Day 33 - July 18 - He has a sister?
On June 16, 2008, I stopped breathing.
This is my attempt to start again.
My Brother is in the hospital, paralyzed. If that wasn’t bad enough, his heart rate dropped to 20 bpm last night…again. The doctors say we either take him home, or put him in a long term care center. The latter means he would lay in a bed in a room by himself…for the rest of his life. The former means that he would probably die much quicker. How could we keep him healthy if the trauma center can’t?
So, naturally, I’m pushing for much, much, more. I want a word that the doctors don’t say. I don’t just want recovery -- I want rehabilitation.
Yes, yes I know that the majority of rehab centers won’t take him on a ventilator.
Yes, yes I know that the doctors and caseworkers believe there is no hope for him.
Yes, yes I know that putting him in a rehabilitation center would mean picking up our entire lives and praying that we can survive.
And yes, yes I know that my God is bigger than this.
I was never content being a toddler, I always wanted to be “a big girl.” I was one of those little girls with a bow glued with honey to her head that would do it myself [so I was a bald child…no biggy]. However, the fact that I was still a little girl always caught up with me. After I would insist on walking by myself, I would get tired and raise my hands up ready for my dad to pick me up again. “Upie, upie dadda,” I would say. When I would insist on carrying some of the groceries to the car, they would always get too heavy and I would again, pass them over to my ever-obliging father. “Hegie!” I cried.
Its funny how when I was two, I longed to be an adult.
Now that I’m an “adult,” I long to be two.
I see little brothers and sisters running around all over the place. I just point and say, “I have a Brother like that.”
It seems as though this doesn’t get easier. Maybe it never will.
But I’m lucky.
I’m nineteen and my Daddy can still carry me.
I’m nineteen and my Daddy will still carry things that are too heavy for me.
I’m nineteen and waiting, cuz my Daddy is asking me too.
Upie, Daddy, its too hegie.
posted by Joelle Williamson @ 11:24 AM
18 Comments
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18 Comments:
Joélle,
Praying so hard for your family. The faith in God that is required for this walk you are on is something many of us will never know. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't. But God does...may His peace and guidance surround you. Praying, praying, praying...even begging God to intervene.
You are precious and you are loved.
The Duarte Family
I weep for you. One short verse in the bible:
Jesus wept. He weeps also but then again He knows what He is doing and He never makes mistakes nor does He ever break His promises. Life just stinks sometimes and right now for you all it really stinks. How in the midst of this do you go on with hope? I don't know. I wish I did. But alas we turn to God whom we have hope in. Who loves you much more than any of us can comprehend. Who allows trials in our life to mold us and to bring us to our knees, all so that we may glorify Him. That is our sole purpose on earth, to glorify Him. Eternity is our goal. Keep strong, look upward and never ever forget that He is carrying you in His arms. We will continue to pray and pray and pray and Lord, I know your there, please let the Williamson's know your there, let them feel you, let them fall in your arms that are open and waiting. Give them strengh to carry on each day and fill their aching hearts with a peace that is beyond understanding. Give them wisdom to make the right decisions for Connor and Lord, we all ask in your Son's name, Jesus to touch Connor's body, restore him Lord, and tell him to take up his mat and walk! Amen.
Loving you all from a distance and praying hard.
Joelle,
How is it possible to put one foot in front of the other when the walk forward just seems too steep? Others will tell you, "I don't know how you are dealing with this, I could never be that strong." And you think, "What choice do I have?"....so you deal with it...one step at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, always crying out to God. There are so many of us here, crying and lifting you all up in prayer. It's beyond too heavy... it's such a crushing weight. But we are here, praying and crying out to our Lord for direction and that will not cease.
I think of you often as I have two children close in age to you both. Thank you for sharing your heart today. Our family will keep on praying.
Sandi
Gilroy
Dear Heavenly Father, as I sit here reading this, my heart is aching so badly. My tears are flooding my office and I yearn for your precious healing over this trauma. God I know you are faithful and I pray your will, I even pray your timing Lord...but please Dear God relieve the pressure and weight from this family.
Joelle, we love you...as hard as it is to believe...God won't put on you more than He knows you can handle...even though it feels so hegie! Baby, hang in there. God is working miracles...miracles that even we cannot see at the moment, some we can.
Love you,
Evalena...your second cousin!
Joelle. God has bless you with so much, your heart, and beauty what a girl. I feel so bless to know you, I thank God for you. God is in control,and your walking with HIM. He loves you so much. And so do I. IN GODS LOVE, NANA
God's Precious Family, The Williamsons, you don't know me, but I have been following your journey since day 13. I have been moved to tears most every time and been humbled and blessed by your willingness to share your innermost thoughts and feelings with the worldwide Family of God. I just wanted you to know that this situation, with all its for real heartache and confusion and WHYS?????, is really touching people in a multitude of ways every day. Praying contsantly for you all,
In our Father's love, Deanna
Psalm 34
Joelle,
Thank you. Your posting and viewpoint is very touching coming from a sister who loves her brother so very much. I remember reading one day in Barnes and Noble (of course I don't remember the book, age I think has set in) anyway, I remember standing there reading and we as a family were in the midst of some small but weary trials and I read that we do not need to worry about the outcome of our trials. That God already has a way out or a plan. He is way ahead of us. We just need to walk in these trials with faith and come out of them in the Holy Spirit. Wow, did that make me stop and think. Has God really already taken care of everything? Yes, He has. That took some of the load I was carrying on my shoulders and in my heart off. To think that God allows trials in our life but being the merciful and gracious Father He is, He has also taken care of it to the end. We can't see the end but He does and has already provided. I hope that you all find comfort in that. We will continue to pray for all of you and ask our Father in Heaven to release the "hegie" load your carrying.
God bless you,
Ginny
Joelle,
As you know there are so many of us praying for you and your family. There are many that have not been through such pain as you are feeling. God has given us these emotions and never feel like you need to apologize for them.
We have heard that you have been an amazing "Tigger" for your family. Even Tigger has his shoulders droopy at times. If you know the movies there is a time when Tigger is told he may not bounce anymore by Rabbit. I can only imagine that even now your shoulders are droopy. Know that yes, your (baby) brother and you have gotten shoulder sagging news, but he is still the same little brother on the inside. His body may not be able to bounce with you, but his mind and love for you are still bouncing right along with you. It has been "baby steps" for all of you. Rememebr how you rejoiced when he took his first "baby steps"? You are starting over and will be having all kinds of new advenutes and create all kinds of funny memories together.
Take time to grieve your loss of the big stapping brother you knew.
Remember you are the BIG sister who still needs to boss him around and make him laugh at even the less then perfect moments. Nothing and no one can take away the bond you have with your brother or the inside jokes and closeness you all share.
You do have an amazing family full of strength and love for each other. You all have encouraged other families to reach out to brothers, sisters, and parents that they have not spoken to in years. We have been honored to be part of this process and know it has been difficult. I think we all are longing for the day we get to Heaven and get our new and improved bodies....perhaps some more then others!
We look forward to welcoming you all home...where ever that maybe.
You are loved and admired by many and we understand those moments of sadness and frustration you feel.
Myers Family
Just keep believing....
GOD is who He says He is.
GOD can do what He says He can do.
GOD'S Word is Alive and Active.
We know that none of us have the "right words", and there aren't any.
But you have our prayers, and love,
and you have the very Presence of Jesus.
May He encourage you and strengthen you today.
Our Hearts are with you all.
Bonnie
Our hearts are with you all and aching for God's wisdom to see this through. We love you all
Uncle Eric, Aunt Cherie, Cousin Joe'lle and Cousin Connor,
I know I have not commented up to this point, but I wanted to remind you all of how much I love you and that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I often feel like I don't have the right words to give people in times like this, so I am going to borrow from some other people. I just wanted to send you the lyrics to a song. I don't know if it will help you .. but it often helps me.
The One I've Trusted-Glenn Kaiser and Seeds
I know the one I've trusted
is faithful to the end
His mighty hand upholds me
and by His grace I'll stand
Let the fire come to consume me
Let the wind blow through
I am built upon a foundation
that is tried and true
that is tried and true
I know the one I've trusted
is faithful to the end
His mighty hand upholds me
and by His grace I'll stand
let a thousand camp about me
let them do what they will
let them speak all manner of evil
I will not fear
I know the one I've trusted
is faithful to the end
His mighty hand upholds me
and by His grace I'll stand
(I wish that you could hear this song, because I feel that you would connect with the music as well, but the cd is done by a small independent band, so I will have to figure out a way to get it to you.)
Also, a verse.
But as for me, I will hope continually, and will praise Thee yet more and more. - Psalms 71:14
In the middle of this Psalm (titled in my Bible "Prayer of an Old Man for deliverance"), in the middle of crying out for God to help him, to save him, to never leave him.. the writer slips in these two things that I almost missed when I read this Psalm for the first time. I will hope continually. In Hebrew the word for "to hope" also can mean "to wait", "to be patient", "to wait on the Lord." Interesting. I will praise. In the hardest times of his life, in the worst of circumstances. Praise the Lord, for He is worthy of praise.
I love you all so much, please make sure to tell Connor that as well.
Cousin Caitlin
Sawyer, Michigan
P.S. You guys and add Naperville and Woodstock, Illinois and Panama City, Panama to the list of places where people are praying for you. My two best friends from school are praying for you, as well as my small group and friends here in Sawyer.
Sweet Joelle,
I thought it would be fun to look up Disney's definition of Tigger's characteristics. They are as follows:
"Tigger is an exuberant, one-of-a-kind creature with the famously springy tail. He acts on every impulse, and his boisterous manner often leads him to leap before he looks. Tigger's bouncing is a pure expression of his utter zest for life -- a joy he's always eager to share with his friends, even when sometimes (especially with Rabbit), they don't want him to share it! His unique personality extends to his original use of language, which often results in his trademark twists of phrase and malapropisms."
Yes, yes, I do see the similarities. And you have your Dad pegged pretty well too. Eeyore is described:
"Eeyore is everyone's favorite delightfully dismal donkey. But Eeyore doesn't see himself as gloomy -- he just has low expectations. He expects nothing from anybody, so whenever his friends do come to his aid his expectations of the worst are overthrown, and he is sincerely grateful. Eeyore's tiny bright pink bow on his tail, the one hint of color against his gray, is a perfect symbol of the kernel of joy that occasionally surfaces in Eeyore. Though he may pretend he's helping because there's nothing better to do -- make no mistake, Eeyore is always there for his friends."
Yep, pretty close comparisons. You are wise in many ways! :-)
Praying for and loving on all ya'lls.
Renée
Tennessee
(We have really great sweet tea out here. You're welcome anytime!)
Connor is so blessed to have a sister like you. Jesus, uphold and strengthen Joelle and the whole family. I love that song that says, "Life is hard, but God is good." And I would add, even when we don't SEE His goodness very easily. My prayer is that you see it, feel it and lean into it. How we love you all and I'll see you this afternoon.
Kristie for the Robinsons
Connor has blessed so many and he is blessed to have such a wonderful sister. We've never met you, but hope to meet all of you. The road your traveling is rough and we sit back and listen to the stories wondering how you and your family get through each day. Continue to know that there are so many of us that care and want to do what we can to help. Your faith in Him will carry you through each day.
MH family
hello Joelle, my name is Cameron Littlecreek i have heard about Connor through some people who are concerned with him and want to see him get better. I was in an accident when i was 13 that paralized me from the chest down. i am now 20 and on e of the things i like to do is go and give people that have gone through these life changing accidents some advice and just support from someone who has been there. my mother and i would like to come and visit and see what we can do for you and your family and connor if that is possible. I know right now your probably hearing alot of negative from doctors, but the important thing is to not let that tear you down and know that God is in control and he is amazing and though him all things are possible. Connor and your family are in our prayers and if you need anything or want to talk to someone who has been through a similar situation we are here. my email is sound_on_wheels@comcast.net
Joelle you are trully an amazing young woman. I hope that I can help encourage you for just a moment.
Last night I read through your families blogs as I try to do a few times a week. I myself am a spinal cord patient though a C-6 now. When my accident happened my classification was a C-5. I too was a respitory concern. My doctors had left me on the vent (though not a trach)after my first surgery. I had bronchitis just before the accident. My team of nurses, doctors, and therapists pulled me through. Six days after the accident they took it out. In this time, my rehab doctor was telling my fam about a facility in San jose whic was an hour and a half drive from home called Santa Clara Valley Medical Center. They too, thought they would have to pack and wait on the Lord for every need. The only thing that hindered them was me. I was 29 and planned on living in Ohio the rest of my life. As time fast approached my hospital discharge, I had a choice stay in Ohio and go to a care facility or go back to California and finish rehab and learn to live.
Santa Clara Valley Medical Center will take any SCI no matter the circumstance. They will give Physical, Occupation, Recreation, and Water Therphy. They have a wonderful team that is knowledgable in all neurological issues. There is hope!!! Connor is alive and will be taught to live where he is at that moment. His life will change and he will get stronger. They also have apartments that a family can stay in to be even closer to their loved one. Fully furnished by the Ladies auxillary. When he is discharge, there is a hugh outpatient team waiting to help him then too. All in one facility!
I spoke with your Uncle Kent today and he said he sent info from me to your dad but also check these sites out for Santa Clara Valley Medical Center; www.tbi-sci.org or www.scvmc.org.
My family and I are praying for your family! Just know we love you all!!
Jessica Runnels
Joelle,
Met today with five other ladies and we prayed for Connor and your family beseiging God to heal and offer new hope. I will not believe that those are the only alternatives for your brother. You and Connor have always been so close, always reminded me of brother & sister bear of the Berestein Bears, my heart breaks for the kind of pain you and your parents and brother are going through.
Your right Our God is bigger than all of this and I have prayed specifically that he will send someone with new eyes to see Connor and offer a restoration plan.
Love Hope and Prayers,
Sally
Joelle sweetie I sit here after reading your blog as tears run down my face. I can only image how hard this is for you and your family. You are such a strong and intelligent young woman and this is only going to bring you to a new road in your life somewhere you never thought about being and somewhere you didn't think about going, somewhere you are meant to be. I pray for you all and wish for a miracle. I dreamt of Connor last night, He walked in the door with a big smile and said Hi and I introduced him to my Mom. I believe your Bro will pull thru this somehow, so keep your chin up and keep your positive thoughts flowing. Just want you to know I am thinking of you and I love you all and pray everyday for Connor...xxoo........Sara
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