Day 34 - July 19 - The Fight
It is amazing how the unthinkable becomes "normal". We've been living moment to moment for over a month, and somehow we've become "used" to this, as if someone could become used to having your world flipped over every few hours. But it's true that we adapt as best we can to our situation, so this morning came as a particularly rude shock.
Cherié and I got to Connor's room this morning as the nursing staff were preparing to turn him in his bed (he's so big, it takes two or three of them to do it), and as the RT was setting up the thumper to shake out his chest. While we watched, they got all this activity going, and as they worked Connor's saturation level and heart rate plummeted. From 83 bpm, his heart fell - 72. 68. 61. 53. Alarms began ringing. 47. 42. 26. 0, for just a second. None of the nurses seemed to be concerned, and as if to justify their confidence, his heart rate came right back up into the 60s as soon as they quit moving him. The staff was competent and professional, but my father's heart just about came unglued. Cherié takes these things with such assurance, while I - well, I feel like Roger Rabbit, wailing and trailing smoke as he runs furiously around and around in circles.
In that moment, it dawned on me that we are still fighting for Connor's life. Not just "what should we do next?" or "what facility will take the boy?", but "is he going to live to get out of this hospital?" His heart is not responding correctly. His lungs are not responding correctly. There isn't an hour that goes by when I don't ask God "Where are You? Why have You turned Your face from my family?"
I just got word that they've decided Connor needs to go back on the Tilt-o-Bed today sometime. I don't think it's too late to pray to prevent that. This is not a setback I want, need, or desire.
So I realize (again) that our son's fate hangs in a delicate balance, orchestrated by God and administered by the staff here. Please pray that God would restore my son.
posted by Eric Williamson @ 9:55 AM
22 Comments
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22 Comments:
Eric,
As I read your blog, my heart was caught in my throat...I am coming before the Lord with such intensity.. please God, please God, please....
We will pray for his lungs, his heart, his very life. We will not give up hoping and praying.
Sandi
Gilroy
Amen to that !!!!! We are ratchet-ing up the intensity on the prayer teams. It's NEVER really over, till it's really over.... AND IT IS FAR FROM OVER !!!!!! God is still listening to us we are all still fervently praying for his protection and loving care.
with love and prayer,
JD+1
I will be praying for Connor's lungs, heart and his peace of mind. Also that he won't have to go on the bed.
You are in my prayers throughout the day, every day.
God knows your needs before you even think it, He loves you all & is with you. I am praying for your request now too. May God's will be done.
God does his best work once we surrender all to him. You were never meant to be the one who carries this boulder. To God be the glory - great things he hath done!
All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all, I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
humbly at his feet I bow,
worldly pleasures all forsaken;
take me, Jesus, take me now.
(Refrain)
All to Jesus I surrender;
make me, Savior, wholly thine;
fill me with thy love and power;
truly know that thou art mine.
(Refrain)
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to thee;
fill me with thy love and power;
let thy blessing fall on me.
(Refrain)
All to Jesus I surrender;
now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to his name!
We are praying. The prayer team that has formed through this blog will NOT give up.
Casting Crowns – East To West
From the album – The Altar And The Door
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Chorus:
Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Chorus:
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Feeling your pain and frustration. All I know to do is fast and pray and ask God for a greater measure of faith. I'm still expecting great things.
As God is holding on to you, know that we are holding on to you as tightly as are hearts can grasp! You are LOVED. We will lift up your arms over this battle.
God has not turned His face from you. We have to trust Him in this darkness. I don't think He is being deaf. I don't think He is enjoying watching you suffer as He captures each tear you shed and puts them in a bottle.
It's posts like this that make me realize just how fragile life can be. The body does have an amazing ability to heal itself, but it also is held in a delicate balance. When one thing isn't working properly, other functions get out of whack. We take our bodies so much for granted.
Eric, your posts help me to understand that nothing can be taken for granted: not the medical staff, not the high-tech gadgetry, not Connor's physical size or strength. I need to be on my knees praying, no matter how many times I annoy God with the same prayers. No matter how much improvement happens on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. It's vital to remain vigilant.
Thank you for letting us know in specifics how we can pray. I appreciate you, brother.
Cherie and Joelle, I'm sending you virtual hugs from MH. I'm praying for you both, as well.
Jenann
Take heart...your prayer team is here for you....from east to west....
we are on it!
Well, we got the "problem" figured out when we got home...sorry to take off like we did. I found another website that might help: www.apparelyzed.com. Check it out for resources. We love you guys--
Kristie for us all
For some time I have felt a burden that I should tell you about my husband's problems. I haven't been able to do it because 1. I don't feel that I can write well enough to explain what I want you to know and 2. His problems seem so insignificant in comparison to Connor's.
My husband had a 10 cm tumor which began in his ear and ended between his skull an brain. The "six hour" operation to remove it lasted 16 hours. Three years later we discovered that he had "died" twice and had a brain stem stroke during the surgery.
Before the surgery the "experts" told us that there would be no major side effects. But after the surgery, his problems were numerous his eye had two condition which "cannot co-exist." His face was twisted. His inner ear was removed thus he had difficulty balancing--he appeared to be very drunk (he was actually stopped by police several times for being drunk)when he walked. He lost most of his strength. He lost memory and intellectual ability.
The "experts" told us that all that he would ever be able to do was to stand-up, turn around, and sit in a different chair or wheelchair. His mental impairment meant that he would never be able to return to work.
But the "experts" were wrong. He not only regained the ability to walk but also to drive. He returned to work--he was a design engineer which means he needs to know math, chemistry, and to have original thoughts.
My first problem with the "experts" was right after the surgery. He turned violent after they gave him morophine. It took 3 days and conversations with countless nurses and doctors--all of whom made me feel crazy--until I found a nurse who had seen such reactions before and got the medication changed.
As the "experts" told us what he could not do, I too felt like God had abandoned me. Not because I expected God to "heal" my husband immediately, but because all of the "experts" were making me crazy with their varying opinions--many of which were so negative. Looking back, I think of the poem "Footprints" and how those are the times that God carries you. He must have because I certainly could not have endured swings if He had not been carrying me.
Yet, I still remember how abandoned I felt. So know that you are not alone in those feelings. Even those of us who are sure of our relationship with the Lord get these feelings when dealing with severe medical problems.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I will continue praying for all of you.
We are also dealing with life-changing health issues in my family, and long ago I started referring to things as 'the new normal'. I understand what you mean when you adapt to these new, seemingly unthinkable situations.
Praying hard for you all again today. Still begging for healing of Connor's lungs, and Lord willing, that he'll be able to avoid returning to the rocking bed.
Dear Williamsons,
As we read each post several times a day, our hearts go up and down with you. We can't imagine how you must feel, but my stomach gets in knots just reading your descriptive reports. I want to thank you all again for your transparency and articulate words which allow us to be a part of your agonizing journey. We are still out here, checking in several times a day and sometimes even in the night. You continue to be a huge part of our prayers. Blessings, Bill and Jann Hija
Continuing to pray your requests. Whether you feel it or not, God is lifting you all up. He is indeed in control. We are praying for healing and restoration for Connor, strength...peace... His ultimate glory.
The Schow's.
Praying, praying, praying. I was thinking today that it would be so wonderful to have people write in to tell if they have come to Christ, deepened their walk or made a new start with Him because of the ordeal your dear son is going through. It would be very meaningful to Connor, I'm sure, and would uplift all of you (and us as well.)
When your arms are too weary to hold up in supplication to our God, we are there with you, raising them for you. We are all here...
iamjustone
Here is a touching song by Mark Schultz "He Will Carry Me"
I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me
chorus:
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me
I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me
chorus
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm
I've been going through lots of music today...
A song by Steven Curtis Chapman "Carry You to Jesus"
I will not pretend to feel
the pain you’re going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you’ve known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don’t know
Well, I’ll admit sometimes I still
wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we’re at the mercy
of God’s higher ways
And our ways are so small
But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees
It’s such a privilege for me
to give this gift to you
All I’d ever hope you’d give me in return
Is to know that you’ll be there
to do the same for me
When the tables turn
And if you need to cry go on and I,
I will cry along with you, yeah
I’ve given you what I have but still I know the best thing I can do
Is just pray for you
I’ll carry you
I’ll take you to Jesus on my knees
Carrying you to Jesus,
Kathy S
PRAYING AND THINKING OF YOU EACH DAY SIM AND CHAR
Still praying!!! Just remember even though our will is to not have the roto-bed...God's will reigns...let HIM work!
Love you all,
Evalena
Gracious Father,
Comfort this precious family. We continually lift up Connor to You, touch him and heal him Father according to Your perfect will. We pray for miracles. Thank You for all the answered prayers as well as the unanswered, for we know that You know all things and everything is part of Your greater plan. We trust You. Lift up Eric, Cherie, and Joelle as they minister to one another and Connor. I pray for You Holy Spirit to minister to Connor's heart and bring him comfort and peace and renewed hope. Though the enemy slays, we will TRUST IN YOU! Hallelujah. In the blessed name of Jesus,
Amen
When you are down to nothing,
God is up to something.
"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage you in every good dead and word."
2 Thessalonians 2: 15-17
We have not stopped praying or believing for Connor's recovery. We are holding you all up in prayer.
~SRB, Hollister
Kathy S - Great song selection of "Carry You To Jesus". Those lyrics hit the nail on the head, don't they? Ditto to all that was said by SCC. Thanks!
Renée
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