Day 36 - July 21 - Praise the Lord
Until a moment ago, this blog was titled "I don't want to play anymore". Now it's going to be another long post...
Connor has been responding well to the bed - his lungs seem to be clearing, his numbers are steady at all angles of the bed, and they've gotten the boy to be stay saturated for extended durations on both sides. When he got back on the Tilt-o-Matic, he could only tolerate 15 seconds tilted toward his left side - any longer and his heart would begin to slow and he would de-saturate, and that at lean angles as low as 15 degrees. Now, they are tipping him 30 degrees for 15 minutes on each side. So that's good.
So we go upstairs after lunch, and Connor has tears streaming down his face, which is contorted as he cries. He's listening to his worship CD, so we ask if he's crying as he sings with the music. He responds with agony in his voice - "I want to stand and tell about God. But I can't move my arms! I can't move my legs!"
After an hour and a half of prayer, discussion, and more prayer, he is settled enough to doze off. But all day, I've been hearing tales of other people in the Trauma unit who are suddenly walking, or being moved to lower intensity care, and just generally getting better. And I've heard nurses say of these people "Wow, it's a miracle". And I can't help asking why people who don't give a flying rip about the Lord get miracles while a young man who loves the Lord like Connor does is rejected. I don't understand why my son gets sacrificed and left in the cold while people who hate God prosper and rejoice in healing.
AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN ANY OF IT TO MY HURTING, GRIEVING SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I finally couldn't handle this torment anymore, and went off for a walk by myself.
First thing that happened, one of our RTs (a man who I am appreciating more and more) was walking the other way down the sidewalk. He stopped me, took one look and asked "Do you need a hug?" As a matter of fact, I do, and as he wraps his burly arms around me the first crack in the dam appears. We talked for a moment about the boy, and he asked if there was anything he could do. You already did it, my friend - when you showed that even staff of the hospital can actually care. Thank you for that.
So I kept walking, and decided that I could dump my grief and frustration on my big brother. Called his office - no joy. Called his cellfone - direct to voicemail. Winner for Brad, not so much for me. So, I gave up, and started to put the headset away when I remembered that I have an iPod built into my phone. Maybe some music...
So I walk over to a picnic table and sit down, listening to something appropriate for my depressed spirit...
"I was sure by now, that You would have reached down and washed our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say 'Amen', and it's still raining."
Yep, that's about right.
"My strength is almost gone. How can I carry on, if I can't find You?"
Well, that just about sums it up for me.
So I sat there, thinking about how I should go blog what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day it was. But as I sit there singing to the music out in the park, I am listening to the song's words, which say that I "praise the God who gives and takes away". I can't help thinking that I'm supposed to praise God even in this extremity.
I don't know how.
My heart is torn.
My lifeblood is pouring out.
Praise the Lord who gives and takes away.
Amen.
posted by Eric Williamson @ 11:46 AM
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18 Comments:
And that same song has the verse you have quoted before "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord maker of heaven and earth." He is in control of all things, created the heaven and the earth and love you and Connor more than we can ever imagine.
Your line: "And I can't help asking why people who don't give a flying rip about the Lord get miracles while a young man who loves the Lord like Connor does is rejected. I don't understand why my son gets sacrificed and left in the cold while people who hate God prosper and rejoice in healing." I KNOW God understands your pain. It seems like that's exactly what he suffered through when he allowed his son (who loved Him) to die on the cross to allow us sinners to rejoice as a result.
Hold Fast...the Lord is not done here and we are all praying!
Vikki
WHCC, Morgan Hill
Prayers are constantly going up...may you know the presence of our Lord Jesus is with you all now.
"In the day of my trouble I will call on You:for You will answer me." Psalms 86:7
Crying and asking why, why , why right along with you. I can only pray that my 13 yr old son will love the LORD as Connor does. As the person above said, "God is not finished yet!" The great I AM is still working and doing marvelous things. Continuing to hold you all up in prayer without ceasing.
Yours in Christ
in VA
These are some parts of a song by Third Day - Cry Out To Jesus
From the album Wherever You Are - that I thought were comforting.
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
Chorus:
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
+++++++++++++
I don't have the words or wisdom to give you during this time. Just rest in the Lord and know that we are all praying for all of you and that our Lord will give you the strength you need.
"..and I went off for a walk by myself"
what an incredibly wise thing to do Eric !!!!!!!!! in my life I have also felt similar feelings of not being able to sort things out...I can only remind us both, that when Jesus himself was stressed out, the Bible tells us that he retreated many, many, times to himself and went off to be alone, (only that REALLY meant to be alone with God!)...God knows you are hurting, God knows you feel isolated, God knows you are filled with love and anguish at the same time..don't let the evil one use it as a prying point on your faith...I don't mean to be trite here but think of it as sitting on Santa's lap...he want's to hear from you, personally, while you are both still alone, what do you want and how are you feeling, you are God's child, and so is Connor.....continue in God's love and know for a fact we are ALL with you in our hearts. I luv u man !!! and you have an awesome family..you have every right to be proud of yourself and each of them (former and future generations included....even Brad!)
xxxooo,
JD+1
Dear Eric,
Yes, the Lord gives and takes away. But He does not take every thing away forever; only just until His will is done and His plan is put into place. His ways are higher than ours, and we certainly don't understand.
But you are being faithful Eric, and dear Conner is being faithful. Amen!! How glorious your faith is to our Father!
We hold all of you up in prayer and we continue to especially pray for Conner's healing. And, we pray for healing of your weariness in this battle. Stay strong!
MT
Charlottesville
Dear Eric,
My heart aches for you. I am keeping you all in my prayers. Your honesty and humility are a true testimony of your faith and that although you are completely broken, you know without a doubt that you can cry out to God and tell Him your heart and trust that He loves you still.
This is the time when all those prayers of others are needed the most. The time when the prayers seem unanswered and you and your precious family are weary in battle. This is where we lift you up and hold you all to the Father and pray for His strength to be made perfect in your weakness.
God is working, He is answering prayer, He is on the throne, He is All-Knowing, and He loves Connor more than you, his momma, sister, family, friends, and acquaintances. He knows the plans He has for Connor, He knows the bigger picture, He knows the end of the story. How I hope that God would bring 100% recovery at this very moment, but I pray and trust that Connor is in the center of God's perfect will at this season. Connor has had a horrible accident, but in the kingdom of God he is a strong man of valor whom God has entrusted such an awesome responsibility of reflecting Christ to others around him. I have never met Connor, I only know him through this blog and your family's comments. But I see the precious man of God he is and I am certain that God is using him mightily in the lives of others. Praise God that these others are making quick recoveries, for they need to be well to see their need for God and call on him. You and your family living your faith in front of all these families is doing awesome things in Kingdom ways. I praise the Lord for your faith and how you have poured yourself out not only for Connor but to the people whom you have the opportunity to minister to. God is wasting not one moment of this entire ordeal.
I pray that His grace will sustain you. You are tired and worn, and an awesome daddy who is hurting for his baby. What a precious example of Christ's love for each one of us. I pray that He will strengthen you all, that you will rise up on eagles wings, that you will rest and not grow weary, that you will walk and not faint.
I love you and I will continue to pray for Connor's recovery and for God's will to be done.
Love,
Martha (Florida)
Hi Connor~
You and your family don,t know me but I have been praying for you from the 3rd day after your accident. I was at Woodleaf, the Young Life camp, when my friend, John Ripley, sent me a txt telling me of your accident and asking me to pray for you. Then my friend Maureen HInds sent an email telling us to pray. You are always lifted up in prayer, you and your family. I have you on my refrigerator so i can be reminded to pray more! (i go there a lot! ) ;)
I am going to Cuba tomorrow on a Missions trip and I will be sharing your story and praying for you there.
Please know you are loved. You have touched my life though I do not know you. I am sure many lives have been touched by you and your family!
God is faithful, strong and good. Stay in His arms even though your journey is difficult! Don't let go.
~praying for you
Colleen
"A DREAM",
Although I am a regular subscriber to this website and blog. I will remain obliquely "anonymous" for the purposes of this entry.... because, I dream, ........... I dream of owning my own home in heaven someday, mortgage-free (thank you very much, to a guy named JESUS) ... on a gold-lined street, something kinda like Disneyland, only incredibly better, where I know and love all my neighbors...and their stereo never bothers me because it's playing music where Cherie is the lead singer and Connor is playing the drums..and your motor home is always parked out of sight,,,and "Tank" is trained to bring us all hors'dovers at pool-side, and Joelle is always the center of attention because she is so drop-dead gorgeous... and ... you and I both have a full head of hair and a 30 " waist and our wives think we are both male adonis-like models.....and you are,( for a change,) from OKLAHOMA.. .the land of the truly free....but then I realize, in heaven, it will be as GOD wants it to be (so, so much for Texas),...so here's to living in OKLA-EXAS...(not TEXA-HOMA) and to having the most incredible band and sound man for the the most incredible worship band and worship service we will ever have in Heaven....cause you KNOW,we will all be there (including CONNOR).to rock the neighborhood...GOD BLESS US ALL...AND THINK HOW GREAT IT WILL BE WHEN WE ALL KNEEL AT JESUS' FEET TO GAIN ENTRY INTO 'The Ultimate 'Hood".............. i love u man.... ..........................................................jd+"The "one
Dear Williamsons,
I'm sure you have already thought of this, but please tell Connor that he could not be standing taller for the Lord. As are all of you. The Lord is not asking you to praise Him because of this, He is asking you to praise him in spite of this. The other folks may be experiencing "healing", but the sad truth is that they may not make it to the other side. Although this present perspective is unbearable to say the least, the eternal perspective is final.
My parent's heart aches for all of you...I know all too well the groans and yearnings of a parent of a medically fragile child. It is not a giving over once, but over and over again. You are in the throes of a horrific loss, with no guarantees. And still you praise him.
And bear His witness to a hopeless and hurting world.
Grieving and hoping with you,
Kathleen for the Froess's
San Martin
Dear Eric and Family,
We're friends of the Perteete who happened to be in fresno when Conner was brought in. We have been praying for him and you all since day one. My heart breaks for you and the pain of trying to comfort when you feel so lost yourself...hold fast to the truth that you know...God is love and he is soveriegn. May you feel His warm embrace this day. Bless you, Susan E. , San Jose
Hi Eric and Cherie,
I am sorry that I have nothing really wise or inspirational to add tonight except...
That we are thinking about you constantly and love you always!
The Ledwells
It was so nice meeting Cherie this evening. I am so sorry we are all meeting under these circumstances.
My son Cameron was in an accident on October 23, 2000 and he is an incomplete parapalegic. God has shown us his mercy and grace over and over during the last 8 years. God is using Cameron from the chair in which he sits. We have been through some of the very things you are experiencing now and we will continue to pray for Connor and the rest of you daily.
We are here for whatever you need. Please feel free to ask us anything or just use our experienced ears, we are here to listen.
You mention the song praise you in this storm and it is one of our favorites. Another song that I adore is Voice of Hope,It goes like this.....
As High as the Heavens are above the earth so high are your ways to mine
Ways so perfect they never fail me, I know you are good all the time
And through the storm yet I will praise you, despite it all, yet I will sing, through good or bad yet I will worship because you remain the same KING of KING
You are the voice of Hope, the author of our faith, where there seems to be no way, you make it possible, you are the prince of peace against adversity, my lips will shout for joy, for you the most high
God is so good. Remember, they give you worst case scenerio because they have to. But our God is so much BIGGER than anything the doctors can imagine. We continue to experience his grace daily.
Please let us know how we can help - any time - Day or Night!!!
With Love,
Dawn Canfield and my son Cameron Littlecreek
Eric
I don't know how you do it, I ask myself the same questions, WHY aren't you healing Connor!!!! the Glory would be given to YOU, we plead, implore, cry out to you.............
and yet nothing else makes any sense but to trust you...........
Continued, Love,Hope and Prayers
God is once again speaking through all His kids, what a blessing to read all these commits especially the one where God doesn't want us to praise Him because of the suffering but to praise Him inspite of the suffering and because He is God.
Be still and know that I am God.
Sleep tight while He holds you all in His loving Arms tonight.
The Rt who just happened to be walking at the time you were and just happened to ask if you needed hug, consider that hug from God. I've been in the same boat many a time where I needed a physical "hug" from my Lord, it always has come in the form of a friend, my husband, my kids, a stranger, etc.... God's right there with Eric. Keep your focus on Him and you can't go wrong.
Ginny
Footprints in the Sand Eric, footprints in the sand...when you are fallen...God is carrying you! Don' ever forget that HE IS THERE holding you at every moment.
Shout to LORD PRAISES FOR CONNER'S STRENTH IN HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
I read your blog and it takes me back 16 years. Eric, I can totally understand where you are coming from. I remember being at the hospital and seeing children going home to homes that were not good homes at all and thinking, "Why not our baby, God? It would be such a small thing for you to just say the word and heal him." I came to the realization that no matter what people said about the fact that God was going to heal him. It took a whole lot more faith for me to say, "Not my will but thine be done." I can't begin to describe how hard that was to kneel before God and say, "You know I want my son to be healed, but above all else Your will be done."
If you ever get the chance read the book "How to Handle Adversity" by Charles Stanley, please read it. It isn't necessarily a book on grief, but it helped me more than any of the books on grief that I read. One thing that stood out to me was a comment he made about when God seems far away that's when He sends His children to show His love. I remember thinking God are you even listening, do you even care? But like you guys we were surrounded by people who showed us God's love. It was so sad to see some of the other families at the hospital who seemed to be so alone.
I hope that this helps and I'm not just some rambling lady who should just keep quiet.
By the way, our Trenton and Connor are close to the same age. Trent would be 18 in August.
Praying for a miracle.
Charlene Schultz
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