Day 13 - June 28 - Wavering

OK, I don't know where to start.

Maybe at the beginning. Connor has been wrestling with despair today - like father, like son, I guess. I spoke at length with him about hope and faith - I told him of the words of hope we've received this past couple of weeks; I told him the things that many of you have said. I encouraged him with words of scripture, and with song, and we prayed together for strength in the face of this trial. I promised him that he and I would walk through this together, and you could see him set his face to the challenge again. It was both heartening and heart-rending at the same time.

I came out to the waiting room while some of Connor's friends visited with him (I think they were watching "Men in Black"). I fought against the welling loss of hope as the lie spread in my mind - "The website is over. All these people will have lost interest and left by this time next week. You'll be all alone before too long". Yes, I know it's a lie from the pit. Yes, I have to struggle to defeat it.

I go back in to see the boy. I tell him how much he encourages me and helps me in this time, too. His eyebrows raise - this is something he hasn't thought about, even though I'm telling him how much his story is moving people.

He hams for the camera a bit, spirits lifted again.

I come back to the waiting room to give Cherié some time with the boy. I doze off for a bit, and awake in a black and foul mood. I decide I'd better post this post, and as I type the word "Wavering" in the title, a pastor walks up and begins to talk to me. He's going on about how he's helped lots of people through the years in these kinds of situations, and I'm thinking "Yeah, right - ever have one of your own children paralyzed from the neck down?" I wring my hands together, wishing he'd go away and let me type. He keeps talking. I'm on the verge of asking him to leave me alone when I hear what he's saying - talking about how God tells us to cling to His promises; to believe that what we ask of Him is going to happen; how faith is an act of perceiving as reality that which hasn't been revealed to the senses. I got to thinking about how close to the edge I was - how close to giving up I was - how much I wanted to just let go. And I got to thinking (again) about a daily ration of manna, even from an unexpected source.

To paraphrase the Apostle Paul, O wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this perpetual torment?

Psalm 121 - A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you - the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.