Day 72 - August 26 - More Prayer Needed
I often think that I don't effectively convey the thin edge of sanity we walk each day, but here's a new glimpse into my world. For the fourth or fifth day in a row, I have awoken between 5 and 6 AM in the midst of blackhearted despair. I woke up this morning with thoughts like these running amok in my brain -
"We're all alone and no one will help."
"Nobody can do anything to help him anyway."
"He's like this forever, and we have to take care of him until we all die."
"God doesn't care and isn't going to do anything about it even if He did."
Well, you get the picture. A disclaimer - none of these are true. I know they're not true. But when you come awake being swamped by these thoughts, it's as if you're drowning and can't get your face above water long enough to take a breath. In fact, I find myself hyperventilating within seconds of coming alert. I wake up in the middle of a battle to find sanity and truth in this overpowering rush of confusion and lies, and getting my bearings long enough to figure out where I am is difficult.
My usual method of "dealing" with this is to begin praying for Connor and for the Lord to pull us out of this pit, and I try to rebuke the enemy verbally while also not waking Cherié up, all the while also hoping and trying to go back to sleep for just a few more minutes. For the record, this doesn't work so well.
When that doesn't work, I end up tossing and turning for a while until I can't stand it anymore, then I wake Cherié up trying to snuggle close enough to her that I don't feel so abandoned and alone.
After a while, I climb out of bed and make some coffee, grab the Bible and eventually climb out of the pit enough to get the day going, but waking into the midst of such a mire of black despair is killing me.
This morning Cherié said "we need to put this on the blog so people can pray for you". Yes, she's getting tired of me waking her up at O-dark-thirty, but she also happens to be right, so here I am.
A while ago we asked for similar support for Cherié in the morning and me in the evening, and that prayer has been answered mightily. I would ask that if you feel led, some of you might also consider praying specifically for me in this regard in the mornings. Even more, however, I would ask that you would pray for God to show me effective prevention and preparation in this regard, so I can eventually deal with this in the heat of the moment. Sort of a "teach a man to fish" kind of thing - it's better for me to learn to deal with these situations effectively than to just dump the load onto someone else.
Finally, please pray for our physical health - Cherié and I are the ones that feed Connor, and make sure he is cared for properly; and we cannot afford to get sick, both to prevent him from getting anything as well as to ensure someone is there who will give him the care we want him to have. Cherié woke up this morning with a sore throat and stuffy head. Please pray for her health.
Thank you in advance for your help.
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posted by Eric Williamson @ 6:43 AM
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30 Comments:
Good Morning Williamsons:
None of us can tell you anything you don't know.
Indeed I will be praying for all of you; Physical and mental health,
Strength that comes from the Lord.
You are at the cross and on your knees. Thank you for your modeling all that God wants us to do when we are in the thick of it.
You are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Putting on the Full Armor of God.
"...whatever is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil. 4:8
God is on the Throne. The battle is His. You will come through this.
Your strength will be renewed.
Before His throne with you.
Bonnie
I read this in my email this morning and I immediately thought of all of you. Eric, you all have been perfect examples of this. Keep plugged in. Scripture tells us that satan prowls around like a roaring lion. He seeks to kill, still and destroy. But our God has a plan. It is a plan for a hope and a future. HOLD FAST.
Keep Trusting
It says in 1 Peter 1:5-7,
Who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
One of the critical things you and I need to do when faced with trials is continue to trust God in the midst of those trials.
No matter how difficult, do not unplug your faith, even when things get rough. Keep trusting God and His promises. Why? Well, look at what verse 5 says: We are "kept by the power of God through faith."
When you keep your faith plugged in, you are then kept by God's power.
That word keep means to preserve. It means to protect, to guard. It is used elsewhere in Scripture of a garrison of soldiers protecting something. When you are going through a trial, God will protect you through His power when you trust Him.
That word power is the same word in the Bible translated miracle. I take it to mean this: When you or I are in a season of trial, if God has to work a miracle to keep us and protect us, He will do it.
Whatever your trial...keep trusting.
Visit www.answersBC.org for more resources to encourage you in your relationship with God.
©2008 Answers with Bayless Conley
I will be committing this specific need to prayer every morning. I know you dont believe these 'negatives' are true. I know you and your family trust in God. I also know that we are called his 'children' for many reasons. One of those is because we can be afraid, we can easily get lost, we do tire, we are vulnerable, we ask why often, we can pout, we can be selfish, we can be irrational, we can throw tantrums, but at the end of the day, we know we can crawl up on our Fathers lap and he will love us just the same. And he always does!
You Eric, and Cherie and Joelle and Connor are in our hearts and prayers, and safely in the capable arms of a loving Father.
I read this morning's blog with tears and understanding. Somedays I read your blogs and think these people must be super humans, I still think that you are. :) , but I remember being in the depths of despair, feeling like God didn't love me or care, laying in bed scared that the whole Christianity thing was a joke, and I would never see my son again. Why does Satan attack when it's dark, you're in bed, and you're exhausted? I'm not telling you these things to draw attention to myself. I just wanted you to know that we understand what you're going through. I also wanted you to know that the truth does prevail. I can look back and see that God was there all the time. I can also say that my life now is full of joy and peace. While I wouldn't go so far as to say that I would choose to have gone through that, I can say it's okay. God was faithful.
I'm glad that you shared so that we know how to pray. I was awake from about 2:30 -4:00 AM and while I did pray for Connor and the insurance I wasn't praying against the principalities of darkness in your life. Tomorrow morning if I awake again and I probably will I will certainly be praying about this. In fact as soon as I close this post I'm going to my room for prayer.
As Bonnie said, none of us can tell you anything you don't know. But I'm so thankful we can all pray together.
Eric, our family will be praying for your mental and physical strength to continue to lead your family and deal with everything you're faced with. Cherié, we've been praying for your headaches but will add allergies/cold/whatever to the list. I know that you want and need to be healthy. Praying for both of you to get the rest you need to be there for Connor...and for each other.
Here are some words from David when he was battling some of the same feelings that you described.
Psalm 142
I cry aloud to the LORD, I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him, before him I tell my trouble.
When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see, no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge, no one cares for my life.
I cry to you, O LORD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.
The Duarte's
We are still praying here in Texas. Even though all of us come on here to encourage you, we cannot pretend that we know what all of you are going through, but we do know this...Our God is Good and He will provide for you in this time of need. I will pray constantly the next few days for both of you, Eric and Cherie, that for you Eric, the negative thoughts will cease and you can rest better and for Cherie that the sore throat and stuffy head will go away, so that she can do what a mother wants to do for her child. Of course, Connor is always in our prayers, as well as Joelle. We wish there was more that we could do, but please know that you are not alone.....and we love you!
Hi Family..
We are praying...We will lift you to our God who is mighty and able..
Read these verses and they brought comfort to my heart..May God's word bring you the daily strength you all need..
"He will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness.
The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you."
Ps. 9: 8-l0
Lord..may you be the williamson's shelter... Be their refuge. God they know your name and you said you will not abandon them.. God they need answers... They need sign's.. They need doors to open that are closed right now.. They need comfort.. they need hope.. They need protection from the lies of the enemy.. Favor them.. Let the world know that you are mighty to save.. You are Connor's healer.. You preform miracles.. We are waiting.. We are believing because we have seen your power and we are anticipating more miracles to come..God..show us.. We love you Lord.. Bless this family..Overwhelm them with your goodness..
In your mighty name..Lord.. Amen..
With love..
Kathy MacPhail
I want you to know that we are continuing to pray for you all, that you are able to keep on keeping on, not becoming weary of well doing, although I understand you are weary...
We will pray for continued strength for you all. In our weakness He is strong.
Thanks for letting us know how to pray, Eric.
Are you still memorizing scripture? I've found that meditating on verses which I've memorized has been the most effective thing for me to use to combat waking up early with destructive or disheartening thoughts running through my mind.
For example: "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul" Ps 94:19 Very easy to memorize, but I assure you that you can spend many mornings actively engaged in "being transformed by the renewing of your mind" by setting your mind on God's comforts rather than your anxieties.
Add the two verses prior to Ps 94:19, and you will have quite a passage handy for the Holy Spirit to use when you wake up in the manner you described:
Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul would soon have settled in silence.
If I say, “My foot slips,” Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up.
To borrow from the shampoo bottles: Rinse (your mind), repeat.
Yes, Williamson family, please know that there are scores of us here in the blogosphere who will continue to faithfully hold you up in prayer. When you feel that your strength/emotions/sanity may fail, know that there are brothers and sisters in Christ standing in the gap on your behalf.
Eric, we are also praying as you requested that God will show you how to release all control and allow the Holy Spirit to quicken the Word in a powerful way to completely overcome any depression, uncertainty, wavering, despair or other challenges you are experiencing. Continue to remain faithful.
Dear Eric,
Our Enemy is ruthless and relentless. I hate those assaults, especially when all you want to do is just get some rest.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
The Holy Spirit has been nudging me for a few days to contact you.
I feel like I'm supposed to tell/remind you that God is still in the business of doing incredible miracles. I'm the ICU nurse friend of Kent's that worked in Kenya earlier this summer. I have worked there 3 times now and each trip I witnessed medical miracles. Miracles that blew my crusty old ICU nurse mind away. Miracles there are no explanations for other than God did it.
I continue to believe God has one of those in store for Connor.
Don't give up friend!
Your sister in Christ,
Marcie
Keswick, VA
Eric, you're trying to get your mind around everything at one time. You gotta take little bits of this situation at one time, instead of everything that might happen - and I say "might" because usually the things we worry about NEVER happen. Compartmentalize - sit down with Cherie and say "today we are going to do this, or that, or whatever; and tomorrow we will look into whatever today brings to the table." A cord of two threads is much stronger than one.
Also, you might take a couple of Tylenol PM tables right before bed then start reading the most boring book you can find. This works for me almost every time. I've even gotten up at 3:00 am and taken another one when I wake up in the middle of the night with something I can't get off my mind.
Eric, you have a whole host of earthly saints praying constantly for Connor and for each of you. When you feel your spiritual strength ebbing relax and repeat several of your favorite Bible verses, because remember that cord of two threads, well now it is strengthened by numerous others.
Your posts have been filled with new, positive things happening to Connor's physical condition. How wonderful, how glorious, how magnificant!! Everything is going to work out so be of good cheer.
In His Love,
MT
C'ville
Sending you all my love and support. Wishing I could hold you all in my arms. Just remember Eric, that this is all normal and you are feeling what all of would feel if in your shoes. It is ok to lose grasp sometimes, you are stronger then you know. Just remember we are all praying for you and hold you in our hearts. God Bless you all. xxoo...Sara
Cherie, honey...
You are so right! We do need to know about this stuff. So thank you, Eric, for letting us in even further. I'm not awake at the hour you're waking up (unless I happen to stay up all night), but I'm usually up so late that it's only a few short hours before you wake up. I'm sure God won't forget my prayers within that short a time. hehehe I'll be lifting you up before His throne, keeping your request in mind.
Love you guys,
Jenann
P.S. HI CONNOR!!
Eric, thank you for sharing your most inner feelings with us so we can pray accordingly. My thoughts immediately went to Eph.6...
"10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
And I suspect that the following verses would also be your hearts desire.
"19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."
Eric, your present struggles are not going unnoticed. I Cor.15 says...
"58Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
In a real sense, I believe you are doing the work of the Lord right now in the setting you find yourself in. Stand firm....
GG
Eric I know that you know what you need to do. Im always praying for you guys. God is your comfort, you know that, he will give you the sleep you need. Please say hi to Connor for me. Your in a mission field rigth now, only our awesome Lord knows what to do, hold on tight. and your light will grow to everyone. I LOVE YOU, ANNIE
Eric,
The fact that you know what you DO know - that our hearts can deceive us and that only God through His Word and through the prayers of His people, can change us, is direct, undeniable, never changing proof of how He is strengthening you and keeping you by His power. We at the Starke house are in the very same battle, even though it's on different fronts, and God used your words to convict me of my own futile search for strength and power from anywhere else. Thank you.
One more thing - If you are at all able, please, please, take time to listen to yesterday and today's podcasts from Desiring God (John Piper), entitled "God Strengthens Us By The Gospel"
http://www.oneplace.com/Ministries/Desiring_God/
If you don't have a fast connection, let me know and I will burn them on a CD and send them to you. They're that important for you to hear...
Praying hard for you guys today.
Jeff for the Slavich fam
RE: your "fine edge of sanity"...you're a lot more sane than you might think... you're not going crazy, you're reacting quite admirably....I doubt many of us, including me, ...especially me!!!! would be able to cope and function under similar circumstances ... we're all in your corner...and so is GOD!!... HOLD FAST ... you've got great kids, a great wife, you've got people who love you and are willing to do ANYTHING we can to help, and most importantly, you've got JESUS and GOD.... end of pep-talk ............
Go CONNOR
JD+1
Dear Williamson family ... I woke up with ya'll on my heart this morning. Upon checking in with your blog, I realize once again how very specifically our loving Dad in Heaven cares for us through the availing prayers of those in Christ Jesus, His Son.
Psalm 118 is my prayer for you today: "Out of my distress I called upon the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free and in a large place. (verse 5)
God is listening and He is answering (Selah ...).
Often times His answers are lost in the translation of real-life but He is faithful to comfort us, to abide with us and to extend His Love in tangible and unexpected ways.
Standing with you … Teresa (friend of Karen Sheppard) from The Great State of Oklahoma!
Dear friends in the faith--just by the number of comments that you have gotten today, I can tell how many are upholding you in their prayers b/c I know just a fraction feel they can write what their hearts are feeling. I know that I am truly inadequate at telling you guys how much people all around the world are remembering you 24/7 in prayer but Satan still tries to take up those late night & early morning hours.
As so many others have written, we have grown in our faith by all you have shared. In addition, all you have expressed is so normal that we'd be worried about you if you didn't say it sometime. In a similar circumstance, I found just writing it down so beneficial and so really appreciate the "therapy" that your sharing it with us can be to you.
God bless you all with health & strength and discernment :) Cheryl
Praying......
Eric, we already know what you must be thinking and feeling, especially those of us who have endured similar things. It's no secret! Please know that other people, even total strangers like myself, wake up in the morning with those thougts on our minds, they come at us when we're driving or working....and we are moved to pray for you. I come here because you are one of the few people in the world who knows what I felt, what I went through during my "thing." The only difference is, my thing is now behind me, and you're in it. So I come to walk with you. I'm willing to come back to this place and join my heart and prayers with yours. "I want to know the fellowship of sharing in His suffering, and so, somehow, attain to the resurrection of the dead." (St. Paul)
Eric,
Here's something I use to do when I suffered panic attacks and was awaken in the early morning hours out of a deep sleep only to find myself in a very dark and deep pit. Instead of allowing the enemy to "help" me further into that dark place I would start with the letter A and think of an attribute of God and continue on through the alphabet until I either fell back asleep or ended with Z. I never had to make it to Z!! Praise God! I still have not come up with an attribute for the letter Z :) So, I would begin and say A, God your awesome, B, God your beautiful, C, God you are comfort.... and so on. You get the picture I'm sure. Try it out it helps and gets your complete focus on God. Hope this helps. I find that I do this at times my mind is occupied with overwhelming things. By the way, I no longer suffer those panic attacks!! Praise the Lord!
Ginny
Ginny (and Eric) - I hope you never have to get to Z, but if you do, remember that Jesus had zeal for His Father's house - John 2:16-17.
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!
~ Psalm 42:11, NLT
From todays KLOVE scripture email.
Prayin 4 u brother!!
Good one Lee!! Thanks. I'll remember Zeal if I ever do get to that letter Z!! How about Q?? That one I could not get either. But since your thinking of attributes for those hard letters your mind is still focused on God and I always ended up falling back to sleep without coming up with an attribute.
Praying for you all today for strengh to just get through those waking hours. God, please give these precious children of Yours strengh for today. Amen.
Ginny
You're welcome, Ginny - thanks for the great suggestion!
Hmm... Q is even tougher than Z! Well, this is not so much an attribute of God, but what He does: He quickens those who believe unto salvation. (At least He does in the KJV :-)
Romans 8:11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to ["quicken" in KJV] your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. (NKJV)
Good evening, Eric.
As it usually goes here in the Barr household, I hog the computer and my computer-illiterate hubby (his words) asks me to read the blog and fill him in... but tonight, after a short but scary lesson on the iBook, Gary took over the reins and starting reading. So touched by your honesty and pain, through teary eyes, he asked me if I was willing to wake up with him and you, every morning to pray- at 5:30. Following my husband anywhere God leads him is something I don't even blink an eye at. So we both wanted to let you know, that although you, Cherie', Jo'elle and especially that handsome son of yours, Conner, have consistantly been in our prayers and hearts since Day 1, we will arise when you do, my dear brother and prayer for your needs and that the blackness of dispair flees from you and your family, from that entire hospital even, and hope, joy and peace take its place. We are lazy, sleep-a-holics, but God has moved in our hearts and we commit this time to Him and to you. There is not much we can do for you friend, but we can do this. Know that we love you guys and will never cease to lift you up to the Great Healer!
Love Gary and Christine
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