Day 34 - July 19 - What a day

Well, it's been a full day. First, Connor is back in the roto-rest bed, which is the one that rocks back and forth, but not upside down. He's a bit disheartened to be there again. I told him this isn't a step backward, but rather the next hurdle in the race. Many of the hurdles will look the same - but we'd rather not have to jump over them at all.

Second, the boy crashed twice today, both time with his heart beat dropping to zero. He recovered on his own immediately without drugs or other intervention, but again, this is something we'd rather not do at all. It seems to be the same issue he had before, with his congested lungs causing the nerve that drives the heart to become irritated.

Please continue to pray for Connor - for healing from the pneumonia; for clear lungs; for a steady heart; and, as I recognized today, a working diaphragm. I realized that I had been praying for his lungs to work, but what I was meaning was that he would have control and function in his diaphragm in order to pump his lungs. I know the Holy Spirit interprets for me, but still...

A strange thing happened to me today as well. I was talking to Brad yesterday about trying to get less focused on me and my problems, and more on the people around me. I had told Joélle that I thought I performed better when I was helping other people instead of thinking about myself, and she gave me that "Well, duh!" look, so I'd been giving that some thought. Well, tonight, I was in Connor's room alone, while Cherié ran over to the hotel room to grab a shower. Connor was asleep, and I was trying to be still and know that He is God. I even went so far as to pray that the boy would stay sleeping so that I could focus on being still and not be distracted by anything. I found I couldn't sit still, but that walking slowly back and forth in the room helped me quiet my soul to listen. What I found wasn't anything earth-shattering, but rather a sense that I should prostrate myself before the Lord. I thought "well, I can't do that, people will see me". Then I thought "Would you do it if it meant Connor would walk again?"

"Of course", thinks I, "but it doesn't mean that."

"How do you know?", I shot back smartly.

"Oh, come on - but I'll do it." Then craftily I add, "I'll just draw this curtain here so people can't see in..."

I'm too smart for that one - "Nuh uh uh! That's not what you're supposed to do."

"Well OK, I'll at least kneel." There. That's a pretty good compromise.

So I knelt by the boy's bed, in full view of anybody that wanted to look into the room. And I prayed. Emptily, as it turns out.

Now keep in mind that this is all pretty much just a conversation in my head. But finally I can't take it, and I say "Alright, I will." And I lie down on my belly, face to the floor, arms spread out wide, completely visible from the nurse's station if anybody cares to look.

I say "Here I am, Lord. What do you want from me?"

And the thought enters my head - "Obedience".

Shortly thereafter, Cherié shows up and tells me that the Gramma's are going to revolt unless I go to the hotel and take my own shower (which I guess shows how intelligent Grammas can be...). So as I ride down the elevator, I'm prompted to pray with the three weeping people in the elevator with me. I ask them if it would be OK, and they say yes - so we pray together for comfort and hope after the passing of their mother/grandmother. Then I go take my shower.

Now I come back to the hospital, and oddly enough, I have a new perspective on things. I am suddenly confident in the Lord's provision; I know that He is providing for us regardless of outcome; and I am able to encourage my wife, testify in word and carriage to the staff, and pray with and lift up some of the others in the waiting room on our way back to the tenement on wheels.

Without any doubt whatsoever, I am absolutely and categorically unable to create the mental change necessary to do those things on my own. Has someone around here been praying for a miracle? If you guys can pray an attitudinal change like that into me, would you please aim at my son's healing next?

8-)