Day 42 - July 27 - Battle Lost
We lost a battle today.
This morning, I posted Hebrews 13:15; in our devotions, we talked about having joy in the midst of trial; and Cherié and I talked about trying to praise God in the furnace. We then went off to church, where we were considerably blessed by the music and the Word.
Since then, I spiraled downward. We had gotten word yesterday that two of the boys who were here when we arrived had been moved to lower-level care facilities and were responding well, which was really good news. Today, Vanessa's family came by, rejoicing as they had gotten word that she was being moved out of the trauma unit to a regular hospital room. We rejoiced with them all, but a part of me was exceedingly envious - why do they get the good news, while we sit here and wait? Why are the other people we pray with blessed with God's gracious answers to prayer, but our own prayers go unanswered? Talk about an ungracious wretch - the degree to which my world revolves around me is nauseating at times. Of course, it's easy to see now, but I didn't even think it at the time. Pathetic.
This all happened immediately prior to my "How long?" post, which should come as no surprise. As I sat pondering, and basically feeling sorry for us, Cherié queried me on what was wrong. My standard response, "nothing", didn't fool her for a second, and I got angrier as she pried into my sulkiness. It ended when I stalked out of the building after she pointed out that our whole day of fasting had been defeated by us giving up our joy and confidence. She followed me out into the parking lot, where we argued for a few minutes before I could acknowledge that she was right, and that I had tossed away any benefit we might have seen today when I threw away my joy.
During our conversation, she said something along the lines of "we lost this battle today because we let the enemy roll us over". Depression and envy got their hooks in my back and rode me all the way down, and I dragged all of us down with me. When she confronted me with it, it was apparent. I ended up confessing my failure to the Lord, and now we're trying to recover and move on.
It seems I don't know how to stay joyful. Apparently, I have a congenital defect that causes me to trip over my own feet every time I'm faced with a trial. But Cherié and I vowed together to remember that God remains our only hope, and to remember that He has faithfully provided for our needs for the last 42 days. Lord, I absolutely love the wife you gave me. Make me worthy of her.
I don't know what God wanted to accomplish during this day of fasting for so many here on ConnorWatch. I wish I had responded better to the challenges of my day, knowing how many of you were sacrificing to support us. I do know that He wants me to learn this lesson and praise Him in the furnace, staying joyful and being available for His use. I'm trying.
Now for the update on the boy - we found out that (contrary to what I had posted this morning) he didn't really get to sleep much at all last night. So, at the nurse's request, he has been resting hard all day. I had the chance to visit with him for a bit, but for the most part we've been letting him sleep. This is good for him, but makes for some pretty uninteresting blogs. He did rest well all day, and had a small burst of energy this evening, when Cherié, Granny and he laughed and visited for two hours before he went back to sleep. Some praises for today - no fever today; his lungs are doing well enough that they're going to only X-ray them on Mondays and Thursdays instead of daily, a sign that they are improving; and they have decided to minimize (as much as possible) the interruptions during the night so he can rest better.
Pray for his diaphragm, that it would begin to take over the load for the respirator. Continue to pray that his lungs would be protected from re-infection. As the possibility arises that we might get the boy back on a regular bed, this becomes more of a concern - the pleasure of getting out of the roto-bed is tempered by the fear of relapses, so I am praying for his protection from any more infections.
Thanks, y'all. I love you guys.
posted by Eric Williamson @ 6:13 PM
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20 Comments:
Fix your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth
Will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
I doubt that your momentary lapses of joy (certainly understandable) have defeated the puposes of God concerning the prayer and fasting of many! His ways will not be controverted by anyone, and He is exceedingly able to do what He purposes to do, despite our human failings.
Be comforted tonight and get some sleep--many stand with you in the gap.
iamjustone
I forgot to add...not the whole battle, just a skirmish.
iamjustone
Michelle - beautiful song!
iajo - wise words, and true!
Lee
"Why are the other people we pray with blessed with God's gracious answers to prayer, but our own prayers go unanswered?"
Prayer: June 28 - Spiritual Encouragement
Pray "...that our family would be strengthened through this trial and not damaged..."
Answer: July 28 - Battle Lost
"But Cherié and I vowed together to remember that God remains our only hope, and to remember that He has faithfully provided for our needs for the last 42 days. Lord, I absolutely love the wife you gave me. Make me worthy of her."
Has God answered this prayer? I think so! Over and over again, throughout a month and 1/2 of blog posts, I see how God is cementing your family together. Through the words and pictures you've shared, there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not completely impressed by how you all function together as a family. Are you perfect? No. Do you stress out? Yes. Do you snap at each other? Occasionally. Do you get on each others' nerves now and again? No doubt!
BUT...
You guys have become a living textbook of what it means to LOVE one another through the worst of times. You have no idea how much of a testimony you've been to me! And I'm sure there are many others who could say the same.
Take heart, my friends. God *is* answering our prayers. I can't answer the question of "how long?" But I know He's got it under control.
Praying without ceasing,
Jenann
i often re-read the blogs for perspective. i know you are the main writer eric, and i think that is a HUGE burden on you.
joelle said, this is not about you, it is about connor. but with you responsible for blogging daily how can you take the focus off your thoughts/feelings/fears/hopes.
as a christian walking beside you, with the love of Jesus, may i respectfully submit that you step away from the keyboard and get back into your prayer life.
as a recent witness to your families faith, i know you have a strong prayer life. get your focus back on God, let someone else man the keyboard.
use your gifts of worship, compassion for others, and love of family to be your weapons in this battle. reach out to the others hurting in ICU and remember how good it feels to be God's minister.
We are all praying for you, take a break dear father.
kathleen
mh
Crawl up onto Jesus's lap & let Him hold you and keep you secure
Praising God for the 43 days of life that He has given to Connor;
Praising God for sustaining him, for the baby steps that are being seen.
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up, do you not
perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
& streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
May you be blessed in this new day. This is the day the Lord has made. Continuing to pray for full restoration for Connor & your family.
Thank you for sharing your heart, it helps us to know how to pray for you.
Eric,
All is NOT lost! You are showing your human characteristics, so don't expect great, inhuman strength during this trial.
Just like Conner, you need more rest. Take some time away from the blog and refresh yourself with rest and joy in God's word.
Give your famiy -- Conner, Cherie, and Joelle our love and deep respect.
May God bless each of you on this day - the Lord's Day.
Eric,
The battle is not lost. I think you "won" something today. You are so blessed to have your wonderful wife at your side. God put her there for a reason, and you were reminded of that today.
I know the feelings you struggle with when you see other's healing in a more timely manner. I have sat in a operating waiting room when my daughter was in surgery and watched doctors come and go and tell other parents their child was in the recovery room while mine was still in the OR. Yes, I was jealous at the same time I was happy that their child was "safe".
I have struggled with asking God, "Why me" every time my child went through her 9 surgeries and all the health issues we have dealt with. But the real question is, "Why NOT me?" God have given us these situations for a reason. I am fortunate enough to see my reasons now, and you have had a glimpse at yours. You will see more answers as time goes on. I am a firm believer that God hands us what he KNOWS we can handle.
I continue to pray for you and your family.
Mary Casillas - Hollister
Mary - your post of "why not me" is right on. As christians I think we tend to "think" that we should have a better life and be immune to trials, struggles, loss, etc. than the so called non believer. We watch their lives more than we watch our own. We feel that they slide through life without any problems or hardships. They have them, the difference between the non believer and the believer is that the non believer just thinks they are going through some bad luck and they move on. As a christian we look at the situation as a teaching and learning experience and what is God asking of us. No where does God tell us that our lives are free from trials. If they were, how then would we glorify God? How would we be able to lead those non believers to God? They watch us also.
Eric, please remember the feelings your having are very normal and understandable. Don't beat yourself up for moments of despair and anger. God forgives and will wait for your moments to end and you focus upward again. Praise God for your beautiful wife! He did a good job hooking you two up! :) Don't stay too long in those moments and you'll be fine. Take a breather today, walk with your wife, go to lunch let others help you today and let God shine!! You are all loved and so many are lifting you all up in prayer daily, nightly, 24/7Shine Jesus, Shine!
Jenann, perfectly said......
I was fasting computer use yesterday so just got this blog, after I read it I opened this devotion and thought it lined right up with the way you are feeling in your heart and the struggles you are facing try and remember how God loves Connor even more than you do and He cherishes all the tears we are crying. This is long but I think a good devotion.
July 28, 2008
Attention: This is Only a Test
Micca Monda Campbell
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Luke 12:34 (NIV)
Devotion:
Say the word "test" and most people cringe. That's because tests bring undue stress and pressure that we'd rather live without. Nonetheless, tests have many purposes. They analyze our intelligence or skill; determine what we have learned, and reveal who we are. Then there are spiritual tests. They often try our faith and commitment to God.
Remember the story of Abraham and his beloved son, Isaac, found in Genesis chapter 22? Pause to read it if you haven't. Through Isaac God was going to build a nation! Can you imagine the pride Abraham must have had for his son? Nothing makes me prouder than to see one of my children succeed, and Abraham knew God had great plans for his son. What on earth could go wrong--especially with a promised child?
You and I both know a lot can go wrong. We've probably stood in Abraham's sandals once or twice in our life times too. And like Abraham, we've clung to the promises of God. Yet, sickness lingers, financial troubles invade, friends betray us, and eventually death calls. How do we respond?
Abraham responded with great love, trust, and commitment when God asked for his only son to be sacrificed. Don't think it was easy for him. Just because you and I know the outcome of the story doesn't mean Abraham did. He had to trust God every step of the way. Abraham's mind must have been plagued with thoughts such as, "This doesn't make sense, Lord." "You promised, Lord." "Help me, Lord."
Determined to obey God no matter the cost, Abraham prepared to take his son's life. In that dramatic moment, and just in the nick of time, God called from heaven and released both the child and Abraham from the test.
It was only a test. God never wanted the death of Isaac. He wanted the surrendered heart of Abraham. Just as God planned, the test revealed Abraham's undying love and commitment to God. I believe that Abraham's faith was expanded too that day in the sufficiency and care of his loving Father.
Unfortunately, this is an area God will always test you and me. More than anything God wants our whole and committed hearts. As painful as some tests are, God is using them to grow us into all He has designed us to be. When our trials don't make sense, we can trust God. He has promised to set limits on our trials--to walk with us in the midst of them, and to bring forth good.
The question for you and me today is this. When God doesn't behave like we think He should, when it seems like He has turned the other way and broken every promise, will we still love and trust Him?
When the pregnancy test is negative, will you still love Him? When your loved one dies, will you still love Him? When the job interview falls flat, will you still love Him? When no treatment can be found, will you still love Him?
Dear Lord, I'm guilty of chasing your blessings more than chasing after You. You are all I need. I recommit my heart to you and I will trust you in my present situation. May your will--not mine--be done, In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Related Resources:
God is not Through with Me Yet by Thelma Wells
Trials of Today, Treasures for Tomorrow: Overcoming Adversities in Life by Janet Eckles
Visit Micca Campbell's blog
Do You Know Him?
Application Steps:
Recall a past circumstance that required trusting God even though it didn't make sense. Remember His faithfulness during that time and then commit to trusting Him in your present situation.
Reflections:
What do you think God is trying to accomplish through this difficult time in your life?
What do you need to do to pass the test?
Power Verses:
Matthew 28:20, "and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (NIV)
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (NIV)
1 Peter 4:12, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you." (NIV)
© 2008 by Micca Campbell. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
616-G, Matthews-Mint Hill Road
Matthews, NC 28105
www.proverbs31.org
praise you linda for your computer fast. God blessed us with your renewed vision and insight.
The battle is not ours...but God's.
Praise be the Him.
Kathleen
MH
Dear Williamson Family,
As I read your blog today, I could not help but think that the enemy is certainly going to pull out all his artillery to try and defeat you. The battle has NOT been lost! So much has been won already and this is only a temporary set back. Do not lose heart because our Great and Mighty General who will lead you through to victory is always near!
Praying along side you in the trenches and on the battle front!
Isaiah 54:10,17
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.
Dear Connor and Family, My first comment didn't go thru so hopefully this doesn't show up twice.
My daughter, Jessica, went to Hume Lake with Connor and remembers him well. We are so very sorry to hear of his injury. As a former neuro RN I delt with many spinal cord injuries and saw many miracles. However, please know it is a long and painful process with many setbacks. However, I also witnessed many a victory; sometimes small at first but remember we all start off with baby steps. Connor, will be starting over with baby steps too. But what a testiomony he will give one day. I believe this with all my heart. Please know that I say this as a Christian and RN so you know the truth. I was always truthful with my families in neuro ICU and felt it important to say to you too. You know the saying, "truth is power". It doesn't mean anything that others have moved along faster than Connor. He is moving just as God wants him too. Remember too God doesn't make mistakes. He is giving Connor what his body can endure right now however painfully slow that is for all of you esp. Connor.
Please tell Connor and your family we are praying for him everyday. I check your wonderful site you created twice a day for updates. You too must take care of yourself in order to take care of Connor as the previous poster mentioned. A walk in the fresh air and lunch out doesn't mean you are abandoning Connor. You are taking care of you so you can remain strong for this long journey. I say this with great respect for what you and your family are doing.
BTW, please tell Connor that I use to sell/lease the Rota Rest Bed back in the 80's and while it's scary looking and more scary to be in; it's a wonderful tool in fighting infections with spinal injuries. I know the rep here in San Jose and asked her about it during an inservice for the wound vac and she was telling me all the great improvements they have made since my days with KCI. So God has given Connor the best tool available in my humble opinion in fighting these infections. That to me is a prayer answered. Perhaps this will make him smile; they used the bed in a scene in a Star Trek movie in the early 90's too. He may not see the humor in that now but one day it will be a great story for him to tell.
Our family will continue checking your site and praying daily for Connor and all of your family.
Your family is an inspiration to us.I know you don't know us personally but if you need anything from this area please let us know. I've included my email address and we would love to help in anyway.
God Bless You All.
The Rioux Family, Morgan Hill
During our conversation, she said something along the lines of "we lost this battle today because we let the enemy roll us over".
Dear Eric,
Believe me you have not lost the battle! The Lord gave me this Scripture yesterday as I fasted and prayed,
"Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's...But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then STAND STILL and WATCH the Lord's VICTORY. HE is with you, O people of Juday and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord IS WITH YOU!" 2 Chr. 20:15,17
I believe without one moment of doubt that yesterday's fast was powerful and not a waste of time. We prayed for God's perfect will only, and that is what is going to come to pass. We prayed for what would bring Him the most glory, and that is what is going to come to pass. We prayed for strength for the family, and that is what is going to come to pass.
Just as Kent shared, it all looks confusing an mysterious, but He knows what He is doing.
Hang in there and allow others to lift you up and carry you, Cherie, and Joelle...it is perfectly fine to be human and have moments of weakness for His strength is perfected in our weakness. I know this is a long battle, but hang in. Remember what Connor said in the beginning? Get your SIDEARMS on, it's going to get tough? (something near that). God gave you preparation in advance that this might be a longer journey than desired. He has not led where He has not been.
We love you, we love you, we love you. We don't judge you, we don't question you, we weep, hurt, and rejoice with you in good and bad.
And believe me, much was accomplished in the fast yesterday that our frail human eyes cannot see. What a beautiful reunion day when we see all the loose ends come together.
Be blessed and know that although we all can't be physically with you guys there in Fresno, we in cyberville are with you every single moment you hit the keys www.connorwatch.org!
"I give thanks to You Lord, for Your faithful love endures forever!" 2 Chr. 20:21
Eric, being continually amazed by your family's faith and fortitude, i am convinced that "the boy" is destined for a purpose greater than our minds and spirits are being allowed to comprehend at this time.
After returning from a morning ride yesterday, i logged on to learn of the collective fast. Being blessed (or cursed, depending on your "scale" of view) with a rapid metabolism, going without physical nourishment for any length of time is a real challenge. i made the commitment to forego all but water for the balance of the day, even with a long list of "honey-do" activities posted on the whiteboard in the garage. Every pang and rumble reminded me to pray that much harder.
In constant prayer,
matt baldwin
Awesome posts above!
Touching so many......
I am one of the many anonymous strangers--a sister in Christ--who heard of your struggle through a friend of a friend and is lifting you up in prayer often. Heard a song about our Savior and Healer and couldn't help but think of you: http://healer.integritymusic.com/
Connor may need to hear it during this time! God bless
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