for the whole family.
Eric,
As an unbeliever, I know I am completely out of place trying to say anything helpful or appropriate here, but seeing your heart wrenched like this grieves my soul, just as a human and as a parent, so I feel I must attempt a response.
As far as the young man wheeling himself and his mouth around with such abandon, I recall a verse that says something about God causing the rain to fall on the just and the unjust, which of course you know already, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear; it really ISN'T fair. Proabably some people out there are thinking of what a grand opportunity you have to be a witness to this guy, but...
Okay, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, maybe that some times it's okay to NOT believe ; sometimes life makes more sense that way.
Aahh, thinking of you with my aching heart.
Know/ - God is all-knowing, and He knows us, each of us, individually.
Back to Psalm 139!
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
I can somewhat relate to the feelings you experienced with the guy rolling around in his wheelchair yesterday. I have had similar experiences where my loved one was still stuck in bed filled with pain, and other patients were up and walking laps around the halls, seeming to make much quicker and better progress. It's very frustrating, I know.
Still praying for you all, for strength and wisdom for each day. God knows. He knows every detail, every anxious, frustrating, angry, desperate thought & emotion, and He knows the future. He has a plan - which is so hard to say and sounds almost trite when you've been through so much already, so many ups and downs, and you're still not where you want to be. It's so hard to wait, isn't it? Cling to what you know is true - God is faithful, He is with you, He knows you, and He has a plan, even when we can't see it.
~Amy
The Silva boys say:
God is KIND
We're praying for you Connor, Eric, Cherie and Joelle. I hope it's a small comfort knowing that we're lifting you up to our Lord in prayer and trying to help bear your burdens.
Love, Kathy
ooh i said KING too Connor great minds think alike haha hang in there buddy luv ya see u later
Eric, your question at the end of your blog is,
How do I hold on?
Time to let go, time to surrender all to the one who is more than able,
when you can't hold on trust God and let go, our God has a very tight grip on you and He will not let you go.
PS. 37:24
Though they stumble, they will never fall. For the Lord holds them by the hand.
PS. 63:8
I cling to you; Your right hand holds me securely.
Col. 1:17
He existed before anything else, and He holds all creation together.
2 Thes. 3:16
May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way.
Praying without ceasing
Eric, right now it's almost impossible for you to see beyong the great loss that Connor and all of you must face. This is all just too much to bear on your own. I know you have your wonderful, loving family, and you have those of us who have become your "extended" family too; but perhaps your Pastor, a close friend, or someone in your church who can come along side of you and minister to you and talk with you one on one frequently to help you right now to shoulder this heavy burden.
Don't be down on yourself Eric. Your feelings are normal and much more well balanced than mine would be under the same circumstances.
The Unbeliever at 9:36 AM above said his/her heart ached for you. Eric, mine does too -- I only wish there was something I could do to make it different. But this is in God's hands. And you must leave it with Him and trust Him to make sense of it. God loves you Eric and his love is really all you need.
God Bless You,
MT
C'ville
Praying for you all, Eric, as you "walk through the valley of the shadow of death"... the faithful Shepherd guiding you along through.
Love,
Jeri Tanner
Dear Eric and family:
I cried out to the Lord yesterday on behalf of your family. I, too, wish I had something to say that would be of encouragement. All I can say is that we are praying with you, we are hurting for you, and we will stay engaged in Connor's battle.
Blessings,
Lynne Piper
Houston, Texas
I don't know how you hold on. But, I do know God will never let you go. Even in the pit of despair, the pain of suffering, or even in the valley of the shadow of death, God's got you. His hands are strong, and God never lets go. He will keep you and your family now and for eternity.
Praying for Connor and your family.
How do you hold on? By looking to the God who can do MORE than merely tell a man to get up and walk.
He can, like the West Hills family heard last night, replace a heart of self-rightousness with one of humility. He can trade desires for alcohol and possessions for love for God and others.
He can give me a heart that WANTS to want to love making my life with my husband and girls more than it wants to be a super star Vice President.
I am learning to see that sometimes God has actually permitted my despair at my circumstances so that when He then changes my heart to give me joy in them, I see that change for the miracle of God's grace that it is.
Asaph has been where we are (see Psalm 73). Job was where we are. And Jesus was where we are, when He asked His Father on the cross why He had been forsaken. Jesus didn't just say that for some kind of dramatic Cecil B. DeMille effect. He MEANT it. He FELT it. And, most incredibly, He CHOSE it, for you and for me, to purchase our right to the same power that He had to have victory over it, and to give us real, eternal joy.
I'm praying for that same power for you today. We all are.
I started a list years ago of things I'm going to ask God when I get to heaven. They're questions about things I just plain don't understand. My list starts with things like -childbirth. What was God thinking??!! Also on my list for God are a whole group of questions like: God, why did my husband have to become disabled 15 years ago? Do you really think this is Your best for him...and the best for our family? God, did you really think it was a good idea for me to have to switch rolls with my husband...and still raise my kids? God, please tell me this wasn't all about me...and my need to change.
Eric, I know how it is when well-meaning, people say, "Oh, take one day at a time...you'll get through it. God is good." Well, sometimes it doesn't FEEL like God is so good. Sometimes it feels awful. It feels like a death...but the person is still alive! And it's okay to grieve. It doesn't make you less of a Christian...it makes you a Christian who has an opportunity to be mad, grieve, speak/share honestly and then ultimately--make a choice. A HUGE choice. Is this event in your life going to make you bitter or better. And it IS a choice. And it's a choice you have to reaffirm often! Grief often comes in waves and from 'out of the blue'. Everything can be going fine and then--bam--someone shows up in a wheelchair and has the hope of a productive life and your head just goes spinning! And then...it's time for an attitude adjustment! Bitter or better? Oh...and another thing for the list!
The way you hold on is to look at your son! He's the one who can't move! You have to hold on and have faith, you have to set the example. He's alive, be grateful for that and the fact that he has his mental facilities about him. He could be worse and God only knows all you have to do is look around you and you can always find someone else who is worse off that you and yours. He also has God there are so many out there who don't and maybe through this web site they just might come to know him. Hang on.
I have been reading your blog several times a day since this happened but not posted. Yesterday I was reading another blog that I also follow regarding a baby born over a year ago with a severe defect. Her parents posted this verse and I have felt led to share it with you. My prayers are with you daily. (I live in Lakewood, CA)
Lamentations 3:19-33 (The Message)
I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
to stick it out through the hard times.
When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The “worst” is never the worst.
Why? Because the Master won’t ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way.
Lord God, we are only able to approach You because of the work on the cross done by Christ. He was and is the Righteous One, Guiltless one, Holy One. He alone makes intercession for us to Your throne. We pray for restoration for Connor today, Lord, that the world may know Your goodness, Your nercy, Your power and Your grace--that You alone would be accorded the eminent position that is Your rightful due. Thank you for hearing our prayer, Lord, and honoring our request through the loving goodness of Your Son Jesus. Amen.
This last prayer was left by me--not anonymous!
Eric - oddly enough, in my limited experience, holding on to God involves letting go... letting go of my desire to control my future, letting go of my expectations, letting go of the box I have a strong tendency to put God in....
You know what, those Silva boys know what they are talking about! It is God's KINDNESS which leads us to repentance, after all. As the Apostle Paul wrote:
Romans 2:4 Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? (NAS)
When I think of the phenomenal patience God has had with me over the course of my life... with all of us, really, since who among us is worthy of God's grace and forbearance?
I don't blog very often since it seems someone has already said it, and said it better. I too, have many questions when I get to heaven! I remember, for years I would ask others why my son died. Obviously, no one had the answer and it took a long time to figure out that we just won't ever find the answers this side of heaven. I guess what got me through the tough years was reading books. I love to read and just reading about others and their trials just seemed to help my grieve and questions. I did make a conscience decision that I would not let circumstances break apart the family. That is very hard and the divorce rate is very high when something happens to a child because everyone has to go through their grief differently. Hold on to each other and put one foot in front of the other. We are all praying for you.
Laura for the Coleman's
I wanted to share a story. Bear with me as I try to recall it accuratley. The story was told by Paulo, a missionary our church body supports in Sáo Paulo, Brazil. Sáo Paulo claims to be the third largest city in the world. Paulo works in the slums of the city, the favelas. Sáo Paulo has 2000 favelas, the largest favela with over 100,000 people living in it. Paulo and his team work with the children living in the favelas. They are currently working w/ 700 or so children and hope to reach 2000. They have been blessed w/ "Camp California", a beautiful camp for the children about 50 miles out of the city.
The slums run rampid w/ corruption and crime, and the drug lords are the ruling authorities. In an effort to work more effectively in his ministry, Paulo decided he needed to meet with the drug lords in an effort to share the love of God with them. The meeting was set up, and after being taken to an unknown location, Paulo shared the gospel w/ the kidnappers, murderers, drug dealers and lords of Sáo Paulo. One of them confessed a new found commitment to Christ. He had been in dispair and was tempted to end his life. When he found a bible, he read it and placed his faith in Christ. He is now working w/ youth along side the missions team. Paulo offered the lords to come and visit "Camp California" with their families. They did, and during their stay a wife of one of the drug lords commited her life to Christ. In appreciation to Paulo, the lords offered to help financially support his work with the children. Paulo was quick to respond with a "no thank you", but was pleased to accept their offer of protection in the fevalas. Paulo's team can now move more freely, spreading the love of Christ in a city of lost children with the protection of the ruling criminals. It reminds me of a lady of the night, named Rahab, that once helped a few men escape imprisonment. We may squirm in our seats as we see God use prostitutes and drug lords to further His work.
God uses things He see's fit to bring Him the glory. It isn't for us to say ok or not, but for us to see His work in amazement and to give him the glory. My K is for KNOWING. I rest in His knowing, not in my own.
Like Charlene, I too wish there were words to take away the pain, frustration and anger of what is happening here, but they're aren't. There are just a lot of people holding you up in prayer and some things they just have to be endured. We just don't get to know why this side of heaven, but we are all praying for all of you and we grieve with you, and one day we will rejoice with you too.
I read all of today's posts twice but still don't remember if anyone used the word "KEEPER" to describe our Heavenly Father. He keeps and protects us--because he is all-KNOWING, He knows our going out and our coming in. He knows our pain and our joys. Our prayers continue to be with all of you (as well as all the medical staff that care for Connor) & thank you for the strength you give me for my daily walk :)
Wow! Anonymous (9/15, 5:24pm) - that is an incredible story! Thanks so much for sharing it. Praise God that He uses whatever and whomever He sees fit to use, all for His honor and glory. May we all be willing and available vessels.
Eric,
Would you wish Connor's situation on any one? The young man who is faring 'better' than Connor (physically) is not well in his soul. A lost, dying, broken person if he doesn't know the Lord as his personal Saviour.
The young man would be better off broken in body than lost - it isn't the physical body that enters into heaven and GOD's presence.
God does not 'owe' us health, wealth, or a life free of trials because we accepted Him as our Saviour. He paid the Ulitmate Price for us, we owe Him all we have and all we are.
Be grateful that young man is able to move what he can - then be burdened for his soul.
Keeping you all in our prayers.
~Shayne Barker, Hollister
Eric, hopefully you can come to a place where accepting Connor's situation becomes easier for you. Feel blessed that God has granted you a lovely son who still has all of his mental state; his beautiful smile and strong faith in God. Eric...it could be worse! Find peace in it and begin to enjoy still having Connor as a part of your life. Look forward to the witness Connor can be to those...even less fortunate! They do exist. I don't know if you have met DJ or not; he is the son of Peggy and Bubba Spedale (Aunt Jonell's grandson). DJ suffers from cerebal palsy and is unable to do a lot of things; he is extremely intelligent and capable of many things on a computer; yet he uses his eyes to communicate with the world. He uses a computer to communicate; blinks of the eye and such for all of his communication. I spoke with him via email just last week; it is amazing. He is precious to me and has so much to offer. People think because one is paralyzed or afflicted in any way makes them less of a person...that is not true. Both Connor and DJ have a special gift and we have to appreciate it even though we'd like to change their circumstances. God is good to all!
DJ has a piece of equipment that is available for Connor to use with the computer if the need is there; if interested contact me and I will get in touch with them for details.
Love you SO MUCH!!!!
Evalena
Shayne, I wanted to say the same thing. You said it very well.
Although I still keep praying and expecting great things to continue to happen for and through Connor, I step back and look at the fact that Connor's name is written in the Book of Life and nothing can take that away. There is much to praise God about. But if being rescued from eternal separation from God is all we ever received from choosing to follow Christ in this life, isn't that enough?
I write this with love.
Expecting great things.
Renée
(I thought I already posted this comment, but I don't see it!)
Shayne and Renée - thanks for your loving reminders!
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