Day 3 - June 18 - The Rollercoaster

First, I wanted to say an immense and heartfelt "thank you" for everyone's prayers, support, and concern.  In particular to Brad and Kent for putting up this blog so everyone can stay updated.  Our family covets your prayers, and we have a great sense of God's provision through your contributions in prayer.

Today is a day of ups and downs.  The doctors have removed all pain medicine from my son in order to more accurately assess his sensitivity, so Connor is now continuously wrestling with pain.  They are giving him a medication to relax him and reduce his level of anxiety, something I find interesting - considering that he is currently trapped and unable to move, you would think that anxiety would be pretty high on the "What's Connor going through-o-meter".  Helping him with that would be fairly high on my to-do list, if you asked me.  He is able to resist the pain to some degree by concentrating, but any distraction causes him to begin hyperventilating and getting agitated as he struggles to control it.  This includes praying with him, reading Scripture with him, even just talking to him.  It has gotten so bad in this regard that the nurses have asked us to limit our visits in an effort to let him rest.  Needless to say, this is extremely difficult - how can you ask a parent not to pray, or sing, or talk with their struggling child?

So I haven't been able to see my boy much today.  We are surrounded by our friends and family members, which helps us remember God's care of us through His children.  We are aching to comfort Connor in anyway we can, but are forced to ration his exposure to the very people who long to comfort him.  Please pray that God would comfort Connor and begin to take the pain from him.  Continue to pray that the clot would be dissolved quickly, that we would be able to get his neck stabilized safely, and that we would be able to figure out how to get Connor moved closer to home soon.  Plead with God that when his spine is finally stabilized, his spinal cord will be able to still function and provide the sensation Connor has been missing since Monday.

So those are the downs.  A few of the "ups" - the doctors have cleared Connor to take liquids orally, which is a huge positive.  We've also gotten our laptop to the hospital and gotten connected to the rest of the world again.  Also, we found that the camp carries an insurance rider that will take over for us in the event my health insurance hits its lifetime limit, up to an additional $500,000.  Wow, what a blessing, and what a relief from a niggling financial worry that I know I'm not supposed to worry about but can't seem to get out of my mind.  Another up - one of the camp personnel, a fantastic and supportive man named Gary (who also turned out to be the father of Joy Hauge - a church sister of ours) has graciously offered us the use of his second home here in Fresno until we can get the boy moved.  What an amazingly supportive way for him to demonstrate Christ's love to us.  He has already taken over all the logistical thought processes for us while we're here, and now he does this.  I am overwhelmed with the compassion and generosity being shown to us by Gary and the other folks who have flocked to us in our need.

Finally, the one "up" that I don't know how to categorize.  Cherie was sitting with Connor this morning when he began crying "Somebody fix my legs, somebody move my legs".  Cherie adjusted and pulled on his feet, asking "like this?  Like this?", and Connor would respond "No, no, it hurts - OK, like that".  To both legs.  

It would be easy to say "wow, this means God is going to give him his legs back!!!!", but I can't think that.  I really don't know what to think about it - is he just hallucinating?  Is he actually feeling something?  I don't know.  The medicos say it's just his imagination, but I have to ask if that were true, and he couldn't actually feel anything, how he knew that Cherie was moving his legs?

I don't know.  I'm in anguish for my son.  If I could take his place on the bed, and trade the rest of my life to give him the rest of his, I'd do it right now.  I'm torn between an assurance that my God is sovereign and  is using this for His glory, and anger at how unfair this seems to be for Connor.  So I close this with the song I've been singing over and over, every day -

"I am not skilled to understand

what God has willed, what God has planned;

I only know at His right hand

is One who is my Savior.

I take Him at His word indeed;

'Christ died for sinners' - this I read;

for in my heart I find a need

of Him to be my Savior.

That He should leave His place on high

and come for sinful man to die,

You count it strange? So once did I

before I knew my Savior!

And, oh, that He fulfilled may see

the travail of His soul in me,

and with His work contented be,

as I with my dear Savior.

Yes, living, dying, let me bring

my strength, my solace from this spring -

that He who lives to be my King

once died to be my Savior!"